Down kittens, down!

Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas.

“Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard were distracted by a wild string, doesn’t mean that I condemn the people of Skepticon, they are allowed to believe what they will. Those kittens were from a wild litter…I’ll tell you that now. I mean look at them – they’re freakishly huge cats!” said He.

Most people have driven past the billboard not exactly sure what to make of it. One driver interviewed said, “I figured it was that we could all agree that cute cats are well we all agree that little cats are cute. But huge freakish cats that destroy property shouldn’t be messed with by any means.” Another driver, Bobbie Wackina said, “Oh Lord, I thought it was an attack of Pussy Cats from Space. I drove my car straight into the cemetery, passed out, woke up and thought I was buried in a Chevy!”

Jesus released a statement earlier today which said, “Skepticon observers are people who are seeking answers. I am an all-knowing, omniscient lord searching for answers regarding these kittens. Why don’t kittens listen to anyone? Especially me! I told them to watch the billboard. Not get juiced on catnip and rip it to shreds. What can I say?”

Ella Richardson can’t believe her recess is not going to happen

Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision.

“I was s’pose to swing with Ella during my recess, but instead I had to stay inside and play math games cause of the bad man,” said Timothy Unger, a kindergartener at Mathews Elementary. “Joe and I were going to trade Pokemon cards at recess, but that was totally ruined by mister ‘shave my head and walk by the school barefoot’ ruining our trading time,” scoffed Nick Burgenson a 5^th grader at Espy Elementary.

Students at Nixa High School had mixed feelings. Sarah Begonia said, “I was so glad that he was nearby. My gym class was planning to run the track this afternoon but fortunately we stayed inside and played a game. Unfortunately, it was dodge ball and Jimmy Heffer hit me in the face with the ball…I think he likes me,” she said while blushing.

Springfield Public School students were understandably jealous. “Aw man, nothing cool ever happens around here,” said Kelly Piolos, a Junior at Parkview High School, “why can’t a fugitive like Joshua Brown – who is wanted for murder – walk by our school so we don’t have to do anything for an afternoon?”

Archie all gritty with a smoke

Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana Agron, Josh Hutcherson, Emma Stone, and Terry O’Quinn. But the stars can do it all so extras will be needed and Paramount is looking for local talent to fill in the gaps.

Taking the familiar Archie comics and twisting them into a gritty, more realistic tone is the brain child of David Fincher. “Every comic is getting a gritty reboot,” said Fincher. “And I thought, ‘Why not Archie?’ All the elements are their: wealth, love triangles, addiction, teenage angst, milkshake sharing. It will be perfect.”

When asked why film in Missouri, Fincher said, “It was simply because Riverdale needs a small town feel, which Springfield has the perfect feel for the movie. Also we need a huge black tower, a dancing fountain, a Chili’s, a giant walking robot statue, and a surrounding meth problem. Yeah, I am changing Jughead’s hamburger addiction to meth. We are really Winter Boning it up. Winter Boning it hard. In fact I thought Winter‘s Bone was a gritty reboot of Nancy Drew.”

The actors seem to be fitting in fine; adapting to the slow pace of Missouri from the hustle bustle of LA. “Yeah Jennifer Lawrence (Josh’s co-star in The Hunger Games) warned me about Missouri. She told me all about the hell hounds, spook lights, and the Indians trying to kill precocious youths in caves. I am getting used to it. We will all fit in eventually,” said Josh Hutcherson as his red polio shirt slowly morphed into over-alls.

The students and staff are looking forward to a piece of Hollywood entering their school. “We can’t wait for the filming,” stated Principal Crabton. “And I was a big fan of the comics growing up. Sure, I have my reservations about the gritty reboot such as Moose starting a fight club, Dilton starting a social network, and someone’s head ending up in a box. But, I trust Fincher’s artistic vision and his creepiness.”

There is a call for extras who either look like teenagers or methed-out adults.

Building bleeds pain for Heer’s

Springfield, MO – The Hotel of Terror building recently exhibited an act of compassion by crying tears of blood for the plight of the nearby Heer’s building. When questioned, the Hotel of Terror building said, “well I just wanted to express my sadness for Heer’s. At least I have a populace that inhabits my space once a year during October for a few days.”

The Heer’s Building, who has been publicly vying for attention and a permanent tenant, was overcome with satisfaction. “I’m so happy that the Hotel of Terror building decided to spew red blood cells on my behalf. I mean, lots of buildings go unused, but I truly didn’t’ expect that a space used to horrify and scare people would even show feelings for me… I wasn’t even aware that a building could bleed. We’ve shared the same latitude for a long time,” said the Heer’s Building.

According to sources, many buildings have tried to express their sorrow for the Heer’s Building but have been apprehensive to show their true feelings in fear of scaring off current tenants. “I’ve been aware of the plight of Heer’s for a long time,” said the McDaniel’s Building, “I could always count on Heer’s to let me know when one of my lights had burned out on the marquee, but I really never knew how to show my feelings. Now I do, bleed from the windows.”

The Heer’s Building can be followed on Twitter at the handle: @HeersBuilding.

Rockin' movies at Table Rock

Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

“We have a projector boat, basically it is a photo cannon that floats on the water. It is one of the largest projector boats known to exist. Basically it’s the only one that I know of,” said Lance Metaford of Water Projections Inc. With the increase in local vacations, or staycations, more people are foregoing plane trips out of state and are keeping their vacation dollars nearer to home.

