"You'll poke your eye out" says School

Republic Mo.-  Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it.  School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers.  Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press conference that they had been considering the ban for quite some time.  “The writing was on the wall.  Now comes the time to erase it.”

Nosebottom stated that due to health and safety issues the ban has been overdue.  “It dawned on us that a pencil, once sharped, can be used as a deadly weapon.  That can be used to put someones eye out.  Also the possibility of getting lead poison is a great concern.  We started taking action last week by removing all the pencil sharpeners in each classroom.”

Ink pens, like weapons and cigarettes, are also not permitted on Republic school property.  “Ink pens can also be used like a pencil knife weapon.  Another thing we didn’t want going on is the grade school kids using the ink to give each other tattoos during recess.”, said Nosebottom.

Finally the last thing to be banned for the moment will be felt tip markers.  “There isn’t a kid alive today that hasn’t taken the cap off those things and tried to snort the tip.  Our studies have shown that is where all drug habits begin.  It starts with a little smell then the next thing you know is some kid is hiding behind the bleachers hacking paint,” the spokesman reported.

Critics of the ban say it sends the wrong message to students.  “Not at all,” said Nosebottom, “If there is a so called message being sent, the message is of the future.  Let’s face the facts.  In this day of computers, texting with smart cell phones, iPads and droids, using pens and pencils seems so 20th century.  Honestly, who is going to be using those things anyway?  Also, for the record we are thinking about banning paper.  Ever get a paper cut?  Those are the worse.”

Beer filled bathtubs will be on the decline as classes start

Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities.

“I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states Brad Parson. “I am used to partying ever night. Now I can only party Wednesday through Saturday night. I guess I can party the other days, but I have to skip class…hmm, oh wait, I will just do that. All the time.”

Brad is not the only student who has to get used to the hectic, schedule-filled college lifestyle.

“I am used to staying up all night, and getting up at noon. Now I can only stay up from 2 and have to get up at 11 to make it to class. I am living an Orwellian nightmare,” states communications major Candi Williams.

Other sacrifices college students have to make during the school year are: showering more than twice a month, cutting down to 2 naps a day, and having to wear pants all day.

“I have no time for myself. I don’t know how I am going to make it the next 3 months to my month long Christmas break. Sure I have Labor Day and Thanksgiving, but that won’t be enough. I have class 9-2:30. I am practically working at a Soviet era gulag,” states business major Randle Majors.

Not everyone has a negative attitude about the school year. Mary Sheaperson, a psychology major states, “I am sure it will all be worth it. I mean in America once you get out of college you are all most guaranteed a job. Right?”

Bully make good practice!

Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect their art.

“This really is our time to shine,” states Gary Garson while doing his shoving drills. “I have been doing bully yoga (where you really focus on your inner hate) and jogging over tires, which prepares me for stepping on nerd’s faces.”

The bullies also do a variety of other exercises to make sure their bullying skills stay sharp, such as: beating up punching bags filled with kindergarteners, running up stairs to a government building then toss an old man down the stairs, jump roping, grabbing lunch money out a child’s hand before he can close it, and running through swamps with their tiny bully instructors on their backs.

“Powerful bullies are,” states Bulda, an instructor who has trained bullies for years. “Focus on hate and self-loathing you must. Wet willy’s good also are.”

After training, most bullies have a plan before they even walk into the school. Usually it involves focusing on the small and weak of the herd, then slowing working their way up to more challenging prey such as somewhat popular kids, attractive girls, and first year teachers.

“I am very pumped for the new school year. I even bought an apple for my teacher,” states school bully Rick McDean. “I can’t wait to chuck it at her while her back is turned…or maybe right at her face, depending on my mood.

Republic shreds evil phonebook with pure hands

Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision to remove Slaughterhouse Five and Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s libraries.

When asked why the phone book came under scrutiny and how the board reached its unanimous decision, one board member, who chose to remain unnamed for this article, claimed that “vulgar names and references are sprinkled throughout it.” When asked to specify, the source mentioned the many appearances of “Dick.”

