DGB chooses high school again

Springfield, MO – The nation’s number one high school recruit, Dorial Green-Beckham declared his intentions on national signing day with a stunning proclamation: to stay at Hillcrest High School for one more year before signing a letter of intent with an institute of higher learning.

“DGB felt that he really needed more time to make his decision – there were so many excellent programs to choose from and he wants to make the right choice regarding his future,” said one source, “he plans to take this next year to fully explore his options and plans to set more records than any other high school player in the history of this country.”

Green-Beckham was genuinely pleased with the recruiting process and enjoyed the attention paid by several top football programs. “The courting/recruitment process is an experience like no other,” said NFL scout Herb Kickhall, “for a high school recruit of such value, it only comes around once in a career. For DGB to want to experience it again is normal. I would.”

Sources close to the manchild report that he is really fairly comfortable crushing opposing high school defenses with circus-like one-handed catches, sprinting away from safeties like a cheetah from a turtle and scoring touchdowns at will. “I’m proud of him, kids these days are too eager to grow up and start adulthood. DGB is setting a trend by staying in high school for 5 years. And I really appreciate having the opportunity to watch him next season here in town….go Hornets!” said Lou Schefflerberg a Springfield native.

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

Newt Gingrich…the bowl cut…really?  Santorum simply sounds too much like scrotum.  Dr. Paul is like Elmer Fudd…nice guy, but nobody really wants him at the party.   Jon Huntsman looks like he could cry at any moment and Rick Perry is just plain scary.  You know, there is a part of me that would like to see Perry just beat the living tar out of Romney.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Michelle Bachman is a whack job.  I don’t know if she has been drinking or smoking but I can promise you that glazed over look in her eye isn’t from reading the constitution. And then, there is the idea of bringing back Mr. Obama for another 4 years.  How did this guy get elected in the first place?  We must have been desperate….oh yeah, I forgot, we were.  This guy appears to have no sense of reality.  Shrink the military??  I think we should put President Obama in a  padded room with Dick Chaney for 24 hours with nothing but a shotgun, a jug of crisco oil and a life-size Ronald Reagan doll.

Maybe that crazy bastard can straighten him out.  Well, I guess one way or the other one of these jackwagons will get elected and we can end this freak show…or we could bring back…Sarah Palen…you no what, let’s not!!
“I say we don’t vote for any of these candidates.  I would write in the name Assclown Johnson.  I think that might motivate both parties to find new candidates and I think it would be funny to see the mainstream media talking about a guy named Assclown.”

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

King’s hair arrives early for the fight

Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him.

“Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at once, due to the height of his hair,” proclaimed King. Once King arrived, Hammon’s Tower became the second tallest structure in the Ozarks. King will be in town to promote Willard native and #3 WBO world rated Cruiserweight BJ Flores this weekend.

“Get a Shiner at the Shriner” is the event’s moniker and resonates such engaging fights such as “The Thrilla in Manilla” and “Rumble in the Jungle” that King made famous. The event will be held at the Shrine Mosque where Prince Hall Freemason, King, secured the venue only after considering other locations that would have been billed, “Fistacuffs at Fassnight Park,” “The Donnybrook at Digiacinto’s,” and the “Pounding at Incredible Pizza”.

Flores has said, “Don, and more importantly his hair, bring a level of instant recognition that gives this fight card instant credibility. Springfield will be in for a real treat this weekend as Don’s hair will be an amazing site. I mean, the fights will be good too, but man…that hair is awesome.” Flores is pre-suing King for the fight purse money he is sure to be denied for the weekend fight.

Building piercings and tattoos are increasing in popularity

Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere.

“Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce my backyard shed after I saw their building piercing…we hung a huge nipple ring from it to signify my rebellious spirit,” said Wes Fruiton. Building piercings are increasing in popularity thanks in part to the enormous piercing on the side of the Kaleidoscope building.

“The mortar piercing process is extremely tedious, much more so than a human Prince Albert what with the structural concerns and safety codes,” said punctual artist Sam Koffington, “in fact, the building laws are very strict…especially on historical buildings.” While the piercing fad is increasing, local requests for house tattoos are also on the rise.

