Cashew chicken flight is very popular between SGF and BGK

Springfield, MO – In an effort to cross-promote tourism in the area, the Springfield – Branson Airport has announced a new flight from Branson to Springfield and back. The short flight is anticipated to increase spending in the Ozarks by hundreds of dollars.

“We expect that the crosstown traffic generated is going to allow more spending within the Ozarks. Yes, it is going to cost $450 to travel 30 miles via air, but we predict that the easy access will encourage spending in Springfield and Branson,” said one travel official.

“Yeah we wuz planning to Springfield after Branson by driving, but when we heard that we could fly there and spend more money we wuz all aboard. Spending money increases the local economies, so we wuz all in,” said tourists Jimmy Ujilkifsh.

The anticipated increase in tourist dollars has encouraged businesses to sponsor the flights between the two destinations. Air passengers can choose between the “Yak-your-trek-off”, “Redneck Travelers” or the “Cashew Chicken Express” based on travelers expectations.

“I choose the ‘Cashew Chicken Express’ because we were actually served cashew chicken on our flight. I’m sure it’d be nice to be serenaded by Redneck tenors or entertained by Yakov, but I’m a big eater and the food was a big draw to me,” said Nate Emerson as he slurped down his remaining in-air flight meal.

Shebly described the holding pattern as boooo-ring

Springfield, MO—A homemade Pipistrel airplane, holding two men, has finally landed now that the Springfield-Branson National Airport has finally reopened. “For Pete’s sake it is a national airport. I didn’t expect it to be shut down for three-four days,” said the pilot, Nick Shelby, upon landing, “you don’t see Regan or O’Hare closing for 10 minutes much less a week at a time!”

The local airport had issued a warning to travelers months in advance and contacted the FAA to redirect any aircraft wishing to make a landing during the 4 day long construction project to resurface the landing strip. “We took great pains to avoid a situation like this. We even made a Facebook group to notify pilots of our upcoming facelift. I’m not sure how this pilot got off track but thank God he had enough fuel for 4 days of a holding pattern while we finished up the runway,” said a spokesperson for the airport.

Shelby said he took off before the Springfield-Branson National Airport closed and was listening to “Fly Like an Eagle” by the Steve Miller Band on his radio headset, which likely distracted him from the tower signing off.

While he was circling over the airport, Shelby said he saw what he believed to be Falcon HTV-2 hypersonic glider land on the strip needing “repair” and was whisked off to a secret hanger location. “It was an arrow-shaped aircraft that launches in a rocket, separates and then glides at hypersonic speeds of 13000 mph, of course the only place it could land would be at an airport that was ‘closed for the week’,” commented Shelby.

Expedia expands into air transportation services

Springfield, MO—The internet travel company Expedia recently opened a new operations center in the old terminal building at the Springfield Branson National Airport, and now they’re moving deeper into the travel industry by offering air traffic control services.

“We were already on the airport grounds, so we thought why not diversify and expand into air traffic control,” said Jack Hanover, VP of Operations for Expedia.

The company just finished erecting a control tower above their offices and they aim to offer airlines an alternative to the government-run control tower on the southwest side of the field.

Local traveler George Peterson welcomes the competition. “We need to get big government, with their highly trained professionals and outstanding safety record, out of aviation and encourage free market competition,” he said.

To work in the new tower, Expedia employees must complete a two-week course and purchase their own binoculars.

Newly-trained controller Travis Rothchild,18, has found his job very rewarding. “Just last week I hooked up a United Express flight with runway 14, which is closer to the terminal, when the other tower had given them runway 20. Saved them 3 minutes! Although it did put them on a collision course with a UPS plane that then had to take evasive action to avoid hitting them. But it’s all good!”

If this new endeavor is successful for Expedia, Hanover says they’ll likely look at competing in other government-dominated industries.

“We’ve been itching to get into food safety inspections and touching people’s swim suit areas.”

Nation's First Diverging Diamond Runways

Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as an entirely new way to handle air traffic.

“Is it the most efficient design? No,” Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal said. “Is it safe? Absolutely not. But it’s the first in the nation, and that was what we were going for.”

“It really seems like a horrible idea,” said American Eagle captain David Young, who piloted the first airplane into the airport after the diverging diamond runways opened. “We touched down normally, but just a couple thousand feet down the runway it started curving to the left. We were still going like 100 mph and the tires were squealing and we narrowly avoided hitting a Cessna that had landed the opposite direction and was crossing through the diamond. But hey, it is the first one in the nation, so that’s pretty cool.”

Questions have arisen not only about the safety of the design, but also whether it’s even allowed under federal aviation regulations. If the design is found to be in violation, the city could face multi-million dollar fines.

When shown an illustration of the new runway configuration, FAA Administrator Randy Babbit said “Oh yea we’re totally going to fine them.”

Not content with stopping at road and air, Mayor O’Neal said the city is currently looking at area rivers that they could split and then rejoin into a “Diverging Diamond Confluence.”

Pretty much the only thing nonstop flight passengers will ever see

Branson, MO—Branson Airport has added two new nonstop flights that never stop. Branson AirExpress, operated by ExpressJet Airlines, will operate the nonstop flights May 17^th.

The nonstop flights are a first for the airport which usually operates between destinations. Offering nonstop flights comes with unique requirements such as mid-air refueling and restocking of supplies. The Airport Executive Director said, “we’re proud to offer nonstop flights for passengers who never want to return to Earth.”

Passengers will be aboard the planes until their demise and those who pass while aboard the nonstop flights will have their corpses jettisoned from the aircraft. Passengers will be allowed to book their nonstop flight willingly for themselves or friends and family can pay for tickets for those people they find annoying.

