Netflix storefront to sell VHS experience

Springfield, MO – Attempting to please its Ozarks customer base, Netflix has announced the purchase of Major Video on Glenstone street to serve as a brick and mortar storefront allowing for casual VHS rentals. The news comes just days after Netflix identified sister company Qwikster as an awful idea spawned from the head of Satan.

“Okay, okay Qwikster wasn’t such a good thing, right? Well now we’re going to offer a shop that you can conveniently drive to and rent VHS tapes to take home and watch in the comfort of your home,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix.

Major Videoster, as the new store will be known, is celebrate with a grand opening this weekend where customers can purchase month long memberships at $35 per person. A membership allows customers to enter the building where they can then select VHS tapes to rent at $5 per night. Funds generated are projected to cover loss of over 1 million Netflix customers and restore plunging stock price.

According to Netflix website, “customers deserve a special and unique entertainment experience. There are several options for streaming video, but not too many places where you can rent vintage VHS titles. We want to fill that entertainment void.”

Major Videoster will provide blockbuster titles such as Romancing the Stone, Ernest goes to Camp, Cannonball Run 2 and seasons 1-4 of the television series Dallas. Auggie Manchester, a college freshman at Missouri State University said, “I’ve never heard of any of those movies…what the hell is VHS?”

Jobs invented this awesome iPhone case

Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives.

“He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, too bad about that his passing, he would have made a good business man.” Others shared similar sentiments. “Steve Jobs changed my life by inventing the internet and Facebook. Oh wait and YouTube. He did that too,” said Neil Younger, a freshman at Hillcrest High School.

Several Ozarks residents were stunned with disbelief upon hearing the news. “Steve Jobs created one of my fondest memories…my neck tattoo of a naked lady with the head of a bison,” sobbed Mule Henderson of Sparta, MO, “that is the same Steve we’re talking about right? The tattoo artist down on the square that works in the alley?”

Jobs’ impact was felt across all economic landscapes. “Used to be, I could steal a radio and get 10 maybe 15 dollars for it. After Apple started making pocket computers, I could swipe an iPhone, iPad, iWhatever and haul in a nice payday on the black market. Thank you Mr. Jobs,” said meth addict and convicted thief Jonas DerFukensteinhandle of Boliver, MO.

Steve Jobs impacted the lives of Ozarkers by offering them access to revolutionary devices that were often used for unconventional purposes. “Like the twisty face thing in Photo Booth, man that thing is hilarious! Lemme show you this picture of me and my bird Scuttles that I sent to my friends around the world in a matter of seconds,” said Andrew Biwell as he reached into his pocket, fumbled his iPhone and dropped it to the ground shattering into a thousand pieces then spouted, “Aw piece of crap Apple!”

Cross Zapper 3000 activated at night

Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening.

Pending a few modifications to the existing structure—electrical current from the local transformer and the addition to a huge tray to collect the electrified exoskeletons—the new Cross Zapper 3000 should be up and running by the end of the week.

Dr. Kyle Themall said, “We were looking for a way to prevent the spread of encephalitis, dengue, malaria, and West Nile Fever when we realized that they were all tied to one single insect, the mosquito. After long hours of debate into the night, I strolled outside for a smoke and noticed the illuminated cross atop our building and eureka! I had the idea to make a giant bug zapper of it.”

The Cross Zapper 3000 will be run by energy efficient means as the creepy bug corpses collected will be burned in a furnace that feeds the current to the device. Said local environmentalist Guy B. Buggin, “Arthropods are among the most diverse group of animals on the planet and represent more than half of all known living organisms on Earth – I think we can afford to lose a few here in the Ozarks.”

Nixa Software provides digital solutions for agro-techs

Nixa, MO—Seven acres of software opened in Christian County on Highway 14 and 160 this week as Nixa Software welcomes digital loving rural customers who will be provided with high-tech gear for getting chores done around the house or the ranch. “I bought my daddy a iPhone holder belt buckle, his phone just slides into the buckle and he can access it anytime, perfectly matches his iStetson with build in Bluetooth headphones,” said Lulu Billingsly, a rancher in Willard, MO.

Nixa Software will feature large departments where electronic items such as GPS systems, digital displays and MP3s geared toward a better growing season can be found. “I’m a big fan of ‘Let you Lawn be Luscious’ which is a podcast by Miracle Grow that I listen to during the harvest season so I can have a great lawn once spring arrives,” said Hank Millower, a successful soy bean farmer south of town.

