"I felt it more than you"

Springfield, MO – Despite an epicenter nearly 250 miles away, local douchebag Stan Liston claimed that he was “totally rocked by the quake, probably more than you.” Liston recalled his horrific story this morning while having breakfast with several of his friends at Gailey’s.

“We were all at the same party last night and we ran out of Peach Schnapps. Liston offered to go get more right before the quake hit…in Oklahoma. We were on the South side of town but Liston claims he was closer to the quake as he had to drive to Nixa for the booze…what a douche,” said Jeremy Hagger.

Liston interrupted several breakfast conversations to relay his “out of body experience”, the “rocking his car took” and his “feeling of imminent doom”. He supposedly ran off the road in his car, jumped a curb and smashed into a ditch.

“I felt the quake hit and my entire life flashed in front of me. The road spit open and I swerved to avoid the crack, then it slammed back together. I got out of my car and fell on my knees. I totally felt it. I know I did. I felt it more that you. Probably,” said Liston.

Liston says he was shaken so hard by the quake that he lost an hour of time from his day. Liston’s claims are always suspect and his friends confirm that this is likely another lame attempt to get attention, they have yet to inform him that daylight saving time was observed the same night as the “OK quaker.”
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Also known as Heri Cafeteria

Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why the General Assembly chose the popular cafeteria.

“First of all I want to send out my props to all the freedom fighters in cities across the US! Down with corporations, banks, the one percent, and anyone over thirty! But that’s just my opinion, not necessarily shared by any other protesters here today, right guys?
We decided to occupy The Heritage because, well, it’s getting colder outside and we need a place that has lots of seating and good food at a reasonable price. I mean, I really do ‘cause my parents are like totally hacked that I dropped out of school to occupy. Since our movement is really all about free choice we felt that the Heritage was a no brainer since everyone can choose what they want to eat from their extensive, home cooked variety of entrees, sides, and desserts.”

Suze Brenner, Assistant Manager at The Heritage, was guardedly pleased with the new customers. “They seem pretty peaceful and orderly, and really hungry! If they plan on occupying this many booths during the rush hours they’ll have to buy more than coffee, and hot tea with honey. I don’t think that will go over with the boss. Actually I tried to pass out some applications for a dishwasher position we have open, figured one of them must need a job since they’re here all the time, but so far no takers. Must be nice?”

When asked if he was in favor of occupying the restaurant, occupier Melvin Finger had this to say. “Like, we’re not positive that The Heritage isn’t a corporation so, like, The General Assembly, just to like, play it safe, said it was cool to order an entree and one side, but no dessert. Kind of a bummer since, like, I love the apple pie here. I’ll do it, like, ‘cause like, I’m in for the cause, to stop corporate greed and everything. And my girlfriend, like, put some Ho-Hos in my backpack before I like, came out this morning.”

Undead protest planned in Jeff City

Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies seen here.
“It really pathetic dat people do not ‘preciate zombie,” said 50 year old Hans-Merrger, “zombie be in Ozarks loooooong time and not like make fun of.” Local zombies have banded together to lead an anti-protest rally against the slight and have forming an awareness group called B.R.A.I.N.Z. or Bring Revolution Against Injustices Not Zombies.

Members of B.R.A.I.N.Z. are planning a walking dead march October 31^st on the capitol in Jefferson City. “Mahhh!, Mahhh! Braaaaaains!” seems to be the rally cry painted on posters and placards and screamed by angry zombies between bouts of labored breathing, choking, and moaning.

Scientist Nick Crudonger said, “A deceased human being who has partially returned to life due to undeterminable causes shouldn’t have to endure undue mental strain or persecution. The rotting bodies of the undead operate on a fraction of the level at which our bodies normally function, so care should be exercised when interacting with this population. Zombies were people too.”

Experts suggest that the duration of the protest could last for some time. “The undead are incapable of fatigue and will persist at any cost. They will even crawl when their legs have been removed. Even if the head is removed from the body, it will continue to live,” said Neil Onmahead, a Zombie social worker.

Should the demonstration get out of hand, officials plan to decapitate the recently departed, and burn their corpses to prevent reanimation.

New dirt bike jump installed on the Square

Springfield, MO – Dirt bike riders across the Ozarks are happy to learn about the newest addition to the square; a motocross track. According to insiders, a state-of-the-art jump is now completed and will welcome thrill seekers as they attempt to overcome numerous obstacles build within the square.

 
“I’m thrilled that we have a dirt track downtown,” said Stu Livingston, aka Dragon Foot, “this forward thinking on the part of the City demonstrates their commitment to this sport of the future.” Critics are quick to point out that the noise generated by the motorcycles will be second in annoyance to the immediate threat of physical danger presented by careening bikes that miss their mark.

