DGB runs cross-country breaking all records

Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific Ocean.

 
“Dorial is a special player. Once he catches a ball he is gone. I mean gone. There is no stopping him, unless you are an body of water, like an ocean,” said his coach. Green-Beckham recorded over 2,000 yards receiving on the catch running from Missouri’s Hoyt Shumate Stadium to Pike Place Market in Seattle Washington, crisscrossing 9 states in the process.

The highly touted football standout completed the trip in under 30-minutes and for a moment stopped the rotation of Earth and reversing space and time. “I remember throwing my popcorn in the air after he caught the ball, then next thing I knew I was sitting on the bleachers with a full popcorn bucket in my hand…what happened?” said Hillcrest football fan Will Pollian.

The touchdown put Hillcrest up 14-0 against Republic, and DBG returned to finish the game in after half time. Never before has a physical feat been attempted. Green-Beckahm even took time to visit the Seattle Seahawks while he was in the Pacific Northwest.

Ghost mourns the loss of a house to haunt

Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are also trying for government assistant through the ghost of Lincoln and Grover Cleveland.

“I cannot believe it,” said the ghost of a 1920’s factory worker. “You haunt a place for years, and now I am haunting a Starbucks till they close then I haunt the bus station. And I thought the most depression part of my life would be when I died in that industrial accident. Nope, bus station at 3 in the morning.”

The ghost is not only dark denizen facing hardships. Poltergeists are forced to sit at intersections with signs proclaiming, “Will Haunt For Ectoplasm”. Demonic apparitions are no longer beckoning men to kill their families with axes, but tempting house wives to buy the non-low-fat cookies at the grocery store. And vampires, being evicted from their coffin rich basements, must sleep in coffin shaped card board boxes that were once used to deliver coffins.

“You have to take it on day at a time,” sighed Vlad Parksdale, a 5,000 year old vampire. “I have lived through about 278 recessions so I know I can make it through this one. The crowds at the blood lines are horrible though. I have to wait hours for a pint.”

Many of the monsters are moving back to their native soil. Werewolves returning to their packs in Romania, vampires to Transylvania, witches to Britain, and demons back to the bowels of Hell.

“I mean it isn’t perfect. Come on, it is Hell. But, at least it is a warm place to stay. And I do mean very, very warm. Plus we get three square meals of human flesh a day, so no complaints” moaned a demon whose name is unpronounced with the human tongue.

The creatures of the night are hoping to return to their haunting and possessions when the economy gets an upswing, but they are cautiously optimistic.

“Brains, brains,” groaned Hollister McMillion, a recent zombie. “Brains is what will make America great again We just need another Ford, Jobs, or Zuckerberg to get us out of this funk. I want more brains.”

First annual Gangsta Days at the range

Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks.

“Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and other rappers who shoot each other, we thought we could create a gangster atmosphere that appealed to them in order to introduce them to competitive marksmanship,” said Tip Faster, a lead marketer for the range.

According to reports, hip-hop music will be blasted as participants pick off targets down range, Glocks will be issued for each shooter and a class on how to shoot handguns sideways will teach the finer points of gangster warfare. Most anticipation has been built around the conversion of the shotgun skeet area into a drive by shooting range. A modified pulley cart will pull shooters across the field while targets pop up, ready to be blasted into oblivion. The archery range will be outfitted with strobe lights and a crowded dancefloor where targets must be identified within a hot club setting.

“Overall, we want to introduce new people to firearms and safety of said firearms. We don’t need any homeboy homicides on our city streets. This event should help raise awareness in the hood,” said Faster.

A retro shooting booth will be outfitted with a tommy gun for any older marksmen who mistakenly show up expecting a Chicago-style gangster event.

Mannequins protest on South Street

Springfield, MO – People gathered and gawked outside of Staxx and Moda at last weekend’s Art Walk, admiring the realness and mobility of the mannequins standing in the business’ windows. It was later discovered that the mannequins were actually human models, wearing human clothes and standing as still as humanly possible, just like mannequins normally do.

