Woman placing a moustache finger on her lip

Springfield, MO – For those fascinated with facial follicle fashion, get ready to face some serious competition! Competitors from around the Ozarks are gathering at Patton Alley Pub this Saturday to prove that their genetic coding has superior follicle frolicking. Queen City Beards hosts the event and expects several male and female entries this year.

“If women can grow facial hair they can participate in the Bearded Lady category, the Stache Chic category or the Unibrow category. If they are follicly-challenged, we also have a fake beard/moustache category. Most fakers draw a moustache on their finger and hold it on their face, wear a costume beard or permanently tattoo their upper lip,” said an event organizer.

One entrant on the male side has spent years preparing for the event by growing one single hair that is extremely long and can be woven in between stubble in a basket weaving configuration. “It’s great, I have one super long hair that can be arranged on my face in any given style: if I’m going to the game, I can fashion it into a baseball, if it is an evening at a restaurant, I can make a fish or steak, if I’m looking for love I can make a heart with cupids arrow. It is very versatile!” said Hank Jistapiece of Buffalo, MO.

Among others, the event will be judged by local meteorologist Tom Trtan who has been officially banned from entering the competition because his moustache is legendary and could never be beaten by any mortal man.

Building piercings and tattoos are increasing in popularity

Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere.

“Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce my backyard shed after I saw their building piercing…we hung a huge nipple ring from it to signify my rebellious spirit,” said Wes Fruiton. Building piercings are increasing in popularity thanks in part to the enormous piercing on the side of the Kaleidoscope building.

“The mortar piercing process is extremely tedious, much more so than a human Prince Albert what with the structural concerns and safety codes,” said punctual artist Sam Koffington, “in fact, the building laws are very strict…especially on historical buildings.” While the piercing fad is increasing, local requests for house tattoos are also on the rise.

“Yesterday we were wondering how we could make our house stand out from the ho-hum suburbia that we reside in. We landed on a koi pond tattoo with a dragon licking a nicotine patch on our garage door. Our friends and family will know exactly where we are located and hopefully the design will give us street cred to dissuade robbers and meth addicts from invading our house,” said Stephanie Lowerton of Highland Springs.

New business all ready for early closure

Springfield, MO – Downtown Springfield shoppers got a treat this Monday when “Munch ‘n Muse” treated customers to free peach vegemite cupcakes during their grand opening celebration. The store, which sells designer cupcakes, indigenous Australian artifacts, and locally produced art and figurines, will cater to downtown shoppers looking for a creative gift or snack- until their eventual financial decline and subsequent bankruptcy later this year.

Store owner Maggie Frankler said she looks forward to serving up one-of-a-kind experiences for her customers, “I think it’s easy to forget how much fun it is to discover a new flavor, whether it’s one of our trademark Honeybacon Strawberry Cupcakes, or a hand-carved didgeridoo. Munch ‘n Muse gives people the opportunity to relax, and find something that fits their unique tastes, at least until I have to sell my house to pay the lease.”

MSU college student Amanda Francis took advantage of the free confections- “I absolutely love this place, It’s just a few minutes from my dorm, and it’s a great spot to just hang out. I’m gonna tell all my friends about it whenever we walk past on our way to the bars.”

Local artist and musician Steve Jackson had the honor of making the first official purchase, “I got this sweet keychain that looks like a monster. The rest of the stuff was kind of pricey, but it’s a totally cool place. I’ll really miss them when they go under. Oh! Maybe they’ll put one of those hookah bars here next, I’ve always wanted to try one of those.”

Munch ‘n Muse is open Monday thru Saturday from 11AM-8PM, is closed Sundays, and will close permanently after probably May or June.

Indie Ozarks offers equal programming to viewers

Springfield, MO – Former television station KSFX becomes KOZL Ozarks Local today, and will serve as the Ozarks first indie, or independent, outlet for information in our area. The new station will pride itself by showcasing local independent bands, motion pictures and will feature 24 hours of news not mandated by the “fox”, er “man”.

“Finally, we are not under the conservative thumb of Rupert Murdock’s News Corp. and his phone hacking cronies. We are free and independent American journalists not held to the withering standards of our former English media mogul owner,” said one source, “Before Rupie killed The News of the World we knew it was time to find a way out fast.”