Longtime downtown resident Shirley Gibbons said, “I was walking through the square to get groceries at the Bistro when a moto-kid hit a dirt jump, missed his landing and his bike hurdled at me. I narrowly missed being crushed by the cycle.” Practice runs are being allowed while final construction of the track is fine-tuned.

The motocross track follows the lay of the land and incorporates several key existing landmarks. The fountains will provide a water hazard, the pavilion roof serves as a landing pad and the moguls are patterned after the natural steps into the arena.

Individuals wishing to use the track can purchase time slots at $30 per half hour up to 2 hours. Following Artwalk each month a motocross event, SGFMOTOX, will provide entertainment for the crowds. Ticket prices are $10, $25 and special “sit in the middle of it all” access for $50 go on sale the third Friday of the month.

Giant water tower moments before it became animated

Springfield, MO – The giant water tower on North Glenstone began moving late yesterday morning; the giant legs began to shift and the structure stumbled down the street crushing property in its path. Witnesses said the tower began to moan and wail before making an abrupt exit from its long-time position on the East side of the street.

The path of destruction caused by the animated water tower is estimated to be in the millions of dollars. Local businesses, homes, automobiles and powerlines were destroyed as it ambled its way toward an unknown destination. The giant destroyer finally made it to Springfield Lake, attempting to attack the power plant when it sank into the waters presumably for good.

“Technically, the tower is gone. We’re not sure where it went or how,” said one City Utilities spokesperson. Plenty of locals have opinions on what happened. “I saw the darn ol’ thang pick up and leave. Pretty sure an alien force breathed life into it and gave it instructions to crush any foreign made car in its path. I seen it smash a Toyota with a single step – kaplow! ” said Howie Masterson a long time resident of Roundtree Neighborhood.

Residents attempted to stop the giant metal beast by creating trip wires, directing it into the nearby quarry, and shooting it with deer rifles. According to reports the stumbling devastation causing water tower simply wouldn’t be taken down easily. City Utilities is planning to field a task force to investigate the matter.

Cage match for Greene County

Springfield MO.-  The ongoing feud between presiding Greene County Commissioner Jim Viebrock and Greene County Sheriff Jim Arnott will soon be settled when they wrestle each other in a steel cage match at the shrine mosque later next month.  What will be the main event for the night is being billed as “The Battle between the two Jimmys”.

It will feature a no holds barred, no disqualifications, winner take all match to be settled in a steel cage.  Jim “The Vivacious One” Viebrock says he can’t wait for this to be settled once and for all so he can move on to other business in Greene County.  “That Heinrich Himmler look alike has been running his mouth telling me what to do for too long.”, commented the Vivacious One. “Once we get into the ring and that door is shut he is going to find out who is really in charge in Greene County. I guarantee the people of Greene County that I am going to be there.”

Jim “The Anvil” Arnott said, “That mealy mouth smart boy has been ducking from me for too long.  He has been hiding behind his comments in the newspaper and running his pie hole on TV and radio. Once that steel door shuts there won’t be any desk to hide behind.  I guarantee my fans who are the posse, that I am going to be there.”
Other feature matches on the card include a match for the vacated Greene County Parks Director title.  The interim director Bob “The Bouncer” Belote will face from parts unknown “The Search Committee”.  “I don’t know a thing about “The Search Committee,” said “The Bouncer”.  I just hope my fans rally around the hometown boy. The one thing I can promise you is that I am going to be there.”

Divas will also be on the card. Female TV personalities from all the local stations will compete in a giant battle royal.  The winner of the match will take on the queen of Ozarks television, KY3 champion Lisa Rose for the title.  “In all honesty I hope someone that doesn’t work at KY3 wins the match,” stated “The Lovely Lisa” Rose.  “I truly love all the women that I work with.  But if that doesn’t happen and say someone like Maria Neider wins the match, I will hit her in the head with a steel chair to keep my title.  The one thing my fans can count one is that I am going to be there.”

"You'll poke your eye out" says School

Republic Mo.-  Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it.  School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers.  Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press conference that they had been considering the ban for quite some time.  “The writing was on the wall.  Now comes the time to erase it.”

Nosebottom stated that due to health and safety issues the ban has been overdue.  “It dawned on us that a pencil, once sharped, can be used as a deadly weapon.  That can be used to put someones eye out.  Also the possibility of getting lead poison is a great concern.  We started taking action last week by removing all the pencil sharpeners in each classroom.”

