Kids in small town almost have conversation

Fair Grove, MO- After a devastating drinking and driving accident where Pastor Lithcow’s only son was nearly killed, the town of Green Oak (a small town 5 miles outside of Fair Grove) decided to ban all unruly teenage behavior. The behavior includes drinking, loud music, and dancing. But, all the teens are too busy texting, face-booking, instant messaging, and e-mailing to even notice. “Do people even dance anymore?” asks sophomore Ariel Hough while updating her Facebook status 18 times. “I mean this isn’t Civil War times or the 80’s.” Other teens are confused about the idea of a dance ban when they are hardly ever in the same room with each other thanks to advance technology.

“Other than staring silently at a movie screen or eating at a restaurant while texting other people who are at other restaurants, why would I even want to see my friends in this physical universe, much less dance with them. I mean we have World of Warcraft and Second Life and that is frankly almost too much,” says senior Miles Willard. “God, I can’t wait till we can just be plugged into the Matrix.”
The adults of the small town were quite proud of how quickly the ban worked, with the dance hall, arcade, and parks totally void of teenage life. Granted, according to town records, they were totally empty since 2005.

“And I am pretty sure that pastor’s son was texting and driving not drinking,” said Julie Armstrong. “I don’t think adults even know about cell phones. Half the people here use early 90’s car phones or just…what do you call it? Oh yeah face to face conversation.” When asked what would happen if texting were banned, most teens said they would organize a mass protest or suicide.

One part of a larger plan

Springfield, MO – Last night, Fair City News received secret documents from an anonymous source indicating that the Assemblies of God (AOG) headquarters based in Springfield, Missouri, are behind the plans for the new 200 foot tall walk-through cross to be built near Branson.  However, the information that has local conspiracy bloggers abuzz is that once constructed, this giant cross will apparently be linked to two other giant crosses, one in Effingham, Illinois, and the other outside of Amarillo, Texas, creating a gargantuan interferometer, or antenna, that along with the giant praying hands in Webb City, Missouri, will channel prayer energy from the Midwest directly into outer space in order to summon the early return of Jesus Christ.  Attempts to contact AOG officials about the leaked documents were unsuccessful.

Being called the VLPA (Very Large Prayer Array), this interferometer cover-up is inspired by the Catholic Church’s early yet futile attempts to build two antennas.  The first, disguised as the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, and the other as the cross at the Valley of the Fallen in Spain.

Adding to this unfolding web of conspiracy is the puzzling placement of the recently constructed Pensmore Mansion in Highlandville, Missouri.  For the last year, theories have been rampant as to what the true purpose of this supposedly indestructible mansion would be.  Why build such a structure in the middle of the Ozarks? It now appears that it will ultimately serve as the future home and operational headquarters for the King of Kings.

The public still has many questions about channeling such a great amount of focused prayer energy into space, as it has yet never been attempted.  Some people seem to be excited about the project. Others worry about the many complications that could arise.  Popular concerns range from the energy being harnessed by evil aliens to somehow bringing forth an “imposter” or “bizarro” Jesus by summoning him too early.

We will keep you informed as details emerge.

Amish rockin' the flip phone

Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s.
“When we stopped progressing technology to avoid the evils of modern life, we never thought it was going to go this far. Sure, we were able to avoid the temptation of the horseless carriage, radio, and television. But, computers? DVD? Walk-men? Tamagotchi? We are not made of stone.”
They later stated that technology won’t be considered evil as long as it is 20 years obsolete instead of a hundred.
Because of the 90’s upgrade there will be numerous changes to the community. Instead of black outfits all members will wear grungy plaid and ripped jeans. Instead of churning butter, making quilts and jams, and traveling by horse drawn carriage they will be churning out simple web sites using HTML, making observational humor and wooden cases for beanie babies ,and travel by winged toasters. Also all male-female relationships will be changed from marriages to “will they or won’t they” relationship likened to Ross and Rachael in the first 5 seasons of Friends. And their main source of entertainment will be Jim Carry movies before he got all serious and “act-y”.

