Also known as Heri Cafeteria

Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why the General Assembly chose the popular cafeteria.

“First of all I want to send out my props to all the freedom fighters in cities across the US! Down with corporations, banks, the one percent, and anyone over thirty! But that’s just my opinion, not necessarily shared by any other protesters here today, right guys?
We decided to occupy The Heritage because, well, it’s getting colder outside and we need a place that has lots of seating and good food at a reasonable price. I mean, I really do ‘cause my parents are like totally hacked that I dropped out of school to occupy. Since our movement is really all about free choice we felt that the Heritage was a no brainer since everyone can choose what they want to eat from their extensive, home cooked variety of entrees, sides, and desserts.”

Suze Brenner, Assistant Manager at The Heritage, was guardedly pleased with the new customers. “They seem pretty peaceful and orderly, and really hungry! If they plan on occupying this many booths during the rush hours they’ll have to buy more than coffee, and hot tea with honey. I don’t think that will go over with the boss. Actually I tried to pass out some applications for a dishwasher position we have open, figured one of them must need a job since they’re here all the time, but so far no takers. Must be nice?”

When asked if he was in favor of occupying the restaurant, occupier Melvin Finger had this to say. “Like, we’re not positive that The Heritage isn’t a corporation so, like, The General Assembly, just to like, play it safe, said it was cool to order an entree and one side, but no dessert. Kind of a bummer since, like, I love the apple pie here. I’ll do it, like, ‘cause like, I’m in for the cause, to stop corporate greed and everything. And my girlfriend, like, put some Ho-Hos in my backpack before I like, came out this morning.”

Cage match for Greene County

Springfield MO.-  The ongoing feud between presiding Greene County Commissioner Jim Viebrock and Greene County Sheriff Jim Arnott will soon be settled when they wrestle each other in a steel cage match at the shrine mosque later next month.  What will be the main event for the night is being billed as “The Battle between the two Jimmys”.

It will feature a no holds barred, no disqualifications, winner take all match to be settled in a steel cage.  Jim “The Vivacious One” Viebrock says he can’t wait for this to be settled once and for all so he can move on to other business in Greene County.  “That Heinrich Himmler look alike has been running his mouth telling me what to do for too long.”, commented the Vivacious One. “Once we get into the ring and that door is shut he is going to find out who is really in charge in Greene County. I guarantee the people of Greene County that I am going to be there.”

Jim “The Anvil” Arnott said, “That mealy mouth smart boy has been ducking from me for too long.  He has been hiding behind his comments in the newspaper and running his pie hole on TV and radio. Once that steel door shuts there won’t be any desk to hide behind.  I guarantee my fans who are the posse, that I am going to be there.”
Other feature matches on the card include a match for the vacated Greene County Parks Director title.  The interim director Bob “The Bouncer” Belote will face from parts unknown “The Search Committee”.  “I don’t know a thing about “The Search Committee,” said “The Bouncer”.  I just hope my fans rally around the hometown boy. The one thing I can promise you is that I am going to be there.”

Divas will also be on the card. Female TV personalities from all the local stations will compete in a giant battle royal.  The winner of the match will take on the queen of Ozarks television, KY3 champion Lisa Rose for the title.  “In all honesty I hope someone that doesn’t work at KY3 wins the match,” stated “The Lovely Lisa” Rose.  “I truly love all the women that I work with.  But if that doesn’t happen and say someone like Maria Neider wins the match, I will hit her in the head with a steel chair to keep my title.  The one thing my fans can count one is that I am going to be there.”

Long causes rare quake in D.C.

Springfield, MO – According to members of his staff, US Congressman Billy Long has jumped into the Presidential Race with both feet, triggering a terrifying and destructive 5.8 magnitude earthquake in Washington, D.C. this week.

“When I heard Billy Long was now it the race, my whole body shook with fear,” said Norma Henkly who was in Richmond, VA visiting family, “only after a few moments did I realize that it wasn’t anger or fear that my skin was quivering, rather the structural terra-firma beneath our government was shifting with explosive passion a-rattling my bones.”

When reached for comment, Long shifted focus from his Earth-trembling lurching and quickly reminded
all registered voters that National Auctioneer Day is fast approaching and asked, “how much would you give to elect America’s first Auctioneer-In-Chief? Do I hear 1-hammina, 2-hammina, 3 electoral votes?!”

Officials are still looking in to whether the portly Presidential candidate’s feet hitting the ground were solely responsible for the earthquake or if the announcement itself triggered a rotating motion of our founding fathers rolling in their graves that helped contribute to the volatile shaking of American soil.