Fortunately, KOZL Ozarks Local formed an indie strategy to serve the people of Southwest Missouri. No longer a FOX affiliate, KOZL can now focus on quality programming and will release a schedule of indie music reviews, sketch comedy, and themed movie nights. “We have long been fans of the SATO48 film challenge. While local venues, such as the Moxie, have previously shown these flicks we are looking forward to carrying some of these local films on our station,” said the GM.

Indie music coverage will be provided as well, covering local acts as well as touring bands and groups who swing by Randy Bacon Studios en route to SXSW. The comedy schedule will include series such as Ozarkslandia, Skinny Improv TV, The Improvadors Show, the return of The Mystery Hour (a local talk show) and round out the schedule with a full half hour of Fair City News updates.

“Local independent productions will subject to review and we won’t be broadcasting anything in poor taste. Plus we won’t have to show any foreign films because we are local,” said one staffer.

Red carpet is rolled out at the Vice Theater

Outside City Limits – According to sources, the recent mobile phone ban at Campbell 16 Cine has convinced a local entrepreneur to begin construction on the Vice Theater, a movie house that will allow customers to do as they please while watching their favorite flicks. The Vice will serve beer and wine, have a fine selection of cigars and will allow mobile communications during all screenings.

Dan Newbie, the mastermind behind the idea, says that people go to the movies to escape not to be told what not to do to relax. “Look at the rules placed on us: No smoking, No alcohol, No phone calls, No texting, No talking, No laughing, No expressing emotion ,No eating popcorn too loudly, No crinkling candy wrapper, No outside food/drink, No free refills, No making out in back row, No clapping, No illegal taping / photography, No placing chewed gum under seat. Our theatre will allow all of these so called “bad” habits in the name of fun, which is exactly what today’s theater’s desperately lack,” said Newbie.

The theater is rumored to be housed in the old Illusions building south of town. The theater staff will be comprised mostly of women and will be required to wear revealing outfits and flirt with patrons as they order concessions, take tickets and will provide the occasional lap dance. The grand opening is scheduled this fall.

Invisible mascot adopted

Springfield, MO – New FOX affiliate KRBK announced today that they’ve hired beloved Sesame Street icon Mr. Snuffleupagus as their new spokesman. Snuffy, as he’s commonly known commented “KRBK is a great station, they’re just like me…no one believes they exist, but I do. Big Bird can see both of us.” KRBK stated “We know we’re jerking the Ozarks around about our signal, so we thought it would be a great idea to hire a spokesman who can relate to our situation. We do note that Big Bird can get KRBK since he put an antenna on his head and he’s tall enough to get our signal”

FOX KRBK also commented, ”We really are going all out to convince people we’re for real. The fact we thought transmitters grew on trees was just wrong. We then bought some blue pills thinking they’d get our tower up, but all it did was create smurfs” Snuffy went on to say, “I really feel sorry for them, I went through this for 15 years on Sesame Street, and finally someone other than Bird saw me”.

Big Bird added, “I get FOX KRBK and although they have an unhealthy obsession with the Rams, I still watch their infomericals, and really bad cutins. At my lake cabin, FOX KRBK is about the only thing I can get, and hopefully when I get my satellite dish, I can watch something other than this. I miss watching Mister Rogers.”

KRBK is working to get a signal on the air by April 31.

VHS tapes are worth their weight in oxygen

Springfield, MO – The American Film Institute has commissioned the flea markets of Springfield, Missouri, to become the official historical preservation sites of the nation’s remaining supply of unwanted VHS movies. AFI officials awarded the prestigious honor only after an extensive evaluation of many cities. The results showed that Springfield’s local flea markets have an unmatched dedication to this antiquated technology.

For years, VHS has lined booths in these facilities with an eclectic assortment of Hollywood’s most forgettable. “Every booth is like stepping into a time-capsule of forgotten media technology,” said an AFI official. “Where else could copies of Batman & Robin, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, and every Jean Claude Van Damme movie ever made be found side-by-side?”