“There’s a Dick Short, which reads as Short Dick. There’s Dick Handler, Dick Weed, and even a Dick Whacker. And after what Seinfeld did to Delores…well that has to be monitored too. It’s awful. Just awful,” said the source. When asked about the claims of “ungodliness,” the source mentioned dozens of names that were “clearly names of Muslami [sic] terrorists.”

“I can’t even tell you how many Muhammads, Kareems, and Ahmeds I found in that book. And we can’t have kids reading that. I mean, what if they started thinking there were other religions than Christianity?” After being reminded that there are in fact other religions, the source merely chuckled.

Another factor that led to the phone book’s removal was the recent discovery of urbandictionary.com by some members of the board. Apparently, after looking up several words and terms on the site the board members became convinced that the phone book was nothing more than a laundry list of “filthy and depraved sexual references,” said the source. “I always thought gas station just meant a place to get gas. I didn’t know that it was code for…well…I can’t even say.”

The minutes from the school board meeting are not yet available, so it is unclear what each member had to say on the matter. However, according to the source, only one of the four had ever opened the phone book.

Republic's new best read book

REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for teenagers who about to graduate and enter the real world.

The decision has gotten international attention and many students have been curious as to what they are missing out on. While several students are reading Ockler’s novel, many more are reading Vonnegut’s, thanks to donations from the Kurt Vonnegut Library, and because it is consistently ranked as one of the greatest American Novels of the 20th century.

“When I heard Professor Scoggins complain about how many ‘F-words’ are in the book, I couldn’t wait to read it,” said Alan Campbell, a sophomore at Republic High School. “There are actually only sixteen ‘F-words’ in the whole book. I counted. And they are not on every other page, like Scoggins said. I mean, I say more curse words than that before my first class starts each day. But I really liked the book, even though there wasn’t enough swearing.”

“I don’t think they need to be reading this trash,” said Marci Sharp, a member of Republic High School’s PTA, “and I know ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ is trash because I read it! Students shouldn’t be learning about themes like satire, war, fate, and freewill. It just isn’t moral.”

Sharp is encouraging that other books be banned from the school’s library as well. “I think we should get rid of ‘The Great Gatsby.’ Too many parties. And ‘To Kill A Mockingbird.’ It’s plain racist! Oh, and definitely get rid of ‘The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe,’ because witches are of the devil.”

“All of my friends love ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ too,” said Campbell. “I’m so glad Scoggins made such a big deal about it, because otherwise I may have never realized I could enjoy reading so much.”

CBCBCB shirts will be available at the bookstore

Springfield, MO – In a move to become more efficient, the Board of Governors for Baptist Bible College (BBC) and Central Bible College (CBC) voted unanimously to consolidate resources by merging into the larger CBCBCB.  This act will save the two institutions millions in printing costs by reducing the 38 characters in both names down to a mere six. It is also thought that the new moniker will help the institution stand out, citing SMSU changing to MSU in 2005.

“It was the right decision for these two schools. It comes at a time when vowels happen to be at an all-time premium,” said one of the schools leaders. “Also, we feel it will increase awareness of our school. After all, with only six characters we can use much larger lettering on our signs now.”

Although eventually passing by a unanimous vote, it wasn’t an easy debate for the Board of Governors. Negotiations were at an impasse for days and tempers flared, almost resulting in a walk out, when the crucial choice between two versions, “CBCBCB” and “BCBCBC”, were being debated. Finally, an agreement was reached when experts suggested that the former version could be crucial in trying to boost enrollment in the ever-elusive truck-driving demographic.

“I like it”, said one student. “It reminds me of CBGB’s which I see on a lot of students’ shirts. Although, I don’t know what it is.”

Recent grads head down to the unemployment line

Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government assistance.

“Who are we kidding?” states a government employee. “These kids have no chance. My father got laid off last month and he worked there for 15 years. What is a philosophy major with a minor in modern tap going to do? Die. Die on the street, that’s what.”

After the graduates get their checks, they will be sent to a bread line for their meager rations, then a bon fire where they will use their diplomas as kilning for warmth. A resume workshop will also be available.