That the humans were indeed humans was confirmed, not only when the models needed bathroom breaks, but by a group of mannequins protesting the loss of their positions outside of Bistro Market on the corner of Walnut Avenue and South Street. The mannequins were holding large signs, which displayed such phrases as, “Leave the wearing of clothing to those without faces or genitalia,” “Mannequins are people too,” and “HuMANNEQUIN!”

According to owners of local clothing stores, the economy has suffered so much that it is cheaper to hire part-time human mannequins than it is to buy full-time mannequin mannequins. This is bad news for out of work mannequins, many of whom have already had to lose their arms, legs, or heads in order to be more affordable to local businesses.

Public feelings about the new in-window clothing-wearers are mixed.

“I think it’s great to see some attractive people getting work,” said downtown patron Travis Ebbs. “Not enough opportunities come to attractive people these days.”

“Well, I think it’s awful,” said resident Aleana Garrett, “and I heard the mannequins have been on a hunger strike—they haven’t eaten a thing since the protests started. The mannequins should be the ones showing humans how humans look in human clothing—they are better at standing still and have much brighter personalities than models do.”

When asked about the job crisis or the protests, the mannequins had no comment.

Strange mascot "Rally Bass" adopted by the Springfield Cardinals

Springfield, MO – To capitalize on the success of the St. Louis Cardinals rally squirrel, the local farm team has adopted a team mascot equally powerful in producing wins. The new mascot has ties to the Ozarks and is simply known as the “Rally Bass”. The Rally Bass was first seen floppin’ his way from the Springfield Cardinals dugout to home plate, then flipped into the stands where it wriggled away from capture.

“WTF was that?” exclaimed umpire Darrel Trenton, a minor league veteran of 19 years, “I swear to God, that was the ugliest, most foul display of movement I have even seen. Not only on the field but in my life. The stench was really quite offensive. I’m mentally scarred for life.” The Rally Bass appeared at the end of the minor league season and led the little Cards to an elusive victory. After the game, grounds crews searched for the air-breathing winged fish with no luck.

Larry Portinga, head groundskeeper said, “I really thought we were going to be in a hot mess for not finding that beast, but now I think the success of the rally squirrel has paved the way for the return of the Rally Bass. We are eagerly awaiting his return next Spring. He’s good for the team morale.”

During the MLB playoffs the rally squirrel helped the Cardinals win seemingly impossible games; local Springfield Cardinal fans have equally high hopes for the Rally Bass here at Hammons Field. “Rally bass is gonna totally help us win next year, I can feel it,” said Charlie Mowers, a 14-year old Springfield Cardinals fan. Next season Bass Pro Shops will be the official sponsor of Rally Bass and encourages all fans to welcome his return for a successful run in the minor league playoffs.

“We’re gonna have to keep Fetch the Dog away from Rally Bass, but the merchandise sales and once-in-a-lifetime experience one can get at the ballpark will keep the fans coming back for more. We’re very excited for Rally Bass,” said a team spokesperson. Big league manager Tony LaRussa said, “keep that flying fish away from Busch Stadium.”

Kindling make burning books so much easier!

Republic, MO- After the banning of certain books by the Republic School board, Amazon decided that the Springfield area would be the perfect place to beta test the new Kindling. With its gasoline-infused wood paneling and faulty circuit board, The Kindling is perfect for book burning. The Kindling is priced at 200 dollars and comes preloaded with banned books such as: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Ulysses, To Kill A Mocking Bird, and of course Fahrenheit 451.

“This is going to save us so much time and money,” said Kurt Twain. “Usually, when we have book burnings it takes hours. Now we can just burn all the banned books in minutes. I can even download multiple copies of a single book. Last week I burned 18 copies of Slaughter House Five in 30 seconds.”

The Kindling has numerous features besides being able to download banned books. It can also play banned music, although at a certain point the Kindling will switch from music to screaming “I am melting, MELTING! What a world.” The device will also be able to play 30 second clips of violent and sexual films such as Clockwork Orange and Caligula and show pictures of risqué paintings.

“This is amazing,” said Candice McDonald. “My group, the Parents Interested in Saving Student’s Youth (or PISSY) wants to keep kids away from all forms of expression that is not appropriate – be it movies, music, or books. Kids should be happy with classics like “The Boxcar Children” and “Mrs. Piggly-Wiggly.” Stories with powerful lessons like clean your room and never question authority. Now, thanks to Kindling we can burn books on our lunch break.”

