Pumpkin found smashed after hours of torture

Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A young pumpkin who was reported missing yesterday has been found. Oh. Oh God. It says here the pumpkin was found smashed in a million pieces on the sidewalk.

Reports are now streaming in about the crime. Apparently the pumpkin was stolen by the Smith family who live at 1295 Apple Pie Lane. The family of 5 (mother, father, two daughters, and one son) tore the adolescent squash from his family at 3:32 yesterday. The family then drove home as Sally, the youngest, held the pumpkin on her lap: escape was impossible.

Once home… and I warn out young listeners that this next section is very graphic so you may want to turn to another program, possibility “The Lone Ranger Buys A More Convincing Mask”…once home, John Smith, the father of the group, took a knife and sadistically carved into the pumpkin. Then with the children’s help scooped out the entrails.

Then, according to eyewitnesses, the mother took the knife and carved three triangles and a toothy grin into the helpless pumpkin.

In a grotesque climax the family shoved a candle in the mouth of the pumpkin, letting it rest in the stomach of the helpless victim. The eldest daughter light the candle ablaze while the pumpkin could do nothing, but smile. The family then set the pumpkin on the porch as a horrifying trophy for all to see.

This is where the trail goes cold. But, sometime that night a third party, through either an act of mercy or sadistic cruelty, threw the pumpkin upon the hard concrete; the symphony of despair finally over.

The Smiths have been taken into custody with first degree murder and second prize for pumpkin carving at the Halloween block party. Our prayers are with the victim’s hundreds of brothers.

We return now to the music of Duke Westborg and his jazz quartet. Oh and New York has been destroyed by hundreds of Martian tripods.

Before the office party got really weird

Springfield, MO- According to several sources, the office Halloween party at McMerchant Accounting Firm was somewhere between “totally crazy” and “off da hook.” The party goers, mostly accountants and executive assistants, all stated they had a wild time that will never be forgotten.

“I have such a hang over,” stated accountant Wildfred Marksdale. “I took so many shots. And then I totally made out with a girl from the cubicle across from me, then we had this séance and called unspeakable horrors from the neither realm. And then I photocopied my butt. It was awesome.”

Other wild and crazy antics included drunken twister, costume contest, making pacts with the dark lord, truth or date, somehow contracting a zombie like plague, eating way to much candy, and eating way to much human flesh.

“I was totally doing this upside down beer bong while pledging my soul to Lucifer and Saunders from the annex took a huge chunk out of my thigh with his already rotting teeth. So I popped him one. I never punched a man before. It was awesome,” states Mary Stargrant, a 67-year-old secretary.

Around 3:33 things got really crazy. A coven of witches, a pack of werewolves, and a stagger of frat boys joined the party. The group gorged themselves on man flesh, gave potions to numerous guest, and left. The witches and werewolves were also there, but were perfect guests.

“I know we all have some regrets,” said manager Grant Maxpert, “But, this is nothing compared to the Christmas Party. After last years’ I needed 9-months of therapy. Oh crap. Here come the flashbacks again. NO! NOOOO!!!!!!”

Locals are itching to get inside of Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her forearms while shaking her hands and leg, “I just can’t wait! I heard they have an awesome pizza and even an area where you smell aromas that instantly cease any hunger pangs.”

Hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk hours before the new Hy-Vee store opened its doors, eagerly waiting to cure their case of curiosity. “I’ve had Poison Hy-Vee since they broke ground. I used to go to Hy-Vee up north and I’ve missed the chain that I grew up with,” said Matt Lippard who upon entering the store stared at the aisles in fond remembrance, gently griping his grocery cart handle as drool ran down his chin.

Doctors recommend visiting the store if you exhibit any symptoms of “Poison Hy-Vee” to sooth and treat the discomfort. “Poison Hy-Vee or dermatitis – hy-veeticus is a commonly spread inflammation resulting from direct or indirect contact with others who are infected with anticipation. The rash usually will appear 24-48 hours after hearing the wonderful grocery stories. The only known cure is to actually visit the store, and allow its healing powers wash away the irritation,” said Doctor Yuli Mangrove.

“I got covered with it and had to go to Hy-Vee to scratch the itch! Now I’m cured, but I have the scars of a wonderful shopping experience to carry with me all of my life,” said Lippard.

Local man prepares for Gun Show audition

Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population.

“You ladies have tickets?” asked club owner Shiver Metimbers to a group of women, “to the Gun Show!??” while pulling back his right sleeve, flexing his muscles, and pointing with his left hand. The women immediately purchased tickets to ensure that he quit asking them the question.

