Teams of improvisers are lined up to entertain

Springfield, MO— This summer promises to be the most improvisationally-filled sidewalk summer in history as road signs indicate that teams of improv players will be taking to the sidewalks on Glenstone avenue soon.

“Ah, yeah I saw the signs for sidewalk improv and I was all like stoked for the hilarity on my walk to work. I can’t wait for the sidewalk improv to start,” said Thad Thumberland who works as a part-time mattress salesman who might someday become an actor.

Scores of sidewalk walkers are thrilled at the proposal. “I’m glad that the city has decided to hire professional performers to entertain us on our jaunts to work,” said Rachel Hatch. According to sources, teams of improv actors from various theatre groups will be providing players for the cause.

“We’ve contracted with the Improvadors and Skinny Improv to have their most brilliant talent on our city sidewalks to help our citizens enjoy life here in Springfield,” said one City spokesperson. “If we can help improve the people’s attitude by giving them something that entertains on the most basic of levels well we feel as if we are doing our job.”

The sidewalk improv is forecasted to occur over several weeks according to MoDOT signs. In fact, the improv players are preparing for a several months-long performance. Said one player, “Yeah it is a great opportunity but I’m not looking forward to getting suggestions from drivers on Glenstone going 45 miles per hour. I don’t think their head will be totally into the scene.”

Botanist burnsout before heading to Bike to Work week

Springfield, MO—Local Harley enthusiast Lloyd “Mangus” Hamiltons was especially excited to learn that May 16-20 was Bike to Work week in Springfield, his newly acquired hog was “due for a good commuting test”.

Mangus, a local botanist at Mark Twain National Forrest, said, “I was totally afraid that the carbon emissions that my hog emitted would be bad for the natural environment that I work in every day, but hey if the City is going to endorse Bike to Work, well I’m more than happy to oblige.”

Previous to learning about Bike to Work week, Mangus would car pool with other co-workers in an effort to save money on gasoline, minimize oil consumption and reduce his carbon footprint. “This week, I’m kickin’ 10 mpg on my green gas guzzler! Yee-haw,” screamed Mangus as he kick-started his ride and burned his non-eco friendly tires on the street releasing toxic gases into the atmosphere that he has fought so hard to protect.

“After walking the line, telling people to recycle, watch their water consumption and take care of Mother Nature for 20 years, it feels good to cut loose for one week,” said Ari Nutrilla, an Earth friendly professor who teaches the class “Give Back to Mother Nature, then Take a Little More.”

Mangus plans to ride his Harley down the trails he perfected last spring through the Mark Twain National Forrest, however, he’s looking forward to spending some time at an upcoming company getaway at Busiek State Park this Friday. “Hell, I’ve been ready to ride those trails for some time now. Used to be on my mountain bike, but not since this is a work event, I’ll be easy riding right down the paths!”

Hot Wheels hopes for loop and jump addition to highway

Springfield, MO—Hot Wheels, a Mattel brand, will sponsor the grand opening of the flyover ramp this weekend at the Highway 60/65 interchange. The sponsorship is part of an effort to add a sweet gravity performance loop and jump section to the highway for local residents to enjoy.

“The people at Hot Wheels were gracious enough to pay to sponsor this event. We are trying really hard to not be influenced by their lobbyist efforts, but admit that a loop and jump track to the highway would be really cool. We haven’t ruled it out we just need more time to understand how to do it properly,” said MoDOT representative Luke Duke.

Local motorists will be polled as they drive the new flyover by a man wearing a “honk if you like loop-d-loops” sign. Audible honks will be recorded and compiled by a third party agency for verification purposes.

“We are the first community to implement the Diverging Diamond, I don’t know why we wouldn’t go for a full gravity performance highway track by being the first to add a loop and jump thoroughfare to our highway system,” said Ozark native, Uncle Jesse.

MoDOT representatives have been rumored to be hard at work trying to figure out how to implement such a design. Reports suggest they have been studying loop and jump construction by immersing themselves in Excite Bike. “There is a cool build your own track feature, we’re learning a lot already,” said Duke.

Gravity clamps would be provided to drivers if the loop and jump addition is approved. Future plans include tracks that allow drivers to “battle large gorillas, smash a spider or go out of control and smash your cars!”

