People line up to participate in 'Brown Friday'

Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds.  Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front of the pack while being careful not to get trampled.  Once inside their destination, they must quickly take advantage of their situation as they release the pent up energy that’s been building inside.  No, it’s not pre-holiday shopping deals that they will take advantage of, but an emergency trip to the bathroom to evacuate their bowels on what’s being dubbed “Brown Friday”.

“One can only stretch their stomach and the laws of physics so far until something has to give,” says MSU Department of Biomedical Sciences professor, Gottog Opoo.  “What goes up, must come down. What goes in …well you get the rest.  Stuffing oneself on triple helpings of Aunt Jeanie’s marshmellow yams and cheese casserole can only lead to one inevitable conclusion.”

Local plumbers will be on-call for any emergency toilet issues that may arise.

“Toilets are only designed to handle so much,” said a DeLong Plumbing representative.  “To be sure that your family is protected, check your toilet manufacturer’s operating limits guidelines.  Past ‘Brown Friday’s’ have seen a 10 fold increase in toilet usage.  Let’s just say that our local sewer system will be nearing its maximum capacity.”

Despite the health risks associated with over-eating and the stress on our aging sewer systems, this popular tradition is likely to endure for generations to come.  It does seem certain that after Thanksgiving, come the crack of dawn, Ozarkers will continue to dawn their cracks.”

Season's Greetings shared during Holiday Traffic

Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf hate by the knuckle-headed drivers clogging the thoroughfares.

Mick Roseycheeks sobbed, “I was ready to go out and buy my wife a nice gift, she’s done so much for me over the past year after I lost my job and gained 50 pounds. But, I couldn’t take the damn traffic, I…I went crazy, started cutting people off and riding their tails like the Lone Ranger on Silver. I finally cracked and had to get out. I got her a 6-pack of 5-hour energy at the convenience store on my way home.”

Numerous holiday drivers were seen passing illegally on shoulders, stealing parking spots and purposefully riding their brakes to annoy the drivers behind them. “Some nasty ass honkey right in front of me actually stopped at a yellow light after we had been waiting for 8 miutes. Who does that in this traffic!? Go! Go! Go!” said Roseycheeks.

The loss of the holiday spirit seems to have translated to shopping as well. At least 12 fistfights were reported at local businesses including Wal-Mart, Target, Toys-R-Us and Gordman’s among others. Motorists are encouraged to travel only if absolutely necessary during this holiday traffic season.

Black Friday shoppers line up to recieve discounted medical treatment at St. John's Hospital

Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.

“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim in line. I think it is nuts but whateve,” said one hospital patient peering out of her window. The line of people extended from the St. John’s Hospital entrance through the parking lot to the St. John’s Surgery Center.

The Heart Rock Deli and Skyview Café provided snacks to those waiting in line for services ranging from emergency needs to elective surgery. “I’ve had a broken arm for two weeks and I’ve been waiting for the Black Friday sale so I could get a great deal on my ‘first aid’ and recovery fees,” said Huey Torrent, who broke his arm in an arm wrestling contest.

Several deal-seekers confided that they had been living with multiple health problems allowing them to pile up until this special season. “Last month my cough increased and my pregnancy resulted in a premature home birth, however, I thought I could wait a bit until I could get the best price to be admitted to a hospital. Thank you St. John’s!” said Roxie Jump, holding her newborn infant.

St John’s Health System offered half-price cancer treatments, 40% off all CyberKnife radiosugery in the neuroscience department, as well as, up to 80% off routine doctor visits.

“In this time of medical uncertainty for millions of Americans, we felt it necessary to provide an opportunity for every person to have access to medical care. Insured or uninsured, our discounted services apply to each person seeking treatment,” said St. John’s Health System President/CEO, Kim Day.