The aftershocks of Long’s announced candidacy will be felt for weeks and the impact will be global. “Long said that he didn’t want Ghadafi to get any more press coverage, so it was time to make a move now, so that focus could be placed back onto US politics. He thinks people are fed up with Ghadafi,” said one staffer.

Long’s team plans to release a Presidential campaign similar to his successful “Fed Up” approach; the new tagline is rumored to be “Shake it Up” America or alternatively “Truffle Shuffle in the Beltway”.

Tea Party Cove takes shape

Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that others when it comes to “living the American dream”.

Unfortunately for organizers, their research didn’t fully comprehend the intense level of floating debauchery at Party Cove. “When we pulled into the cove I expected citizens to be discussing reduction of national debt, not two naked men grinding on a blow up doll dressed like Michele Bachmann,” said Tea Party member Deloris Johansen, “but it was a bit humorous.”

It didn’t take long for “Tea Party Cove” to take shape. During the daylong rally, Tea Party members shared original interpretations of the United States Constitution between keg stands and bong hits with other boaters. The Federal Budget deficit was a popular topic among couples who danced to “Sweet Home Alabama” while flashing their breasts to passersby.

Other Tea Party members were amused to hear Party Cove revelers scream welcome phrases at their pontoon boat covered in American flag bunting. “They were yelling ‘show your Teas, show you Teas, show your Teas’ at us as we idled by them,” said Linda Personably, “I thought it was really endearing and welcoming.”

Tea Party members left the rally with a new meaning behind their moniker. Formerly known as “Taxed Enough Already” they now refer to themselves as “Trashed Enough Already”.

"This County is Greene" considered for motto

Springfield MO- The phrase “In God We Trust” may or may not become the official motto for Greene County. Commissioner Jim Byrock said that the county was prepared to have the phrase plastered around every empty space in all county buildings, when someone pointed out that in might be unconstitutional.

“Our committee found that ‘In God We Trust’ was passed by Congress in the 1950′s as our national motto,” said Byrock. “The problem is, the founding fathers had the phrase ‘E Pluribus Unum’ as the original national motto. To change it would require an amendment to the constitution. So the law passed is illegal. This really puts us in a pickle so we are asking help from the public.”

Byrock considered going back to our roots and using “E Pluribus Unum ” but nobody seems to know what that means. The best they could come up with is an old Greek saying meaning “No Public Restrooms.” Other suggestions are being considered for the new motto. The leading contender is taken from the statue of Liberty. “Give us your tired, your sick, your poor, your unemployed, your people with disease, your people with odd hats, and the people that talk funny and we will try to do something with them.”

One motto possibility is taken from the TV series sitcom from the 1970′s “What’s Happening?” is “Hey,Hey,Hey!” “Using that one would get everyone’s attention. That is a strong candidate,” confessed to Byrock. Keeping a local theme, another motto being thought of is “Springfield. Gateway to Branson. We hope you brought lots of money.” “That one says it all!” said Byrock.

Man prepares to pay bills with a chicken

Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments.  Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef.

“Seeing how property goes up and down depending on the marketplace, we thought payments should reflect that as well.  The obvious things of value that people have besides property is gold and ground beef.”, said Kissington.  “Payments will be simple.  People will just come by the Assessors office and drop off their rings, bracelets, and necklaces.  If they have gold teeth, we will have staff on site to extract them.  If they bring in some ground round, we will put it in the deep freeze and auction it off later along with unpaid taxes due on personal property.  Our goal is not have anyone pay taxes above fair market value.”

Kissington told FCN that the Assessors office explored other payment options before deciding on gold and ground beef.  “Frankly, the number one option we had was that people gave up their first born son.  But after thinking about it, we figured that was too Jewish of an idea for this area.  We as a government institution can do more with gold and ground beef anyway.”

Homeowner Joe Publicer was pleased with the new payment plan.  “Heck, I got unused jewelry I don’t wear anymore and I don’t know how to turn them into cash.  I glad the government will take of that for me.  I also got a couple of teeth that need to be yanked.  The best part is that I have a freezer full of ground chuck that I’ll never eat since I’m now a vegan.  I’m going to come out ahead on this deal and save cash money.  It could have been worse, they could have asked for gasoline as payment only instead of the rotten teeth and old meat that I got.”

Sea Monkeys take over useless farmland

Cape Girardeau, MO- The federal government allotted 130,000 acres of Missouri farm land to be transformed to a sea monkey reserve. This week, the Army Corps of Engineers blew a hole in the nearby levee, flooding thousands of acres of useless farmland to make a perfect habitat for oceanus monkius (commonly known as the sea monkey). Now the gentle non-giants can live in peace without any fear of poachers or anything larger than a thumb tack.

