Bottled stank available soon

Springfield, MO—The smelly, nasty cheese stank that rolls out of the Kraft plant on Glenstone Avenue will soon be available as a fragrance for people who wish to spray themselves with memories of the Ozarks.

The new bottled scent called “Eau de Cheese” goes on sale at local gas stations next month. Made of essential oils, alcohol and leftover cheese the unisex perfume is first captured as a gas emitted out the roof of the plant, cooled in a pipe and is collected in reservoirs for further processing and bottling.

Herman Jonses, the man who came up with the idea said, “I’ve lived across from the plant for years and you can always tell when they are making a new batch of cheese ‘cause it comes right over the street and into my house.” Jonses claimed that several former neighbors who once lived near him would appreciate the aromatic reminder of their old block.

“Jonses sent me this bottle that reeked of something awful, when I opened the package it hit me and I knew exactly what it was. Kraft. That SOB done bottled it up and sent it to me, I appreciate that,” said former neighbor, Louis Nellifind.

If the cologne sales increase an entire line of body washes could become available. “I see men’s skin care, body lotions and after shave as real possibilities in the future, if the market wants it,” said Jonses, “of course, Kraft has no idea that I’m making this stuff.”

A Body Hair hopefull displays his Arm Pit Hawk

Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event.

Body Hair contestants will compete in four categories: Armpit, Genital, Back and Buttocks. “I’m so glad that they’ve opened up these categories for people like me who can’t grow a beard to save my life,” said Huey Tracy, a confirmed participant in the Buttocks category. “I’ve been growing out my chia arse shag for over 30 years; I never thought I would be in a position to be rewarded for it,” said Tracy, who claims to be able to support a small monkey clinging to his fuzzy assfro hindquarters.

Joey Unger plans to contend in the genital hair-straightening component of the contest. According to his mother-in-law, he’s been using all of her Aqua Net for three months preparing for the event. Unger claims to have perfected the “flying V” which he will unveil on Saturday night.

The worst performing Beard and Moustache competitors will judge all body hair sculpting, or manscaping. Event organizers said they couldn’t find any volunteers to judge the Body Hair event, so Beard & Moustache entrants who score the least amount of points will be punished by gazing upon the unsightly places that hair usually isn’t groomed on a man.

No word yet as to the inclusion of the Body Hair Competition into the BTUSA, or Beard Team USA, as they have only recognized facial hair in competitive chapters. Budd Johnsten holds out hope, “if people can be recognized for their thick burly muttonchops, then why can’t my Coolio-style braided back hair be applauded publicly?”

This woman will be severely taxed under the new proposal, up to twenty dollars per wrinkle

Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer.

“I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that the government thinks it is bad for me, I’ll be going there to fake bake while chewing tobacco, smoking a cigar and scratching off my lottery tickets,” said local bad-boy Rod Stevens as he punched a kitten.

Local tax auditor Bill Emhard said, “taxing tanning beds only confirms the popularity of the practice. All good things in life are taxed; beer, smokes, gas, firearms, ammunition, phone cards, dirty magazines. Hey if it makes you feel good, Uncle Sam wants a piece of it.”

Tanning bed owner Red Cheeks has seen tanning reservations jump since news of the new tax hit the streets. “I’ve had numerous people book several sessions for this week, some have multiple appointments in one day. Everyone wants to get their tanning in before the price hike.”

Opponents to the tax include local cosmetic surgery centers who claim that if tanning is taxed, more people will be discouraged from the practice, thus limiting their customer base. “Who’s going to come to us for wrinkle reductions?” pondered Mark E. Raser, a local physician.

Once legislation allows, one owner is looking to add a medicinal marijuana pharmacy to his tanning salon so he can bring in additional income to cover the tanning tax. He plans to rename his businesses “Get High and Fry”.

Politicians see the tanning tax issue fading once over time once people become accustomed to the fee increases. Other taxable activities proposed include walking in the sunshine, looking at the sun directly, use of a sundial, and drinking sun-cured teas.

Albino Farm caretaker prepares for his first Mistic spray tan at Albi-No-More

Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, depending on who is telling you the story.

The present day owner of the property, Jerry Overholser, thought it was time for a change. “I’m plum tired of teenagers sneaking around on the property,” explained Overholser. “I figured if I can’t get the teenagers out of the albino farm, I’ll get the albino’s out of the albino farm.”

Overholser is hoping to begin a different perspective on the property. Albi-No-More is planned to have four standard beds, one Mystic spray-on tanning room, and one super powered machine designed specifically for modern day albinos called Burnt Toast. The interior is decorated with inspirational before and after pictures, with a picture of an albino on the left and a picture of the same albino glowing red on the right. Albinos, by the way will get a special punch card for one free tan after enduring nine. At the grand opening they plan to give away Oreos, with the cream licked out to the first 100 customers.
Standing near the newly asphalted parking lot, teenager Troy Spelster, is not in favor of the new plan. “I’ve had some of my best times on the Albino Farm. Ain’t nothing scary about a copper bronzed ghost chasing you.”
According to Overholser that’s exactly the idea, “A brand new, well lit steel building with office furniture, a wide variety of oils, and watts and watts of UV rays won’t scare off anybody. Well, unless you’re scared of cancer I suppose.”

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his four Tan Aura locations, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.

As part of Tan Aura’s exclusive B9 Bronze package, biopsies can be purchased 3 for $30 or 5 for $145 plus a 10% discount with any student i.d. or Relay for Life t-shirt.

In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”