Google Fiber is pumped into homes, helping users go 100x faster than before

Springfield, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”.

“Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at Missouri State University.

According to its website, Google is looking for communities to try an ultra-high speed fiber product to help control irritable download symptoms. Several benefits are listed online for interested municipalities, however, Google is mainly concerned with number 2: plumbing an underground fiber product into homes to remove gummy Internet substances that only act as browsing roughage.

Under the new program, users will be able to go 100 times faster than what most Americans are capable of today. “That’s a shat-ton faster than what I’m used to cranking out when I sit down,” said Julie Simmons, an avid downloader of music.

Google plans to add fiber to select communities slowly at first to avoid problems with Internet hiccups. Exposure to an abundance of fiber while surfing the web without proper hydration by users can create an obstruction and require medical attention.

“The Fiber Communities project can ease certain downloading disorders when applied properly. If you have Internet problems, consult your doctor before adding a fiber supplement to your browsing lifestyle,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt.

Hickory Hills will be de-booger-fied before retail space is available for merchants

Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years.

“You never know where a wad of slimy goodness from the nose might show up in a school, believe me I should know,” said Floyd Cashman, a longtime school janitor.

Once the over-the-hill crusty snot rockets have been removed, flashy retail businesses plan to move in to set up shop. The former cafeteria will feature a food court complete with a California Pizza Kitchen, Sprinkles, and an In-N-Out Burger. CrossFit plans to open a new location utilizing the pull up bars, track and locker rooms.

One company has agreed to move offices into the space. 3M plans to move researchers across the highway into the science and chemistry rooms. “The facility came equipped with Petri dishes and Bunsen burners so most of our infill needs were already met. We’ll be glad to have the new space – once the snot buckets are removed – so close to our existing Springfield location,” said a company spokesperson.

Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage plans to use the existing hallway lockers as storage and will store anything for the low cost of $10.99 a month.

“Since placing this property on the market in 2006, we believed it would be a prime location for retail development,” said Superintendent Norm Ridder. “We are pleased that in addition to the sale price, the school district may also benefit from future sales tax and property tax revenue.”

Springfield's Lil' Tombstone Neighborhood

Springfield, MO—The business district north of Glenstone and Sunshine, unofficially known as Lil’ Tombstone, has officially been awarded the “Best Themed Business Zone” for 2010. Lil’ Tombstone businesses include Coyote’s Adobe Café, Ben’s Carriage House, Midnight Cowboy, Herradura Mexican Restaurant and The Pony Club.

Lil’ Tombstone offers Springfieldians the opportunity to hitch their horse at Ben’s Carriage House, bust open the saloon doors at Midnight Cowboy, cross the border into ol’ me-hi-co at Herradura, howl at the desert moon at Adobe’s then visit the dancing girls at Pony. “Where else can you get a cowboy-like atmosphere without leaving the city limits of Springfield?” asked local wanna-be cowboy Luke Stifford.

Business owners who make Lil’ Tombstone a reality take great care to provide services similar to those found in 19^th century Tombstone, Arizona. “We like to think of our small strip of real estate as a time capsule, a glimpse into how things were back in the old west,” said the owner of Herradura Mexican Restaurant.

Lil’ Tombstone business owners hope the “Best Themed Business Zone” award will increase recognition within the community and build interest in what they have been cultivating over the past several years.

The Springfield Convention and Visitors Bureau released a statement saying, “Little Italy, Little Chicago, Chinatown, these places all have a strong cultural resonance with visitors. We believe that one day soon, Lil’ Tombstone will receive the same sort of attention from consumers and become a hot cultural mecca for tourists as well as locals native to the area.”

Road crews work to secure highway name for older, more creative liar

Jefferson City, MO—Mark McGwire highway could be renamed after another famous Missourian who told tall tales and spun a web of lies to achieve fame and fortune; Mark Twain.

“Why do we always got to name a highway after someone who isn’t exactly telling the truth?” pondered one Springfield native as he placed a brown paper bag over a parking meter.

Supporter Tom Richards said, “Technically, the stories Mark Twain wrote were classified as fiction. They were works of art. Sure McGwire took creative license with his description of performance enhancing substances, but it is not the same. One lie was told to cover up illegal drug use, Mark Twain was simply entertaining…us…with…his…lies. Hey, maybe the do share some similarities after all. McGwire’s home run chase was very exciting!”

Those opposed to the renaming say that naming a highway after a man is fine, but they’d prefer the use of Mark Twain’s real name Samuel Clemens.  “Why do we have to perpetuate another lie by naming our roadway after a man who lied about his own name?” said Shirley Dibbles. “It just seems as if we’re sending the wrong message.”

“I’m here to talk about the past and to read lies written from the past,” said George Henning, a supporter for the renaming effort.

The Missouri senate in a unanimous vote recently approved going from the lies of the great American pastime to the lies of the Great American Novelist. Other proposed names for the stretch of Interstate 70 included “Liar’s Highway”, “Prevaricator Parkway”, and “Missourians Named Mark Who Profit From Lies Lane”.

This woman will be severely taxed under the new proposal, up to twenty dollars per wrinkle

Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.

“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the government thinks it is bad for me, I’ll be going there to fake bake while chewing tobacco, smoking a cigar and scratching off my lottery tickets,” said local bad-boy Rod Stevens as he punched a kitten.

Local tax auditor Bill Emhard said, “taxing tanning beds only confirms the popularity of the practice. All good things in life are taxed; beer, smokes, gas, firearms, ammunition, phone cards, dirty magazines. Hey if it makes you feel good, Uncle Sam wants a piece of it.”