“We are very excited about the changes,” states community member Elijah Woodstack. “Of course the punishments are even worse now. You will either be put into the Real World type confessional booth and tell about all you discretions or wear the stained blue dress of shame.”
But, the Amish still have a sincere reverence for their beliefs. They pray daily and songs of faith can be heard during the morning worship. “I am all out of faith, this is how I feel. I am cold and ashamed laying naked on the floor,” the members sing in perfect unison during a morning church meeting.
The Amish will still be pacifist, only fighting if a Cacodemon wonders into the area or aliens wearing biomechanical suits blow up their newly raised barns (and only thing if Will Smith is not around). Ice Cream shoved in their face will still be allowed, but only if it is Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future.

Google Hipster car outside of Midnight Rodeo on Glenstone avenue

Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture the unique view on life. The Google Hipster car sports a large pair of trademark black geek-chic frames over the camera lens.

“I seen that Google car driving around and figured someone was a playin’ a joke on it,” said Newton Arthur, 87 of Springfield. The giant eyeglasses of increasing coolness and size are placed upon the camera lens to identify areas of interest for local and visiting hipsters to the area, such as independent art galleries or indie movie houses.

A Google spokesperson confirmed that when the Hipster view is selected on Google Maps a wide selection of filters are available including: Camero, Rise and Shine, Roaster or 1976. The soft glow street view will help Hipsters identify attractions such as beer gardens that serve PBR in cans, live music locations featuring bands that you’ve never heard of and locations where second hand  or vintage

Google Hipster car outside of Midnight Rodeo on Glenstone avenue

clothing is sold.

“I was looking for a great place to pass out, if I had access to Google Hipster view I could have found the perfect spot. Instead I wound up in a forbidden zone, nowhere near the part-time editorial assistant position that I was interviewing for in the morning,” said Champ Lewison, a self-denying hipster dressed in skinny jeans, plaid shirt, scarf and beanie above black rimmed glasses.

Google Hipster view hopes to ensure that hipsters find ways to be highly creative, intelligent, thoughtful, and witty as they search for purpose and inner worth – at least in their own minds or onscreen lives.

Big red box on square will contain City's secrets

Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives.

A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or at the very least some record involving Yakov Smirnoff. Instead we walked away with online police reports, online job applications, y’know these people don’t have anything. What a waste of time.”

The group claims it accessed data from the city that includes names, Social Security numbers, cell phones, addresses and physical descriptions of more than 2,100 normally boring citizens. Max Frustrey said, “hey man that’s cool if they have my information. I can just take someone else’s. Like that Englishman who was busted in Ozark – I hear his identity is coming available.”

City Officials have decided to remove sensitive personal information from their collective websites due and instead host the files in a milk box near the fountain on the square. “At least the hackers won’t get the info that way. Plus we have security cameras up so we could actually see who was trying to take the physical files,” said a city official.

“We’re honored that the group Anonymous decided to focus on our small town here in the Ozarks. I’m guessing Julian Assange literally threw a dart at a spinning globe to determine the next hack-attack. Our city was pierced through by the dart. I can’t wait to see what WikiLeaks will report: government makes people wait in extremely long line to renew driver license,” said Sam Kwillow of Springfield.

Like um, what?

Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts.  “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and put it in the box that’s mail, and if it’s sent over the internet that’s email, but I don’t know why the government is choosing to send all our email to Kansas City people. What are they
gonna do with it?”

Mindy’s main concern was protection of her private information.  “I’ve emailed my friends, mom, dad, pastor, professors, therapist, psychic, sister, uncle, and classmates and I’m worried that if someone in Kansas City gets ahold of information about me or anyone I’ve emailed I will, like, go Jack Nicholson and bash a car in with a golf club, because then they can use that information and do something like tell my mom what I told my psychic about her.”