Cloud city bus transfer station selected by CU

Springfield, MO – Local City Utility officials have decided that the best option for building a new bus transfer station will be in the sky. Bus Cloud Station 14 will be built by 2014 and will hover above downtown Springfield, directly above the existing bus station.

“It really is a great solution, we don’t have to impose eminent domain and we don’t need to allocate funds to purchase land. The only hurdle we have to cross is the power of levitation. And by 2014 we should have that well in hand,” said one CU board member. The futuristic bus transfer station will be large enough to accommodate CU’s new fleet of hover-bus due to arrive in the next three years.

“We really thought the hover-buses deserved a new land based transfer station, but then we realized, hey they all hover!” said the CU board member. According to sources the bus transfer station is looking to employ a superior race of hawk-men to work and maintain the structure. “Hawk-men have been living their entire lives in the sky, they’d be the best option we are going to explore,” said a release from the CU human resources department. “We’re also seeking the leadership that a Landau Calrissian could bring to our cloud operation,” said the release.

CU plans to pay for the new hover station with a slight increase in gas and electricity over the period of two months. The amount generated should be enough to rent the Super Proton Synchrotron (SPS) tunnel, located at the CERN particle research centre near Geneva to find the elusive anti-gravity molecules necessary for project completion.

Local man tries out a golf club he won’t be purchasing

Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming  thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations.

“I don’t know how they are going to keep the doors open if people like me don’t buy anything. All the gear looked real good, I just don’t have any money to purchase anything. It was fun to ‘window shop’ for a while,” said Lewis Ferguson of Nixa, “now I know exactly what they have in case I feel like shopping for real someday.”

Over the weekend thousands of cars clogged the parking lot and adjoining parking lots at Sam’s Club and the Library Center with curious Academy would-be shoppers. “We sold one piece of half-priced gum. That’s it. Everyone was just looking around browsing. One lady had to touch every piece of clothing then hold it up to her in a mirror, then she’d just place it back on the rack. I think she was taking mental pictures of herself,” said Sid Gomner, District Manager.

The company plans to keep the doors open to satisfy all the areas curious residents. “We figure there are a lot more people who want to check out our store, look around for an hour and a half and not buy a darn thing. We figure we could stay open for months before anything actually sells,” sighed Gomner.

A full size replica of the Hindenberg sits across from the Titanic

Branson, MO- It looks as if fire and ice will come together when Branson’s Hindenburg Museum will open next month directly across the street from the world famous Titanic Museum. The Hindenburg Museum will let visitors see the horror of the famous explosion that destroyed the LZ 129 Hindenburg zeppelin on May 6, 1937 through interactive exhibits and memorabilia.

“We are very excited,” said the museum’s Marketing Director Damien Hearth, “It was a real tragedy that the air ship, described as many as “un-explodable”, lost so many souls. I mean, only 36 to be exact. But, it is quality not quantity.”

The exhibits will include numerous burned items including hats, hand bags, and dinnerware. Most of it will be burnt past recognition, but helpful labels carefully placed in the ash will let visitors know what the blackened items once were. There will be a 10-foot high pile of “burnt-a-topia” where all the items that cannot be identified will be stacked for all to see.

Some interactive exhibits include putting your hand over an open flame to see how long you can last to emphasize with the victims, make your own Herbert Morrison narration over the news reel footage, and sit in a Luftwaffe plane that was restored from the Hindenburg wreckage.

“That last one might not last too long,” said Hearth, “People get all up tight when putting their kids in a German fighter plane. It is not like we have a simulation where they shoot down Allied aircraft…that won’t able available until March.”

“I am so glad the Hindenburg Museum will shed light on the tragedy,” said Apollo Fires, an expert in Hindenology. “To think this tragedy could have been avoided if only they had enough life-gliders on board. Unfortunately they didn’t have any…because they have never existed.”

The museum will be opening late October with a spectacular grand opening complete with giant hydrogen filled balloons for children and sparklers for everyone. Grand opening banners have been printed to read, “Oh the Humanity!”