Gas station destroyed after rioting

Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob swarmed into gas stations not only with their cars, but on foot carrying gas cans, empty two litter bottles and hollowed out gourds. Within 10 minutes, most of the patrons stripped down to underwear, put on war-paint, and displayed a pig’s head on a stake to claim their pump of choice.

Numerous panicked calls from across the city urged that proper authorities be called in. After the Springfield police attempted to quell the violence officials resorted to the Natural Guard, the United States Army, and finally a UN peacekeeping force.

“I have never seen anything like it,” said Private Carl Cage. “Some were just using their own mouths to store gas, like some demented hamsters. Others were just cupping their hands and running really fast.”

Several patrons formed tribes to better control gas pumps. Although many tribes were created, only 3 became the most powerful: the Jet Fuels, the Blood for Oils, and the Carriors.

“Carriors. Come out and play,” said a Jet Fuel member in a high pierce voice as he menacingly twirled a chain.

“Whoever controls the pumps, controls the gas. Whoever controls the gas, controls the world,” claimed Oliver Carter, chief of the Blood For Oils. “An hour ago I was just a regular accountant. Now I am a god.” He then sprinkled gas on his adorning followers.

After 4 hours of tribal rule, the military finally stepped in with rubber bullets, gas pellets, and changing  gas prices to three dollars and five cents.

No whammies, no whammies, gas!

Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how lucky they are. The luckiest players could win other prizes such as free beef jerky, a free coffee, or a t-shirt that proclaims “Kum In Our Slots”, or the grand prize of an electric car.

“We just want to have the glamour and excitement of the Vegas Strip to our gas stations,” states a Kum N Go representative. “Sure, instead of show girls we have creepy pan handlers and instead black jack we have scratchers tickets…and more creepy panhandlers, but we are getting there. We are trying to have dancing fountains like in the front of the Bellagio, only with gasoline. If the uptight government will get off our back.”

Many customers are loving the new change.

“I hate being screwed by those fat cat oil companies, but I don’t mind getting screwed by lady luck. And who knows? I may not get screwed at the pump at all. Last time I could have said that was…1998,” states a local customer.

The machines are just the first changes that Kum & Go is making to make themselves for marketable. They recently purchased the web domain “Kumazon” where people can purchase gas online and have it delivered to their homes.

Terracotta ATMs appear across the Ozarks as BoC takes hold

Springfield, MO- Due to multiple factors; the five-dollar debit card charge, a distrust of “bailed out” banks, and “Occupy Wall Street mania” many Ozarkians are switching from Bank of America to the newly created Bank of China.

The new bank will offer free little red check books, a Great Wall mounted clock, and a poster of Chairman Mao for those who open new accounts now through the Chinese New Year.

“Let’s get something straight,” says Teddy McGraw. “I am all-American. But, if I can go to a bank that is backed by the iron-fisted Chinese government and guarded by hundreds of Terracotta soldiers, I am in. Also, I get 77 Yuan for 1 US Dollar.”

Other advantages bank members will enjoy include: one free baby panda with deposit of $2,000 or more, one free Chinese baby girl when applying for a home loan, and a bowl of rice at the drive through (instead of lollipops).

“Hey, we are not worried. Our customers are loyal no matter what. They will gladly pay our five-dollar debit card fee, our hefty overdraft fees, and they will give the mandatory 8 pints of blood “donation” policy. And if they cross us, we will bury their children,” screamed a BOA representative as he pounded his shoe on his desk.

Although Bank of America is confident in its customer, momentum seems to be shifting toward Bank of China who is fiercely competing with numerous banks in the area.

“The samurai attacks on Empire Bank ATMs could have been anyone,” said a firm-voiced spokesman from Bank of China, “And we had nothing to do with gun-powder-filled boxes delivered to Commerce Bank.”

Bank of China also plans to build a great wall separating all other banks from their customers.

99.9 percent germ free, just shy of the goal

Springfield, MO – On the heels of the Occupy Wall Street movement that refer to themselves as 99 percenters (those Americans who are less powerful than the top earning 1 percent) a new local movement has begun calling themselves the 99.9 percenters.  They aim to raise awareness of the remaining 0.1 percent of bacteria and germs that still evade anti-bacterial cleansing products. The group consists of a great diversity of people from health-care and sanitation workers, to moms and germophobes.  All of whom are angered by what they see as a microbial injustice.

“It’s 2011 and we’re still vulnerable to this 0.1 percent no matter what precautions we take. Better living through chemistry? What a joke! We won’t be satisfied until we break the 0.1 percent barrier,” said one anonymous protester.

Cleansing industry officials have derided the demonstrators as idealists, sighting that the targeted 0.1 percent are the job creating class of bacteria.  They argue that by destroying them, there wouldn’t be any germs left to clean which would devastate the whole range of anti-bacterial industries and put people out of work.

