Gas station destroyed after rioting

Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob swarmed into gas stations not only with their cars, but on foot carrying gas cans, empty two litter bottles and hollowed out gourds. Within 10 minutes, most of the patrons stripped down to underwear, put on war-paint, and displayed a pig’s head on a stake to claim their pump of choice.

Numerous panicked calls from across the city urged that proper authorities be called in. After the Springfield police attempted to quell the violence officials resorted to the Natural Guard, the United States Army, and finally a UN peacekeeping force.

“I have never seen anything like it,” said Private Carl Cage. “Some were just using their own mouths to store gas, like some demented hamsters. Others were just cupping their hands and running really fast.”

Several patrons formed tribes to better control gas pumps. Although many tribes were created, only 3 became the most powerful: the Jet Fuels, the Blood for Oils, and the Carriors.

“Carriors. Come out and play,” said a Jet Fuel member in a high pierce voice as he menacingly twirled a chain.

“Whoever controls the pumps, controls the gas. Whoever controls the gas, controls the world,” claimed Oliver Carter, chief of the Blood For Oils. “An hour ago I was just a regular accountant. Now I am a god.” He then sprinkled gas on his adorning followers.

After 4 hours of tribal rule, the military finally stepped in with rubber bullets, gas pellets, and changing  gas prices to three dollars and five cents.

No whammies, no whammies, gas!

Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how lucky they are. The luckiest players could win other prizes such as free beef jerky, a free coffee, or a t-shirt that proclaims “Kum In Our Slots”, or the grand prize of an electric car.

“We just want to have the glamour and excitement of the Vegas Strip to our gas stations,” states a Kum N Go representative. “Sure, instead of show girls we have creepy pan handlers and instead black jack we have scratchers tickets…and more creepy panhandlers, but we are getting there. We are trying to have dancing fountains like in the front of the Bellagio, only with gasoline. If the uptight government will get off our back.”

Many customers are loving the new change.

“I hate being screwed by those fat cat oil companies, but I don’t mind getting screwed by lady luck. And who knows? I may not get screwed at the pump at all. Last time I could have said that was…1998,” states a local customer.

The machines are just the first changes that Kum & Go is making to make themselves for marketable. They recently purchased the web domain “Kumazon” where people can purchase gas online and have it delivered to their homes.

Terracotta ATMs appear across the Ozarks as BoC takes hold

Springfield, MO- Due to multiple factors; the five-dollar debit card charge, a distrust of “bailed out” banks, and “Occupy Wall Street mania” many Ozarkians are switching from Bank of America to the newly created Bank of China.

The new bank will offer free little red check books, a Great Wall mounted clock, and a poster of Chairman Mao for those who open new accounts now through the Chinese New Year.

“Let’s get something straight,” says Teddy McGraw. “I am all-American. But, if I can go to a bank that is backed by the iron-fisted Chinese government and guarded by hundreds of Terracotta soldiers, I am in. Also, I get 77 Yuan for 1 US Dollar.”

Other advantages bank members will enjoy include: one free baby panda with deposit of $2,000 or more, one free Chinese baby girl when applying for a home loan, and a bowl of rice at the drive through (instead of lollipops).

“Hey, we are not worried. Our customers are loyal no matter what. They will gladly pay our five-dollar debit card fee, our hefty overdraft fees, and they will give the mandatory 8 pints of blood “donation” policy. And if they cross us, we will bury their children,” screamed a BOA representative as he pounded his shoe on his desk.

Although Bank of America is confident in its customer, momentum seems to be shifting toward Bank of China who is fiercely competing with numerous banks in the area.

“The samurai attacks on Empire Bank ATMs could have been anyone,” said a firm-voiced spokesman from Bank of China, “And we had nothing to do with gun-powder-filled boxes delivered to Commerce Bank.”

Bank of China also plans to build a great wall separating all other banks from their customers.

99.9 percent germ free, just shy of the goal

Springfield, MO – On the heels of the Occupy Wall Street movement that refer to themselves as 99 percenters (those Americans who are less powerful than the top earning 1 percent) a new local movement has begun calling themselves the 99.9 percenters.  They aim to raise awareness of the remaining 0.1 percent of bacteria and germs that still evade anti-bacterial cleansing products. The group consists of a great diversity of people from health-care and sanitation workers, to moms and germophobes.  All of whom are angered by what they see as a microbial injustice.

“It’s 2011 and we’re still vulnerable to this 0.1 percent no matter what precautions we take. Better living through chemistry? What a joke! We won’t be satisfied until we break the 0.1 percent barrier,” said one anonymous protester.