Although a bit dusty, these VHS movies have rarely been disturbed from their natural resting states. One flea-market purveyor recalls a customer last interacting with a tape back in 2007. “I remember it like it was yesterday,” said an employee of Urban Market on E. Trafficway. “We were very nervous when this man grabbed a copy of Total Recall off the shelf. We weren’t sure what would happen. But after quickly looking over the cover, he just put it back in its place. I’ll bet his fingerprints are still there to this day!” “One thing is for certain,” said the AFI official. “Springfield’s flea-market patrons will forever be treated to an awe-inspiring display of lack luster titles from this time-worn technology.”

Nerds, geeks, neo-maxi zoomed dweebies line up this summer

Springfield, MO- Numerous area nerds decided to simply wait all summer in line due to the variety of nerdy movies playing this season. The nerds, on summer break from their computer science studies from MSU, thought being able to get great seats at various midnight showings is much better than having a normal social life or taking place in a normal society as a whole.

“We didn’t really have a choice in the matter,” states Charles Wheatling, in a high pierced nasally tone. “First we had Thor, then X-Men after that, then GL, then Transformers, then HP7P2, then Capt, then Rise of the Apes. What are we going to do? Make out with our girlfriends in between movies? Yeah right, mine is still on that modeling gig in her homeland of Candia.”

The nerds find activities to fill their time during the weeks in between the showings. The activities include: playing arcade classics on their tablets, blogging about The Hobbit, writing their “Thundar the Barbarian” fan fiction, playing that weird multi-level chess game seen on Star Trek, and creating social network sites whose idea they stole from various sets of Harvard twins.

“Sure we have to make some sacrifices. We are on a diet of pizza, rainwater, and dropped popcorn. We have to live in tents that don’t magically expand like in HP4,7P1. And we have to deal with the muggles who want to watch non-awesome movies like ‘Bad Teacher,’” states Percy Glosser in between inhaler hits. Although the sacrifices are many, the nerds know it will be worth it. “We will be the first to watch Hollywood ruin our beloved characters and mythology so we can angrily complain via the internet before anyone else can. You can’ put a price tag on that, I wouldn’t trade for a million kreptars,” states Glosser.

No one at FCN knows what a kreptar is.

Moms signing up for pole dance workout at The Pony

Springfield, MO—The Pony Club, a local gentlemen’s club, is offering pole-dancing workouts during the day in an attempt to reach a new crowd of local health-seeking patrons. The classes will be offered during the club’s off hours, at 8, 9 and 10 am Monday through Friday.

“We thought we could capitalize on our empty stages and create a new revenue stream at the same time. Plus we are helping people shed some unwanted pounds,” said one club representative, Danny Shakers.

One unique aspect to the pole dance workout is that sessions will be open to the public. “Yes, people are encouraged to attend the pole dance workout and tip the exercisers, and we’ll have tubs of Jello on hand in case our class participants want to try and swim though it. It is very hard to swim though a gelatinous material, which provides a good cardiovascular workout,” said Shakers.

Regular dancers at the club will serve as instructors and will provide direction on a combination of stretching, strengthening, abdominal and cardio movements that firms, sculpts and tones the entire body to stripper music.

“We have a lot of time where our building goes unused, we think this is a great use of our facility plus it provides another workout option for moms who are seeking some adventures workouts,” said Shakers.

Let’s consider the all to familiar Christmas parties…it literally takes me all of January to get passed the agony of having to make small talk with the guy that I like even less this year than last.  And, it is not like the women like it any more than the men…truth be told they would like to grab most of their so called “friends” by the hair and bitch slap them into next week but simply won’t admit it.  Maybe I am just the lone person who will come right out and tell it like it is.  I guess I am a lot like that strange, fat, out-of-work trucker that lived next door to me years ago…odd guy but gave some great advice after a long afternoon of watching TV and knocking down a 30 pack of Keystone Lite …”there are two things you don’t talk about with people you don’t know…politics or religion,” he said.  Then, as he took one more puff off of his cig and pitched it over the fence into my yard I thought to myself…I will do you one even better…how about we just not talk at all.  Here is a motivational moment for you…next time your neighbor wants to talk just wave and say…not gonna happen pal.  He may flip you off but at least you’ll understand each other.

Keep em’ coming and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson