Cloud city bus transfer station selected by CU

Springfield, MO – Local City Utility officials have decided that the best option for building a new bus transfer station will be in the sky. Bus Cloud Station 14 will be built by 2014 and will hover above downtown Springfield, directly above the existing bus station.

“It really is a great solution, we don’t have to impose eminent domain and we don’t need to allocate funds to purchase land. The only hurdle we have to cross is the power of levitation. And by 2014 we should have that well in hand,” said one CU board member. The futuristic bus transfer station will be large enough to accommodate CU’s new fleet of hover-bus due to arrive in the next three years.

“We really thought the hover-buses deserved a new land based transfer station, but then we realized, hey they all hover!” said the CU board member. According to sources the bus transfer station is looking to employ a superior race of hawk-men to work and maintain the structure. “Hawk-men have been living their entire lives in the sky, they’d be the best option we are going to explore,” said a release from the CU human resources department. “We’re also seeking the leadership that a Landau Calrissian could bring to our cloud operation,” said the release.

CU plans to pay for the new hover station with a slight increase in gas and electricity over the period of two months. The amount generated should be enough to rent the Super Proton Synchrotron (SPS) tunnel, located at the CERN particle research centre near Geneva to find the elusive anti-gravity molecules necessary for project completion.

Shebly described the holding pattern as boooo-ring

Springfield, MO—A homemade Pipistrel airplane, holding two men, has finally landed now that the Springfield-Branson National Airport has finally reopened. “For Pete’s sake it is a national airport. I didn’t expect it to be shut down for three-four days,” said the pilot, Nick Shelby, upon landing, “you don’t see Regan or O’Hare closing for 10 minutes much less a week at a time!”

The local airport had issued a warning to travelers months in advance and contacted the FAA to redirect any aircraft wishing to make a landing during the 4 day long construction project to resurface the landing strip. “We took great pains to avoid a situation like this. We even made a Facebook group to notify pilots of our upcoming facelift. I’m not sure how this pilot got off track but thank God he had enough fuel for 4 days of a holding pattern while we finished up the runway,” said a spokesperson for the airport.

Shelby said he took off before the Springfield-Branson National Airport closed and was listening to “Fly Like an Eagle” by the Steve Miller Band on his radio headset, which likely distracted him from the tower signing off.

While he was circling over the airport, Shelby said he saw what he believed to be Falcon HTV-2 hypersonic glider land on the strip needing “repair” and was whisked off to a secret hanger location. “It was an arrow-shaped aircraft that launches in a rocket, separates and then glides at hypersonic speeds of 13000 mph, of course the only place it could land would be at an airport that was ‘closed for the week’,” commented Shelby.

Interstate 44 renamed MAYO-44

Springfield, MO—Following the great mayonnaise truck wreck on I-44, city officials have decreed that the stretch of road coated in the thick, creamy substance be renamed Mayo-44 to honor the one-in-a-million miracle whiplash crash.

“Not only did the driver walk away unharmed but the entire interstate was covered in God’s snot, mayonnaise,” said Missouri Highway Patrol Officer Sandy Crust, “It was a hell of a slip n slide for a few hours until we got it cleaned up.”

According to reports, the driver lost control and spilt his load all over the freeway. “I was behind the truck and this creamy thick shit hit my car. I was all ‘what the hell just hit my windshield?’ I was ready to beat some ass, then I saw the packages of Mayo headed for Subway all over the road, and I breathed a sigh of relief,” said Jack Manger of Boliver, MO.

Due to the loss, the FDA has indicated that consumers should expect higher Mayo prices this summer and tensions are looming due to the reported Mayo shortages. Local lard-asses have shown specific concern over the loss and are planning a rescue/recovery operation to suck up any remaining mayonnaise before it is lost.

“I couldn’t have predicted that we’d have 3-6 inches of mayonnaise accumulation on our streets,” said local KDEB meteorologist, Storm Arisin. In a related note, the Springfield Chapter of BLT Lovers Anonymous will be meeting on I-44 this week.

