A ginormous shop vac sucks rainwater from Springfield

Springfield, MO—After presenting two forms of identification and laying down a $50 deposit, The City of Springfield has rented a giant shop vac to remove rainwater from roads, bridges and basements. The 6000-gal. 2,300HP shop vac was deemed necessary following heavy rainfall on Wednesday, when 6 to 10.5 inches of rain covered the city causing multiple headaches across the region.

According to reports, the City was notified of the massive flooding by a wife who had just returned from running errands. “There is water everywhere, you need to come and clean this up now!” said the wife.

Mayor Jim O’Neal approved the use of emergency funds to pay for the gigantic shop vacuum, which will be operated by Public Works. Rumors swirled that the department could not find—and was feverishly looking for—an enormous ShamWow towel that was purchased via an infomercial last spring just for a situation such as this.

O’Neal confirmed that the enormous ShamWow was last seen in City Hall when the fire department was demonstrating that it could hold 12 times its weight in liquid. “It’s a towel that acts like a sponge, made by Germans – you know the Germans always make good stuff!” said O’Neal, “we just have to find where we put it.”

The City has until Friday at noon to return the rented shop vac before incurring late charges. Citizens have been called upon to gather at the Southwest power plant and assemble together as many electrical cords as possible to operate the ginormous sucking machine. More rain is expected in the coming days.

Sherwood Forrest houses robbing criminals in this 'hood.

Springfield, MO—Greene County Sheriff’s deputies have tracked an outlaw gang to a Southside neighborhood in Greene County known as Sherwood Forrest located off highway 160 or Campbell Avenue. According to reports, the gang is responsible for multiple thefts across the city, numerous acts of mischief and several drive by arrow shootings.

Local resident Gloria Shiffold said, “I’ve lived in Sherwood Forrest for several years and I’ve never been afraid to leave my house. But now that this group of outlaws are hiding here I worry that I might be robbed of my fondest treasures.”

Apparently police have staked out the location known to house the criminals and found nothing more than a few scraps of green clothing, a recently used fire pit and a few stray arrowheads.

A police spokesperson confessed, “We know they are stealing high dollar items from luxury neighborhoods in the Springfield area. We just aren’t sure where they are keeping the loot. To date we have reports of a missing 56” flat screen television, a stolen Bentley and hoards of jewelry. You’d think we’d be able to find a stash such as this within their hideout.”

As recently as last week, SPD had one suspect in custody identified as Marion of Loxley County, Alabama. However, the suspected band of men hiding out in Sherwood Forrest released her after a daring jailbreak.

According to a flyer posted in Sherwood Forrest, Greene County Sheriff’s deputies plan to oust the gang leader by holding an impromptu archery contest at the parking lot of Bass Pro Shops this Saturday.

A book burning display will be featured in Greene County libraries this fall

Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Library District will unveil new  burning books displays this week at its six campuses. A prominent endcap will be constructed in each location that will house several books set on fire in an attempt to educate the public on past book burnings.

The burning of books has a long history as a tool wielded by authorities both secular and religious, in efforts to suppress dissenting or heretical views that are perceived as posing a threat to the prevailing order. The library says it wants to expose students both young and old to different and challenging ideas, because that is what free speech is all about.

“Holy freaking crap, they are burning books inside the library! That can’t be possible can it!?” said one library patron, Julie Kumlio. “I mean, there has to be a law against that these days, especially setting fires inside public buildings.”

A library spokesperson says a new canon of works will be torched each week to demonstrate the power of the destructive and symbolic act. “The burnings will begin in early September starting with ancient Chinese philosophy books, then Jewish holy books, followed closely by Roman history books and Torah and sorcery scrolls. By the end of the fall we hope to have moved onto more recent works including Christian books, the writings of Priscillian and even pop culture references such as the Beatles albums,” said the source.