Cleansing industry officials have derided the demonstrators as idealists, sighting that the targeted 0.1 percent are the job creating class of bacteria.  They argue that by destroying them, there wouldn’t be any germs left to clean which would devastate the whole range of anti-bacterial industries and put people out of work.

“The 0.1 percenters are holding the rest of us hostage! This is all a conspiracy operated by Big-Cleansing.  They use scare tactics because the greedy, fascist, corporate CEOs know that it is in their best interest to leave a small percentage of bacteria alive forcing us to keep pumping money into their pockets.  If their sprays, wipes, and hand gels were 100 percent effective we’d have more money to spend on other things, thus creating other jobs,” said the protester. “Also, did I mention that they’re racist?”

The local 99.9 percent movement hopes to spread across the country, hand in hand, with their 99 percent brothers.  Although, they admit, those hands will need extra hand gel after touching their non-showered counterparts.

Netflix storefront to sell VHS experience

Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of Satan.

“Okay, okay Qwikster wasn’t such a good thing, right? Well now we’re going to offer a shop that you can conveniently drive to and rent VHS tapes to take home and watch in the comfort of your home,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix.

Major Videoster, as the new store will be known, is celebrate with a grand opening this weekend where customers can purchase month long memberships at $35 per person. A membership allows customers to enter the building where they can then select VHS tapes to rent at $5 per night. Funds generated are projected to cover loss of over 1 million Netflix customers and restore plunging stock price.

According to Netflix website, “customers deserve a special and unique entertainment experience. There are several options for streaming video, but not too many places where you can rent vintage VHS titles. We want to fill that entertainment void.”

Major Videoster will provide blockbuster titles such as Romancing the Stone, Ernest goes to Camp, Cannonball Run 2 and seasons 1-4 of the television series Dallas. Auggie Manchester, a college freshman at Missouri State University said, “I’ve never heard of any of those movies…what the hell is VHS?”

Jobs invented this awesome iPhone case

Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives.

“He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, too bad about that his passing, he would have made a good business man.” Others shared similar sentiments. “Steve Jobs changed my life by inventing the internet and Facebook. Oh wait and YouTube. He did that too,” said Neil Younger, a freshman at Hillcrest High School.

Several Ozarks residents were stunned with disbelief upon hearing the news. “Steve Jobs created one of my fondest memories…my neck tattoo of a naked lady with the head of a bison,” sobbed Mule Henderson of Sparta, MO, “that is the same Steve we’re talking about right? The tattoo artist down on the square that works in the alley?”

Jobs’ impact was felt across all economic landscapes. “Used to be, I could steal a radio and get 10 maybe 15 dollars for it. After Apple started making pocket computers, I could swipe an iPhone, iPad, iWhatever and haul in a nice payday on the black market. Thank you Mr. Jobs,” said meth addict and convicted thief Jonas DerFukensteinhandle of Boliver, MO.

Steve Jobs impacted the lives of Ozarkers by offering them access to revolutionary devices that were often used for unconventional purposes. “Like the twisty face thing in Photo Booth, man that thing is hilarious! Lemme show you this picture of me and my bird Scuttles that I sent to my friends around the world in a matter of seconds,” said Andrew Biwell as he reached into his pocket, fumbled his iPhone and dropped it to the ground shattering into a thousand pieces then spouted, “Aw piece of crap Apple!”

Target hopes new MILF campaign brings in secondary customers

Springfield, MO – After analyzing a recent survey of their customer demographics, Target discovered what sets them apart from most other retail stores in the area.  Their key shoppers are young attractive females, mostly young mothers.  They then commissioned a follow-up study to determine what it is about Target that this group likes the most.  The four categories that stuck out to officials were music, in-store sales, lifestyle merchandise, and family.

Due to these findings, Target – Springfield, MO has introduced a new marketing campaign called “MILF”, in an attempt to attract a larger demographic to their store. They say that M.I.L.F.s (Music, In-store sales, Lifestyle, and Family) are going to be the key to keeping the general public interested and enthused to visit their location and the foundation to a prosperous future.

“We here at Target of Springfield, MO are proud to announce that we will be featuring MILFs all day everyday! By emphasizing the power of MILFs through an advertising campaign, we believe we can reach two other key segments of the population, namely, young and old men,” said a Target spokesperson.  “Anyone who currently frequents our Target location will attest that we’ve always had an abundance of MILFs here. We now feel that it is our duty to let the whole community know.”

It remains to be seen whether or not this strategy will work.  However, some men have shown a positive response.

“We’re already beginning to see an increase in the enthusiasm levels of husbands,” said the spokesperson.  “Some of them have even begun an on-line fan site where they rate the best MILFs each week.”

People of Walmart to invade Springfield

Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The total number of Neighborhood Markets, Walmarts and Sam’s Clubs will be 148 by 2012.

