Pile of 3000 teeth waiting to be used

Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range from the absurd to the grotesque, to the perfectly sensible and back to grotesque.

Ideas include; a fun ball pit filled with teeth; giving to wedding patrons to throw instead of rice; give it to tiny scrimshaw artists, and create a tooth powered car/speed boat.

“The debate got pretty heated, says Dr. Eugene Forester. “Of course we had to give the tooth fairy his cut. We don’t want to go against the family. My vote? Foxy tooth wrestling. It’s like mud wrestling, but with teeth instead of mud. And with glasses-wearing, tightly-wound, dentist assistants wearing nothing but lab coats.”

The teeth are now being stored in a Scrooge McDuck-like tower where the dentist have fun diving in, spitting teeth at each like it is water, and relaxing on an inner tube.

“We don’t know what we are going to do with it, but it will be awesome. I mean that’s why we did this whole thing in the first place,” states Forester.

The final decision will be made by the high council of dental elders: a super-secret syndicate of the best dentist from around the Ozarks, which means your 10 o’clock teeth cleaning appointment will be 15 minutes late.

Mayor O'Neal with his Grillz

Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them.

Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of receiving the free oral jewelry, hosted by the Missouri Grillz Mission charity.

“We were surprised by the turnout — it ensures, rather guarantees that a person has more money than brains,” said, Tom Yankers, co-chair of the Missouri Grillz Mission.

“This program shows that if provided freely, any dreadful fashion – save fanny packs – will be embraced by the people who need it least,” said Dr. Newton Figgery, an opponent of such conspicuous spending.

The Grillz program was meant to show that one doesn’t have to be excessively wealthy to afford to put diamonds on their chicklets. “Gangsta dentures, expensive braces and metal mouthpieces should not only be made available to rich people. Everyone should have the right to wear gold, silver, diamond, and platinum between their gums,” said Rachel Norrisonvilleshire who had her teeth did at the event.

“Grillz are the ultimate sign of wealth and power, that’s why I got mine done, that’s a powerful image!” said Mayor Jim O’Neal.

Man takes it to the hole against the Poopshooters

Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head.  Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message.

Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play on words. He believes that it will raise awareness about their chosen profession while reminding people about the importance of a healthy colon.

“When I play defense, I’m not only schooling my opponents by rejecting shots, I’m schooling them on how to reject colorectal cancer through routine rectal examinations,” said Schuler. “When we’re on the court, opponents tell us that an exam can be too embarrassing. Well it can’t be half as embarrassing as getting beaten by my shake and bake crossover!”

Although some league members think that the name “The Poopshooters” is distasteful, Y.M.C.A. officials say that it’s no worse than previous teams, sighting the Dunkin Donuts “Dunking Donuts”, Ms. Betty’s Defensive Driving School “Women Drivers”, and the Men’s Overactive Bladder Support Group “Double Dribblers”.

“Through our team play, we want people to realize that colon health is an important team player in overall health,” said Schuler.  “Our team motto is simple.  We’ll take anyone to the hole that won’t take us to theirs.”

These guys approve!

Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News.  When the patient is called, blood pressure readings are immediately taken along with other stress related vital statistics. The patient is then required to wait in the exam room for another 5-10 minutes, for the effects to abate, before the doctor sees them.

“When we were told by the American Medical Association that we could show non-stop Fox News in our waiting rooms, we jumped at the opportunity…to be a part of this study,” said a doctor at Ferrell-Duncan Clinic. “After all, it is our duty to advance medical science any time we have the opportunity.”

This particular study has been running for more than ten years now and experts believe that it could continue far into the future to explore more long-term effects as well.  Although some doctors have opted not to participate, the vast majority of the Springfield medical community has volunteered, including primary doctors, dentists, and podiatrists. Other businesses have shown interest in participating as well, including local banks and Wal-marts.

“Our goal is to exploit any waiting areas with a captive audience,” said a local AMA representative.  “We firmly believe that by exposing more people to Fox News Channel we will ultimately benefit ourselves…the science I mean.”

Young couple ties the knot so they can do it

Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each other.