Cougar poaching is illegal after the season ends in August

Springfield, MO—This past weekend, Battlefield Mall security apprehended at least eight suspects for cougar hunting out of season. Every year, on the first of August, the cougars tend to migrate back to retailers in an attempt to find good deals on clothing for their young. Known for their ferocious attitude, raw sex appeal and sixth sense when it comes to finding a deal, these creatures are a hunter’s delight. After school starts, however, cougar hunting becomes strictly relegated to their natural habitat of fitness centers around the city.

A group of college students from out of state were unaware of this law when they came to the Battlefield Mall in an attempt to capture a cougar. “How was I supposed to know that it was out of season? I was just hoping to capture a blonde one and have her take me back to her den,” one of the hunters said.

Head of Battlefield Mall security, Paul Barnhardt stated, “Ignorance of the law is no excuse. If these boys wanted to capture them a cougar, then they should have been here during J.C. Penney’s back to school sale; it was like shooting metaphorical fish in a barrel. Now that school has started, they would be hard-pressed to find even a puma in the wilds of the mall. It’s like actually shooting fish in a barrel now which, if you watch Mythbusters, is actually quite hard.”

Catching these eight hunters is a big win for mall security, but the war isn’t over yet. “Sure, it may deter hunters for a little while, but they’ll be back. Labor Day is coming up and every year, that weekend is nothing but trouble. You’ve got cougars who are prowling for last bits of deals and it’s just too tempting for some people. We’ve got to remember that they need their space.”

One of the arrested men was unapologetic for his actions as he reminisced over years past.  “I’ll never forget the first time my dad took me cougar hunting when I was eight years old. He used me as bait by having me walk up to a cougar and say ‘will you help me find my daddy?’ After the cougar reunited me with my father he’d say ‘don’t run away from me like that again. You’re all I’ve got now that your mother has passed away.’ And then we’d go get an Orange Julius. It was a great father/son bonding experience and I want the same thing for my son, one day.”

City council approves loan to redevelop historic hot dog stand

Springfield MO- With some reservations about the plan, Springfield city council voted unanimously for a loan for the redevelopment plan for Calumet City, an abandoned Hot Dog Stand located in downtown Springfield behind the main post office.  The developer, Ken McCow has already received a $3 million dollar loan from the Missouri Development Board as well as a $50 million dollar loan from the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Despite this financing McCow found himself $47.18 short to continue with the project.  Since the city council came through with the loan McCow promised to complete the the project on time and on budget.  “Without council’s backing on this, I don’t know what I would have done,” he stated.

Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neil said special tax districts will be created to help fund the loan.  “I know some people would prefer tax money not be used on this, we felt we had no choice because without the $47.18 the whole thing would shut down.  This is needed to boost the downtown and help the economy in general. The city cannot leave that building empty.  If this wasn’t going to happen we were going to have to tear it down thus losing a part of Springfield history.

FCN has learned that the city will pay half the amount of the loan which is $23.59 when the project is half way completed.  The remaining $23.59 will be paid when the project shows a 75% completion rate.  “This will make sure the developer follows through with renovation and won’t bail on us,” stated O’Neil.

According to McCow the old hot dog stand will now be home to a Kansas City Hereford Steak House, a professional roller derby ring, several upscale specialty shops and either another Ziggy’s or Braums Ice Cream location.  The roof will feature “green technology” and have a swimming pool and several hiking and biking trails.

Kathy Casher, a local banker called councils actions “creative and innovative”.  “This is not only a good investment for downtown, this is a guaranteed and secure loan for me.  I just wish council would find more of these old buildings to invest in,” she commented.

McCow had nothing but good things to say on how easy it was to get the paperwork done with the city.  “I couldn’t believe how simple it was.  I just pulled up to the front door and walked in.  In less than 10 minutes it was done and I left with cash in my pocket.  The best part was I got to keep my car!”

Sonny Pomade dreams of not renovating Heer's

Springfield, MO—Local maverick businessman, Sonny Pomade, showed up at Monday night’s Springfield City Council meeting and offered to not develop the controversial Heer’s Building for a mere fifty dollars.