Ink pens, like weapons and cigarettes, are also not permitted on Republic school property.  “Ink pens can also be used like a pencil knife weapon.  Another thing we didn’t want going on is the grade school kids using the ink to give each other tattoos during recess.”, said Nosebottom.

Finally the last thing to be banned for the moment will be felt tip markers.  “There isn’t a kid alive today that hasn’t taken the cap off those things and tried to snort the tip.  Our studies have shown that is where all drug habits begin.  It starts with a little smell then the next thing you know is some kid is hiding behind the bleachers hacking paint,” the spokesman reported.

Critics of the ban say it sends the wrong message to students.  “Not at all,” said Nosebottom, “If there is a so called message being sent, the message is of the future.  Let’s face the facts.  In this day of computers, texting with smart cell phones, iPads and droids, using pens and pencils seems so 20th century.  Honestly, who is going to be using those things anyway?  Also, for the record we are thinking about banning paper.  Ever get a paper cut?  Those are the worse.”

Sinkhole swallows Ozarks indestructible mansion

Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains.

The 72,000-square foot work-in-progress was to be the future home of a software entrepreneur and was started nearly two years ago and with construction slated to be completed by late 2013. The energy efficient, state-of-the-art, disaster-proof mansion made of concrete was projected to be the fourth largest home in America. “It’s certainly the most expensive sink hole in America now,” said Kellen Iopsy a local neighbor in Springfield, MO.

The Ozarks, long known for a system of underground rivers and caves, proved too much for man-made technology. “Mother Nature really delt us a death blow. We considered F5 tornados, bomb blasts and termites, not sink holes,” said construction manager Beau Jonsings. “But it’s just as well. We were dealing with a number of issues with the structure. Earthworms had softened the soil on the east side encouraging collapse and the master bedroom had a leak, which once the water came into the concrete room had no place to escape. We almost lost Dirty Earl when he fell into the master ‘pool’ last week!” Jonsings confirmed that Dirty Earl can’t swim.

Projected to be bigger than white house, Pensmore now joins the ranks of Atlantis. The home owner claims that Pensmore will rise again; however, in the meantime he plans to build the world’s largest impenetrable mobile home.

Female Bigfoot used to lure Bigfoot into a trap

Springfield, MO- According to a Bass Pro spokesman, Wonders of Wildlife should be completed be in November if their numerous Big Foot traps are successful. It is no surprise that a Big Foot exhibit would be a big a huge draw to Ozarkians. Wonders of Wildlife is making exhibit the main event.

“We are trying numerous tactics,” said Jack Henderson, a Bass Pro spokesman. “We have some boxes held up by a stick attacked to a piece of string. We also have some park rangers dress up like a sexy female Big Foot and have equipped them with a large, cartoon like mallet.”

Once they capture the Big Foot Wonders of Wildlife has big plans.

“First, we are going to chain the Sasquatch to a wall for a sideshow-like event for the media, then we are going to drive him mad with flash bulb photography, finally after escaping, he will go on a rampage through downtown ending with a showdown on top of Hammons Tower. It isn’t the best plan, but what are you going to do?” stated Henderson.

After the rampage, Bigfoot will be released into a Sasquatch Sanctuary.

“Go on, get out of here. We don’t love you anymore,” cried a tearful Wonders of Wildlife worker to Bigfoot as he sent him into the exhibit. “We shouldn’t have any more rampages,” states Cardland. “Of course we are going to use the Bigfoot to test a new Alzheimer’s drug… like that has ever caused a problem.”

"Sorry!" says Mother Nature

Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving.

The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and orange leaves was misplaced under a stack of papers, therefore was never sent out. The pumpkins and apple cider division was plagued with revolving door managers and ridiculous turn over. Also inexperienced interns never got around getting bids for corn and squash.

“We are so sorry to the people of the Ozarks,” states Mother Nature. “We are trying to get out act together. We are planning a short Fall, and catching up in Winter. Spring 2012 should be right on schedule.”

Springfield citizens are planning to make adjustments to their fall events. Halloween costumes for males will mostly be swimmer dudes, Tarzan, and underwear model. Due to their all ready short shirts and low cut tops, women costumes will still be slutty nurse, slutty school girl, slutty ghost, and slutty prostitutes.

For Thanksgiving, turkeys will be barbequed on the grill (or sidewalk) and slip n slides will be the activity of choice instead of football. Also yams will be replaced by watermelons and mashed potatoes will be replaced by watermelon.

“People may complain about the heat now. But, just wait till Dec 2012. It will be a real scorcher. I mean literally hellfire. We are all excited about it,” states Mother Nature. “