DGB runs cross-country breaking all records

Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific Ocean.

 
“Dorial is a special player. Once he catches a ball he is gone. I mean gone. There is no stopping him, unless you are an body of water, like an ocean,” said his coach. Green-Beckham recorded over 2,000 yards receiving on the catch running from Missouri’s Hoyt Shumate Stadium to Pike Place Market in Seattle Washington, crisscrossing 9 states in the process.

The highly touted football standout completed the trip in under 30-minutes and for a moment stopped the rotation of Earth and reversing space and time. “I remember throwing my popcorn in the air after he caught the ball, then next thing I knew I was sitting on the bleachers with a full popcorn bucket in my hand…what happened?” said Hillcrest football fan Will Pollian.

The touchdown put Hillcrest up 14-0 against Republic, and DBG returned to finish the game in after half time. Never before has a physical feat been attempted. Green-Beckahm even took time to visit the Seattle Seahawks while he was in the Pacific Northwest.

First annual Gangsta Days at the range

Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks.

“Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and other rappers who shoot each other, we thought we could create a gangster atmosphere that appealed to them in order to introduce them to competitive marksmanship,” said Tip Faster, a lead marketer for the range.

According to reports, hip-hop music will be blasted as participants pick off targets down range, Glocks will be issued for each shooter and a class on how to shoot handguns sideways will teach the finer points of gangster warfare. Most anticipation has been built around the conversion of the shotgun skeet area into a drive by shooting range. A modified pulley cart will pull shooters across the field while targets pop up, ready to be blasted into oblivion. The archery range will be outfitted with strobe lights and a crowded dancefloor where targets must be identified within a hot club setting.

“Overall, we want to introduce new people to firearms and safety of said firearms. We don’t need any homeboy homicides on our city streets. This event should help raise awareness in the hood,” said Faster.

A retro shooting booth will be outfitted with a tommy gun for any older marksmen who mistakenly show up expecting a Chicago-style gangster event.

Strange mascot "Rally Bass" adopted by the Springfield Cardinals

Springfield, MO – To capitalize on the success of the St. Louis Cardinals rally squirrel, the local farm team has adopted a team mascot equally powerful in producing wins. The new mascot has ties to the Ozarks and is simply known as the “Rally Bass”. The Rally Bass was first seen floppin’ his way from the Springfield Cardinals dugout to home plate, then flipped into the stands where it wriggled away from capture.

“WTF was that?” exclaimed umpire Darrel Trenton, a minor league veteran of 19 years, “I swear to God, that was the ugliest, most foul display of movement I have even seen. Not only on the field but in my life. The stench was really quite offensive. I’m mentally scarred for life.” The Rally Bass appeared at the end of the minor league season and led the little Cards to an elusive victory. After the game, grounds crews searched for the air-breathing winged fish with no luck.

Larry Portinga, head groundskeeper said, “I really thought we were going to be in a hot mess for not finding that beast, but now I think the success of the rally squirrel has paved the way for the return of the Rally Bass. We are eagerly awaiting his return next Spring. He’s good for the team morale.”

During the MLB playoffs the rally squirrel helped the Cardinals win seemingly impossible games; local Springfield Cardinal fans have equally high hopes for the Rally Bass here at Hammons Field. “Rally bass is gonna totally help us win next year, I can feel it,” said Charlie Mowers, a 14-year old Springfield Cardinals fan. Next season Bass Pro Shops will be the official sponsor of Rally Bass and encourages all fans to welcome his return for a successful run in the minor league playoffs.

“We’re gonna have to keep Fetch the Dog away from Rally Bass, but the merchandise sales and once-in-a-lifetime experience one can get at the ballpark will keep the fans coming back for more. We’re very excited for Rally Bass,” said a team spokesperson. Big league manager Tony LaRussa said, “keep that flying fish away from Busch Stadium.”

Local man tries out a golf club he won’t be purchasing

Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming  thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations.

“I don’t know how they are going to keep the doors open if people like me don’t buy anything. All the gear looked real good, I just don’t have any money to purchase anything. It was fun to ‘window shop’ for a while,” said Lewis Ferguson of Nixa, “now I know exactly what they have in case I feel like shopping for real someday.”

