Branson Landing sale spoiled by actual bombers

Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season.

“If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, “Fortunately, this bomb scare has shed some light on our endeavors and people now know that they can shop for goods in an area of some excitement.”

“I always thought I had to travel to some exotic place to put my life in danger. Y’know some third world country or war-torn city-state. Now, all I have to do to appreciate my precious life is go shopping at a nearby outdoor mall,” said Holly Summers, a resident of Clever, MO.

The  “Boom Sale” was to feature explosive savings on the great deals offered to consumers. However, after a local meth head couple placed a real bomb on the property, most shoppers are avoiding the region and resorting to online purchases.

“I’m not planning to leave my house until 2012 has passed. There are just too many crazy people out there,” said Toby Hollis, a local hermit who hasn’t left his trailer home since the Millennium scare of 2000.

“WTF? I thought we were protected by John Cougar Mellencamp here in the heartland. Who are these dung eaters tying to blow up my little pink house?” pondered James Smith.

According to police reports, brainsick, lunatic, softheads can be found in areas where meth production is at peak production. Local government suggests that all citizens appreciate life day-by-day and report any half-baked jackasses trying to steal an ATM machine to local authorities.

After the bomb was found on the Branson Landing, Missouri officially secured guaranteed street cred with other terror-filled states. The Show-Me State has joined the ranks of other shell-shocked states such as Oklahoma, New York and Montana.

Som-bitch bum posing as Santa Claus on the Polar Express

Branson, MO— The Branson Scenic Railway’s Polar Express has become overrun with hobos and train jumpers claiming to be Saint Nick. Unsavory transients have flocked to the inaugural officially licensed train ride event near the Branson Landing due to the ease of hitching a ride.

“Sure we just go ‘round and come back, but it is still a free ride,” said Samuel Loren a frequent freeloader who has a long beard and slightly resembles Santa Claus. “I just ask the kids what they’d like for Christmas, tell ‘em they’ve been a nasty turd and I ain’t gettin’ them nothin’ this year ‘cept maybe a pile of coal that falls out the coal train,” he continued.

During this Great Recession, several Ozarkers have been forced into a life of wandering and homelessness. Train jumping provides an entertaining way to pass the time. “One day, my old boss and his kids we’re boarding the train and I decided to jump out and scare ‘em real bad. I said ‘the Henderson’s are elf killers!’ That shook up his kids. Serves him right for dumping me in favor of a new printer,” said Roger Grenwich, a former Staples employee.

Polar Express employees have been partially to blame for the nuisance as they give the dinner car scraps to the 21^st century hobos. “if you feed a cat and he wont’ go away, well you shouldn’t have fed that cat,” said an unidentified Branson Scenic Railway conductor. He continued by saying, “people complain about the smell of these men, the unprovoked finger gestures and the occasional booger-flipping that tend to water-down the experience we’ve worked so hard to present to our customers.”

“Hey, with my scraggly beard and tarnished clothes I may look like a bum Santa, but my new found freedom hitching rides on this train makes me feel like the high powered executive I once was,” said Louis DeQalb, a former Fidelity manager who moved to Springfield after he was fired for running a fantasy football pool.