All Entries in the "Business" Category

Cauliflower Bank Opens

Springfield, MO—A new vault of sorts has opened on the south side of town, one that allows customers to stockpile vegetables of a certain variety, specifically cauliflower. The new cauliflower bank sprung up as a resource for food stockpiling and is sponsored by AGCU and features a huge stalk of cauliflower as the logo.
“The essential [...]

Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees

Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico.
Chimps will also save [...]

Local Video Store takes on Netflix, Redbox

Springfield, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Southwest Missouri market.
“People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with friends [...]

Google’s Fiber Could Make Springfield Go 100x Faster

Springfield, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.
“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at Missouri State University.
According to its [...]

Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space

Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.
“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness [...]

Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles

Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.
“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the [...]

Lamar Uses Magic Beans to Form Billboard Messages

Springfield, MO—A local outdoor advertising company has engineered a breakthrough technology in billboard advertising: magic beans. Lamar Advertising Company has acquired the rights and patented the process for planting the mysterious seeds under an existing structure, which then produce an advertising message.
“The outdoor advertising industry has been investigating new technologies for some time now. We’ve [...]

Local Tax Dollars Continue to Head Out-of-State

Springfield, MO—Fortunately, public service leaders, such as the Springfield School District, are making the tough call to outsource much needed local project work to non-Missourians.
“Ozarkers pay a lot of good money in taxes to pay for upgrades in public facilities and we’re here to protect our residents from the incapable architects in this community who [...]

Highland Springs Sponsors ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day’

Springfield, MO—In an effort to inspire and educate the next generation of Springfieldians, Highland Springs Country Club is sponsoring a community-wide ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day” on Thursday, February 25th.  “We couldn’t be more excited about this upcoming day,” explains Highland Springs President Roger “Red” Anderson. “This will be a real opportunity [...]

2012, Hobos Delay Heer’s Tower Development

Springfield, MO—The Heer’s Tower was dealt another setback this week as developer Kevin McGowan failed to meet a critical deadline risking the possibility that development of the historic building will not occur before the end of the world in 2012.
After several deadline extensions, McGowan’s company, Blue Urban, failed to meet another chance for an $11.8 [...]

Local Startup Draws Infinite Growth

Joplin, MO- Fresh off their first trade show in Dallas this past weekend, local start-up Wearable Art experienced record tying infinite growth over the previous month, most likely fueling the 115 point rally on Wall Street.
“The exciting dynamic with start-ups is the tremendous growth. GE or Wal-Mart can’t touch the infinite growth rate,” explains co-founder [...]

Recession Ends: Jobless To Quit Eating Stray Cats

Springfield, MO—The un- and underemployed rejoiced today as the St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank decided that the recession ended in mid-2009. Positive reactions were recorded all over the nation, especially those unemployed in the Missouri Ozarks.
“Whew, I’m glad that was over, I’m ready for my bailout money,” said Higgins “cat-eater” Roland, a local out-of-work marketer, [...]

Snowstorm Sponsored by Local Supermarkets

Springfield, MO—The coldest winter storm to hit the Ozarks in a decade will be brought to you by your local supermarkets this week. The local grocers network has pooled funds to sponsor the dangerous weather that will render this area helpless and immobile. Better stock up now before the paranoia promotion ends.
“We derive a significant [...]

Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested

Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside.
News of [...]

Man Claiming to Have “Moved On” Still Sends Drunk Texts to Ex

Springfield, MO – Kurt Finn, 29, of Nixa woke up on Saturday morning with a headache and these missed texts: WTF?, U left me!, and LOL! YOU ARE SUCH a F*@%!

The night started out like any other Friday evening for Finn, at Trolley’s Grill & Bar in Springfield. He was enjoying some half-price [...]