Another Bunghole removed from city streets

Springfield, MO—According to John Millerstone, Springfield motorists have been tasked with reporting bungholes to the city to aid in the clean up of the Bunghole Patrol. “Yeah, I just heard it on the radio. They need help cleaning up the city streets and getting rid of all the bungholes in our community,” said Millerstone, “I think that is long overdue.”

Apparently, having thousands of drivers reporting bungholes is much more effective that relying on the few members of the Bunghole Patrol. “It is a problem that I would like to see addressed in my neighborhood, there’s always some bunghole in the streets” said Rosie Conan, a longtime Springfield resident.

Reportedly, Millerstone heard that the public works department says that troublesome bungholes have been plaguing the city since the ice and snow have started melting.  He pontificated, “That makes sense that the bungholes would come out now that the weather is nicer.” The number of bungholes on city streets is unknown, yet some bungholes will be easier to address than others.

Dr. Harmony Gillsteen, a behavioral psychologist, says that the city’s bungholes are signs of deeper problems caused by social erosion and lack of father figures in the lives of our youth. “Usually minor bungholes are addressed with temporary fixes; major bungholes are introduced to longer-lasting repairs over the span of their existence,” said Dr. Gillsteen.

Motorist have been hitting bungholes daily says Millerstone, and some drivers even stop after hitting a few bungholes to check for damage to their vehicles. “I heard that the city has more issues than just your average bunghole, but we need to rehabilitate the area,” says Millerstone.

To report an itchy banjo, or bunghole to the city, Millerstone says you call the Bunghole hotline at 864-1966. To fill out a service request form at any time online, click on the “Bunghole?” graphic on the left column of the city’s homepage at www.springfieldmo.gov.

Season's Greetings shared during Holiday Traffic

Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf hate by the knuckle-headed drivers clogging the thoroughfares.

Mick Roseycheeks sobbed, “I was ready to go out and buy my wife a nice gift, she’s done so much for me over the past year after I lost my job and gained 50 pounds. But, I couldn’t take the damn traffic, I…I went crazy, started cutting people off and riding their tails like the Lone Ranger on Silver. I finally cracked and had to get out. I got her a 6-pack of 5-hour energy at the convenience store on my way home.”

Numerous holiday drivers were seen passing illegally on shoulders, stealing parking spots and purposefully riding their brakes to annoy the drivers behind them. “Some nasty ass honkey right in front of me actually stopped at a yellow light after we had been waiting for 8 miutes. Who does that in this traffic!? Go! Go! Go!” said Roseycheeks.

The loss of the holiday spirit seems to have translated to shopping as well. At least 12 fistfights were reported at local businesses including Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us and Gordman’s among others. Motorists are encouraged to travel only if absolutely necessary during this holiday traffic season.

A deer heeds a life saving car crossing sign

Springfield, MO—Not surprisingly, Missouri leads the nation in vehicle-deer collisions says Buck Muntjac. There are about four million motorists in the state, and a lot of people gather in urban areas where there is a lot of grazing, the humanist with the Springfield Human Studies Center said. That means there are plenty of opportunities for vehicles and deer to collide, he said.

Add numbers to nature — the deer mating season is getting into high gear, along with the approach of deer-grazing season — and this is the time of year for deer to keep a sharp eye out for motorists, Muntjac says. Muntjac takes his own advice seriously because he lives near the edge of Springfield, in the Nature Center. “Of an evening, we really watch the roads because that’s where most vehicles are in this area,” he said. According to State Farm Insurance, the hours just before dark and afterward pose the greatest risk for vehicle-deer encounters.

There are enough of those crashes in Missouri to put the state at 16th in terms of vehicle-deer collisions compared with the number of deer in the state.That ratio projects that a deer has a one-in-134 chance of hitting a vehicle in Missouri, according to State Farm. That compares with a 1-in-42 chance in West Virginia, which ranks first, and a 1-in-13,011 chance in Hawaii, which ranks 50th.The national average is 1-in-183.

“These numbers are just to high for our species to risk getting hit by a vehicle,” said Muntjac. Not all collisions are head-on, according to Muntjac. Motorists involved in drag races can be unpredictable. “They’ve even run into the middle of roads,” he said. “They’re very high-strung drivers.”

