All Entries in the "Traffic" Category
Bungholes Targeted in Springfield Area
Springfield, MO—According to John Millerstone, Springfield motorists have been tasked with reporting bungholes to the city to aid in the clean up of the Bunghole Patrol. “Yeah, I just heard it on the radio. They need help cleaning up the city streets and getting rid of all the bungholes in our community,” said Millerstone, “I […]
Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf […]
Deer Warn of Upcoming Motorist Season
Springfield, MO—Not surprisingly, Missouri leads the nation in vehicle-deer collisions says Buck Muntjac. There are about four million motorists in the state, and a lot of people gather in urban areas where there is a lot of grazing, the humanist with the Springfield Human Studies Center said. That means there are plenty of opportunities for […]
Wheelchair-Chasing-Pedestrian Crossing Unveiled
Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road. Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are […]
New Texting Lane Opens On 65 HWY
Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive […]
Commuter Drives Speed Limit
Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the […]
Devil Scorpion Turn Ahead
Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.” Others have found the sign to […]
Classic Car Owners Wave All Weekend
Springfield, MO—Drivers of classic cars spent a good deal of time this past weekend driving around town waving to each other. The friendly sign of acknowledgement was displayed whenever one driver of a historic vehicle crossed paths with another driver of a restored antiquated mode of transportation. The preferences for cars from a bygone era […]
New Signs Promote New Sign Locations
Springfield, MO—City officials hope that new signs located around town will better inform citizens on the best place to find new signs. Originally meant to point tourists to locations such as Bass Pro Shops, Battlefield Mall and Commercial Street, the new wayfarer signs will instead point to new sign locations. “We were so proud of […]
Missouri Highway To Be Renamed After Other Famous Liar
Jefferson City, MO—Mark McGwire highway could be renamed after another famous Missourian who told tall tales and spun a web of lies to achieve fame and fortune; Mark Twain. “Why do we always got to name a highway after someone who isn’t exactly telling the truth?” pondered one Springfield native as he placed a brown […]
Supreme Court Ruling Celebrated By Running Red Lights
Springfield, MO—Erve Hollins, a local resident, celebrated the Missouri Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to strike down use of red light video/still camera enforcement systems by running as many red lights as possible today. The landmark decision forced the City of Springfield to immediately disable all of its traffic law monitoring equipment and invalidates hundreds of […]
Church Traffic Is Parking Lot Purgatory
Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot. Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch […]
Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots
Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick. Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near […]
Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors
Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music. Locals flock to Kilroy’s street […]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits. Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once […]
