Pumpkin found smashed after hours of torture

Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A young pumpkin who was reported missing yesterday has been found. Oh. Oh God. It says here the pumpkin was found smashed in a million pieces on the sidewalk.

Reports are now streaming in about the crime. Apparently the pumpkin was stolen by the Smith family who live at 1295 Apple Pie Lane. The family of 5 (mother, father, two daughters, and one son) tore the adolescent squash from his family at 3:32 yesterday. The family then drove home as Sally, the youngest, held the pumpkin on her lap: escape was impossible.

Once home… and I warn out young listeners that this next section is very graphic so you may want to turn to another program, possibility “The Lone Ranger Buys A More Convincing Mask”…once home, John Smith, the father of the group, took a knife and sadistically carved into the pumpkin. Then with the children’s help scooped out the entrails.

Then, according to eyewitnesses, the mother took the knife and carved three triangles and a toothy grin into the helpless pumpkin.

In a grotesque climax the family shoved a candle in the mouth of the pumpkin, letting it rest in the stomach of the helpless victim. The eldest daughter light the candle ablaze while the pumpkin could do nothing, but smile. The family then set the pumpkin on the porch as a horrifying trophy for all to see.

This is where the trail goes cold. But, sometime that night a third party, through either an act of mercy or sadistic cruelty, threw the pumpkin upon the hard concrete; the symphony of despair finally over.

The Smiths have been taken into custody with first degree murder and second prize for pumpkin carving at the Halloween block party. Our prayers are with the victim’s hundreds of brothers.

We return now to the music of Duke Westborg and his jazz quartet. Oh and New York has been destroyed by hundreds of Martian tripods.

Locals are itching to get inside of Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations.
“Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her forearms while shaking her hands and leg, “I just can’t wait! I heard they have an awesome pizza and even an area where you smell aromas that instantly cease any hunger pangs.”

Hundreds of people crowded the sidewalk hours before the new Hy-Vee store opened its doors, eagerly waiting to cure their case of curiosity. “I’ve had Poison Hy-Vee since they broke ground. I used to go to Hy-Vee up north and I’ve missed the chain that I grew up with,” said Matt Lippard who upon entering the store stared at the aisles in fond remembrance, gently griping his grocery cart handle as drool ran down his chin.

Doctors recommend visiting the store if you exhibit any symptoms of “Poison Hy-Vee” to sooth and treat the discomfort. “Poison Hy-Vee or dermatitis – hy-veeticus is a commonly spread inflammation resulting from direct or indirect contact with others who are infected with anticipation. The rash usually will appear 24-48 hours after hearing the wonderful grocery stories. The only known cure is to actually visit the store, and allow its healing powers wash away the irritation,” said Doctor Yuli Mangrove.

“I got covered with it and had to go to Hy-Vee to scratch the itch! Now I’m cured, but I have the scars of a wonderful shopping experience to carry with me all of my life,” said Lippard.

Goldfish paid for with real gold

Springfield, MO – After winning the National Gerber Baby contest, eleven month old Nate Stuffington has blown through his winning prize money in a matter of days. Blinged out binkies, gold-lined diapers, and radical plastic surgery has consumed the less-than-yearlings’ earnings.
According to sources, he even purchased his parents a vacation home in Aspen, CO with year-round ski lift passes and private ski tutors. Said Stuffington, “Yamma, la go-go, li hi! Mama, Dada. Hiii-laaa!” Which loosely translated means “I’m rich! Gimme some Go-Gurt and don’t tell Mom or Dad, boy-eee!”

Nate paid for surgical procedures at three clinics for men who wanted to more resemble the new Gerber face and even donated $10,000 to local tattoo shop Little Tattoo for fans to have his face inked on their bodies. “We’ve had a lot of requests for Baby Nate since he won. Fortunately, thanks to Nate generosity, those who couldn’t afford his likeness tatted on their necks can now have themselves inked forever with his likeness,” said one ink artist.

This just in…It seems that Nate has not spend the entire winnings frivolously but has invested a considerable amount according to E*Trade baby advice.

“We were surprised by his enthusiasm when we won, actually we had no idea he knew how to budget finances. Apparently we thought all the money was used by Nate on frivolous endeavors but he actually invested most of the money in Chinese gold so we’re ahead 1.5M with the current currency exchange rates,” claimed his happy-go-lucky parents.