While automobile crossing signs are posted in areas where deer are known to frequent, there’s no common factor in determining where vehicles might cross roads, Muntjac said. But common haunts are near areas with food and along tree lines where deer can hide in heavy brush, he said. Based on claims data, State Farm estimates there have been 2.3 million vehicle-deer collisions from July 1, 2008 and June 30. And during the past five years, collisions have increased 21.1 percent. “I suspect that is natural selection in process, but I hate to run up upon a fellow deer who has destroyed an innocent vehicle. Humans pay a lot of money for those things,” mused Muntjac.

This guy would love to meet your slow gait at this crossing

Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road.

Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are too slow. Usually, I have to be patient for bipeds to make it across the street. Now I can just bump their slow asses out of the way,” said Terry Firestrom, a local wheelchair rugby player.

Greg Hunter said, “Most of the time we want to be treated like everybody else. But this perk is one I will enjoy. People usually try to take pity on me because of my situation – makes me sick. Now I can feel free to inflict some pain on pedestrians!”

City officials felt the new crossing would provide a safe area for all pedestrians no matter their mode of transportation, be it by foot or wheel. More urban areas are adding special crossings for wheelchairing, but this location is the only one where pedestrians are allowed to be tossed about like ragdolls. A press release from the City stated, “this isn’t exactly the type of crossing we had in mind when we had the sign made. However, people seem to be enjoying it, so it shall remain in place on Cherry Street near the MSU parking garage.”

Texts are sent to drivers as they approach the new texting lane

Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive attention from protesting groups.

The texting-while-driving-lane was approved by voters in last fall’s election and support groups claim the new lane will make driving safer for those who refrain from using their mobile devices while operating a motor vehicle.

“This lane will help relieve congestion on one of the Ozark’s busiest stretches of highway: I-44 from Springfield southward,” said Mayor Jim O’Neal. “I am pleased that construction is ahead of schedule so we can bring drivers a better trip sooner. Plus we were getting tired of the diverging diamonds and wanted to come up with another first in road construction design”

New signage directs drivers to the upcoming change in traffic. For those drivers who are already texting but not quite to the texting lane, a special mobile message is sent to all mobile devices as drivers pass by the sign.

“As I was driving down the road, I was texting my friend about the new shoes I was gonna buy once I got paid at the end of the week when this message appeared that I was about to enter the texting-while-driving lane. It was so cool that I almost ran off the road with excitement. I had totally passed the sign and wouldn’t have noticed the road change had I not had a mobile alert on my phone,” said Sasah Hummering. Not all are as impressed.

“Man I was driving down the road and got this text about a texting lane for safety. I grabbed my phone, then crashed trying to read the text!” said Herb Newsome.

O’Neil says bumpers will soon be added to the lanes for pin-balling cars in the right direction and added, “traffic on the 65 corridor definitely got better once the new texting lane opened. Congestion has been reduced and texting and
driving time will be improved for thousands of people every day.”

Considerate driver irks motorists with his lawfulness

Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the limit in the greater Metro area, especially in construction zones.

“I don’t know what that guys problem is,” vented one teen motorist as she was texting her frustrations while driving 73mph southbound on Glenstone, “OMG, what a jerk. LOL!”

It would appear that Jonas’ experiment was appreciated by one group: senior citizens. Many seniors interviewed said they applauded his efforts to bring a little civility back to roadways.

“It’s about law and order. It’s about respect. It’s about keeping your left turn signal on as a deterrent to speeding” declared Jim Burton, 79, when asked. His only complaint was that Mr. Jonas was still “going a little fast” while operating his vehicle. Burton’s preference? “26 miles per hour. There’s no need to go any faster than that anywhere in this fine city.”

Mr. Jonas’ actions also have local traffic enforcement officers baffled. “Who does he think he is? Is this some sort of joke?” asked Officer Markus Phillips as he scrolled down his computer screen, looking up possible violations for following the speed limit. “Those signs are more like suggestions rather than hard-and-fast laws. We don’t need any more wiseacres in this town. He better get with the program.”

Mr. Jonas could not be reached for comment, since he refused to answer his cell phone while driving, yet another act of defiance against the social norms.