“It’s going to be a fantastic event,” said Metimbers, “we even got the huge billboard colored pink like our building. See? Genius. We color coordinated everything!” Pony Club will hold auditions Oct. 20 & 21 for men who wish to show off their guns.

Regulations state that the men will be required to wear nipple tassels even if they choose to not remove their shirt, “just in case, you never know what happens on stage. We want this to be a true Ozark man celebration. Sure we could bring in the Chippendales, but they’re not real men. We want the true masculine spirit of Southwest Missouri onstage showing how we make this area of the country great,” said Metimbers.

Hopefuls should prepare a 1-minute routine to “Smokin in the Boys Room” and include several muscular poses, including but not limited to The Front Double Biceps, The Crab and The Rear Double Biceps. Flexing and posing is the only requirement, actual muscle mass is not required.

Goldfish paid for with real gold

Springfield, MO – After winning the National Gerber Baby contest, eleven month old Nate Stuffington has blown through his winning prize money in a matter of days. Blinged out binkies, gold-lined diapers, and radical plastic surgery has consumed the less-than-yearlings’ earnings.
According to sources, he even purchased his parents a vacation home in Aspen, CO with year-round ski lift passes and private ski tutors. Said Stuffington, “Yamma, la go-go, li hi! Mama, Dada. Hiii-laaa!” Which loosely translated means “I’m rich! Gimme some Go-Gurt and don’t tell Mom or Dad, boy-eee!”

Nate paid for surgical procedures at three clinics for men who wanted to more resemble the new Gerber face and even donated $10,000 to local tattoo shop Little Tattoo for fans to have his face inked on their bodies. “We’ve had a lot of requests for Baby Nate since he won. Fortunately, thanks to Nate generosity, those who couldn’t afford his likeness tatted on their necks can now have themselves inked forever with his likeness,” said one ink artist.

This just in…It seems that Nate has not spend the entire winnings frivolously but has invested a considerable amount according to E*Trade baby advice.

“We were surprised by his enthusiasm when we won, actually we had no idea he knew how to budget finances. Apparently we thought all the money was used by Nate on frivolous endeavors but he actually invested most of the money in Chinese gold so we’re ahead 1.5M with the current currency exchange rates,” claimed his happy-go-lucky parents.

Nate was last seen hanging with Lady Gaga advising her on new ways to reach the pre-toddler crowd with neon diaper covers trimmed with studded dog collars.

Pile of 3000 teeth waiting to be used

Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range from the absurd to the grotesque, to the perfectly sensible and back to grotesque.

Ideas include; a fun ball pit filled with teeth; giving to wedding patrons to throw instead of rice; give it to tiny scrimshaw artists, and create a tooth powered car/speed boat.

“The debate got pretty heated, says Dr. Eugene Forester. “Of course we had to give the tooth fairy his cut. We don’t want to go against the family. My vote? Foxy tooth wrestling. It’s like mud wrestling, but with teeth instead of mud. And with glasses-wearing, tightly-wound, dentist assistants wearing nothing but lab coats.”

The teeth are now being stored in a Scrooge McDuck-like tower where the dentist have fun diving in, spitting teeth at each like it is water, and relaxing on an inner tube.

“We don’t know what we are going to do with it, but it will be awesome. I mean that’s why we did this whole thing in the first place,” states Forester.

The final decision will be made by the high council of dental elders: a super-secret syndicate of the best dentist from around the Ozarks, which means your 10 o’clock teeth cleaning appointment will be 15 minutes late.

Mayor O'Neal with his Grillz

Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them.

Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of receiving the free oral jewelry, hosted by the Missouri Grillz Mission charity.

“We were surprised by the turnout — it ensures, rather guarantees that a person has more money than brains,” said, Tom Yankers, co-chair of the Missouri Grillz Mission.

“This program shows that if provided freely, any dreadful fashion – save fanny packs – will be embraced by the people who need it least,” said Dr. Newton Figgery, an opponent of such conspicuous spending.

The Grillz program was meant to show that one doesn’t have to be excessively wealthy to afford to put diamonds on their chicklets. “Gangsta dentures, expensive braces and metal mouthpieces should not only be made available to rich people. Everyone should have the right to wear gold, silver, diamond, and platinum between their gums,” said Rachel Norrisonvilleshire who had her teeth did at the event.

“Grillz are the ultimate sign of wealth and power, that’s why I got mine done, that’s a powerful image!” said Mayor Jim O’Neal.

Explosive savings at Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their roof.