“The 0.1 percenters are holding the rest of us hostage! This is all a conspiracy operated by Big-Cleansing.  They use scare tactics because the greedy, fascist, corporate CEOs know that it is in their best interest to leave a small percentage of bacteria alive forcing us to keep pumping money into their pockets.  If their sprays, wipes, and hand gels were 100 percent effective we’d have more money to spend on other things, thus creating other jobs,” said the protester. “Also, did I mention that they’re racist?”

The local 99.9 percent movement hopes to spread across the country, hand in hand, with their 99 percent brothers.  Although, they admit, those hands will need extra hand gel after touching their non-showered counterparts.

Target hopes new MILF campaign brings in secondary customers

Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area.  Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers.  They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the most.  The four categories that stuck out to officials were music, in-store sales, lifestyle merchandise, and family.

Due to these findings, Target – Springfield, MO has introduced a new marketing campaign called “MILF”, in an attempt to attract a larger demographic to their store. They say that M.I.L.F.s (Music, In-store sales, Lifestyle, and Family) are going to be the key to keeping the general public interested and enthused to visit their location and the foundation to a prosperous future.

“We here at Target of Springfield, MO are proud to announce that we will be featuring MILFs all day everyday! By emphasizing the power of MILFs through an advertising campaign, we believe we can reach two other key segments of the population, namely, young and old men,” said a Target spokesperson.  “Anyone who currently frequents our Target location will attest that we’ve always had an abundance of MILFs here. We now feel that it is our duty to let the whole community know.”

It remains to be seen whether or not this strategy will work.  However, some men have shown a positive response.

“We’re already beginning to see an increase in the enthusiasm levels of husbands,” said the spokesperson.  “Some of them have even begun an on-line fan site where they rate the best MILFs each week.”

People of Walmart to invade Springfield

Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The total number of Neighborhood Markets, Walmarts and Sam’s Clubs will be 148 by 2012.

As of April 2011, there are 184 Walmart Markets in the United States. Said a spokesperson, “We filed plans for multiple locations around the Springfield area, but felt that we could use more Neighborhood Markets if only there were more neighborhoods around. Then we realized, if we build people homes, they would save money and live better, right in our Wal-borhoods!”

The Wal-borhoods will be equipped with more than 56 single-family ranch style homes equipped with easy access to the Neighborhood Markets. The communities will sport such names as Sam’s Town, Walton’s Place, and Mart de Wal (which will include access to a Supermercado de Walmart).

Once the homes are constructed Walmart will begin the process of importing residents to live in the area. “Without people we really have no customers,” said one source.  Our process will be an online sign up, those interested can have free housing as long as they shop with us. We’ve had quite the response from PeopleofWalmart.com!”  Local residents have mixed feelings about the new homes and markets.

”I don’t think it is right that they are putting up their markets right next to existing stores native to our area. They’ve already run out all the mom and pops, now they are bringing in weirdo out-of-towners and going after mid-tier retailers. God bless Wal-merica,” pined John Mullins of Springfield.

Mailbot may deliver all mail soon

Springfield, MO – Frustrated by an antiquated business model and angered at the thought of financial collapse local mail carriers are simply mailing in their efforts until Congress fixes their centuries-old institution.

Mailman Jonsey Harth said, “it’s about time we did something about all of this electronic mail, electronic bill payment and some hog wash about a ‘Federal’ express delivery that isn’t even tied to the government.” According to sources, the local mail routes will be diminished and service will be reduced in order to meet budget concerns in 2012.

“Currently, we are planning on accepting mail on Monday, then we’ll use a small force of men and women to pile the mail into a large ditch on Tuesday. So when Wednesday comes, customers can go to the Mail Pile and dig out their personal communiqué,” said a Postal employee.

Local mail recipient, Julie Swatherton said, “Why don’t they just put the mail into a big airplane, fly it over the city then drop the envelopes out of the sky to land in specified neighborhoods? I’d think that would save a lot of drive time for mail peeps.”

If all other measures fail, the Post Office plans to spend all available operating cash developing a Mailbot, or robot, to deliver catalogs, bills and personal messages door-to-door. Mailbot has been in limited test across Southwest Missouri and most folks find it useful.

“I’ve had Mailbot since April, I don’t have to worry about it sleeping with my wife, don’t have to get it a Christmas present and most convenient my dog, Bowser,  can chew the Mailbot’s leg, well until a low-energy laser knocks him silly. I just wish Mailbot would stop opening my Playboys,” said Glen Fisherman.

All Jose ever did was back-breaking work for less than minimum wage

Springfield, Mo. -  City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall.  In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’.  Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes each to display talents and generally convince the studio and viewing audience they should be allowed to stay in the U.S. legally, one NBC executive described the show as an exciting mix of American Idol and Jerry Springer with a little bit of Oprah.