The new owners said, “When Circuit City closed doors we thought it a perfect opportunity to start a digital storefront positioned in a rural setting. Farmers, ranchers and hayseeds are all taking part in the digital revolution, just at a slower pace. Now the acceleration of adoption on the farm is hitting a critical mass. We sell MP3 players and computer programs to people who ride 6-figure trackers down to the weekend rancher riding his John Deere. All of these people have their lawn rides stereo system tricked out with the latest gadgets nowadays.”
Most traffic to the new store is expected to come from curious shoppers across the street at Nixa Hardware, however the new owners expect the word to spread quicker than a rogue grove of dogwood trees.

Trap door leads to wolves

Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated Morris to his board of directors. Salesmen, annoying subordinates, and Jedi knights are all reasons stated by Morris that a trap-door/wolf pit is needed.

The 5’ by 5’ trap door will be situated in front of Morris’s hand crafted oak desk. At the simple press of a button, hidden underneath the desk, opens the door thus sending the victim to his death. Morris’s lawyers stated that because the wolves do the tearing and feeding, Morris cannot be held responsible for the deaths.

Morris had a tough time choosing the animal for the pit. Beavers, otters, and stuffed polar bears where all choices for the pit. But, wolves were finally chosen because of their deadliness among other reasons. “No land animal is more patriotic than wolves. When people get torn to shreds I want them to think about the greatest country on Earth: America,” states Morris.

Morris’s dream of a trap door had gone through several incantations, but his previous traps were not at all effective. “In the 80’s I had a trap door that dropped my victims into the bass and gar tank on the lower level of the shopping center. But, it took forever for the bass to gum my enemies to death. 9 times out of 10 I had to pull them out and apologize,” stated Morris.

The wolves were imported from northern Montana and transported to Bass Pro Shops weeks ago. For tax and legal purposes the wolves will be labeled as downsizing consultants.

FCN goes backward in technology...who agreed to this again?

Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement.

“I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to swat flies with,” said Norman Donaldson of Nixa, “That FCN is printed on paper worse than my bulk purchased single-ply toilet paper, and the content is about as mindless as the backside that I clean it with.”

According to reports, Fair City News decided to publish a paper version to help revitalize the “dead tree press, because, in this economy, if anyone needs help it is the newspaper industry. God bless Steve Gutenberg and his printing press technology.”

Fair City News was founded in 2009 as a technically savvy weblog, connected to hip social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook and was recognized as a hot local blog full of promise. Now, in the “future” FCN is basically a pick-up and read by the crapper quick-fix.

Missouri State University Professor of Journalism, Hal Victor, said, “FCN was cute when it was a blog, now that it is a printed publication it makes a great homeless person’s blanket.”

One print edition reader, Haley Newsome said, “The press on screen is not as appealing as appealing as the print on the paper. I prefer to have the ink stain my fingers as I read the satire that drips into my mind.” The blog version of FCN can still be found at www.FairCityNews.com.

Fair City News management has revealed that the trend in reverse-technology has proved to be successful and plans to launch a FCN branded helium-filled zeppelin to report satire news in the near future, source a team of vagabonds to pass stories via the spoken word from generation to generation, implement fireside chats on the furniture-sized radios, deploy news releases via 8-track and vows to avoid run-on sentences…from time to time.

Borders Group CEO sends a telegraph before heading to soda fountain

Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a half bag of corn chips.

“Due to Barnes and Noble’s phenomenal e-reader, the Nook, we need all the bandwidth we can get. Man, those things are amazing. What a great time to be in the book business….as long as you not selling actual books,” said Barnes and Noble CEO Chance Starspeed.

Because the e-reader is selling so well, the Borders Express, found at the Battlefield Mall, was also purchased and is being used to store extra Nooks.

“Don’t get me wrong; these babies are flying off the shelves, as are all e-readers. But, we thought it would be good to have some extra ones hanging around,” stated Starspeed.

The bankruptcy of Borders was no surprise. Joining the e-reader game so late spelled disaster for the company. Borders said they could not compete with the seamless download times and storage space of e-readers such as The Nook, Kindle, and iPad.

‘We thought people would love to have the feel of paper in their hands while they read,” said Borders CEO Conner L. Wordsworth, during his address over the telegram, “I guess we were wrong.” The CEO then promptly hand-cranked his horseless carriage and drove to the local five and dime for a delicious soda fountain water to take off the edge.

Borders is believed to have recouped some of their loses by selling books to impoverished European countries for kindling and toilet paper.

