Newt Gingrich…the bowl cut…really?  Santorum simply sounds too much like scrotum.  Dr. Paul is like Elmer Fudd…nice guy, but nobody really wants him at the party.   Jon Huntsman looks like he could cry at any moment and Rick Perry is just plain scary.  You know, there is a part of me that would like to see Perry just beat the living tar out of Romney.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, Michelle Bachman is a whack job.  I don’t know if she has been drinking or smoking but I can promise you that glazed over look in her eye isn’t from reading the constitution. And then, there is the idea of bringing back Mr. Obama for another 4 years.  How did this guy get elected in the first place?  We must have been desperate….oh yeah, I forgot, we were.  This guy appears to have no sense of reality.  Shrink the military??  I think we should put President Obama in a  padded room with Dick Chaney for 24 hours with nothing but a shotgun, a jug of crisco oil and a life-size Ronald Reagan doll.

Maybe that crazy bastard can straighten him out.  Well, I guess one way or the other one of these jackwagons will get elected and we can end this freak show…or we could bring back…Sarah Palen…you no what, let’s not!!
“I say we don’t vote for any of these candidates.  I would write in the name Assclown Johnson.  I think that might motivate both parties to find new candidates and I think it would be funny to see the mainstream media talking about a guy named Assclown.”

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Couple celebrates their personal debt ceiling deal

Springfield, MO—Jerry and Trisha Thumbolt reached an historic agreement this week on a compromise to raise their new personal debt ceiling limit in exchange for more than $200,000 in long-term spending cuts.

Mr. Thumbolt emphatically passed the emergency legislation Tuesday to avoid a first-ever Thumbolt family default, rushing the legislation to Mrs. Thumbolt for her signature just hours before the deadline. The vote (3-1) capped an extraordinarily difficult battle pitting homemaker forces in the house against Jerry and free spending ways of the breadwinner.

House Leader Trish Thumbolt said, “both my cats and I gave more ground than we  wanted to. But we’re comfortable with the increase in debt allowances because we need a new couch in the side room and my Target Visa card is burning a hot-damn hole in my purse.”

Breadwinner Jerry Thumbolt said that the pact “will ensure significant cuts in family spending” and he assured his future children that a first-ever default on Thumbolt obligations won’t occur.

“We have made allowances for us to continue spending like hell without addressing any specific, immediate cuts. In fact, we Thumbolt’s have agreed to cut discretionary spending by $200,000 over the next 10 years. That’s like 20 grand a year. Hell, if I don’t buy a new car every year (like a really, really want to) I’ve got it made!”

Tea Party Cove takes shape

Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that others when it comes to “living the American dream”.

Unfortunately for organizers, their research didn’t fully comprehend the intense level of floating debauchery at Party Cove. “When we pulled into the cove I expected citizens to be discussing reduction of national debt, not two naked men grinding on a blow up doll dressed like Michele Bachmann,” said Tea Party member Deloris Johansen, “but it was a bit humorous.”

It didn’t take long for “Tea Party Cove” to take shape. During the daylong rally, Tea Party members shared original interpretations of the United States Constitution between keg stands and bong hits with other boaters. The Federal Budget deficit was a popular topic among couples who danced to “Sweet Home Alabama” while flashing their breasts to passersby.

Other Tea Party members were amused to hear Party Cove revelers scream welcome phrases at their pontoon boat covered in American flag bunting. “They were yelling ‘show your Teas, show you Teas, show your Teas’ at us as we idled by them,” said Linda Personably, “I thought it was really endearing and welcoming.”

Tea Party members left the rally with a new meaning behind their moniker. Formerly known as “Taxed Enough Already” they now refer to themselves as “Trashed Enough Already”.

FEMA unicorns dispatched to Joplin via the velvety tones of Obama

Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns.

As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the glittery specs dissipated, a loud chorus of angels sang and the federally approved unicorn herd flew down from the Heavens, illuminated by an effervescent light from above.