Nate was last seen hanging with Lady Gaga advising her on new ways to reach the pre-toddler crowd with neon diaper covers trimmed with studded dog collars.

Explosive savings at Hy-Vee

Springfield, MO- With the Hy-Vee grocery store opening across the street, Dillons Super Store is nervous about the competition and being blown out of existence by a giant rooftop mounted artillery cannon. Hy-Vee is an upscale grocery store lauded for their customer service and unique specialty foods. Also they have a cannon on their roof.

SGF Cheddar's location swirls evil feelings via fans to create its famous cookie monster dessert

Springfield, MO—A local family seeking a comfortable lunch was thrust into a nightmare dining hell this Sunday while attempting to dine casually at Cheddar’s. “I really was looking forward to having a nice lunch with the in-laws to cap off the weekend. I had no idea that it would be the most memorable dining experience I’ve ever had – it was completely awful!” said one of the party.

According to their website, Cheddar’s goal is “to be a great restaurant that serves quality food fresh from the kitchen in a friendly, comfortable atmosphere at a fair price.” However, the Springfield location may have misunderstood the simple mantra and seeks only to “be a great place of torture and mental anguish by exposing families with babies and grandparents to unbearable wait times, snobby and aloof hostesses, menu items with missing ingredients and a kitchen that pushes out salads, apps, kid’s meals and entrees at the same time.”

One family member horribly scarred from the dining experience said, “that Cheddar’s is one-of-a-kind. You can’t go just anywhere and be glared at by 5 hostesses huddled around a podium. Those poor girls likely were angry at us because they couldn’t figure out how to pull together two tables. So sad, but it is a dining event I won’t soon forget!”

The family reported that once their meals arrived, it was much easier to chew having grinded their teeth for an hour watching scores of diners be sat before them. “Yes, we had to wait a long time, but g-ma got lots of reading done. Fortunately when we mentioned our wait time to the general manager at Cheddar’s he half-heartedly comp’d our meal. Which gave us some bit of relief, which was quickly ripped away when our waitress came back weeping with the bill. Apparently the Cheddar’s staff told her she was a bad server. I guess it is easier to incorrectly blame one innocent person than the horde of idiots seating people.”

Mobile taco whore

Springfield, MO—The mobile Mexican merchant located on Sunshine street has recently confessed to being “a grille who gets around a lot”. Coming as no surprise local patrons to the whore de taco said, “yeah I mean I know a  lot of people who put their dirty mouths on their tacos.”

According to the Greene County Health Board, “it is called the ‘traveling taco’ for a reason,  that place gets around if you know what I mean.”

Local head shops have assigned a different meaning to the Traveling Taco insisting that one can buy some awesome weed, “Yo, we going travelin’ this weekend? Hows about we assign someone to get some ‘tacos’ at the ‘travelin’ ‘taco’?” said one Deadhead while making finger quotes.

More to the point, the Traveling Taco has lived up to its heritage of fancy ladies parading across the plains entertainting folk along the way, be it homestead women or ranchin’ men. “Everytime I come to town, I just have to stop by the Traveling Taco for a bite,” said Richard Newman a  farmer out of Iowa.

Traveling Taco ownership states that, “we truly weren’t considering naming our business after a prostitute who roams the land searching for her next john or trick. We are the taco that moves around. I mean we are the corn tortilla that shifts to meet people’s needs…y’know what we are! Just swing by and hand over your money for some instant gratifaction….why are you doing this to me!?”

New wedge shaped foods and dairy disks introduced

Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes.

“I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to eat strangely shaped foods in weird colors! I expect this to be a precursor to food pills that we will eat in the very near future,” said Shad Nebbeggar of Boliver, MO.

Local diners are eagerly anticipating the Trivial Pursuit-style foods that will be inserted into their new dining bowls. Restaurant owners aren’t so excited. “I have to order hundreds of new plates just to serve these new foods. According to the graphic all of these shape foods can be consumed with a fork, no knife or spoon is necessary so I think I’m okay in the utensil department,” said one back of house manager.