“Yesterday we were wondering how we could make our house stand out from the ho-hum suburbia that we reside in. We landed on a koi pond tattoo with a dragon licking a nicotine patch on our garage door. Our friends and family will know exactly where we are located and hopefully the design will give us street cred to dissuade robbers and meth addicts from invading our house,” said Stephanie Lowerton of Highland Springs.

Freakish Pony Burrito an awesome sight to behold

Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the beans and rice.

The two popular Glenstone Avenue destinations aren’t exactly sure how it happened. “I thought his dancer landed in my food,” said Ned Gerl of the Purple Burrito. “I thought his food landed on my girl,” said Stid Beanston of the Pink Pony. Fortunately, both businesses are taking partial credit for the unbelievably successful merger of dancing girls and So-Cal Mexi food.

“Sure we could have fought over who started it first, but it just makes sense to market the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito as a joint effort,” claimed Gerl. Local patrons are at once surprised and very pleased when they order the Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito. “I thought I was just ordering a So-Cal party burrito, big enough for my frat party to munch on. When I got it home and hauled it inside, well the guys were very happy with my selection of cuisine,” said Nate Fergguison.

The only drawback to the combo of farty beans and frisky women is to the patron who waits too long to open the package. “I ordered one of them Pinky-Purp Pony Tacos and then kept it in the fridge overnight. Next thing I know this beautiful naked woman come crawlin out of my kitchen smellin’ like the inside of a dead armadillo,” said Shemp Nordstrom, “I guess she got hungry and started eatin’ away to keep herself busy.”

Apple Tent to open this Spring at Target

Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices.

Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know that they are building iPads under that tent right now! I can’t wait for the Apple Tent to open – so retro cool!” Target pioneered the concept of offering designer items at affordable prices in 1999 with the launch of Michael Graves home accessories. “A cheap chic computer mantra is obviously the next step in merchandising to the masses,” said Kerry Yulandersheild, a Target representative.

“The Apple Tent concept is an approachable way to merchandise highly sophisticated computers to an everyday crowd. Most folks see a tent and say, ‘Hey, I can afford whatever is inside that, let’s go buy something I can afford’ which is exactly what we are banking on,” said Yulandershield. News of the Apple Tent opening sent Apple and Target shares soaring.

“I really think that it is a full circle approach to computing. Apple started in a garage and now they are being offered from an un-airconditioned tent. Maybe circle is too strong a word…distorted oval might better apply,” claims Steven Hovenshiver, a professor of Economics at Missouri State University.

High hopes aside, claims are surfacing that the Apple Tent is nothing more than a collection of stolen and broken machines refurbished to schlep upon unsuspecting Apple fan boys who fall asleep at night under the cold screen glare of an imposing monster machine race readying itself to take over the world.

Craig T. Nelson on a bag

Springfield, MO – The premier leather bag retailer from New York, Coach Inc., is planning on market testing a new product line at their Battlefield Mall location. Lewis Frankfort, Coach’s CEO, made the announcement in a press release last Monday when revealing the company’s new line: The Coach Bag. “Coach has been commonly confused with the 90′s television series through many search engines long enough,” explained Frankfort, “so fusing the two, just seemed like a natural progression in eliminating the confusion.”

The aging CEO hopes that attaching Craig T. Nelson’s face to the bag design will capture the nostalgia that dull, white Americans feel for the seemingly prosperous decade of the 90′s. Though the series Coach was based out of Minnesota, Frankfort believes that Springfield, Missouri has a quintessential whiteness that has an uncanny resemblance to Coach Hayden Fox’s sitcom town.  Competitors have been scratching their heads as to why Coach Inc. would alter their formula of selling high end apparel to the masses by “midwesternizing” their products in hopes of grasping a new market share.

Fendi’s creative director, Karl Lagerfeld, noted that Frankfort “has always been on the cutting edge of accessorizing and fashion,” but is “unsure whether or not this is the right direction” for the rival company.  Other company officials were hesitant to give their comments on Frankfort’s new line of Coach bags.  However, one anonymous executive of the company conveyed his thoughts rather bluntly about Frankfort: “the old man has gone batsh*t crazy!” Crazy or not, keep your eye out in the community for the sleek new styling of the The Coach Bag.