“We’ve been dating for nearly one tenth of our lives,” said Cassidy, “when it’s that big of a fraction you know you’ve met the person you are supposed to have sex with.”

The two are both attending college and plan to graduate as soon as they can. “Our parents wanted us to wait to get married until after we graduated, but sometimes you’ve got to get your priorities straight,” said Jordan. Jordan is a psychology major, and when asked, Cassidy said she has just been focusing on getting her “M.R.S. degree,” then giggled, and then said that she’s undeclared.

“My dad said he knew he was ready to marry my mom when he couldn’t ever stop thinking about her, or wanting to be with her,” said Jordan. “And I could relate: I couldn’t stop thinking about wanting to have sex with Cassidy.”

“Also, I really, really like her. Like, a lot,” added Jordan.

The couple appears to be doing great so far. They reported that they are having a great time living together, and they are still learning new things about each other every day.

“I’m a very lucky man,” said Jordan. “I’m married to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever dated, and now that we are married, I’m sure we’ll never stop having sex.”

Man pulls hair out due to nic fit

Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!”

Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first night of the non-smoking ban. The ban, restricts smoking in public places including restaurants, bars and public buildings.

“After seeing my friends experience their nicotine withdrawal, I can’t really fathom going into work tomorrow and being in the same work space with the smokers in our company. They are going to pissed off at everything,” said Laurie Umbada, who works at a Lebanese coffee shop.

The entire smoking population inside the city limits will be completely quitterpated, exhibiting disharmony, crankiness, snackiness and other withdrawal symptoms associated with quitting smoking.

Julie Hewleson said, “I was meeting my grandma downtown for lunch, when I met her she said ‘Back off bitch, I’m gonna find a quite place to bullywoof my smoke in peace.’ I was so entertained.”

Most smokers who were too weak to deal with the new law didn’t even appreciate the clean air they were enjoying.

New sponsors vie for Sucker Day naming rights

Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health.  The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes.  Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health as our sponsor, and we know Cox Sucker Days will be our most successful ever.”

The coming events at Cox Sucker Days this year will include a special appearance by Pee Wee Herman and the Popsicle Twins, as seen on The Gong Show, performing the acts that made them famous.  A booth will be set up by Backpage.com to point interested parties to suckers all over Southwest Missouri.  Volunteers will be providing heart-healthy tips for enjoying suckers.

Mike Danwyik stated, “We like to be involved in our community, and Cox Sucker Days is no exception.  We are proud to be associated with such a heart healthy event.  Come one, come all to Cox Sucker Days!”

Attendance at this past weekend’s event was so high sponsors immediately began lining up to participate in next year’s event. Potential sponsors included national brands such as Dick’s Sporting Goods, Hummer Trucks, and DSL, all vied for the top billing before Cox Sucker Days was officially announced.

Jesus laughing at own shadow, ushering in rapture

Springfield, MO–As reported by KY3 news, Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping has the nation on edge as he has predicted that “Judgment Day” will occur on May 21, 2011. However, a local evangelist has a different twist on the matter.

Moe Lester is a deacon at the First Reformed Second Baptist Lutheran Church in Springfield. He claims Camping has the date right but is missing an important piece of the equation for what Judgment Day really is.

“Just because that is the day Jesus is coming, it doesn’t mean he will necessarily bring an end to the world that day. It all depends on if Jesus sees his shadow or not on Judgment Day. Sort of like Groundhog Day but more of a holy Groundhog Day.”

Lester claims he received this revelation when he flew from Branson Airport to visit Punxsutawney Phil this year during the famous Groundhog Day celebration in Pennsylvania.  “I had been standing there all day drinking rum and cider to keep warm and finally the little critter came out. Just before he saw his shadow he stood up and stared at me right in the eyes and told me if Jesus saw his shadow on May 21, 2011 then that would mean 6 more years of the world as it is. I don’t really remember the rest of the day. Not sure if it was the rum or my brain was in shock from such a holy event.”

