New flags are flown in the Republic of Ravenwood

Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.”

Ravenwood South association member Fred Jibbles said he had read about secession from Springfield City councilman Doug Burlison’s libertarian blog and merely suggested the move as a “joke people. Something to lighten the mood.” According to witnesses, his attempt at humor caught fire amongst those gathered.

“We have access to water from Lake Springfield, and we can use the Ravenwood pool as a sanitation and waste center with a little modification,” said the association president Red Thumwagger.

“Our homeowners have seen a decline in property values, we must be able to sustain ourselves in this economic crisis. And I don’t see the government aka big brother coming down to our neck of the woods to help us!”

As of eight o’clock today, the process of secession has already started. Roads are slowly becoming blocked with sand bags and strange looking flags have replaced American flags outside of goliath-sized homes.

“We are the Republic of Ravenwood!” exclaimed Thumwagger, as he rode though the streets atop a 2012 Maserati minivan mounted with a public address system. “I just hope those people in Ravenwood don’t mind if we annex their pool.”

A young couple practice singing "dot com" before Expedia auditions

Springfield, MO—In a news conference held last week, Expedia Inc. announced it will expand its digital voice in Springfield by adding approximately 500 singing jobs. The company is looking to hire people to sing “dot com” in teams of two or more for every page visit to Expedia.com.

“The online travel marketplace is flooded with competition. One way to differentiate our brand is to use live vocal singers to actually project ‘dot com’ after each page load to enhance our customer’s experience on our site, Expedia.com,” Cliff Trebble, Expedia Vice President of Global Vocal Strategy said in an interview after the news conference.

Local and state officials were in attendance and proclaimed the mega travel site’s decision to invest in Missouri vocalists as yet another clear indication that the area and state will overcome this current recessionary period.

“The hiring process will take time. We may hire a few balladeers to start, then proceed to pick up yodelers and then songsters three to four months down the line. We have needs for baritones, sopranos, and tenors who are willing to sing at people browsing our website for 8-9 hours a day,” said Trebble.

In February, Expedia signed a five-year lease to occupy 59,000 square feet in the former Springfield-Branson National Airport terminal building, which is currently under construction. Approximately sixty percent of that space will be built into several soundproof rooms for actual work-related crooning, and one major concert hall to provide an area for practice.

Springfieldians cool off by drinking beer in a kiddie pool

Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield.  “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department.  “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern Hills, Pearson Creek and Highland Springs, were just sitting outside in baby pools drinking beer.  That maybe ok for them to do it, but we do not want these “beating the heat” ideas to spread to the North and West side of Springfield.”
Thanks to a 3 million dollar federal stimulus grant, information will soon be available in the form of mass mailings, radio and television ads.  “This is great,” added Bosco, “Not only did the Federal government gave us money we didn’t even ask for, they threw in the actual ideas of how to stay cool.  This is truly government at its best.”

Below is a preview of what to look for in the following days:

TURN ON AIR CONDITIONING AND FANS—Apparently a lot of people were still in the “Ice storm” mode after all these years. They did not know there is a cool switch on their thermostat as well as heat. With the help of Springfield City Utilities, they will come to your house and turn it on for you.

WEAR COOL AND LIGHT COLORED CLOTHING—There are still people walking around in wool and flannel shirts and pants. Some of them are even wearing parkas and gloves. We will show them by wearing shorts, short sleeve shirts and tees they will feel instant relief. We do not want see people go overboard on this, however. The people at Party Cove at Lake of the Ozarks are not supermodels; we will keep a close eye on this one.

DRINK WATER—This is an important idea.  A recent study showed that 1 in every 4 people have peed in the pool.  With all these people sitting in the baby pools drinking beer, sooner or later they got to go.  This is where it really becomes a health issue especially with children involved.  By drinking water this may help the urge.

STAY OUT OF THE SUN—We like to get all of these baby pool’n, beer drinking people inside.  We suggest they go visit friends and neighbors or just hang out at the Battlefield Mall.

Bosco added, ”I am shocked that nobody has ever thought of this stuff before. These have got to be the best ideas ever. I mean ever!”