Over the weekend thousands of cars clogged the parking lot and adjoining parking lots at Sam’s Club and the Library Center with curious Academy would-be shoppers. “We sold one piece of half-priced gum. That’s it. Everyone was just looking around browsing. One lady had to touch every piece of clothing then hold it up to her in a mirror, then she’d just place it back on the rack. I think she was taking mental pictures of herself,” said Sid Gomner, District Manager.

The company plans to keep the doors open to satisfy all the areas curious residents. “We figure there are a lot more people who want to check out our store, look around for an hour and a half and not buy a darn thing. We figure we could stay open for months before anything actually sells,” sighed Gomner.

Accounting VP demands reports on his desk now

Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers.

”Lance showed up at my desk and yelled at me. He said, ‘you better have that report on my desk or I’m gonna rip out your lungs and feed them to the piranha I keep in the men’s room, dirtbag!’ That is really uncalled for, I’ve never heard him yell like that before,” said Lori Trembles, a junior accountant with the firm who was wearing a Denver Broncos pullover.

Eyewitnesses reported unusual behavior from the man they had always respected and admired. Figpie was seen knocking over the water cooler, punching secretaries in the face and twice urinated on the fax machine. “Lance has really taken this whole ‘fun’ idea to wear jerseys to work to a new low level. He is a nightmare to be around while dressed as a Raiders fan,” said human resources manager Joan Yola who donned a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

Before the morning staff meeting began Richard Newton, wearing a San Diego Chargers branded polo shirt, rushed out to the parking lot to find his SUV on fire next to a burning trail of gasoline that read “Chargers Suck!”

Jim Jimmerson, principal and owner of the firm brushed aside Figpie’s behavior as “being in the spirit of the NFL” and declined to address the boorish antics for fear of a nooige followed by a swirley administered by Figpie. Employees were comforted slightly with the knowledge that the Raiders will go 2-14 this season.

CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENT TO RE-LOCATE

Springfield, MO – Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield Superintendent Mort Meek announced today that, due to weather conditions and topographical need, the Sesquicentennial Re-enactment of the Battle Of Wilson’s Creek will be take place at Highland Springs Country Club this weekend.

Over 3000 smelly, wool-clad, Union and Confederate would-be’s will take the field beginning this Friday (August 12) for the first in a series of three fights pitting brother against brother in commemoration of the battle that took place 150 years ago.

31 field artillery pieces and nearly 300 horses will join the fray in what will prove to be the largest demonstration of its sort in Ozarks’ history. From lines of infantry loosing musket-fire at point-blank range, to the flash of sword and saber of the cavalry charge, to the deep-throated rumble of cannon and caisson, Missouri’s part in the Civil War will be brought to life in all its flame and fury. When asked for comment, representatives of the Price Cutter Charity Championship scheduled to be contested at the same time on the same field of battle relied, “Huh?!?”

It has been reported that the Union Army has set up headquarters for its General Staff in a moderate little home just off the first tee. Though the family has been dispossessed they have taken up residence in a nearby Bud Lite refreshment tent. Journeyman golfers are not concerned with the possibility of shelling during the tournament. Says 13 year professional Thomas “Spikemark” Fergus, “Nah, no big deal. You should see what it’s like playing St. Andrews’. The have arrows and catapults and all sorts of medieval junk being flung at you. Those things you can’t hear coming. One minute you’re six under par, the next six feet under.”

Lance Corporal Birdie McDougal of the 11th Iowa is looking forward to the meeting of the ages. “I can’t wait to meet some of those Sissy-Mary’s on the real field of battle. I’ll match ‘em shot for shot.” Tournament officials report they will be enforcing two new local rules covering shrapnel as a loose impediment and loss of limb as a stroke and distance penalty.

Reps score points for fantasy owners

Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play NFL Fantasy Lock Out. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity that only happens once a generation. Now that it is over, I don’t know what to say.”