W. Craig Fugate, Administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), confirmed that the legendary woodland creatures will remove debris, serve meals and provide financial assistance to those in need.

Joplin resident John Knoxvorn said, “I was really impressed by President Obama’s speech and I was equally enthralled by the entrance of the unicorn herd.” Unfortunately, most were disappointed by the real work done by the horned beasts. “After Obama flew away most of the ‘herd’ turned out to be cardboard cutouts. The only magic that was produced by one unicorn was a heap of dung. I’m pretty sure it was a donkey with a painted paper towel roll taped to its head,” said Knoxvorn.

One animal was seen pulling a rope attached to a car trying to haul it to the landfill. “I saw that thing hiffing and puffing. It finally fell over dead. The FEMA unicorns are a crock. Of course, I hear real unicorns only help virgins, so I guess I’m not getting any assistance anytime soon! Hey ladies, how you doin?” remarked Stan Fillumger.

Recent grads head down to the unemployment line

Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government assistance.

“Who are we kidding?” states a government employee. “These kids have no chance. My father got laid off last month and he worked there for 15 years. What is a philosophy major with a minor in modern tap going to do? Die. Die on the street, that’s what.”

After the graduates get their checks, they will be sent to a bread line for their meager rations, then a bon fire where they will use their diplomas as kilning for warmth. A resume workshop will also be available.

“Why wasn’t I born in the 90’s. That sweet spot before one recession and after another. Now here I am shacked up in my parent’s basement living on pizza rolls and playing ‘World of Warcraft’…which I have be doing since high school. And actually it’s not that bad,” states Ronne Hawkins, a recent graduate.

Not all students feel their future will be bleak. Students in the fields of nursing, insurance, gold digging, and literally digging for gold seem to be doing quite well.

“I just decided to go out west and strike it rich. I know my odds of finding gold are slim, but way better than finding a job. And I rather stay in this tree in the middle of the woods living off honey and badger meat than begging on the streets, or working at Waffle House,” states graduate David Walden as he burrows in for the night.

Many experts state jobs numbers will improve once we are invaded by China and becoming a “morlock-like” working caste.

Paul the Nixa Hellhound releases birth certificate to confirm existence

Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day.

“Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He is a mythical creature that prowls Christian County, he does consume cattle and is in fact a hound that originated in or near Hell, hence his unusual yet descriptive surname,” said his publicist Harry Henderson.

In an interview with news anchor Joe Daues, Paul said, “I just want to put this silliness to rrrrr-eeest.” Henderson said the long-form birth certificate will hopefully end speculation regarding the Hellhound’s certifiable existence and will force doubters to acknowledge his presence.

The document contained real doctor signatures and confirmed the birth mother and father of Paul. “Paul is the product of a demon and a dog, his mother Miss Buttons actually gave birth to him and his father Lucifer was present at the time of birth,” confirmed Henderson.

Local farmer Joel McDermittbun said, “Well, now I know I ain’t crazy. I done seen that rascal take away a monkey and an alpaca that I had tied up in my yard. Guess I can go ahead and claim that with my insurance agent.”

The Hellhound’s birth certificate was provided via a special dispensation from Hades and was stamped with an official seal of the Beast.

Scrumb visited by spirits of President's Day past

Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits.

Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. They warned Scrumb that he would be visited by 3 spirits to teach him the true meaning of President’s Day.

The first spirit showed up at the stroke of midnight. The ghost of President’s Day past, a flying John Adams, took Scrumb on a wonderful journey to his past. There he saw his lonely childhood where his father refused to pick him up on President’s Day, his young adulthood where he enjoyed Wuzzyfig’s extravagant President’s day ball, and a fight over his constant working on President’s Day with his lover.

The second spirit (a giant, bearded Obama) showed Scrumb the Cratbit family’s pathetic feast and how if Scrum would “share the wealth” everyone could be happy. The spirit then showed Scrumb how Tiny Tom would be able to get all the health care he would need under his plan.