An elderly person attempts to be a teen's grandparent over the phone

Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods.

The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers are counting on the teens’ gullibility and rely on their lack of ability to distinguish one old person voice from another.

17-year-old Nikky Weller confessed, “I like, don’t actually know what my grandmother is saying most of the time so when I got a call from a cranky old person asking me to drop off $400 so she could buy some medicine, I didn’t think twice. I did think it was strange that I had to place the money in a bread sack and throw it on top of the roof at the bus station.”

16-year-old Nate Vicroll said, “I got this call from my grandpa asking me to come over right away as he needed a drink of coffee. I was about half way across town when I realized that my grandfather gave up coffee years ago. To think I almost showed up with a cup of joe for him makes me sick. Who would do that to us?”

Statistics show that most young people hardly ever listen to elders, much less possess the ability to discern voice patterns and inflection among seniors their grandparents’ age. Weller said, “When my grandma speaks its mostly scratchy, drawn out and doesn’t make much sense. So I’m totally like, whateve!”

Teens are urged to confirm the identity of any elderly caller before providing services, exchanging of money or helping a grumpy person across the street.

A smiley face occupies a student's canvas for thesis

Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis.

“I have the whole thing written in my head,” says Crayley, “including footnotes. It’s on the long-term toxic effects of the petroleum industry on the flora and fauna of Missouri and, more specifically, the effects of plastic waste on the environment and ecology of the Springfield area. So the problem is not the message.”

The problem is the medium he has chosen.

Crayley, 38, says he wants to write his entire thesis using thousands of disposable plastic cups stuck into the chain-link fencing that comprises the walls of the walking bridge over Campbell Street.

The logistical difficulties involved in such a plan are enormous.

“I was actually midway through my thesis last October,” recounts Crayley. “I bought a case of 10,000 plastic cups, and I had spelled out the equivalent of about fifty double-spaced pages. I even had a few graphs. People were driving by and stopping to read what I’d written, and some were honking to show their support. But around midnight I ran out of cups, so I ran down to borrow some more from Steak ‘n Shake. And when I got back up there, somebody had pulled out all my cups and put up a new message that said, ‘Happy b-day #13 Butthead Love Angel.’ I was devastated.”

Crayley says he is toying with the idea of using epoxy to increase the permanence of his cup thesis. He’s also trying to get backing from the Solo Cup Company, which has a plant in Springfield. “So far they’ll only agree to do it if I do an 8-foot-high Solo logo on the bridge. But that wouldn’t leave enough room for the bibliography.”

A dragon attempts to raze the Palace at Chesterfield Village

Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day.

Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects Chesterfield, stated, “It was a horrible hell-beast. Scales like iron and claws of steel. It’s alabaster teeth almost tore me to shreads as I saved Lady Arabell from his clutches.”

Frendrel road into battle with out warriors such as Brom Killtroll, Joseph Stormraver, and Millicent Gladewalker. After rallying at the Palace gates the champions finally drove back the beast. Although many lives were lost, and many buildings were burnt to ash it was still seen as a victory. Luckily the Palace that the village surrounds was unharmed.
This was not the first attack from a mythical beast Chesterfield has had to deal with. Numerous trolls, hellhounds, giants, and ogres have attacked the hamlet, but all were defeated by the group of warriors.

“It is true, we have had our share of troubles. Banshees, ghouls vampires (the non-glittery kind), and werewolves (the non-shirtless kind), and lawyers have all come to our humble hamlet. Mostly because of the tasty restaurants and nice apartments. But, we have destroyed them all. Except the ghouls. The ghouls kick our butts every time.”
The serfs of the village have pledged to rebuild their town no matter what the cost. The next dragon attack is due in about two weeks.

Ozarkers are well fed with being fed up

Springfield, MO—Missouri’s 7th  Congressional District hopeful Billy Long ate another meal and possibly made new political friends at the same time.  According to Billy it went like this.  “I was on a doughnut run for my staff when I came upon this group called the Well Fed Neighborhood Alliance.  I thought it was an offshoot of my campaign of being ‘Fed Up’.   I stopped and asked this old boy if he was ‘Fed Up?’ and this guy looked at me and said ‘Are you well fed?’”