The criminal segment is taking particular interest in the program as an optional life sentence solution. “If I could load up an AirBus full of the most rotten criminals and send them hurdling around the globe, I could free up a lot of jail space,” said Greene County Jail manager Hewie Didit.

“I’d love to travel, I think a nonstop flight will be the best way to see the world!” said a giddy Rebecca Gower, who didn’t fully grasp the concept of never being allowed to exit the plane.

Branson Airport adds trophy mounts to all flights

Springfield, MO—Not to be outdone by the Springfield-Branson National Airport’s increase in passengers, the Branson Airport has unveiled plans to add hunting trophies to the interior of each flight arriving and departing from the terminal.

“Most airports have distinct personalities, we have a rustic outdoor sporting feel and the taxidermy has been a welcome addition to flights for our customers,” said Branson Airport management.

Most flights originating from the Branson Airport will feature multiple stuffed animals both in first class and coach seating. “First curtain will contain the more exotic mounts, the lions, bears, tigers…all the Oz animals, coach will have whitetail deer, birds of prey and animals indigenous to the Ozarks,” said Rusty Maltrop, a local taxidermist assigned to create the in-flight wildlife museum.

Passengers arriving today were the first to experience the new décor and most had a positive experience. Jessica Rutledge said, “it was cool, I was a bit cramped because the deer head in my aisle was mounted to the side of the plane and the antlers were poking me, but y’know I liked it.”

“I went to place my carryon bag into the overhead compartment and a huge turtle greeted me. I was surprised at first. In fact, I had to dry my pants in the lavatory before we took off. I loved it, what a great story to tell my family,” remarked Kenny Ribbles.

The Branson Airport has plans to install robotic mounts to help with the preflight instructions. According to reports, a robotic beaver will guide passengers through seatbelt usage, emergency exit procedures and water landings.

Frontier Airlines cited the added esthetics as the decisive factor in determining whether or not to add services to the Branson Airport. Frontier released a statement saying, “We think an airport that is dedicated to providing a custom, unique experience is a good fit for our brand. We’re excited to service outdoorsy people from the Ozarks hills to the Rocky Mountains.”

“The May numbers are a surprise,” Jeff Bourk, Executive Director, Branson Airport, said in a news release, “It was the busiest month in the airport’s history. To manage that, in the middle of a recession, is a tribute to the strength of the Branson air market and the local economy.”

“Didn’t the Branson airport just open this Spring?” asked local traveler Ben Uman.

Officials attribute the growth to lower fares, as airlines try to fill seats by cutting prices; having absolutely no growth or traffic last May; and an airport advertising campaign leading up to the airport opening – an event that closely coincided with the opening of the new terminal at Springfield-Branson Airport.

“Our growth numbers and percent change over last year are enormous. Nobody could have predicted we’d have infinite percent increases. Nobody I know can even count that high, so really it’s more of an educated guess. Our accountants gave it a thumbs up. Double thumbs in fact. That’s twice as good,” said Bourk.

Attempts to explain the numerical flaws to airport officials failed. “When you start with zero, any increase in traffic would positive growth…(Branson Airport) are always trying to one-up us!” said Gary A. Cyr, Sr., Director of Aviation at Springfield Branson National Airport.

Yes, Saturday hundreds of visitors sat in traffic for hours before even reaching the new facility to enjoy the Branson air show. Branson Mayor, Raeanne Presley, said, “our citizens have a long tradition of waiting in long lines of cars. I always thought everyone drove slowly so they could read each and every billboard posted along the HWY 76, but now I know it is simply an enjoyable rite of passage.”

The Branson air show drew large crowds and required several pilots who were equally impressed by the long lines awaiting them on the runway. Pilots hung their hands out little airplane windows as they slowly made their way down the new Branson airport runway. Most pilots were seen craning their necks to see how long they would have to taxi. The sheer speed and power of the United States Air Force Thunderbirds proved to be no match for a little Branson traffic.

“For the first 45 minutes I was cool waiting on the runway, after that I got real angry, then I lost my mind and was just silly and slap happy…I started signing 99 Bottles Of Beer to the tower in a vampire voice just to see if I could annoy them,” said Thunderbird pilot Hurley Grit.

“It was amazing,” Jody Nutherlyre of Fair Grove said as she watched the six Thunderbirds sit on the runway. “I was absolutely overwhelmed by the snarled jam of aircraft as I watched from my car barricaded on the access road.”

As the million dollar air machines sat lifeless on the tarmac, several thousands of people sat in their vehicles slowly inching closer together. “Our research indicated that we could open a new stream of revenue by lining the landing strip with billboards, t-shirt shacks and taffy stores to accommodate the long lines of airline passengers who will be using our private-funded commercial airport,” said Jeff Bourk, Executive Director, Branson Airport.

Airport officials say these curbside services would add another facet to the “concierge-level” service it provides to customers as they wait.

The old terminal has run out of airline operating space. Airline office space is currently rationed at the old terminal due to the fact that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) uses much of it to screen baggage. As a result, the Airport cannot accommodate new airlines without displacing TSA. There is currently no space remaining to house airline ground handling equipment. “I want to say that I have succumb to the terrorist demands and will roll my shining face over to the new spankin’ fresh terminal where I can enjoy free wifi, wide open spaces, comfortable seating and convenient security checks. Take that terrorists!” responded a passing passenger.

Passengers and baggage now undergo security screening that no one anticipated before 9/11. It requires lots of space—for passenger screening and baggage screening. In the current terminal the main passenger screening station is jammed into the area between the lobby and the gate entrances. Baggage screening takes place in small rooms that were used by airlines. These space limitations make the whole process cumbersome and slow. The new terminal streamlines security by providing adequate space. The end result: customers should spend less time waiting in lines.