"Sorry!" says Mother Nature

Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving.

The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and orange leaves was misplaced under a stack of papers, therefore was never sent out. The pumpkins and apple cider division was plagued with revolving door managers and ridiculous turn over. Also inexperienced interns never got around getting bids for corn and squash.

“We are so sorry to the people of the Ozarks,” states Mother Nature. “We are trying to get out act together. We are planning a short Fall, and catching up in Winter. Spring 2012 should be right on schedule.”

Springfield citizens are planning to make adjustments to their fall events. Halloween costumes for males will mostly be swimmer dudes, Tarzan, and underwear model. Due to their all ready short shirts and low cut tops, women costumes will still be slutty nurse, slutty school girl, slutty ghost, and slutty prostitutes.

For Thanksgiving, turkeys will be barbequed on the grill (or sidewalk) and slip n slides will be the activity of choice instead of football. Also yams will be replaced by watermelons and mashed potatoes will be replaced by watermelon.

“People may complain about the heat now. But, just wait till Dec 2012. It will be a real scorcher. I mean literally hellfire. We are all excited about it,” states Mother Nature. “

Man mistakenly drinks from boiling water fountain at MSU

Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours
are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show
upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located)
are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but
now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno.

“I am so excited about college,” stated Megan Colliers. “The
freedom, the parties, the challenging classes… I am also excited
about the 3rd degree burns I got while walking from Strong to
Craig Hall.”

The smell of scorched flesh was not the only horror witnessed
on the tour.

“One of my group members just went nuts,” stated Carl Nickels, a SOAR leader. “He tore off his shirt and jumped into the fountain. He didn’t know that the fountain has been a boiling cauldron of water and dead birds since June. I mean the water shooting out is now white hot geysers.”

Mary Chambers, a parent of a future student said, “I wanted my son to go to MSU because it was a dry campus. I didn’t think “dry” meant Dantesque hell’s cape of burning grass and red hot concrete. Luckily I had a fanny pack filled with bottled water so I was fine…until the sand storm hit.”

Other problems of the heat include flaming squirrels jumping from tree to tree, bike wheels melting to the bike path, and the windows from Strong Hall acting as a magnifying glass which focuses so much heat it set summer school students on fire. “We are trying every we can to cool down the campus, states a spokesman from MSU. “We are flooding the first 4 floors of Hammonds Hall to make an underwater wonderland, replacing all statues with ice sculptures, and mandatory, hourly wet T-shirt contests.”

This man has been falling down the stairs for days

Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed.

Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to open and close and his arms opened painfully slow to emphasis the severity of his slow motion existence. His arms reached their intended position 3 minutes after the initial action was initiated.

Local authorities are responding to the life-draining crisis caused by the heat. All firefighters and police have been dispatched as of last week, however, most personnel have yet to make it to their vehicles.

Meteorologists for the area predict that the baking sun’s rays will continue to rob Ozarkians of a normal lifestyle for the remainder of the week. People are encouraged to plan far in advance as most daily activities will take weeks if not months to accomplish under these circumstances.

Table Rock Lake dries after 42-minute drought

Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks.

“I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After minute eight I was wondering what was going to happen. I mean was it going to ever rain again? I was starting to see roads instead of water covered paths. What kind of world is that?”

The drought led to riots and hoarding of supplies.

“The skies stopped the continuous, torrential downpour! We may never drink again,” screamed a quick-footed and un-named man has he ran out of Walmart with arms filled with bottles of water.

Other effects of the drought are fishermen having to leave their sidewalk habitats, scuba diving equipment no longer needed to visit lower levels of buildings, and only one waterfall at Bass Pro Outdoor World instead of the previous 4.

Luckily aid was given from Kenya after 30 minutes of the trying ordeal.

“We thought it would be good to give back to Springfield after surviving our own drought,” said Kenya Ambassador Contee Hoopja, “Granted our shortage of water lasted years upon years, but who are we to judge?”

Local naked man's rooftop taunt stops rain

Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain.

Naysmith was called away from work to tend to his flooding basement and spent 9 hours sucking away water in an attempt to destroy the life-sustaining liquid aided by only a puny 8-gallon shop vac, and two Sham-Wow! towels that were as useless as pitchman Vince Offer.

After hours stuck in a vicious cyclone of torture consisting of: securing water-dumping water-seeing water seep back into his home, Naysmith lost his mind, stripped off his clothing and climbed his roof to curse the wicked deities who douched the Ozarks with impunity.

“Yeah, I think my neighbors might think it was a little awkward, but after I tempted the Olympian shitheads who were pounding us with H20, the rain let up and in fact stopped for the night,” said Naysmith, “I do regret that I had to climb off my roof naked. That was a bit difficult and I slipped a couple of times and dirtied my birthday suit.”

Naysmith contends that he should have made his stand earlier in the day and calls on all people to consider this act of defiance the next time the clouds don’t close up after 48 hours of precipitation. “Hey rain is good, but too much of it can drive a naked man up a shake shingle roof,” he confessed.

Another beautiful day in the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October.

“The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and kill your friends and family,” said a spokesperson at the Convention and Visitor’s Bureau.

Twisters usually account for terrorizing 3 mobile homes a day in the Ozarks, and are frequently blamed for misplacing meth labs. Weather crews at all local television and radio stations celebrate the start of the season by attending Tornada-palooza where new weather phenomenon terms are defined for the coming season.

