Mike McMichaelson motivational speaker

The big reunion is coming up.  The year was 1991 and other than the obvious 40lbs I have gained since my high school graduation, I look a lot like I did back in the day.  Of course, things have changed a bit.  I haven’t worn a turtle neck under a button down shirt in a while or tight-rolled my jeans.  It has been some time since I cracked out the high top Reeboks, jam shorts and Ocean Pacific (OP if you are cool) shirts.  I rarely listen to my Huey Lewis cassette tapes anymore.  I no longer have a crush on Tiffany…still don’t know her last name either.  The one thing that still remains the same though…if I found the New Kids on the Block, I would kick their asses…all of them including that really tiny kid.  I may not have looked good then but man did I smell good.  There was a 6 year period that I sprayed enough Polo and Obsession cologne on myself to choke a hog and yet, all these years later, I realize that this was not the key to effective courting.  This chapter in our lives is typically riddled with a lot of emotions along with a lot of dry humping…it is fair to say that we really didn’t know what we were doing but were anxious to try.   I am sure there is some hot shot out there that started working out a few months ago so he could make a “good showing” at the reunion…not me.  The popularity contest ended years ago and I wasn’t the winner.  I think the motivational moment here would be…and this is for everyone young and old…enjoy all the days of your youth because you will get fatter and most likely less attractive…on a brighter note, however, now you can use Facebook to creep around and see who is even fatter and less attractive than you to make you feel better.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike Michaelson

FCN Investigates uncovered a very different story. John’s Mr. Zippy’s Express Wash is, in fact, run by the International Penguin Syndicate headquartered in Madagascar. This shadow organization is the same group responsible for penguin propaganda like March of the Penguins and Happy Feet and is “employing” people all over the county to offer legitimacy to their enterprises like snow cone stands, hipster polo shirts and book publishing. These car washes are considered part of their second tier operations to work themselves into every community.

This investigation spans several states.

“For decades we couldn’t get a fair shake anywhere” says our source who asked to be called Joe Tuxedo.  “How is a penguin supposed to get a business license, pass a safety inspection, coach a hockey team? Sure we can charm the pants off people, but in a business situation we needed a face that people would recognize, like on a person. So we took advice from the mermaids that run Starbucks and got some, people that is.”

“Humans can’t even find a job these days, so our ensla…uh, employment of them is a win win situation. All we did was reverse the order of the names on the sign, add in a lot of apostrophes and bingo we are in business,” Tuxedo said with a snap of the fin.

Repeated attempts to contact “John” of Mr. Zippy’s only resulted in messages being left on a series of answering machines and one garbled hang up on this reporter’s voicemail.

Patrons like Liz Field say they are mostly interested in the results. “Whoever is doing the washing here, my 20s really gleam now. That’s just good business”

Hopping down off his block of ice in the rear room of Vance Refrigeration, Tuxedo said, “That’s where this story ends, if you know what’s good for you” and left pressing coupons for five free car washes into my hand. “That’ll get you back to Springfield.”

Mr. Zippy’s Manta Profile

John’s Mr. Zippy’s Express Wash in Springfield, MO is a private company categorized under Car Washing and Polishing. Current estimates show this company has annual revenue of 58,000 and employs a staff of approximately 2.

actually have shows about it.  These shows, in a way, glorify the “big people.”

These shows take a bunch of fatties that have obviously been “living large” and now

are crying about it…all the while, the skinny [bitchy] little trainers get off on

pushing Plumpy McPlumperton to the limit…now that is entertainment.  Sure some of

it is heredity but somewhere along the way someone ate one too many Krispy Creme

Donuts.  Hey, I am not in “tip top” condition, however, I do have some self control.

I try to eat cashew chicken only once a week and I usually split the pack of Little

Debbie snack cakes…if it has two cakes and I have a wing man.  Let’s face it, with

every generation comes the one or two unnecessary pounds that puts our great nation

on the verge of considerable obesity.  I suppose, however, what makes us great is

our ability to overlook such iniquities through self justification…somehow through

all the ugliness someone made fat into phat, which actually means good…not just

good, but great.  Here is your motivational moment…skip the new years resolution

to lose weight, go to the big and tall shop and be done with it…big is in.  Oh

yeah, California is out…they are banning Happy Meals…traitors.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

It is as if every teenage girl wants to look like a woman of the night and even more disturbing, their parents are condoning this behavior.  Here is a news flash mom and dad…this is sick and wrong.  I remember when kids used to dress up like Minnie Mouse or Cinderella…if you don’t tone the clothes down a bit; Mickey and the Prince that live on the next cul-de-sac will be dry humping these two by midnight.