“I just felt it was my duty to take the burden of not moving forward with the renovation on my own shoulders,” Pomade commented, as he sipped on decaf at a sidewalk table in front of The Coffee Ethic, shaded by the afternoon shadow of the iconic monolith.

“The City Council is going to fork over two million beans to some guy who claims he will bring the building back to its glory days, with restaurants, offices, a fortune teller’s tent, and a ground-level go-cart track, if I’m not mistaken. Get outta here! What if he doesn’t get it done? Can the people of Springfield take another Heer’s letdown? I’m thinking no!”

Pomade stated that he needed the token sum of fifty dollars as a down payment to a representative of a local informal “loan agency” and that the $1,999,950 saved could be used to build a dog track or something the people of Springfield could really get behind.

“In this economy it doesn’t make any sense to spend huge sums of money on projects that aren’t absolutely necessary, or, for that matter, never materialize,” Pomade added. “Besides, people often underestimate the importance of having something to gripe about. Without it some folks might cease to exist. In my opinion my proposal is sound all around. Cheap, too!”

An elk herd prepares to merge with traffic on James River Freeway

Springfield Mo.- Officials from the Missouri Department of Conservation and the Springfield Visitors Bureau have announced that 200 elk will soon call the Springfield Nature Center home. “This is not only a good day for the elk, but a good day for the visitors to the Nature Center,” commented Jeanie Hugtree, Nature Center spokesperson. “With 200 elk coming in, the public will get a real up close and personal view of them. Sightseeing elk will be more popular than ever. I also understand that elk are good for the environment, but we are not sure how.”

There were concerns about having elk of any numbers at the Nature Center but those issues have been addressed. According to Hugtree, “Some people thought there might be danger on the roads. We have found that vehicle crashes in states that have herds that have been restored have not been a problem. They make the elk get a license before they get on the road.”

Another potential problem was the spread of disease within the elk herd as well as the deer population. “After meeting with the elk,” commented Hugtree, they agreed to having yearly exams and practice safe sex during mating season. As far as the deer go, they have agreed not to stick their nose in the elks business. They know that chronic waste disease from elk can wipe out a deer herd and they want no part of that.”

Having nearby farm fields could be a buffet for the elk. Since elk do not jump fences, they go through them, it could be an expensive problem. “Again, the elk know to stay on their side of the fence. If they did for some reason go across their border they would be guilty of illegal migration. Since that is a state issue, officials would step in and take control and deport them back to the Nature Center,” stated Hugtree. FCN reporters asked, “Since hunting is not allowed on Nature Center property, what steps will be taken if the elk population gets out of control?” “We have an awesome backup plan,”said Jeanie Hugtree. “It’s called Canadian gray wolfs. The elks natural predator.”

Texts are sent to drivers as they approach the new texting lane

Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive attention from protesting groups.

The texting-while-driving-lane was approved by voters in last fall’s election and support groups claim the new lane will make driving safer for those who refrain from using their mobile devices while operating a motor vehicle.

“This lane will help relieve congestion on one of the Ozark’s busiest stretches of highway: I-44 from Springfield southward,” said Mayor Jim O’Neal. “I am pleased that construction is ahead of schedule so we can bring drivers a better trip sooner. Plus we were getting tired of the diverging diamonds and wanted to come up with another first in road construction design”

New signage directs drivers to the upcoming change in traffic. For those drivers who are already texting but not quite to the texting lane, a special mobile message is sent to all mobile devices as drivers pass by the sign.

“As I was driving down the road, I was texting my friend about the new shoes I was gonna buy once I got paid at the end of the week when this message appeared that I was about to enter the texting-while-driving lane. It was so cool that I almost ran off the road with excitement. I had totally passed the sign and wouldn’t have noticed the road change had I not had a mobile alert on my phone,” said Sasah Hummering. Not all are as impressed.

“Man I was driving down the road and got this text about a texting lane for safety. I grabbed my phone, then crashed trying to read the text!” said Herb Newsome.

O’Neil says bumpers will soon be added to the lanes for pin-balling cars in the right direction and added, “traffic on the 65 corridor definitely got better once the new texting lane opened. Congestion has been reduced and texting and
driving time will be improved for thousands of people every day.”