Mindy is a Political Science major with hopes to be “the first female Cabinet member for a really good President.”  She states that in getting into government, she hopes to prevent closings like this in the future.  Mindy stated: “My goal is to make government better so this stuff doesn’t happen to good people like Springfieldians, and also to be invited to Kris and Bruce Jenner’s pool party, so be prepared to vote the Kapling/Kardashian ticket in 2024!”

Oh, no, no,no

Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko.

The new graphic was created to show top trending items shared between groups of trolls and commenters. “Yeah, it makes us as a community look like we are obsessed with death. Why couldn’t some of the iPod people be talking about their upcoming weekend or how cool Lake Springfield is this time of the year, or about how much fun downtown can be…seriously? That graphic sucks,” said Hal Vomit, of Midtown.

Communications expert, Dr. J. J. Shaymesin confirms that reported news is a reflection of who we are as a society and OzarksFirst has simply captured our mirror image by combining consumerism (iPod people) with human death fascination (awful headlines).

“Yes, it is a bad move for the design of the site, but not all is lost. I like what they did with the top header image, it looks like they tried really hard to copy the Springfield skyline photo that FairCityNews has made popular since 2009,” professed Fazzinoko.

Apple Tent to open this Spring at Target

Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices.

Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know that they are building iPads under that tent right now! I can’t wait for the Apple Tent to open – so retro cool!” Target pioneered the concept of offering designer items at affordable prices in 1999 with the launch of Michael Graves home accessories. “A cheap chic computer mantra is obviously the next step in merchandising to the masses,” said Kerry Yulandersheild, a Target representative.

“The Apple Tent concept is an approachable way to merchandise highly sophisticated computers to an everyday crowd. Most folks see a tent and say, ‘Hey, I can afford whatever is inside that, let’s go buy something I can afford’ which is exactly what we are banking on,” said Yulandershield. News of the Apple Tent opening sent Apple and Target shares soaring.

“I really think that it is a full circle approach to computing. Apple started in a garage and now they are being offered from an un-airconditioned tent. Maybe circle is too strong a word…distorted oval might better apply,” claims Steven Hovenshiver, a professor of Economics at Missouri State University.

High hopes aside, claims are surfacing that the Apple Tent is nothing more than a collection of stolen and broken machines refurbished to schlep upon unsuspecting Apple fan boys who fall asleep at night under the cold screen glare of an imposing monster machine race readying itself to take over the world.

FCN is going dark today to promote these things. There will be no post today. Please help make these things happen. Again this is not related to the controversial blackouts that Wikipedia, Reddit, Minecraft, Craigslist, and Boing Boing are engaged in regarding SOPA or PIPA censorship protests. This is about world peace, cold hard cash, the fountain of youth, mouth parties, entertaining tv, and blazing a path upon a mythical creature.

Underground water tower

Springfield, MO – The board of public utilities voted to secure an underground location to house a new water tower. The new tower will be housed 3 miles underground northeast of Highland Springs Country Club near Farm Road 189 and U.S. 60.

The board appeased objections to residents living both sides of U.S. 65 near Evans Road who feared that property values and sightlines would be compromised. “The ability to place a water tower underground provides many benefits,” said BOPU member H. Arthur Beowrey. According to reports, the underground water tower is the first in the country and utilizes some amazing technology.

“We harnessed to power of the God particle from recent Large Hadron Collider (LHC) tests to reverse the flow of water from underground to above ground,” said Swiss scientist Borg De Borge. “Apparently the need for invisible water tower production is capable with the elusive and previously hypothetical Higgs boson massive elementary particle.”

Originally, the God particle was expected to explain the existence of a field (called the Higgs field) which permeates space, that would break electroweak gauge symmetry which in turn gives rise to the Higgs mechanism. It is the simplest process capable of giving mass to the gauge bosons while remaining compatible with gauge theories.

Opponents of the plan simply suggest that a reverse water pump would solve the issue.