I am all for an adult women trying to “show it off” but what I see in the streets is more like an outtake from the soft-core porn version of The Wizard of Oz where the crazed munchkin women are out on the prowl.

Ok, let’s find some sanity here.  This is Halloween not “Pretty Woman” so let’s get back to what made Halloween great…the hot cider, the bobbing for apples, the cherry faces of children trick or treating at your door and, most importantly, where tricks are jokes we play each other…nothin’ more.

Your Motivational Moment: This Halloween try dressing like a Transformer, not a transvestite.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

As I left my house early one Sunday morning, I drove by one of the many establishments of ill repute here in Springfield and, as usual, I saw a number of automobiles left behind.  Remnants, no less, of a good time gone bad and a sign that there will be patrons coming back on the Sabbath to claim what is there’s and confirm what we already know to be true…in the glory of that Saturday night, something went terribly wrong.  In a moment, someone went from daddy’s little girl to the neighborhood hussy…or, better yet, they are now sporting a brand new tattoo of the lochness monster on the small of their back…neither of which is going to make the old man proud.  Sure, we all like to have a good time, but where do we draw the line??  It is different for everyone I suppose…for some, drunk dialing their grandma at 2:30 am might be the all-important revelation of taking things too far. Certainly, finding that wing sauce in your hair (wait, that’s not wing sauce) coupled with that feeling of basic animalistic desire to chew your own arm off before waking your new found love and sharing that all too familiar awkward moment together could warrant a serious look at your “after midnight” decision making.  All too often, though, that is all forgotten by the following Friday when new weekend plans are being made.

Motivation:

Seriously, I applaud you for not driving but Fricken A, if you aren’t in any condition to take your car, your night is over.  Maybe give the cabbie a few extra bones to make a late night taco bell run, but give it up. One motivating thought that is the ironic but defining truth about drinking too much…what looks good late at night looks bad in the light…

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

It is a place where young lovers make regretful decision with each other…a place where people with absolutely no talent can sing and people will cheer…a place where you see “carny folk” clamoring about like little elves the night before christmas (only dirtier and toothless) with their goal, different from the elves of course, to take as much money from you as possible and capitalize on your gluttony…a place where the dollars flow from your pocket like wine as you continue to pay dollar after dollar to win a large, filthy stuffed duck that cost about 25c…ah yes…the fair.

As I look back at my life here in the Ozarks and reflect on the many times I have been to the Ozark Empire Fair, I feel a sense of pride.  Pride that can only come from a place deep down inside where the twisted remains from a foot-long corn dog and jug of root beer churn a desire to keep going back year after year after year.  I guess at the end of the day, maybe I am not so different from all those folks that turn up every year…I mean sure I shower almost daily and basically practice decent hygiene, but we share a common thread that is wound together by a basic desire to spend at least one night a year being who we really are…animals.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Everyday, I see things that make me stop and say, “Frickin’ A.”  For those who like to abbreviate, FA would be fine.  Let me elaborate.  When I am driving and let someone into traffic ahead of me and they don’t give me a courtesy wave…Frickin’ A!  When I am at a restaurant and see one of the kitchen staffers take a pee in the bathroom and walk right out without washing his hands…right passed the sign that says “all employees must wash their hands before returning to work”…Frickin’ A right?

When I see some couple at the fair that has 9 kids and all of them are walking around barefoot with cotton candy ridden faces and fingers…Frickin’ A.  Some people prefer other made up acronyms like OMG or WTF…I like these but frankly, Frickin’ A is my favorite.  A simple spin off from a most distinguished cuss word coupled with a less dastardly word derived from a miniature horse-looking creature, Frickin’ A is a great way to express one’s inner feelings without offending anyone.

Come on…say it…feels good doesn’t it?  So today when someone takes the last cup of coffee from the coffee pot in your office break room and doesn’t starting a new pot…say it…Frickin’ A!!!  Or, when your uncle comes to visit and forgets to put the pot lid up…should you really blame him…should you chalk it up to it being dark or him just simply having bad aim…no way dude…Frickin’ A.  Happy or Sad, Frustrated or Mad…let Frickin’ A into your life…you won’t regret it.

Keep em’ coming and Frickin’ watch em’ go…

Yours truly,

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Motivational Columnist/Speaker

I went to a nice restaurant recently…that will remain unnamed…and it came to my attention that some people here in Springfield really think they are a “big deal.”  Seriously, let me remind all of you, we are a far cry from the “big city” and in this Podunk town, there is no such thing…being a “big deal” that is.