Bomb squad experts analyze "dirty turd" bomb

Springfield, MO—A local man found an explosive landmine in his backyard while mowing his lawn this past weekend. Justin Humble, of southern Springfield, claimed he hit the thin dog dirt grenade with his riding lawnmower, but didn’t realize it until several feet later.

“Yeah, it was a minute before the effects took hold, I could see the shrapnel stuck in my mower’s tire on the front right side. It was an awful stench of death that nearly knocked me off the rider,” said Humble.

Humble reported that his family has been weeping since he located the fresh dog egg with his John Deere in his suburban lawn. In fact, his entire neighborhood has felt the effects.

Mrs. Jill Jorbert, a retired trash collector confessed, “I was afraid to come out of my home all day. What with the excessive heat I feared that my nasal cavity would be severely punished if I attempted to tend to my garden.”  The fire marshal told nearby homeowners to stay locked up until the coil shaped explosive had dissipated.

Both the Springfield Fire Department and Police were at the scene until a unit from Fort Leonard Wood arrived Saturday afternoon. Military officer observed the damn dirty device for several minutes but could not determine what species of canine would have caused the sulphur mushroom cloud.

“We have to treat every item as if it is real because there’s that one chance you treat it that it’s not, and it explodes on your leg. It’s just not worth the risk,” said one bomb squad member. Moments after speaking that bomb squad member attempted to protect the other officers by tackling Humpble to the ground having claiming to see some crapnal on the man’s knee.

One new addition to the homes tour

In what could only be seen as a munificent gesture to reach out to the other side of Division Street, Springfield’s lauded Rountree Historical Homes Tour is expanding its ability to evoke oohs and ahs this year by adding several addresses from the Quarry View Trailer Court on West Chestnut Expressway.
“It’s our way of keeping with this exciting new era of hope and change,” explained tour chairperson Muffy Kaiserbunn. “And its a great opportunity for the gals from Highland and Hickory to see that it’s not as scary as they think once you venture north of Bijan’s and The Little Theatre.”
Organizers of the tour decided to add three vintage single wides to the tour after growing criticism that the popular event was just another excuse for Springfield’s Jet Set to chat about the miracle of trust funds while writing tax-deductible donation checks.
Northside activist and Quarry View resident, Wade Swearingen,  a former client of Kaiserbunn’s defense attorney husband, was instrumental in getting the tour expanded. “Hell, we know our digs ain’t as fancy as all them mansions down there,” explained Swearingen as he chucked a half-empty Coors can at a stray pit bull.  “But we’re just as proud to have our piece of the American dream…pie…whatever it is, and I welcome anyone who wants to see my place, long as they keep their cotton pickers off my pocket knife collection.”
A trolley car has been booked to transport homes tour patrons from Rountree to Quarry View and back, with a midtown stop for a sumptuous lunch at Flame Steakhouse for seasoned patrons, followed by a drive-thru at Hardees for those who prefer a less pricey repast.
This year’s impressive list of sponsors includes perennials Just for Him, Ocean Zen, and Maxon’s Jewelers, with first-timers Dollar General, Gold Exchange, Fast Cash Loans, and Buck’s Bail Bonds.
Velma Crudder, whose Quarry View residence is on the tour, was guarded about the pressure of showing off her home to strangers. “Well, s’pose I’ll really have to pick up the place, sweep the floor and the like. Prolly just keep the bathroom closed if Wade and Miss what’s-her-name don’t mind,”  Mrs. Crudder commented. “I can’t see why nobody would be interested in seeing this place, anyway, but if people like dragging they feet through other people’s living rooms, who am I to say?” she added.
Kaiserbunn, however, was certain of the tour’s success. “This year we can finally claim that the tour is an all-Springfield inclusive happening, and that anyone who wants to see how the other half lives, regardless of the imagined barriers of social position and financial status, has the opportunity to do so!”
Tickets for the tour are three-hundred dollars per person, firm. Lunch not included.