Apple fanboy responsible for stock increase

Springfield, MO-Apple, the maker of the popular iPhone, iPad, Macintosh computers, and countless other technological gadgets posted a profit of 16 billion dollars for the year, 2010. “We’re excited about the numbers for the past year,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “It was a record year for the company and we would first and foremost like to thank Springfield, Missouri resident Lucas Edwards.” It is rare for Jobs to explain the company’s sales beyond the numbers, and certainly rarer for him to single out one consumer. “Well, let’s see, I can remember buying an iPad, Apple TV, and a new Macbook in the past year,” explains Edwards. “But, to be honest, when I’m shopping for Apple merchandise I tend to blackout and wake up in the morning drooling on my keyboard looking at a confirmation e-mail of the night’s purchases.”

Jobs expanded further saying, “We were looking at a down year, despite the launch of the iPad, but then Lucas Edwards went on a couple of spending benders, and next thing you know, profits are off the charts.” Edwards claims that this year he won’t need to shop for anything new, but admitted, “At this point, I don’t feel like I have much control over my urges. I already have an iPhone with AT&T, but with the announcement of the Verizon iPhone, I plan on keeping my contract with AT&T and purchasing the Verizon iPhone, so I can compare, and ultimately keep both of them.”

Edwards love of Apple extends beyond technology, he doesn’t allow oranges in the house and even avoids political correct speech saying, “I don’t even want my speech to be a PC.” Edwards has gotten a 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th job to keep up with his addiction. This situation is fine for Edwards, and even more fine for Jobs. “As long as Lucas Edwards is continually buying Apple products, Apple will thrive for years to come, even if he doesn’t.”

Surprisingly, AgroMix Ozarks went largely unnoticed

Nixa, MO—It seemed like the perfect business plan in the red-hot social media boom, but a Nixa man’s agriculture-themed photo sharing site folded today, mere hours after its initial public offering failed to draw a single investor. “She’s as stillborn as a two-headed calf,” bemoaned LarryEarl Smith, founder and creator of the now defunct AgroMix social media network.

Smith based his business model on similar sites that have enjoyed sustained success in drawing visitors and advertising revenue. Unlike those sites, which feature photos of hip, young metropolitan city-dwellers enjoying Springfield’s nightlife — often in scant or racy attire — Smith’s site took visitors well outside the city limits.  “Not everyone enjoys pictures of young, thin college girls with all their teeth,” Smith explained.

Sample photo collections on AgroMix included such topics as “Milkmaids of Marshfield,” “Babes of Bois D’Arc” and the highly anticipated “2011 Christian County Tractor and Lingerie Collection”. “He was simply trying to tap into the rural market,” said Ray Don Cheeter, a cousin of Smith’s who said he seriously considered investing in the project. “I’d have done it, too, but the MegaMillions got up to $315 million that same week, and I ended up investing my money there instead. I mean, I’ve got my retirement to think of,” Cheeter said.

Cheeter said his cousin may have simply overestimated the demand for another social media site. “I’m not even sure they can get Internet service in Bois D’Arc, other than sattelite — and hell, you may as well paint your bass boat gold for what you pay for that — and I told him that,” Cheeter said.

Smith says he remains undeterred, and is considering moving his operations to the Branson area. “I think with a little tweaking, this could still work to fit a Branson audience,” Smith said. “I even purchased the domain name today, so look for BlueHairMix.net.”

Local search engine biz runs out of queries.

Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much information, there’s not much the little guys can do anymore. It all comes down to volume.”

“For years we’ve had people send us mail, stop in, or call over the telephone asking about things that they don’t know,” explains Erma. “Old Bob here, jumps in the Pontiac and hurries down to the library, or calls his cousin, Paul, who knows just about everything, or he asks the guys he has coffee with at Kum ‘N’ Go. Then he hurries on back with an answer. I guess people just don’t appreciate that human touch anymore.”

Erma says she can remember when people were lined up around the block just to find out answers to things they didn’t know. “Back then, people were asking things like, ‘Who played the daughter in, It’s a Wonderful Life? Or How do I Spot a Communist? Or ‘Marilyn Monroe’ and naked.”

Bob’s grandfather, Chester started the business in 1884 under the name Chester’s Inquiry Emporium. Back then, people would have to stop by in person with a question, or send it by stagecoach. When Bob took over he modernized the business by accepting telephone calls. “I just can’t modernize anymore,” says Bob “Only thing I can think to do is put a V6 in my car, and at a nickel a question, we just can’t afford it. People today want their information to be free.”

“Google doesn’t care. They’re happy undercutting the small guys,” explains Bob. “I can remember when there were four search engines within a square mile here. Now, we’re the last ones left, and we have to shut down.” The store will close on Saturday, with a big half off sale. Bob can’t afford to retire just yet, so he plans to work part time at his cousin’s shop, Sully’s Answering Machines and VHS Tapes. Although Bob admits, “They ain’t doing so hot either.”