Sure, we have more franchise restaurants than any city in the world but have you seen or heard the local car dealership commercials…I mean come on, are these people serious?  When I go out on the town and see what I like to call the “beautiful people,” it makes me ill.  Some people want so badly to believe that in Springfield there is some kind of “high society” but at the end of the day, we still have more cashew chicken restaurants than fine dining and it is still a big deal when your neighbor gets a boob job…like who really cares.  It is our nature to want to keep up with the Jones’ here in Springfield and thus our desire to try and keep up with the big city folk.  Whether you like it or not though, we have  none of the really good franchise restaurants, no Costco, no Whole Foods and you can drive in any direction and get to a tattoo parlor or a flea market in under 5 minutes.

Sure, I am not a “big time columnist” and I am obviously “not that attractive” and I’m “not even that great a writer” and I “don’t typically bath daily,” but I do know my place and that is here in good ole’ Springfield, Mo.  Honestly, I love it here because it is a small town.  This is to all you “big timers” out there…wake up and smell the Folgers…the only difference between you and the people in…say…Spokane, is…well…about 15 to 20 miles.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Yours Truly,
Mr. Mike McMichealson

Motivational Columnist/Speaker

Ah yes, the Youth of America.  Let’s consider what we have to look forward to shall we?

Been to the DMV lately?  Well, let’s just say those folks don’t look so bad compared to the tattoo ridden, lip-ring wearing counter clerk at my neighborhood Subway. I hate to generalize—I mean, I am sure your kids are great—but for the most part, these kids today basically have no respect for authority, wouldn’t know the first thing about hard work and probably, at the end of the day, only care about one thing…themselves.

On the other hand, those are the same qualities that have driven me to become the only self-proclaimed motivational columnist in the Queen City…that is Springfield for all of you “out-of-towners.”

Listen, alls I am saying is, a lot kids aren’t ambitious, they don’t take care of themselves, they smell funny, are basically rude and most of them look like something out of a bad 80′s film.  What are they trying to prove?  We knew how to drink, smoke and get our girlfriends pregnant too, but back when we were growing up it was a bad thing…now, if you play your cards right, you get yourself a reality show.

Only a keen eye for detail would reveal what seems to be an unfortunate reality…the youth of America are much like its politicians…they love the attention but don’t really make a whole lot of sense most of the time.

So how do we motivate our youth you ask? I would say to the parents out there spank your kids in public regardless of their age and I mean hard, really make it sting. Whether your kids are 7 or 17, nothing like a good smack on the ass from Mom or Dad to put a kid back in his or her place. Remember, many times the true essence of motivation begins with humiliation.

As always, keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Yours Truly,

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Mike McMichealson

Motivational Columnist/Speaker

You know how sometimes you can’t get people to do what you want them to do. I tell people what to do for a living so hear me when I say….don’t take no for an answer. Motivation is ultimately born out of a willingness and eagerness to be a raging know-it-all and better yet, in having the ability to put people down.

There are 5 essential catch phrases to keep in mind if someone should have the audacity to disagree with you…remember, motivating those around you means being right and making sure everyone knows it.

1. “Dude, that is just plain stupid”…When you play the stupid card there are two options, the other party involved can either dispute your claim or cower down. Since most people are typically non-confrontational, they probably won’t pick a fight. This lack of action will reinforce the fact that you are right whether you are or not. If they don’t cower down, kick their ass…right in front of everyone.
2. “Seriously…no seriously”…A smirk or a slight smile with this one will help send the message to this person and the crowd that you are the man.
3. “Please, like duh…come on chief”…Calling someone “chief” in a sarcastic tone in front of others sends the message that you don’t like them, their opinion and probably, not even their family. I would suggest a good “fake laugh” and potentially even a slight pat on the back as you walk past as a nice post-put down touch.
4. “What a crock you frickin’ dip wad”…This is a little more harsh but sends the right message. Nobody is certain what the definition of the work “crock” really is, which will work to your advantage. If you act like you know what it is and they don’t, you have the upper hand and can move on to something like…”You are way off” or my favorite “Why don’t you cry about it fatty.”
5. “Wow, you might just win an award for that one…LOSER!”…Usually it will help to make some kind of spectacle when saying the word “loser”. I would suggest throwing your hands in the air, pointing to the sky and then closing the moment with a forceful pat on the buttocks.

In closing, I would just encourage you to stick to your guns. Remember, it is not about developing relationships…what a crock right? Being right is all about…well…about being right…right?

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Yours Truly,
Mr. Mike McMichealson