Undead protest planned in Jeff City

Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies seen here.
“It really pathetic dat people do not ‘preciate zombie,” said 50 year old Hans-Merrger, “zombie be in Ozarks loooooong time and not like make fun of.” Local zombies have banded together to lead an anti-protest rally against the slight and have forming an awareness group called B.R.A.I.N.Z. or Bring Revolution Against Injustices Not Zombies.

Members of B.R.A.I.N.Z. are planning a walking dead march October 31^st on the capitol in Jefferson City. “Mahhh!, Mahhh! Braaaaaains!” seems to be the rally cry painted on posters and placards and screamed by angry zombies between bouts of labored breathing, choking, and moaning.

Scientist Nick Crudonger said, “A deceased human being who has partially returned to life due to undeterminable causes shouldn’t have to endure undue mental strain or persecution. The rotting bodies of the undead operate on a fraction of the level at which our bodies normally function, so care should be exercised when interacting with this population. Zombies were people too.”

Experts suggest that the duration of the protest could last for some time. “The undead are incapable of fatigue and will persist at any cost. They will even crawl when their legs have been removed. Even if the head is removed from the body, it will continue to live,” said Neil Onmahead, a Zombie social worker.

Should the demonstration get out of hand, officials plan to decapitate the recently departed, and burn their corpses to prevent reanimation.

Giant water tower moments before it became animated

Springfield, MO – The giant water tower on North Glenstone began moving late yesterday morning; the giant legs began to shift and the structure stumbled down the street crushing property in its path. Witnesses said the tower began to moan and wail before making an abrupt exit from its long-time position on the East side of the street.

The path of destruction caused by the animated water tower is estimated to be in the millions of dollars. Local businesses, homes, automobiles and powerlines were destroyed as it ambled its way toward an unknown destination. The giant destroyer finally made it to Springfield Lake, attempting to attack the power plant when it sank into the waters presumably for good.

“Technically, the tower is gone. We’re not sure where it went or how,” said one City Utilities spokesperson. Plenty of locals have opinions on what happened. “I saw the darn ol’ thang pick up and leave. Pretty sure an alien force breathed life into it and gave it instructions to crush any foreign made car in its path. I seen it smash a Toyota with a single step – kaplow! ” said Howie Masterson a long time resident of Roundtree Neighborhood.

Residents attempted to stop the giant metal beast by creating trip wires, directing it into the nearby quarry, and shooting it with deer rifles. According to reports the stumbling devastation causing water tower simply wouldn’t be taken down easily. City Utilities is planning to field a task force to investigate the matter.

Cameraman captures aspriing reality tv star criminal

Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame.

According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making meth with a permit and 83% of complaints were about white collar crime that no one had an interest in.

A producer of COPS said, “Bad boys, bad boys. What are you going to do? What are you going to do when we come for you?” Then he wept quietly and asked God to take his sullen life quickly before he had to recite those tired, tired lines again.

Fortunately for the COPS crew one major case broke while the team was in town: a throwed roll was imbedded into a patron’s chest at Lambert’s Café in Ozark. When crews and police arrived, most folks weren’t aware of the physical impairment and continued to eat Ol’ Norm’s passarounds.

It wasn’t until the guest had dislodged the dinner roll from his chest, tossed it back towards the original propeller that the issue was recognized as urgent. “ Yes I tossed a roll to the man in booth 316 but I did not expect the roll to impact his chest cavity, nor did I anticipate the victim would retaliate by throwing the roll back at me,” said Shawn Matthews who was tackled in the dark while wearing a white wife-beater tank top in the back yard of some stranger.

Giant mutated Koi captured in an oil painting

Springfield, MO- What is a usually a calm experience, the Japanese strolling gardens erupted in slow paced chaos when the Koi fish pond was contaminated with toxic chemicals. After the contamination one fish (later named Koizilla) mutated into a medium sized fish monster. Because the creature was not used to walking on land, and had the brain the size of a marble its terror was received rather slowly.

“Koizilla,” screams a park patron, while pointing at the menace. The patron then screamed and pointed 57 more times before the creature got to him, gumming him to death.

“It was awful”, stated Jeff Carr. “My family and I were eating peacefully and we saw it come straight for us. I barely had to time to pass out the food, have a nice conversation, have a second helping, then desert, then pack up before he go to us. I shudder to think what would happen if we had the watermelon seed spitting fight for just 10 minutes longer. We would have been as good as gummed.”