As of April 2011, there are 184 Walmart Markets in the United States. Said a spokesperson, “We filed plans for multiple locations around the Springfield area, but felt that we could use more Neighborhood Markets if only there were more neighborhoods around. Then we realized, if we build people homes, they would save money and live better, right in our Wal-borhoods!”

The Wal-borhoods will be equipped with more than 56 single-family ranch style homes equipped with easy access to the Neighborhood Markets. The communities will sport such names as Sam’s Town, Walton’s Place, and Mart de Wal (which will include access to a Supermercado de Walmart).

Once the homes are constructed Walmart will begin the process of importing residents to live in the area. “Without people we really have no customers,” said one source.  Our process will be an online sign up, those interested can have free housing as long as they shop with us. We’ve had quite the response from PeopleofWalmart.com!”  Local residents have mixed feelings about the new homes and markets.

”I don’t think it is right that they are putting up their markets right next to existing stores native to our area. They’ve already run out all the mom and pops, now they are bringing in weirdo out-of-towners and going after mid-tier retailers. God bless Wal-merica,” pined John Mullins of Springfield.

Mailbot may deliver all mail soon

Springfield, MO – Frustrated by an antiquated business model and angered at the thought of financial collapse local mail carriers are simply mailing in their efforts until Congress fixes their centuries-old institution.

Mailman Jonsey Harth said, “it’s about time we did something about all of this electronic mail, electronic bill payment and some hog wash about a ‘Federal’ express delivery that isn’t even tied to the government.” According to sources, the local mail routes will be diminished and service will be reduced in order to meet budget concerns in 2012.

“Currently, we are planning on accepting mail on Monday, then we’ll use a small force of men and women to pile the mail into a large ditch on Tuesday. So when Wednesday comes, customers can go to the Mail Pile and dig out their personal communiqué,” said a Postal employee.

Local mail recipient, Julie Swatherton said, “Why don’t they just put the mail into a big airplane, fly it over the city then drop the envelopes out of the sky to land in specified neighborhoods? I’d think that would save a lot of drive time for mail peeps.”

If all other measures fail, the Post Office plans to spend all available operating cash developing a Mailbot, or robot, to deliver catalogs, bills and personal messages door-to-door. Mailbot has been in limited test across Southwest Missouri and most folks find it useful.

“I’ve had Mailbot since April, I don’t have to worry about it sleeping with my wife, don’t have to get it a Christmas present and most convenient my dog, Bowser,  can chew the Mailbot’s leg, well until a low-energy laser knocks him silly. I just wish Mailbot would stop opening my Playboys,” said Glen Fisherman.

All Jose ever did was back-breaking work for less than minimum wage

Springfield, Mo. -  City leaders have announced the first episode of a new show from the National Broadcast Company (NBC) will be filmed in Springfield this fall.  In coordination with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the new show will be called ‘Let’s Get You ‘Legal’’.  Featuring undocumented aliens who will be given eight minutes each to display talents and generally convince the studio and viewing audience they should be allowed to stay in the U.S. legally, one NBC executive described the show as an exciting mix of American Idol and Jerry Springer with a little bit of Oprah.

The audience is given three options for voting on each contestant; give them a green card; hold over for further administrative review; deport them on the spot.  Compellation of the votes and all final decisions will be based on a complicated and confusing set of criteria.  ICE agents will be on hand to execute all decisions.  Agents explained the show will be a great help to ease a backlog of cases.  “We think the American people will be a better judge of who should stay and who should go than any government bureaucrat would be” commented one ICE official.

A spokesman for NBC added that Green Card winners would be given an e-verify waiver certificate, an English-Spanish dictionary and a ticket to the Tony Orlando Theater in Branson.  Contestants held over for further administrative review would receive a free Taco Bell ‘five dollar deal box’ and two nights free at the No Tell Motel in Nixa.  Deportees would receive a clean long sleeve shirt, a shovel from the Old Cabin Depot and a courtesy ride to the border.

Officials for the city of Springfield said they could hardly turn down any chance to make some money and emphasized that everything would be absolutely legal.  A spokesman for MSU mentioned it would bring in some much needed revenue for the ‘Q’ where the premiere show would be taped amid extra security.  One of the fifteen members of the local vigilante group, Speedy Guys, indicated they would try to get a petition to stop the whole thing.  “It sounds like some kind of amnesty.  We may be old and cranky, but this is something we’ll get up for, for sure.  We have plenty of native born criminals we could pardon and many of them of them already speak a local dialect of English.  In our opinion foreigners need to remain illegal because they have no business being here in the first place.”  Unauthorized aliens who would like to be a contestant on the show are urged to contact the nearest ICE office.