“Why wasn’t I born in the 90’s. That sweet spot before one recession and after another. Now here I am shacked up in my parent’s basement living on pizza rolls and playing ‘World of Warcraft’…which I have be doing since high school. And actually it’s not that bad,” states Ronne Hawkins, a recent graduate.

Not all students feel their future will be bleak. Students in the fields of nursing, insurance, gold digging, and literally digging for gold seem to be doing quite well.

“I just decided to go out west and strike it rich. I know my odds of finding gold are slim, but way better than finding a job. And I rather stay in this tree in the middle of the woods living off honey and badger meat than begging on the streets, or working at Waffle House,” states graduate David Walden as he burrows in for the night.

Many experts state jobs numbers will improve once we are invaded by China and becoming a “morlock-like” working caste.

Facebook status confirms break up

Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts suspect this is partially because Black stayed in Springfield after high school, attending Missouri State University, while Taylor went to Mizzou in Columbia, MO.

“We were physically and emotionally becoming more and more distant,” said Emily Taylor, who initiated the breakup. “I felt like if we stayed together any longer I wasn’t going to get the full college experience.”

“I thought things were fine,” said Black. “Emily never told me about any of that before she broke up with me. And she had lots of chances to let me know, we Skyped all the time.” Black added, “What does she mean, ‘full college experience’?”

Previous to the breakup, the couple went to great lengths to prove their undying love for each other.

“I bought her a promise ring. She had me pose with her in at least half of her senior photos. I dedicated my senior quote in the yearbook to her. You aren’t supposed to break up when you do things like that,” said Black. “I even wrote her a song.”

“Yeah, he wrote me a song,” said Taylor, “it wasn’t good.”

The breakup seems to have been a big surprise to all of Black and Taylor’s friends and Facebook friends. Black’s friend, Brent Richardson, commented to Black’s newly single status, “What?!?? Dude, that sucks, txt me.” Nikki Nickels, on Taylor’s Wall, only managed to choke out “:(“.

An Ozarks father prepares for Prom season

Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand.

“It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states Roger Tombs as he polishes his Tarsus PT111 9mm semi automatic pistol. “But, that is the way it goes,” the father said as he empties a clip into a photograph of the star quarter back, most of the shots straight to the groin.

While the fathers are preparing for the festivities, mothers are busy buying the perfect dress for their daughters and giving “the talk” to their sons. “The talk” of course being “if you get hit, make a tourniquet out of your cummerbund and run to a safe house.”

“I tell my daughter just to have fun, but be safe,” says another local father, cleaning his Barrett M107 military grade sniper rifle. “I trust her..I just don’t trust the scum bag boy she is taking to this dry hump-a-thon,” he said as he seamlessly put the gun together, then apart while blindfolded. Local high school students are also getting ready for prom. The girls making appointment for their hair and nails; the boys buying Kevlar vest and putting their blood type on the bottom of their dress shoes.

“Yeah, I am little nervous,” said local father of 5, Randle Greenberg. “I have 4 boys, and she is my baby girl.” Randle then took out a vintage World War 2 panzerschreck (German Bazooka) and fired it at a tuxedo clad mannequin.

“My little princess is becoming a woman,” he stated fighting back the tears. After the boost of the economy thanks to prom, many shop owners are looking forward to the graduation seasons where sales of nostalgia, cheek to cheek photographs, and a now-or-never attitude will more than likely be at an all time high.

Education temptress increases enrollment

Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education.

Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping jaws all around town. Yesterday, traffic on south Glenstone was backed up for three hours when Kickapoo sophomore Chase Wernex swore he “saw a nip.”

“We are a technical college, and technically, she’s not naked,” says Quinn Talent of OTC’s Student Recruitment office. “But people will see what they want to see, and without exception, that means nudity.”

A classic go-to tactic among advertising professionals, implied nudity ranks just behind talking babies, talking animals, and crotch accidents for audience likeability. Advertising Executive Stew Danners defended his agency’s work by saying, “Today’s degree-seeking candidate is looking for more out of their college experience. Our ads merely demonstrate that OTC has the student body people want to see in a student body.”

The campaign precedes the launch of the college’s new tagline, “Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter,” which will debut at the grand opening of the new women’s dorm, conveniently located next to Kum & Go.