Even though the creature hardly killed anyone, there were plenty of other close calls. One group of elderly power-walkers barely escaped; a man who really wanted to beat one more level on “Angry Birds” killed the last pig before the creature was upon him; and finally two teenage sweethearts almost died, but luckily could run away while still making out.

“We are so lucky,” stated Amy Patterson. “I kept saying ‘What was that? I thought I heard something’ and he kept saying ‘It’s nothing baby, just relax.’ But, after the 84^th time he heard it too.”

Finally the military was called in to subdue the beast.

“It was pretty easy. I mean it was literally just shooting a fish in a barrel. That thing went down hard. I mean it had fish skin. I could slap its face while walking backwards,” states General Baggort. The creature was mounted on a plaque in the general’s study.

Wilson's Creek ghost views tourist with disgust

Battlefield, MO- After taking a tour of Wilson’s Creek Battlefield many tourist feel exactly how the brave soldiers felt while fighting for their causes. While the tourist differ in gender, age, and station of life they all can agree on one thing: they have it just as tough as the soldiers did.

“Am I bushed,” complained father of 4 Greg Sarson, “Those soldiers are so lucky they didn’t have to herd 4 hyperactive, Ritalin depraved, bratty kids. They have no idea what I am going through right now.”

Greg then popped in a Pixar DVD to get the kids through the “boring parts”.

“Sure is hot here,” stated area mother Rhonda Goldsbooth while fanning herself with a brochure. “I have to wear my polo, a sweater wrapped around my shoulders, and spanx.” She then go in her air conditioned car after tossing the brochure out the window.

During the day other complaints where heard such as: mosquito bites as painful as a gun shot, having to walk 20 feet up a hill, how heavy carrying a fanny pack filled with water bottles and granola bars is, and not being able to play on any cannons.

An unknown soldier ghost commented: “You got to be kidding me…”

Antiquated opinions fail to live up to today's standards

Springfield, MO- According to numerous sources, many 1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets decried the smoking ban that passed in Springfield on April 5th. The ban, starting June 5, will restrict smoking in all public buildings such as restaurants, clubs, or bars.

“I can’t believe this“, states Grant Rogers as he nervously chomps gum at his favorite diner, “First Foster Ad Inc. gets the Swanson’s TV dinner account and now I have to smack gum like some snot nosed, school yard brat, insteada takin’ a puff off my Lucky Strikes? Yeah this is a big tickle.”

Sam Gunn, ex-cop and tough-as-nails private investigator, was also displeased with the news. “What is wrong with the world today?” Gunn told FCN via inner monologue, as he stood bathed in the light of a lonely street lamp and surrounded by eerie fog. “A man can’t take a drag at his favorite club, but she can waltz in my life like a serpent into Eden, take my heart and break like a dream.”

Sam was then politely asked to put out his cigarette because it was near an outdoor playground, hospital and oxygen purification plant.

“This is crazy. It simply won’t do. Won‘t do at all,” proclaimed Vivian St. Claire, to her assistant Eve Clements. “I am a star darling, a star. I have been in pictures since you have been born and I am telling you if I can’t sit at my favorite restaurant wearing a feather boa and black gown, wildly waving my cigarette and holder around while telling outrageous stories about Paul and Cary…well I would just die darling. I would just die.”

The executives, private investigator, and starlet had started plans to remove the band, but all were distracted by the 1960’s sexual revolution. Times change.

John Q found frozen in carbonite

Springfield, MO—Community leaders are happy to announce that they have located John Q Hammons frozen in a block of carbonite. Previously, Hammons was feared to be imprisoned in involuntary seclusion at a Springfield nursing home by the current CEO of his company. “Fortunately, we found him in carbonite down by the Jordan River,” said a passerby who was checking out the toxic diesel spring near downtown Springfield.

For several weeks Hammons was feared to be a victim of legal and political red tape, confined to a small room against his wishes. “Wow, what a relief!” said Shirley Templtonish, “I was so worried about him, but now that he’s been found they can simply heat him up and he’ll be back to normal.”

Carbon freezing is the process of freezing stored tibanna gas in carbonite to preserve it while it was being transported over long distances. Hammons health has long been in question, however, doctors agree that the only thing he may be exposed to now is that carbon freezing could induce hibernation sickness after being released. Dr. Jysella Horn said, “In the freezing process, the gas is pumped into a freezing chamber where it was mixed with molten carbonite into a solid block. The gas is released later at its destination or at the processing center.”