Local Subway workers anticipate serving the pant-less

Springfield, MO—Local participants in the “No Pants Subway Ride Day” had little choice to display their pant-less selves other than at the local Subway restaurant. Scores of Ozarkers showed up to the Subway location at 605 E. Harrison Street to take part in the global annual tradition started by Improv Everywhere in 2002.

“We here in the Ozarks don’t have a transit system that tunnels beneath our city so we had to choose an alternate location – a Subway location that was close to us,” said Hank Morry, the local organizer of the event.

Nudity isn’t an everyday occurrence at Subway restaurants and was in no way an expected feature to regular patrons. “I was sitting in my booth enjoying my sandwich and a several people came in only wearing their undergarments. I thought they were ‘working people’ who had found their way down from the north side, but there were so many I figured I better take my pants off too,” said Gerry Kuliousus, a 56-year old patron of Subway.

Subway offered a “pants-free, free foot long” deal during the event and hundreds of pants-free people took advantage of the deal from noon to 3 p.m. Sunday. To date, the event takes place in over 50 cities around the world.

“I’m just glad that the local Subway owners are willing to participate in this world-wide festival and allow us to show up in our underroos without being arrested. I swear I never thought I could order a foot-long while barely covering up my ding dong in this town,” scoffed Morry.

Showboat Branson Belle succumbs to Branson Triangle

Branson, MO—Saturday night the Showboat Branson Belle fell into the dangerous grip of the Branson Triangle, an area where a number of aircraft and surface vessels allegedly and mysteriously disappear. The Branson Triangle, a region near State Park Marina on Table Rock Lake, was blamed for creating gusts of 45-miles-per-hour and causing a problem with the Belle’s propulsion system.

Captain Rotten Swagger said, “I ne’er dare travel down dem Branson Triangle waters. Dey be dark waters indeed.” Swagger confirmed that the 4:00 cruise of the Branson Belle was off course and encountered some electronic failures leading to the loss of propulsion causing the ship to run “quiet” and wait for a tug boat’s rescue when it was blown into a rocky, ice shoreline.

The 600 stranded passengers and crew were finally unloaded after spending 15 hours on the disabled boat. Louis Gennbrat, a passenger, said, “fortunately we didn’t have to resort to spam and pop-tarts to eat, but we did consider which passengers would be most likely to be eaten first. I think most agreed that Todd Oliver and his dogs were at the top of the list to cannibalize.”

Strange behavior was reported by other passengers; one woman – saved from an suicide attempt by a poor artist – apparently left her snobby fiancé after spending the night dancing in the bowels of the Belle with said pencil-sketch artist.

Due to confusion and a lack of lifeboats, the artist was the only person unaccounted for and considered perished. The Showboat Branson Belle plans to remedy the lifeboat situation in the future by affixing Ride the Ducks vehicles to the side of the ship.

All stranded passengers were offered refunds as well as ironic free tickets to the Titanic Museum attraction in Branson, MO.

Passenger "turns her self around" during airport screening

Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers.

As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents at the Springfield-Branson National Airport (KSGF) will be the first to implement the new procedure in a test pilot program. If all goes well, the new security screenings will be rolled out across the nation.

Passengers at KSGF will be required to pass through metal detectors first putting their left hand in, then taking it out, then putting it back in and shaking it all about. The drill will continue for all major body parts. “The shaking part is very important,” said TSA agent Luke Attem, “if there are any hidden tubes of toothpaste more than 3 oz. in weight, they will be visible or will fall out due to the vigorous dancing.”

TSA Administrator John Pistole said in a statement Sunday afternoon the agency is “constantly evaluating and adapting” security and that procedures are refined “in fact, we considered requiring all passengers to dance the tango with a TSA agent, but that dance was deemed too suggestive so we settled on the Hokey Pokey.”

Travelers have greeted the TSA and their invasive pat-down procedures with rising anger over the past few months. The TSA says it is moving toward Israelification while maintaining tough security and “that’s what it’s all about,” said Pistole.

Nation's First Diverging Diamond Runways

Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as an entirely new way to handle air traffic.

“Is it the most efficient design? No,” Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal said. “Is it safe? Absolutely not. But it’s the first in the nation, and that was what we were going for.”

