Building covered with latex to prevent disease

Springfield, MO – Concerns for the health of vacant buildings in Springfield have been raised by city officials since a developer for Hickory Hills missed a payment deadline on the property.  It appears the same problems with Hickory Hills and the Heers building are strangely similar.  To see if the problems with these properties are in any way related, fluid, material samples and copies of development promises have been taken from both sites have been sent to the Center for Building Control located in Jefferson City.

Springfield Health official Tom Cleanbreath reports the findings from Jefferson City are not good.  “What the reports are saying is that the Hickory Hills property has is the same thing the Heers building has in the case of broken deals by the developer.  The good news is we now know what we are dealing with.  Tests results have confirmed that we have a building disease that is spreading called Heerpees.  At first we thought it might be a strain of Heerpatitis Type H but the tests to confirm it is Heerpees.

The developer Saul Lasso says that there is a cure for Heerpees and that is time and money.  “I admit that having Heerpees could hurt getting a anchor tenant for the property. No business wants to be in a location where there is disease.  Having Heerpees will not bring in customers.  There is a cure however and that is time extensions, loans, and tax incentives.  With those remedies in place I am sure Heerpees will be wiped out of Springfield forever.”

With these new findings City officials are being proactive in making sure the spread of Heerpees will try to be contained.  Giant latex wrappers will now cover the Heers and Hickory Hills buildings.  Any other property in the city limits that has been vacant for more than 6 months will also be covered in latex.  “Now we know what we are dealing with, we will make these buildings safe for the taxpayers and any future developers.”, reports Cleanbreath.

Heer's to receive plywood renovations

Springfield, MO—After years of negotiating, the Heer’s department store building will finally receive the renovation it has been waiting for: a good boarding up. The new plans to board up the building will be the first improvement the property has seen since 1994.

“The Heer’s building has been deteriorating for years. This boarding up is long overdue and much anticipated,” said one downtown resident Duey Huncher. “It really seems like everything is coming together now; the parking garage has been built next to Heer’s, the square is getting a much needed facelift and now the crown jewel of downtown will receive the updates she has longed for,” pined Huncher.

The boards that will seal the key to downtown development will be made of pristine, thin sheets of spruce layered and glued together so that the wood grain will be at right angles for greater strength and decreased chances of warping.

Commonly known as “plywood”, this flexible, cheap, workable, recyclable wood symbolizes not only the current economy but also the efforts over the years to breathe new life into the Heer’s building. “We’ve had developers working over time, finding cheap financing and making great concessions to bring this project together. I think the use of plywood is an appropriate symbol we could use to adorn the exterior of the gem built in 1915,” said a local Springfield resident, Horace Wait. “Oh and it is recyclable, we get a new developer involved every few years,” he added.

Beyond the new additions currently planned for the building, residents are anticipating more riveting news about the property: the announcement of a new owner.

Ceremonial shovel marks vacant lot building project

Springfield, MO—A prime piece of land that has been vacant for years in downtown Springfield will soon be developed, city officials announced on Tuesday. The 1.7 acre lot between the Springfield Expo Center and the Jordan Valley Car Park has seen plan after plan fall through, but starting next month construction will begin on The Center for Developing This Vacant Lot.

The $1.3 million facility will be used primarily for meetings with potential developers for the site. It will house a large conference room, kitchen, several offices, and a recreation room with ping pong and foosball tables.

“This will be a state-of-the-art meeting facility that’s sure to impress developers,” said a Springfield city manager, who came up with the idea for the CDTVL. “We did consider just holding meetings at City Hall, or even at Ziggie’s, but we really just wanted to go ahead and get something, anything, built on the site.”

Some area residents have questioned the wisdom in constructing such a building. “It’s asinine to build a huge building on a lot for the sole purpose of holding meetings to determine what to build on the lot,” said local businessman Donald Rapier. “What are they going to call it when it’s built? The Center for Developing This Lot That Is Now Occupied By This Building?”

The city manager admitted he hadn’t thought of that: “I guess we’d have to change the signage on the building once it’s built,” he said, “because technically it would no longer be a vacant lot.”

Heers & Gillioz buildings agree to spell check each others signage after classes

Springfield, MO—“It’s time we did something about it,” says Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal. “We can’t continue to have these two institutions of Springfield telling children that you can get by without an education.” Beginning October 14th the Heer’s Building and Gillioz Theatre will attend Remedial Spelling and Society at nearby Bryan College. The six-week course will focus on spelling fundamentals.

Springfield resident, Gloria Homeford is optimistic, “This will remove a black eye from our community. We have a real focus on education in Springfield and it’s time the big guys follow along. Bryan College is an excellent school, that’s why I am a medical assistant today.”

The two building were built near the turn of the century and have been anchors for the downtown area since they were built. The Convention and Visitor’s Bureau thinks it is the right move for the city. “It can be tough to tell older folks that they need to change,” says Louise Werner. “But, now we will hopefully be able to attract more literate tourists to the city.”
Heer’s and Gillioz released a joint statement today. “We are humbld buy this xprience. We wyll glaadly atend the claysses. Wii welkum anee ooppoortunity to beddar areselves. Sprynfyeld kan b azz ured that wii wll take thiis seariuslee. Heer’s has bin leting himselv go 4 a lngtyme. It haas ben a lonely tyme 4 him. After thys he hoopes to haf ppl live in him. Thank Yo.”

After several recounts, Plaza Towers deemed only to be one “tower”.

Springfield, MO— For years the Plaza Towers, a landmark building, has been referred to in the plural, now counting experts agree that only one structure exists at the corner of Glenstone and Sunshine. After several minutes of speculation and observation, one man Kris Flinger confirmed that the Plaza Towers “seems to be only one tower”.

“When I moved here from Sheboygan, everyone referenced the Plaza Towers when giving directions. At first I was confused by the name, then I would always wonder why just one building stood at the corner. I never wanted to ask because I figured the other building was sucked into a horrible black hole or something,” said Jenny Tulia.

Further proof of the singularity of the structure, beyond the visual, exists in the single address of the office building. “If two towers existed, you’d see multiple addresses or a tower distinction on the address label,” said Postman Red Hemmington.

As of press time, at least 25 people were polled as they left the building each with various responses. Most comments ranged from rage to confusion.  Most felt deceived that they were lead to believe that more than one tower existed, and were left to count on their own. “I do a lot of counting during my day, but I don’t expect to have to count multiple storied structures that I office in every week of the year,” said one building occupant who chose not to share his name.

Originally, the plans called for seven towers to be built on site, however construction costs dictated that the towers be condensed into one block-long single project. “We’re still holding out hope that we can build another tower to accompany the existing Plaza Towers,” said one Plaza Towers official.

Until then, people who count recommend dimming the “S” on the marquee signage to read “Plaza Tower”.