Police are not saying much about the hotel magnate and how he became encased in carbon, yet they claim to have several persons of interest, some of whom were owed money by Hammons.

The rescue of Hammons has put many local minds at ease now that his safety has been secured. SGFers are now free to worry about their own lives.

Hotelier might be locked up at top of Hammons' Tower

Springfield, MO—The disappearance of local businessman John Q Hammons has prompted Springfield to search him out.  One Missouri State University source stated, “We need something else to name after him, but with that comes money.  He’s got it, we don’t.  We need to find him to get a check signed ASAP”.  MSU has reportedly instructed its Campus Safety patrols to look for JQH whenever they get a free moment.

Hiland Dairy is working on a limited edition retro milk carton featuring Mr. Hammons’ image complete with a toll-free number for tips.  Chug Mildrink, Hiland spokesman said, “Retro is hot right now, and we are just as concerned about Mr. Hammons welfare, so bringing back the milk cartons with his picture on them seems like a mighty fine idea.  Look for them soon in a store near you.”

Channel 49, KRBK-HD stated, “We’re in the same boat, we’re here but no one can find us.  We know you have to have cable or satellite to find us, but we understand how important he is to our community, so we’re instituting a JQ Alert and putting his picture in place of our logo until he is found.  The KRBK news team is also working on a documentary about his disappearance which should be ready sometime in May.”

Local resident Lyle Kharty thought Hammons location could be easily identified, “Shouldn’t we just ask Dick Cheney?  He was good at hiding in an undisclosed location, so he should be able to tell us where to find JQH. Or Mickey Rooney?”

Unsuccessful tips have led to the Heer’s basement, Park Central Square’s construction site, the mall formerly known as the North Town Mall, Hy-Vee, and an undisclosed part of Hammons Field.  Searchers said, “We just don’t know how where he’s is. We’ve searched all over town, and we have no clue where he could be. We really thought we had found him at Heer’s, but all we found was his old charge card that expired in 1993.”

Anyone with information about Hammons disappearance is encouraged to call Crime Stoppers, FCN, or KRBK.

Sego-Cop protects Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good.

‘It started when Max was involved in a tragic Segway accident. He was chasing down a culprit who took two helpings of free samples from the Sbarro restaurant at the food court. The culprit turned slightly to the left, causing Max to head straight into the liquid hot sweet and sour sauce from the Chinese restaurant,” recalls Prof. James Brainson, the man who created Sego-Cop.

“He was badly burned, and could hardly walk so I fused his body with his trusty Segway using science,” states Brainson, “Sego-Cop has many powers greater than the common man. He can move at speeds 1.5 times faster than an average man. He is also 2 feet taller. And has machine guns as hands. Oh that. Well, once I was fusing stuff, I thought machine gun hands would be awesome,” explains Brainson. “I mean his hands and arms were perfectly fine. But, come one. Machine gun hands.”

But, not all are intimated by Sego-Cops improvements. “Oh I am totally shaking in my denim vest and head band,” states local street tough and leader of the Iron Falcons, Barry Stone. “We rule this mall with our beating sticks and twirling chains. If that cop ever shows up we are going to get in a semi-circle around him and attack that freak one or two at a time.”

Only time will tell if Sego-Cop will bring peace and propensity to the mall, as well as rediscover his humanity. “Sego-Cop, love?” states Sego-Cop has he uses his machine gun hands to create amazing shapes and animals out of bushes around the mall to impress shop girl, Eileen.

Drug dealer upset that neighborhood is going to pot

Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation.

“I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only by “Lucky Leon”. “I’m trying to run a business here, and all of this sinful behavior will make this a much less family friendly atmosphere. Them ho’s is killing us.”

Another dealer, “Ragsy”, went on to say “Listen, this building is known for two things: rats and good, quality, crack cocaine. I won’t have its reputation sullied by becoming a massage parlor known for its happy endings.”

When asked what they planned to do about the incursion of the world’s oldest profession onto their turf, both men had the same answer: absolutely nothing. “It’s the free market, and a down one at that. I guess we’ll just have to make do,” sighed Ragsy before offering this reporter a deeply discounted vial of crack.