This went on for about a half an hour.  Fed up-Well fed.  Fed up being well fed. And well fed about being fed up.  According to sources Long got so confused that his stomach started to hurt.

Before he knew it they were all sitting down to a chicken dinner.  Long was told that everything in the meal came from peoples’ backyards right here in the good ‘ol Ozarks. Said Long, “I still don’t know what side of the political fence they were on but they sure can cook well. I came away with some good recipes and some good strategies for Washington D.C.”

Lady Gaga selected to headline next years' I Love America Celebration

Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a real testimonial to share.”

According to a JRA insider one of the 24-Hour Prayer-Line Warrior volunteers learned of the Gaga dead Aunt Joanne connection while casually surfing the web waiting for hot-line calls in the middle of the night. A call-center volunteer told FCN, “Not a lot of prayer requests at 3:00 AM, so we typically Google somebody or fire off an occasional Tweet, maybe catch up on Facebook.” The annual celebration draws over 60,000 people and features all day “preachin’, singin’, and dinner on the grounds, concluding with a HOO-BOY fire and brimstone Come-To-Jesus pyrotechnical climax,” shouted longtime JRA volunteer Sarah June Graham-Cracker.

The JRA announcement comes on the heels of Gaga publicists revealing earlier this week that the quirky star’s unauthorized biography, Lady Gaga: Behind the Fame is due to hit bookstores soon. Ms. Gaga is known for blockbuster hits, I Like It Rough, So Happy I Could Die and Shake Ur Kitty. Gaga show producers tell FCN, “I Love America fans can expect a fabulous Red, White, & Blue, Holy Ghost romp and stomp good time at 65 & Division this July 4^th.” Lady Gaga will be joined on stage by the combined JRA choirs and orchestra for a patriotic musical extravaganza unlike anything ever seen, or as Sister Graham-Cracker, exalted, “Extrav-a-gaga baby!”

This will be Gaga’s first time to the Ozarks prompting local Gaga handlers to reveal, “We have a full day planned including a VIP tour of Pro-Bass and a book-signing at the Wal-Marts.”

"Genie" escapes from prison bottle; trims shrubs on way out

Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail.

Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now here in Branson, MO. The man can’t be contained by conventional prison systems.” Richardson/Ward, who works as a handyman and groundskeeper, had reportedly fixed a broken toilet and trimmed up some exterior hedges as he left the incarceration facility.

“I sure didn’t fix that commode or trim the shrubbery,” said Hankey. Over the past 30 years Richardson lead a new “absolutely pristine, spotless life in that time,” said his attorney. “A pristine lifetime that was too good to waste spending time behind bars I suspect,” said Tom Beck, Richardson’s brief cellmate.

A close friend, Roy Umber said, “Eugene was always looking to the next lawn to mow, the next door jam to fix. I’m not surprised he walked away from prison again. You can’t keep a good man down and you can’t keep Genie in the bottle or from exterior lawn care, even if you try to lock him up.”

Hankey confessed, “alls I know is he did a really nice job on the evergreens we had planted out front. He really is too talented to be locked up.”

Woman rides away in car with thief who snatched her purse

Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim.

Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in two Tulsa officers he has worked with in the past: Sgt. Mahoney and Officer Zed. “I learned a thing or two working under Commandant Lassard and Captain Harris,” said Williams.

The Springfield Police force is currently understaffed by 40 officers so the citizens of  crescent city are stepping up to fill the void.  Williams said, “I remember Captain Harris wasn’t too keen on the idea of C.O.P. at first, in fact he once referred to C.O.P. as a ‘Collection of Pissants’. But he came around once the results were tallied and the crime rate began to fall.

The president of the Springfield Police Officers Association, said the idea sounds interesting., but will withhold judgment until the plan has time to prive itself. Obviously this past Friday, one more criminal is off the streets thanks to the actions of a man who helped a woman who was driven off to a car wash while trying to retrieve her purse.