The last prediction was on May21, 2005. “Obviously Jesus saw his shadow then.” states Lester “Fortunately for us the Lord keeps coming with the sun behind his back. Let’s hope Judgment Day doesn’t coincide with the next lunar eclipse.”

4 out of 5 possessed doctors agree everything is "normal"

Springfield, MO- Hospital Administrators and staff assured the public yesterday that even though the west wing of St. John’s Hospital has been quarantined, it is for totally non-horrifying reasons. They also assured Springfield citizens that the quarantine has nothing to do with: terrifying prophecies, unspeakable evil, the ancient demon-god Hhadarsh-Um, Hell on Earth, or the inky darkness of man‘s soul.

“This is a perfectly normal quarantine,” states hospital administrator Carl Sandberg. “The horrifying screams, the seemingly bleeding walls, the reversal of gravity in some rooms are all pretty standard when it comes to quarantine. This is simply a precaution.” Sandberg’s eyes then turned pitch black as he levitated two feet from the ground and eerily floated back to the west wing.

The events started two days ago when area man Peter Grant was found twitching in the middle of the woods near Ghostman’s Grove, a location known for it’s strange occurrences and occult past. Peters was then taken to Urgent Care, then quickly to St. Johns.

“Oh, the Urgent Care? We had to have 12 priest burn that to that ground and then douse the site with holy water because of the…termites…yeah termites, that’s the ticket.,” Doctor Faust, an employee of Urgent Care, told FCN. “And I don’t know where you heard about all the face meltings…that is crazy…oh you never mentioned face meltings…well never mind…that‘s crazy,” Faust also stated.

Once Grant was admitted to St. John’s Hospital many strange happens occurred such as: power outages; doctors and nurses huddled in the corner as they repeated “Semoc Eno Krad Eht” constantly; whispers being heard in empty hallways; and patients opening their mirrored bathroom cabinets, getting their pills, then seeing terrifying creatures behind them when they close their mirrored bathroom cabinets, but see nothing when they turn around.

“As you can see there is nothing to worry about“, states Rev. Stanely Garrets. “The military, SWAT team, and religious leaders all come together time to time, during these things all the time. You know to just…talk…about stuff. And all the talk about walking corpses is preposterous. I am sure this is something to do with the bird flu or something.”

Coke dealer surprised at uprising

Springfield MO.-    The recent arrest of area cocaine dealers has gain support from an unlikely source.  Nick Wethead, president of the Ozarks Meth Men has proposed that profiling be encouraged to rid the town of anyone that has the possibility of using cocaine instead of locally produced meth.

“There is meth to our madness.”, commented Wethead.  “First of all cocaine has to come from outside this country.  That alone means another American habit is lost to foreigners.  We have the best cold medicine, lawn fertilizer and drain cleaner made right here in this country.  When all of that is cooked properly, we can stay awake with any coke head out there.”

If you do not know if someone might use cocaine, there are a few sure fire signs to look for.  According to Wethead if you see the following signs be sure and contact your local DEA official.

1. CLOTHING-  All cocaine users have new clothes.  Users wear designer or name brand clothing.  The clothes are also clean with no rips or holes in them.
2. EMPLOYMENT-  All cocaine users have jobs.  It doesn’t matter if they are white or blue collar jobs.  The jobs must pay at least $90,000. a year.
3. VEHICLES-  All cocaine users have cars.  These are always late model or foreign made cars.  These cars are driven without dents or scratches.
4. RESIDENCE-  All cocaine users have a house.  The more expensive, the more likely it belongs to a cocaine user.  Coke heads are never seen in a trailer or an abandoned house in the country.
5. MONEY-  All cocaine users have money.  Cocaine users buy things.  They do not steal to support their habit.  If you see someone at the store using cash or a credit card, that person is probably a cocaine user.
6. PERSONAL HYGIENE-  All cocaine users shower everyday and are well groomed.  Also look at teeth.  If someone has all of their teeth, they are most likely a cocaine user.

Wethead had the following afterthoughts.  “If we don’t get involved labeling people that might use cocaine, the title of Missouri being the nations number one producer of meth will be gone.  Once that is gone we will never get it back.  I hope people remember this.”