“Last year at the ‘conference’ we introduced ‘straight line winds’ which was awesome, really gave us something else to say over the course of half a year reporting on tornadoes in the area,” said a KSPR weather reporter, “This year we came away with ‘twisted air currents’, however ‘jumbly clouds’, ‘wrapping winds’ and ‘inconsiderate atmospheric pressure’ were also approved for limited use.”

Tornado-palooza is held each April 1^st at Table Rock Lake where attendees share storm stories, discussed the last time they were F-5ed and are introduced to new weather tracking technology like the Forecaster 10 or F-Ten or simply the F-10.

Ozark area residents are expected to endure a long tornado season with lots of overly excited weather reporters interrupting their favorite television show at the slightest hint of “twisted air currents” over the next several months.

The ball of an angel

Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out on all the news website chat rooms and not have any funny jokes on their wives falling out of bed or their hound dogs going crazy.

However, new evidence reveals the cause of the earthquake is more bizarre than many of the people originally interviewed on the matter.  Says local resident Olive Entrash, “I always told me kiddos that the thunder wuz just angels bowling to keep them from being skeerd of a storm. When I woke up and looked outside after the storm, why, there was a giant bowling ball on top of the burned out trailer in back!”

USGS experts have now made the statement that no it was not a earthquake, but merely an angel had dropped his giant bowling ball. Seems this fable of angels bowling is apparently a fact. This Holy Ball has now become quite the tourist attraction boosting the only local business – Guy’s Gas and Grub.

“People have no where else to use the potty so we have enforced a “No Pee Is Free” rule making them buy something first.” said the owner. “Its just a good business practice.” So far no angel has claimed the ball. However, the local priest reported that God spoke to him in a dream and ensured him that the angel who dropped the ball had points deducted and was banned from the Heavenly Lanes for a bit.

After White Witch slain, warm weather returns

Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch.

The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of her dark powers, but many speculate it is due to her connection to other famed witches as Abigal Williams, Harry Potter, Elphaba, and Martha Stewart.

“We just all fed up with it,” explains Josh Lowenstein. “We knew that as long as we are under her power my kids were never going to make it to school. I work at home, I can’t have those brats home all day pretending my stapler was a laser blaster and my computer was Pokedex.” An angry mob, armed with torches and pitchforks, broke into the witch’s house, tied her to a stake, burned her alive, fed her to a lion at the local zoo, then dropped a house on the lion, just to be sure.

“Sure, we would love to have an epic battle with prophesied heroes and various mythical creatures. But, who has time for all that? We just broke into her house and killed her,” said mob leader Karl Shepburn.

Now that the evil temptress has been vanquished Springfieldians can enjoy warmer temperatures, going to picnics, and seeing grass.

Pawned gold is a precious commodity during snowstorms

Springfield MO.-   With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.”  Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times.  “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, said Mike Snoozeman of Walmart.  “We have been swamped, people are buying milk, toilet paper, and frozen pizza.  You know the essentials.”

There apparently is another essential that people are buying and is going unnoticed by the media.  FCN has learned that there is also a run on gold and that every pawn shop and jewelry store in Springfield is sold out.  William Travesty of Travesty Jewelers reports that he has never seen anything like it in his 35 years of doing business.  “Normally our biggest times for sales are Christmas and Valentines day.  But with all this snow coming down people have been coming in and buying anything we had that was gold.”, he said.  “The fact is I am sold out and everyone else I know that sells gold is sold out too.  I will get new gold product in next week but customers seem to want it now and they leave here panic stricken.”

Jed Bodine of Ozark told FCN his reason for hording gold.  “Last ice storm we had, I thought I had everything to get by.  I had food, water,a generator, fuel for heat, everything you would want and enough of it to so I wouldn’t have to leave the house for 2 years.  But something was missing and that was gold.  I realized that I may have massive amounts of alcohol and granola bars but I really needed gold to get me by these hard times.  So this time I am fixed up.  I got a sack of double cheese burgers, a flashlight and a gorgeous gold necklace so bring on the snow!!”

Ozarkians who've lost their effin' minds line up to purchase toilet paper in bulk to ride out the snownado

Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds.

“I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” screamed Ricky Hickey of Buffalo, MO. The major storm bearing down on the area has incited a blizzard warning and the National Guard has been activated to secure the situation should it get out of hand.

Sgt. Major Flint Gadstone said, “If we see a large amount of accumulation, we are prepared to fire acidic rockets into the storm to combat crystal formations which will reduce the assault of snow on our cities. We also have a laser. It is a big one and we can’t wait to use it to melt wicked cool shapes into things.”

Governor Jay Nixon has declared the Ozarks chockfull of snow-fearing psychos and emergency managers are preparing for a disaster zone. Grocers reported an insane amount of purchasing activity and convenience stores are experiencing a heavy amount of traffic selling more gasoline than one could huff from six socks.

Amanda Quillow slobbered, “It’s a snowicide! The snow will melt away your skin unless you purchase canned goods and surgically implant them into your upper intestine! Jack Frost you stick it in your stormtracker! Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Should only a small amount of snow sprinkle the area, neighbors and friends are willing to forgive the effed’ up antics of their loved ones. “Hey, it’s not everyday a giant snowicane produces thundersnow that will strip off your scalp if you don’t have appropriate head gear. Might as well live it up…gotta run, I need some grind rock salt into my palms in case I am forced to army crawl though 20 inches of snow back to my house,” stammered Vickey Richmond of Salem, MO.