The final, most dreadful spirit came at the stroke of 2:14 (he was a little late). There a hooded figure showed Scrumb a scary graveyard. That was about it.

Scrumb woke up in a cold sweat, ready to start his new, generous life. After the night of unearthly visitations, Edgar decided to give all his money to various charities around the Ozarks. Also Scrumb has taken a special interest in the Cratbit family where he plans to use his connections to get on “Extreme Home Maker” and ABC’s new show “Who Wants To Be Cured Of Their Horrible Disease”.

Skyler less of a dick this year

Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year.

In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good with kids,” Pollard says, “Plus Skyler was kind of a dick. Can you call a kid a dick? Anyway, it got to the point that I’d stopped wanting to participate in holiday activities. But this year, something’s different. I can’t explain it. Skyler no longer makes me want to punch him in the head.”

A trend of mellowed-out youngsters seems to be on the rise, prompting a decrease in SRSD, according to Dr. Gwyneth Halbertson of The Institute for Pointless Research (IPR). “Shrieking and constantly-being-under-your feet are both down by 30% vs. last season, while asking ‘why?’ and demanding-things-from-just-out-of-reach are down by almost half,” Dr. Halbertson reports. Researchers are trying to explain this phenomenon, as currently there are no prescription drugs marketed for SRSD, and therefore no cure. She explains, “The economy’s been tough on everyone. Even small children are feeling the crunch and tightening their belts. They just can’t afford to be as annoying this year.”

Whatever the cause, Kevin Pollard looks forward to more pleasant interactions in upcoming holidays. “Who knows! I may even get to watch the Super Bowl this year!”

A cardboard cutout will debate this November

Springfield MO -  After weeks of negotiations between the seventh congressional candidates, Billy Long has agreed to a question and answer session between himself and his democratic opponent Scott Eckersly.  The date for the event is scheduled for November 1st, one day before the election.  According to the terms of the debate, sources have indicated that Billy Long won’t even make an appearance.  Instead a “live” Billy Long cardboard cutout of the candidate will be in place with a balloon caption reading ‘I’M FED UP!”.
“To be quite honest,” commented Long, “I thought the August primary was the election,”  Long further added, ” The people in the seventh district know where I stand and that is being FED UP.  Since this is not a real debate that would allow boring rebuttals that no one would listen to anyway it would be a waste of time to show up.  My answer for anything is I’M FED UP.”
Long maintains that questions such as, “How do you feel about corporate bail outs, illegal immigration, health care the Obama and Pelosi agenda?” can all be answered by the answer “I’M FED UP!”  This reflects the thinking in southwest Missouri and being FED UP is what the people want confirmed his campaign manager.

“The bottom line is November 3rd I will be moving to Washington D.C.. The people in southwest Missouri will see me on C-SPAN when they cover Congress.  I will be the one wearing the cowboy hat.  Now when was the last time common sense folks elected someone with a cowboy hat?  It has been a quite a while since that happened,” said Long.

Traffic cones consume society In Springfield, MO

Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area.

Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits.

Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once the road project nearest them is completed as a souvenir for the “rebuilding of America” according to President Obama.

Economic stimulus funds are providing the catalyst for highway and thoroughfare improvement, however a side booming business is the cultivation of new traffic cones. The true origin of the traffic cone is not truly understood. Most agree that they are manufactured and distributed, however, some organizations–such as the Traffic Cone Preservation Society–suggest the Conus originates from an ancient squid known as Polypodis narensis.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen so many cones appear at once. Maybe they are a living species and multiplying in construction environments where they thrive… Or maybe a dude in a truck drops them off. I’m not sure anymore,” said Hershel Jones who lives next to the intersection of highway 44 and Glenstone. He continued, “If they are an alien life form, I hope they introduce me to Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain.”