The audience is given three options for voting on each contestant; give them a green card; hold over for further administrative review; deport them on the spot.  Compellation of the votes and all final decisions will be based on a complicated and confusing set of criteria.  ICE agents will be on hand to execute all decisions.  Agents explained the show will be a great help to ease a backlog of cases.  “We think the American people will be a better judge of who should stay and who should go than any government bureaucrat would be” commented one ICE official.

A spokesman for NBC added that Green Card winners would be given an e-verify waiver certificate, an English-Spanish dictionary and a ticket to the Tony Orlando Theater in Branson.  Contestants held over for further administrative review would receive a free Taco Bell ‘five dollar deal box’ and two nights free at the No Tell Motel in Nixa.  Deportees would receive a clean long sleeve shirt, a shovel from the Old Cabin Depot and a courtesy ride to the border.

Officials for the city of Springfield said they could hardly turn down any chance to make some money and emphasized that everything would be absolutely legal.  A spokesman for MSU mentioned it would bring in some much needed revenue for the ‘Q’ where the premiere show would be taped amid extra security.  One of the fifteen members of the local vigilante group, Speedy Guys, indicated they would try to get a petition to stop the whole thing.  “It sounds like some kind of amnesty.  We may be old and cranky, but this is something we’ll get up for, for sure.  We have plenty of native born criminals we could pardon and many of them of them already speak a local dialect of English.  In our opinion foreigners need to remain illegal because they have no business being here in the first place.”  Unauthorized aliens who would like to be a contestant on the show are urged to contact the nearest ICE office.

YouTube addicts hooked watching self-made videos

Springfield, MO – Much like the 1930′s, when thousands of unemployed workers took to
movie theaters to escape their grim reality of joblessness, thousands of laid off
workers use YouTube as a means for modern escapism. Also, the gainfully employed use
YouTube just as much to escape their own reality. In fact, according to a recent study, the numbers are exactly the same.

“I just can’t take it anymore. Every day is complete hopelessness. I wake up, and think ‘why did this happen to me,’” says Greg Marksfield, an employee of a prestigious accounting firm. “I start my day with an hour of funny cat videos, have a 3-hour lunch break entertained by funny dog videos, and end my day with 45-minutes of awesome sports injuries. I know it seems like a waste of time, but I need to be transported into another world, a world where cats freak out, like all the time.”

Ironically, that is almost the exact same schedule of Mark Lucas, who has been out of work for 18 months. “After rising and before I hit any of the job boards, I need to pump myself up with 2 hours of funny monkey videos, then I have lunch alone being entertained by some funny videos of kids falling down, then I end my day with 45-minutes of awesome car wrecks. I just have to keep my mind off my bleak present and future. The videos really help me out. For 2 minutes I am the funny monkeys, not some jobless loser,” said Lucas.

The recent report shows that typical workers waste about 5 hours a day on Pandora, YouTube, Facebook, and (at .0000000000001%) MySpace. It also shows that the jobless use the same internet sites as distractions from their unemployment for 5 and half hours a day.  Even in the most desperate of situations, where people have to live in tent villages (or Hoovervilles), they use smart phones and tablets to surf the net.

“This is a great time for us,” states Mike (from Mike N Gary, a YouTube based sketch group that recently gained a YouTube partnership and has thousands of hits a day). “People hate their jobs, people hate not having jobs. People need to laugh and have an attention span of 2 minutes. This is a golden age of YouTube.”

Bosses are thinking of ways to curtail YouTube use at the office, but all the previous tactics are falling short. Some ideas on the drawing board are:  shock collars, YouTube smelling dogs, and becoming Amish.

Stupid Mayan Calendar screws us again

Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday.

According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just well forgot to tell anybody.” Springfield based money manager Louis Lotsacache said, “Yeah, the Mayan calendar predicted the failure of US financial markets in order to raise the value of gold. Large quantities of gold was used by the Mayans to create and decorate their alters, temples and worship centers to ancient aliens who visited Earth thousands of years ago and enslaved humankind to mine precious metals from the ground.”

The rise in gold will surely please Texas Congressman Ron Paul who is expected to strip off his fake rubber mask and reveal himself to the American people as an Alien sent to this planet to monitor our behaviors.

Americans who had recently recovered from the worst stock plunge since December 2008 could not believe their tremendous luck at having another prime opportunity to invest in the market once again. Norman Fuqt, of Nixa, said, “What the hell!? I was just about to retire three years ago, was hosed, then made up my gains and now I’m hosed again…” after taking a deep breath and chanting several phrases of restraint Fuqt continued, “I mean another opportunity to get in on the ground floor is great.”