Tanning bed owner Red Cheeks has seen tanning reservations jump since news of the new tax hit the streets. “I’ve had numerous people book several sessions for this week, some have multiple appointments in one day. Everyone wants to get their tanning in before the price hike.”

Opponents to the tax include local cosmetic surgery centers who claim that if tanning is taxed, more people will be discouraged from the practice, thus limiting their customer base. “Who’s going to come to us for wrinkle reductions?” pondered Mark E. Raser, a local physician.

Once legislation allows, one owner is looking to add a medicinal marijuana pharmacy to his tanning salon so he can bring in additional income to cover the tanning tax. He plans to rename his businesses “Get High and Fry”.

Politicians see the tanning tax issue fading once over time once people become accustomed to the fee increases. Other taxable activities proposed include walking in the sunshine, looking at the sun directly, use of a sundial, and drinking sun-cured teas.

Local man runs several red lights before impacting a nitrogen tank

Springfield, MO—Erve Hollins, a local resident, celebrated the Missouri Supreme Court’s unanimous decision to strike down use of red light video/still camera enforcement systems by running as many red lights as possible today.

The landmark decision forced the City of Springfield to immediately disable all of its traffic law monitoring equipment and invalidates hundreds of dollars in red-light violation fines.

Hollins said, “I paid my red light fine last month and now they tells me I can’t get a refund, so I’m running every red light I come across to get my money’s worth, yeee-haw!”

Chief Judge Herb Westerbrook of the U.S. 7th Circuit Court of Appeals wrote last year in a decision validating the constitutionality of the safety camera program: “While no one has a fundamental right to run a red light, certain citizens will take it upon themselves to test the system.”

At last count, Hollins had run through red lights at all 11 intersections that formerly would have captured his municipal ordinance violations, some locations multiple times.

Witnesses reported seeing a man waiting through a green light before hurdling through intersections defiantly shaking his fist in the air as he blew through the traffic signals.

“I saw a dude screaming down the road, windows down, in his beat-up 1984 P.O.S. truck and he was listening to Van Halen’s ‘I can’t drive 55’. He screeched to a halt at the green light at Glenstone and Sunshine. Then when the light turned red he gunned it and screamed ‘catch me now you motha’ burners!’” said Francine Kilborn.

While refueling his vehicle, Hollins was informed that intersection safety camera programs improve traffic safety by reducing red-light running, which causes crashes, injuries and deaths. Hollins reportedly laughed hysterically, pulled away from the pump with the hose still in his car, ran through the closest red light, swerved to miss a car and impacted the canister of nitrogen at Glenstone and Seminole exploding his truck into a huge fireball.

The City of Springfield tentatively plans to hire a sketch artist to capture the faces of drivers seen violating traffic laws such as red light violations until the cameras can be reactivated.

Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt

Tickets now available for the big ol' Hummer Raffle

Springfield, MO—Queen City gentlemen’s club patrons are all a titter over the rumor that an establishment is planning to sell chances resulting in one lucky patron taking home a big ole Hummer. Long time pole-dancer aficionado Don Mackerainny told FCN, “This is even better than the all-you-can-eat happy hour idea we was hearin’ about.” He continued, “Now I know how that Willie Wanka kid, Charlie must have felt.”

Just which establishment intends to sell the ‘golden’ ticket remains a tight-lipped secret but insiders tell FCN, “the competition is fierce because as everyone knows a really good Hummer, particularly with low miles and a tight rear-end is extremely hard to find.” Mackerainny reasoned, “Every time I frequent my favorite strip-club I am amazed at the power a dollar bill still has, especially in rough economic times.” Grinning ear-to-ear he concluded, “But to have a shot at a big ole Hummer too, now that is pretty darn special.”

Local strip-club artist Chitty Bang-Bang said, “I know change is scary and always hard to swallow but giving away a big ole Hummer fits our business model perfectly and makes lots of sense.” She went on, “Old school lap-dances are fine and definitely plump the bottom-line, but with my recent hip replacement it was getting more and more difficult for me to meet sales goals.  She concluded, “In this competitive environment you have to stroke the customer once in a while; the big ole Hummer promotion should do it nicely.”

Months of hurling preparation wasted

Springfield, MO—A Missouri State University fraternity learned today their hurling team will not be allowed to participate in the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Rho Rho Rho chapter chairman Biff Martindink told FCN “we have been training for a long damn time and to have a bunch of maple leaf toteing thugs pull the rug on me and my bro’s really sucks.”

Vancouver organizing committee member Pierre LaDoosh’ called Martindink earlier this week to explain hurling “is not now and never will be an entry in the games you silly boys.”  Martindink reportedly told officials he and his brothers were ready to show some serious, “spew and chunk on the international stage.” He said, “We must have downed 1,500 gallons of Molson Canadian this month getting ready for the games and the hurling was some of the best I have ever seen.” He continued, “We can field the best 3-man beer bong team anywhere but our real strength is individual hurling.”

A dejected Martindink said, “We’ll show ‘em…its back to Keystone for us, O-Canada my arse.”  A spokesperson for the fraternity promised to lodge a complaint with the International Hurling Federation saying he was totally confused by the guy on the phone with the funny accent who kept screaming, “… its curling you moron, curling, merde! “  In the off-season, Rho Rho Rho members train at the annual Ernte-Fest in Freistatt Missouri.