The Army Corp. of Engineers decided that a “movie night” would be a great way to thank and entertain visitors to Table Rock Lake, while hopefully attracting more tourists to the area. “Who doesn’t love a good flick, or hanging out on the water? Putting the two together is a great idea,” said Melinda Kissinger a long-time visitor to State Park Marina.

Second-run films will be the mainstay of the programming, however, most will feature ties to the area including The Rock, Lake Placid, and a special screening of Winter’s Bone.

Amish rockin' the flip phone

Seymour, MO- After years of only using turn of the century technology the Amish community in Seymour, Missouri decided it is time to move into the future. After a council meeting of the Society Elders it was decided that members of the community can use technology up to the mid-90’s.
“When we stopped progressing technology to avoid the evils of modern life, we never thought it was going to go this far. Sure, we were able to avoid the temptation of the horseless carriage, radio, and television. But, computers? DVD? Walk-men? Tamagotchi? We are not made of stone.”
They later stated that technology won’t be considered evil as long as it is 20 years obsolete instead of a hundred.
Because of the 90’s upgrade there will be numerous changes to the community. Instead of black outfits all members will wear grungy plaid and ripped jeans. Instead of churning butter, making quilts and jams, and traveling by horse drawn carriage they will be churning out simple web sites using HTML, making observational humor and wooden cases for beanie babies ,and travel by winged toasters. Also all male-female relationships will be changed from marriages to “will they or won’t they” relationship likened to Ross and Rachael in the first 5 seasons of Friends. And their main source of entertainment will be Jim Carry movies before he got all serious and “act-y”.

“We are very excited about the changes,” states community member Elijah Woodstack. “Of course the punishments are even worse now. You will either be put into the Real World type confessional booth and tell about all you discretions or wear the stained blue dress of shame.”
But, the Amish still have a sincere reverence for their beliefs. They pray daily and songs of faith can be heard during the morning worship. “I am all out of faith, this is how I feel. I am cold and ashamed laying naked on the floor,” the members sing in perfect unison during a morning church meeting.
The Amish will still be pacifist, only fighting if a Cacodemon wonders into the area or aliens wearing biomechanical suits blow up their newly raised barns (and only thing if Will Smith is not around). Ice Cream shoved in their face will still be allowed, but only if it is Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future.

Mayor ready for another round!

Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office following his current obligations.

“No, no you heard wrong he has resigned,” commented an uninformed council member, “it means he won’t be coming back.” According to multiple sources, O’Neill was not going ‘all Ibarra’ and walking out on his responsibilities, rather he was re-signing for another round of torture by rhetoric.

“Not too many people can endure hours and hours of endless, mind-numbing conversation that spins in circles like a washing machine thrown in an eddy,” said Nerf Fredericksonn, a constant attendee at Council meetings. Fredericksonn went on to say that O’Neill was great on the board and is looking forward to another election year with O’Neill on the ballot.

O’Neill was unavailable for comment; however, reports indicate that he announced his intent to re-sign during a contentious debated around a handful of exemptions to the smoking ban.  “He lit up a stogie, and said due to personal and business pressures, he intended to re-sign. Immediately. He seemed pretty upset about it but I thought it was good news,” said Fredericksonn.

Baking money

Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient.

“Love,” said 10 year old Gary Fellows. “Love and marijuana.” Gary goes on to explain that thanks to DARE they have vast knowledge of drugs, and they can use that knowledge to be better salesmen or “dealers.”

“I love the activities and lessons that DARE offers,” 8-year-old Megan Leary said while making pot brownies in her Easy Bake Oven, “and, man, do the art teacher and bus driver love these brownies.”

Other students are using their junior chemistry set to make meth, their bicycles to deliver their goods and their sling shots to protect their territory from other groups. We knew we had to take out the competition,” Gary confided, “first we went after Missy Sugarsmile and her gang of Girl Scouts to secure the baked goods racket. We took care of them with water balloons and covering their sashes with poison ivy. Then the Lemonade Stands had to go, which was no problem thanks to our wiffle ball bats. Then the actual drug dealers had to go. Ever see Home Alone? Where the little kids defeat the bad guys with elaborate and hilarious traps? We didn’t do that, we just shot them.”

Once the competition was gone, the kids could put their plan into action. With numerous baked sales and street deals, the kids had no problem making the necessary money to save DARE. In fact, they made enough to save the program, buy a Barbie dream mansion, numerous power-wheels, and an armory of Nerf guns.

“Thanks to DARE, we know drugs are bad and we will never use them,” says Megan. “But, selling them is a great fundraising activity.”

Handi-racist

Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image.

“What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by with his cart full of groceries to his car. “That’s some racist sh*t!” as he stared at the image for more than 2 minutes. The
unintentionally offensive artwork was made to more clearly identify where individuals with handicapped can park and more easily walk to a motorized cart to purchase processed foods,
alcohol and tobacco products.

“The huge white handicapped image painted on top of the little black handicapped image is in no way a statement. It is merely an attempt to show that the handicapped people identify more with large people with disabilities, who might be white,” said a clearly befuddled employee who was only trying to make the parking spaces easier to identify. “Who the hell brought this up in the first place? I have black friends. Damnit.”

The store plans to repaint each individual handicapped sign the many colors of the human race. “Better not put the white disabled people parking closest to the front,” said Tillawhack as he looked for more opportunities to define the struggle of race in obscure places.