Pussy grabbing exhibit expected to be  included in Trump Presidential Library designs

Springfield, MO – Local architect Jans Tribbles recently announced that his firm of Dammish, Loren & Opivert was selected to begin designing the Trump Presidential Library, which will be opened at a future date in Trump Tower, New York City, NY.

Initial plans for the Presidential library call for interactive exhibits where guests can experience what it is like to grab women by the pussy, learn exactly how to mock a disabled reporter with flailing arm movements and include an Olympic-sized boxing ring where participants can dress like an angry white man and sucker punch rally protestors, Democrats or anyone with which they have a differing opinion.

Of course these are preliminary concepts based upon campaign feedback, and more content could be added to the Library according to Tribbles. “We expect a ‘Trail of Fears’ hall where Muslims, Mexicans and Military parents can be berated with a number of pre-recorded insults by President Trump with a push of a button by the library visitors,” he said.

“I’d like to see how to hide my tax returns once the Trump Presidential Library opens,” said Billy Owens, a 9-year-old 4^th grade student, “and learn how attack John McCain because he was captured in combat.”

Tribbles revealed that they plan on over-pricing the design fees, speculating that Trump will likely not pay the full invoice amounts for services provided. The Trump administration is planning to charge admission but Tribbles expects guests won’t be required to pay if the Presidential Library doesn’t meet their “expectations”. Across all political affiliations, this Library will leave visitors speechless.

104.7′s Mike the Intern

Well it’s that time of year again. Love is in the air whether you like it or not. And to either help you with that or make you even more frustrated with this time of the year, here is a great list of some of the cheesiest love songs you will find.

Poison “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” This song is proof that even the most rockin’ dude has feelings too. It is also a warning that you shouldn’t try and have a relationship with a stripper.

Def Leppard “Love Bites” Yes love does bite. And someone should tell it not to.

Whitesnake “Is This Love” It could be love. It could also be a groupie that is just trying to get a few weeks on the bus with you.

Skid Row “I Remember You” Considering the amount of drugs Sebastian has done, it is surprising that he can remember anything at all, let alone some fling he had years ago. I am calling shenanigans.

Cinderella “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)” This could actually mean two things. One they could of course be talking about a woman. They could also be talking about their career.

Dab-nabbin’ Dillons still not open

Springfield, MO – Local senior Nancy Newman once again drove her 1994 Buick Regal through the parking lot of the old Dillons on West Kearney wondering when exactly the long time grocery chain would be open again.

“I’ve been coming every day since December 24 trying to buy my Metamucil and soap opera digest magazines.” said the local senior. “I guess these kids took a longer winter break. They’re probably busy Facegoogling or Instatwiting.”

Mrs. Newman’s car has apparently circled the deserted lot every afternoon at 12:30, the left blinker continually on, wondering when the store will reopen. “Kids these days and their poor work ethic.” said Mrs. Newman. “Back in my day, we showed up to work. We didn’t stay home listening to Kayne South records!”

When asked why she didn’t just go to another store, Mrs. Newman replied, “What?”

Fear the Poochies!

Springfield, MO – Recent renovations revealed a new gathering space and new rally cry for the Chiefs of Kickapoo High School: Poochies was released as a new catch-phrase during the cafeteria grand opening and several students and alumni are mixed on the subliminal announcement.

“I mean ‘poochie’ is a term of endearment but I don’t think it is a very fierce thing to scream at a sporting event,” said ’94 alumni Chas Piffer, “I do think it is an evolution of ‘fear the poo’ which plays upon one’s fear of touching another person’s feces. Especially a group of people who have gathered their feces to support a communal endeavor.”

While “Poochies” is displayed above the new cafeteria windows for all students to gaze upon several are questioning the authenticity of the message. “Poochies. Is that a reference to our post-high school mid sections?” wondered one Sally Milfer, currently a Junior at the SPS institution, “I mean if I were to fear something it would be an expanded waist size so I guess that ‘poochies’ is a terrifying image. Watch out for the Freshman 15! Here’s comes a lack of exercise! Our school has larger girth than yours! These are all terrifying images to portray to a rival.”

When reached for comment the faculty representative simply stated, “Poochies? Oh, crap.” T-shirt sales with slogans such as “Smoochies for my Poochies”, “Poochies Power” and “These Poochies ain’t no Coochies” are expected to soar in the next 4 years, which should help pay for the new cafeteria renovation expenses.

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New Solo Cup owner reacts to possible demolition

Springfield, MO – According to the developer, musician Toby Keith has agreed to purchase and ship the iconic giant concrete Solo Cup at 1100 North Glenstone in Springfield saving it from demolition. Keith plans to paint the cup red and relocate it to Dream Walkin’ Farms, his 160-acre ranch, outside of Norman, Okla.

Keith said, “A red solo cup is cheap and disposable, but this landmark is not demolishable. Modern developers can kiss my ass!” Demolition of the cup was expected to be finished by the end of next week, and most residents are happy that the structure will have life beyond fronting the former company plant.

The plant opened in 1952 as Lily Tulip. Solo Cup acquired the plant — then called Sweetheart Cup — in February 2004 when it bought SF Holdings, Sweetheart’s parent company. “I usually give directions referencing the Cup. I remember when telling my friends to meet me north of the Cup after a long night at the Star Roll Arena. Gonna miss it, but I’m happy that it will live on,” said Herv McPoppins.

After the Solo Cup has been relocated and installed, Keith plans to fill it up and have a party.

Ozarks doctor surprised at birth

Branson, MO – Doctors were seemingly surprised by a recent birth when the child appeared with a head-start on life in the Ozarks: barefoot and bucktoothed. The chances of a child representing over 80 percent of the population are one in 3,000 according to the US National Library of Medicine.

“When we saw the baby arrive, we thought she was really advanced for her age. Usually it takes decades for the populace in this area to abandon their shoes and dental hygiene to adhere to the national stereotype of Ozarks hillbillies,” said obstetrician Lars Fillany, “I really thought someone had slipped a Billy-Bob binky into her mouth as a joke.”

Researchers attribute the unique birth to natural selection and anticipate occurrences as time progresses. “Just as we see more babies born with wine palates in California and clutching pistols in Western Kansas, we should see more babies born with buckteeth and barefoot here in the Ozarks,” said Emily Burgess of the National Institute of Pre-Natal Studies.

Rumors are circulating in Branson entertainment circles about a new theatre that will feature the baby singing country hits from the early 90’s.

Snail mail users take to the internet

Springfield, MO – Thousands of angry USPS customers are taking to electronic media to complain about the recent budget cuts forcing delay of first class deliveries. Hours after the announcement, several “save the USPS” sites appeared on Facebook and the hashtag #saveUSPS began trending on Twitter.

“How are we supposed to communicate with our far away relatives if postal service is no longer a reliable option?” said Nancy Willowferge of the 90’s. “I emailed my cousin to let her know my Christmas cards are going to be late next year. She responded immediately and was outraged by the lack of communication we are going to be experiencing.”

Supporters of the postal service are initiating online petitions, sharing online surveys and demanding an online Q&A with USPS to understand what can be done about the problem.

“We’re optimistic that our online communication efforts can revive this unused and underutilized service,” said Willowferge, “due to the outcry, it is obvious that we still need this service. In fact, I just heard that we passed 20,000 online votes to keep it.”