Some were not that excited, “I mean it is cool, but how long until we get a new graphic? I’m going to get tired of eating red fruits, green veggies, orange grains and purple proteins after a while…no, I guess I won’t I’ve been eating Lucky Charms for 30 years so I should be okay for a while,” said Lucy Doren, a mom of 2 in Ozark, MO.

Major food manufacturers are bearing most of the load as they will be expected to dye and form their foods to meet the new standards revealed by first lady Michelle Obama. Most Springfieldians were a bit surprised to see that no fats, fast foods or sodas were included on the new Food Plate. “I’m going to starve!” exclaimed Greg Yulim, a sophomore at Missouri State University.

Man keepin’ Branson real…old

Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” (people born before the 50’s) are strictly forbidden to go to many shows because of their “cock of the walk attitude” and “new fangled cell phone thingys”. But, some of the whippersnappers made it through their defenses.

“We sent three 40 year olds to see what restaurant would serve them,” said Gerald P. Fansworth between cussing at the local golf course. “Many restaurant sent them packing through the usual means: waving their canes, threatening to keep their Frisbees, and taking back their offer of the promise of hard candies. But, some of those hipsters punks slipped through.”

The usual ways of detecting non-seniors are usually 100% effective. They include trying to start causal conversations about Nixon and noting how long the turn signal was on before turning into the parking lot. Also any person eating dinner after 3:30 of course is seen as a minor.

“I can’t believe so many restaurants let those rug rats in. When I go to Branson I want to have a pleasant dinner at 3, have coffee at 5, and bed by 6. And when I have a wild, crazy night like that I don’t want any of those kiddos cramping by style,” stated Cornelius Q. Grumpton.

The leadership of Branson, the local Elks Lodge 502, issued this statement from their press conference held in a sauna: We are saddened for this news. Branson is a haven for those tired of dealing with those t-shirt wearing, iPOD having, Bravo watching, young people. We gave them a deal: we let them have that Branson Landing with its fancy ice cream and olive painting stores. And then they stay the hell out of real Branson. Next time we see them we will spank them on site.

Alco-Haul "Prohibition style"

Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the rounds.

“Yeah, if booze and tobacco were outlawed, we could charge a heck of a lot more for our delivery service, plus we could ride in a souped up 1933 Dodge sedan with rotating license plates and bullet proof windows. That’d be awesome!” said one employee.

Not content to glorify the rough-shot vigors of criminal pasts, Alco-Haul is merely looking for a way to spice up the mediocre trek to homes seeking an additional boost to their celebration, be it beer, wine, spirits, snacks or tobacco among other items on their menu.

“Driving at high speeds aside, think of the cool clothing we could wear; nice suits, short ties, fedoras, and smoking stogies as we raced around the town delivering to secret saloons and speakeasies—all the while avoiding the man,” pontificated one Alco-Haul driver.

Management has been provided with other options to make the job more exciting, however, they are adamantly opposed to breaking any current laws which makes such ventures as Metho-Haul, Illegal Cable-Haul, and Tax Evasio-Haul strictly off limits to the ownership group. “Our focus is to limit drinking and driving, so to take on an illegal activity such as Marijuana-Haul would go against our morals. But a guy can dream of delivering moonshine, keeping one step ahead of the Feds while sitting in traffic on Campbell Avenue at rush hour,” said one team member.

Ozark man celebrates Cinco de Mayonnaise by drinking too much mayo

Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Hershaw and Netmeg invited several people over to their duplex on 4^th street to “have a killed Mayo party, y’know the kind you’d see on the Food Network” according to their invitees.

The two men’s friends didn’t have the heard to tell them the truth about the original meaning behind Cinco de Mayo. Neil Hollister said, “it was too funny, these idiots thought that it was a day to celebrate a stable emulsion of oil, egg yolk and either vinegar or lemon juice! So we just watched them eat mouthloads of mayo and encouraged them by screaming ‘Happy Cinco de Mayo’!”

Hershaw said, “Oh man, this mayo is sooo good, no wonder they named a day after it!” Hershaw was said to have enjoyed a big bag of Lays potato chips with an entire jar of mayonnaise used for dipping.

Said Netmeg between swallows of mayonnaise from a mason jar, “I can’t wait until we have a Mircale Whip day. Couldn’t that be done around Easter? I love Miracles!”