NFL Fantasy Lockout works in a similar fashion to regular fantasy football where “owners” select or draft “players” to comprise a “team”. The Lockout version features “owners” drafting “player representatives” and even head coaches such as Roger Goodell or DeMaurice Smith to score fantasy points. The higher the cumulative score of the team, the more likely a victory.

“My team ‘Playa Hatah’ had Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Tom Brady on it. When they filed the Brady lawsuit against the NFL I cashed in on the points. It was awesome and helped lead me to a league victory,” said Newt Owens.

Previously, only fantasy football players from the 80’s had any sort of reference to the lock out fantasy football league. “Like it has been said, it is not every year that a commissioner, labor head and player representatives make up a fantasy football team. I’m just glad that I had the chance to witness and participate in it,” said Owens.

Punch a deer season opens, camo brass knuckle sales increase

Springfield, MO—The local office of the Missouri Department of Conservation has announced the creation of Brass Knuckle Deer Season.  Beginning August 13 and running through August 25, punchers will be allowed two unconscious bucks per hunter, per season.  Doe punching will not be allowed as this falls under state statute regarding wife beating.

Department of Conservation spokesperson Brutus Wjchevski informed us that the purpose of the new hunt is not only to thin the herd, but, to separate the true hunter from the amateur boxing enthusiast.  “It takes a certain type of individual to go toe-to-hoof with a 16 pointer and throw a haymaker in hopes of a truly unique trophy.”

Would-be punchers are to complete three rounds in the alleyway behind The Landers Theatre with local pugilist Lightnin’ Joel Lomax.  Completion of this requirement is needed for one to attain a license through the Missouri Boxing and Venison Commission.

Camouflage “Knucks” are allowed, but, Everlast trunks in blaze orange are recommended for puncher/hunter safety.

Holo-Spoon projected on the court

Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team.

“It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his self,” said an athletic department spokesperson, “He was one of the best coaches MSU basketball has ever had and the fact that he’s not a real person is a real money saver for the University.We only have to pay a licensing fee for his likeness.”

Known as Holo-Spoon to the players, his likeness will be at every practice, game, recruiting trip and workout session. MSU professor George Geoginton said, “in this digital age, we should embrace technology and have a digital coach. Coach Spoonhour’s coaching style has been well documented over his 20-year career. We’ve simply compiled all of his motions, mannerisms and philosophies into a virtual reality version of himself. He is just as witty and effective as a hologram.”

The hiring of Holo-Spoon was met with great fanfare at the hologram’s press conference this afternoon. Holo-Spoon cracked a few one-liners, seemed at ease and genuinely happy to be back on the court coaching the Bears. Holo-Spoon was programmed to say in a scratchy flickering voice, “I’m ready to bring the Temple of Spoon to JQH arena!”

St. Louis Cardinals celebrate not having to play SGF

Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards weaseled out due to a little rainy weather.

“The way the STL Cards scrambled out of our game you would have thought they were going to play against the Cubs. Y’know they never like playing that team,” said one fan Phil Fukudome, “I wish I could get out of my job when the skies open up”. The weather forecast called for an 80 percent chance of rain and apparently an early morning snow in Springfield that created “problems”, according to the pampered big leaguers. “I wouldn’t want to expose my players to anything less than perfect conditions after being in Jupiter, FL all Spring,” said team skipper, Tony LaRussa.

In return, the big-league club has agreed to play two exhibition games at Hammons Field next season, provided the city can guarantee 70-degree weather.

In the news release, the Cardinals noted that:

* Fans who purchased tickets will receive via mail a voucher entitling them to a St. Louis Cardinals Can’t Take the Weather T-shirt.

* Tickets purchased from the Springfield Cardinals will be transferred into a weather lottery whereby ticket holders will have the option to attend games in St. Louis based on the weather conditions (if the day is dreary, simply transfer your ticket to a sunny day).

* Fans who demand a game between the two squads can play it on Major/Minor League Baseball 2k11 Xbox game.

Local businesses planning to rake in much needed profits were given free tickets to watch the baseball draft next year. “Our big league players are much too valuable to be exposed to inclement weather, no matter how much the local economy depended upon us showing up to swing bats at balls,” said one executive.