“Sure, some farmers may be upset, but these creatures deserve a place of their own. Now they will no longer have to live in tiny plastic aquariums on children’s desks amidst action figures and baseball gloves. Now these aqua apes have all the room they need,” states Ian Rush, leader of the SMPA (Sea Monkey Protection Agency).

Not only was the land flooded, but hundred of pounds of turquoise gravel was poured around the area to give the monkeys a more homey feel. Numerous castles where also placed randomly in the old farm land. Other decorations include destroyed farm houses, ruined crops, and cow skeletons.

“Hell yeah I am pissed,” said a local farmer. “I don’t see why I have to let those damn water chimps live on my land. Now I have to go back to my old job, system analyst at a Fortune 500 company.

The monkeys are planned to be relocated sometime next month after the federal government kills all the remaining Bin Laden clones.

Paul the Nixa Hellhound releases birth certificate to confirm existence

Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day.

“Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He is a mythical creature that prowls Christian County, he does consume cattle and is in fact a hound that originated in or near Hell, hence his unusual yet descriptive surname,” said his publicist Harry Henderson.

In an interview with news anchor Joe Daues, Paul said, “I just want to put this silliness to rrrrr-eeest.” Henderson said the long-form birth certificate will hopefully end speculation regarding the Hellhound’s certifiable existence and will force doubters to acknowledge his presence.

The document contained real doctor signatures and confirmed the birth mother and father of Paul. “Paul is the product of a demon and a dog, his mother Miss Buttons actually gave birth to him and his father Lucifer was present at the time of birth,” confirmed Henderson.

Local farmer Joel McDermittbun said, “Well, now I know I ain’t crazy. I done seen that rascal take away a monkey and an alpaca that I had tied up in my yard. Guess I can go ahead and claim that with my insurance agent.”

The Hellhound’s birth certificate was provided via a special dispensation from Hades and was stamped with an official seal of the Beast.

This is Sparta, MO!

Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand watch over the 40’ wide entrance to hell.

Unofficial results show 79 yes votes to 39 no votes. An opponent of the measure Ken Ulimont said, “This is blasphemy! This is madness!” However, according to the water superintendent the city’s water tower isn’t big enough to continue to supply the area.  The money from the sale of the bonds will pay for a new 300,000 gallon water tower, three times the capacity of Sparta’s current tower.

The Mayor of Sparta released a statement for all citizens saying, “A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and all will know, that 79 Spartans gave their vote to defend it! Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty… For tonight, we drink and defecate in hell!

Anna Gentry, a long time resident of the town said, “It is not a question of what a Spartan citizen should do, nor a husband, nor a king. Instead, ask yourself, what should a free man vote for?” Supporters of the improvement painted signs, sent email messages and even phoned voters to spread the “Give them nothing! But take from them everything!” campaign message to help usher in the water and sewer system.

To celebrate the passage, a huge hootenanny is planned for tonight on the outskirts of Sparta. “Unless I miss my guess,” said Gentry, “we’re in for one wild night.”

Remember this day, Sparta, for it will be yours for all time.

Local man makes articulate comment online

Springfield, MO – It was just a normal Tuesday for Steven Jones, a business owner and reader of newspapers from Ozark, Mo. But then a newspaper story about school budgets caught his eye, and he decided to post a comment online. This is when Jones’ life changed forever.

“This is the sort of scenario we plan for, but never truly expect will come to pass,” says Sharon Englewater, newspaper spokesperson. “Steven Jones, known as Jones417 on local message boards, spoke with such kindness and humility–all the while using correct grammar–that we at first thought his comment must have been spam.” Englewater notes a conspicuous absence of frequently commented words such as “communist socialist” or “liberal conspiracy” or “anything Glenn Beck has ever said” in Jones’ comment.

The newspaper’s content management system was so unaccustomed to such a post, in fact, that the entire website was shut down for two hours. ”Eventually we determined that Jones417 is a real person and his comment–though it contained no spelling errors and not one threat to his neighbors–was genuine,” Englewater reports. “We even tried our squiggliest random text spam filter, the kind that looks like it was written by a drunk toddler wearing a blindfold. And he passed.”

English teachers and librarians all over the region have started a Steven Jones fan club to celebrate his syntax and tact. Others are less impressed. “Yeah I don’t see what the big deal is about it,” begins a post penned by Jo Stephens, a frequent commenter on the site and self-proclaimed local whistleblower. “It’s obvious to anybody whose paying attention that this guy is some elite spy, sent down here by Obama to teach us how to talk and think and take away our guns.”

When contacted for comment, Jones replied, “I don’t quite understand what all the fuss is about. Had I known that simply stating my opinion would earn me this much attention, I might have kept my big mouth shut. Other levelheaded, reasonable commenters out there should take note.” Judging by the comment threads in the days since the incident, it’s clear they already have.