“It really seems like a horrible idea,” said American Eagle captain David Young, who piloted the first airplane into the airport after the diverging diamond runways opened. “We touched down normally, but just a couple thousand feet down the runway it started curving to the left. We were still going like 100 mph and the tires were squealing and we narrowly avoided hitting a Cessna that had landed the opposite direction and was crossing through the diamond. But hey, it is the first one in the nation, so that’s pretty cool.”

Questions have arisen not only about the safety of the design, but also whether it’s even allowed under federal aviation regulations. If the design is found to be in violation, the city could face multi-million dollar fines.

When shown an illustration of the new runway configuration, FAA Administrator Randy Babbit said “Oh yea we’re totally going to fine them.”

Not content with stopping at road and air, Mayor O’Neal said the city is currently looking at area rivers that they could split and then rejoin into a “Diverging Diamond Confluence.”

Volcanic ash affects Ozarkers' lives, kind of

Springfield, MO—According to reports, Ozarkers have been severely affected by the volcanic eruption in Iceland. Several SGFers have claimed the eruption as a disruption in their daily lives.

“I was a model husband until that volacano erupted, since then I’ve had three mistrissess and my infidelity sees no end,” said Robert Geohorn. “My fried chicken never tasted so bad,” said Holly Kimmer, “since that volcano blew, I’ve had to eat out more because my cooking isn’t what it used to be.”

Doctor Hemmingway Ritzel says that people tend to focus on world events to validate their irresponsible behavior, no matter if a connection exists or not. “Some twisted individuals will lean upon catastrophic events to shield their unruly actions,” said Ritzel.

“Once I heard the volcano erupted in Greenland, I went on a robbery spree because I thought that I had to stock up on goods for the long winter,” said Raul Lopezenthal. When he was informed the volcano was actually in Iceland not Greenland, Lopezenthal said, “no wonder we didn’t get a total blackout of the sun!”

Minor reports of missing homework, tax omissions, driving without a CDL and double parking have been reported due to the ash cloud covering the globe.

Pretty much the only thing nonstop flight passengers will ever see

Branson, MO—Branson Airport has added two new nonstop flights that never stop. Branson AirExpress, operated by ExpressJet Airlines, will operate the nonstop flights May 17^th.

The nonstop flights are a first for the airport which usually operates between destinations. Offering nonstop flights comes with unique requirements such as mid-air refueling and restocking of supplies. The Airport Executive Director said, “we’re proud to offer nonstop flights for passengers who never want to return to Earth.”

Passengers will be aboard the planes until their demise and those who pass while aboard the nonstop flights will have their corpses jettisoned from the aircraft. Passengers will be allowed to book their nonstop flight willingly for themselves or friends and family can pay for tickets for those people they find annoying.

The criminal segment is taking particular interest in the program as an optional life sentence solution. “If I could load up an AirBus full of the most rotten criminals and send them hurdling around the globe, I could free up a lot of jail space,” said Greene County Jail manager Hewie Didit.

“I’d love to travel, I think a nonstop flight will be the best way to see the world!” said a giddy Rebecca Gower, who didn’t fully grasp the concept of never being allowed to exit the plane.

Unknowing Ozarkians are thrust forward into time warp

Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour.

“I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were reporting a time of 8 am, while my wrist watch was showing a time of 7 am. I realized that my digital equipment was likely hijacked by alien beings from space,” said Luke Stiller, a local mule trainer.

Sarah Quid, Another troubled SGFer confessed, “I work an overnight nurse shift at Cox and toward the end of my shift all the clocks jumped from 2:00 am to 3:00 am. I mean everywhere, it was really, like, freaky and stuff. I better get paid for that missing hour, I’m just sayin’…”

Some Springfield residents expressed concern that the younger generation is experiencing a time change. Helen Hopkins, 89, said that all of her electronic clocks, hand-wound clocks and even her sundial are reporting the same time measurements. Mrs. Hopkins owns no digital time tracking devices.

Hopkins believes that the others were not thrown forward into an alien controlled time warp, rather that they had merely experienced the automatic recording of time as “daylight’s savings time” is now observed. Reports show the existence of Daylight saving time, however Hopkins insisted that this was daylight’s savings time as “this is when the days start putting away time for a future need.”