Creepy-ass sign not getting point across

Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean that the surrounding area is a “safe place” for people who sneak up behind and then grab innocent bystanders.

The “Safe Place” signs actually indicate that a nearby organization will provide support and safety to children and adolescents who are “at risk” or are in crisis situations, as part of “Project Safe Place.” But no one knows that, and so local business owners are hoping that the creepy sign doesn’t pop up near them.

“It would be awful if a ‘Safe Place’ sign were displayed near us,” said Ryan Wiksell, owner of The Front Porch downtown, “I would hate for people to be afraid to come and enjoy hanging out here at the Front Porch. People need to feel safe to have fun, and the Front Porch is definitely a safe place, not a ‘Safe Place.’”

The downtown clothing store Vintage Vice is right across from The Rare Breed, which displays the frightening sign. “I’m terrified to cross the street alone,” said Vintage Vice owner, Shawn Matthews, “I even set booby traps everywhere inside and outside my store. I assume to keep a location from becoming a ‘Safe Place’, you have to keep it somewhat dangerous—and that means to customers and sneaker-uppers alike.”

WTF sign displays multiple messages depending upon the motorist

Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.”

Others have found the sign to be perplexing at best or haven’t noticed it at all. “I was driving down the boulevard, saw a dude on a sign with three spikes coming out of his head, then I had to navigate a turnabout and the sign completely left my mind until just now,” said Chris Popperly, a student at Ozarks Technical Community College.

A MODoT spokesman confirmed that indeed the sign was in indicator of an upcoming turnabout intersection and said the origins of the sign design were to inform drivers that multiple exits are available mixed with a question mark to get them thinking.

Despite the explanation, the unusual graphic continues to suggest “Poseidon Ahead,”  “Three Beaked Swallow,” and “Yield Whichever Way You Want” to unsuspecting motorists.

“When I first saw it I thought it was a map showing the Gulf Oil Spill disaster complete with the origin of the failed well and the direction of the oil plumes,” said Heather Greenbitz.

Stone County's first line of storm defence is Ol' Lou and his pickup truck

Abesville, MO—Emergency management executives in Stone County will soon hire a Tornado Caller once the aging, expensive-to-maintain tornado/storm sirens are removed June 1^st.  The county says the existing sirens are too expensive to maintain and “having Ol’ Lou make the rounds in his pick ‘em up truck a hollerin’ a folks” will be much more budget friendly.

“Ol’ Lou don’t work. He drinks most of the time and drives through town three sheets to the wind yelling at people. I guess the county figures it’d be cheaper to let him loose when a tornader is round ‘stead of using the ‘nado warning sirens,” said local businessman Jergan Stevenson.

Most residents are of the town of Abesville are perfectly content not having an early warning system during the night. “Oh yeah, great. No sirens to wake me when I’m sleeping. Only Ol’ Lou in his ’76 Ford barkin’ ‘get cher rears n gear, a mighty black tornader is a comin!’’ The county will save an enormous amount of money by hiring a town tornado crier instead of forking over $15,000 per siren needing to be replaced.

Emergency management says another early warning option is to raise a system of flags in the town square indicating the storm threat level, establishing a system of smoke signals and/or positioning mirrors that shine into each home affected by a tornado warning.

Signs give directions to other signs

Springfield, MO—City officials hope that new signs located around town will better inform citizens on the best place to find new signs. Originally meant to point tourists to locations such as Bass Pro Shops, Battlefield Mall and Commercial Street, the new wayfarer signs will instead point to new sign locations.

“We were so proud of the signs that we decided to rework the business location markers and instead call out the locations of these fantastic signs,” said a prominent city official.

Wayfarer signs are located in multiple locations around town, however, a number of them are in the downtown area. “Yeah, it’s cool. I mean, I can look at one sign and then see where the next sign is going to be about 100 feet in front of me. It’s like Joseph G. McCoy extending the Chisholm Trail from Wichita to Abilene, Kansas but a lot less necessary,” said Jeremy Huefferd, a downtown loft dweller.

Anthropologist Lou Schefting says people enjoy knowing that they are being provided with guidance from their local government. “So what you’re telling me is I can look at one sign, and then get the location of the next sign just by looking at the first sign? That’s freekin’ mind blowing!,” exclaimed Jennifer Salla, a fan of signage.

Reports of several people circling downtown walking from sign to sign have led officials to declare the war on misdirection officially over. “Citizens now have a place to know where to go to find more information,” said one city official.

Unknowing Ozarkians are thrust forward into time warp

Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour.

“I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were reporting a time of 8 am, while my wrist watch was showing a time of 7 am. I realized that my digital equipment was likely hijacked by alien beings from space,” said Luke Stiller, a local mule trainer.

Sarah Quid, Another troubled SGFer confessed, “I work an overnight nurse shift at Cox and toward the end of my shift all the clocks jumped from 2:00 am to 3:00 am. I mean everywhere, it was really, like, freaky and stuff. I better get paid for that missing hour, I’m just sayin’…”

Some Springfield residents expressed concern that the younger generation is experiencing a time change. Helen Hopkins, 89, said that all of her electronic clocks, hand-wound clocks and even her sundial are reporting the same time measurements. Mrs. Hopkins owns no digital time tracking devices.

Hopkins believes that the others were not thrown forward into an alien controlled time warp, rather that they had merely experienced the automatic recording of time as “daylight’s savings time” is now observed. Reports show the existence of Daylight saving time, however Hopkins insisted that this was daylight’s savings time as “this is when the days start putting away time for a future need.”

StormTracker3 has rendered StormTracker 1 & 2 obsolete

Springfield, MO—Officials at KY3 have announced plans to auction off old weather forecasting equipment given the proven reliance of StormTracker3. StormTracker1 & StormTracker2 will be listed at a public auction this weekend. All proceeds will go toward the the purchase of future needs and an anticipated StormTracker4.

During a dramatic camera pan Chief Meteorologist Ron Hearst said, “Stormtrackers 1 and 2 served us well in the beginning; we just have no use for them now that we have StormTracker3.”

Reports suggest that the separation from ST1 & 2 was a difficult task for several members of the news team. While the aged equipment no longer met the needs of the StormTeam, the machines produced strong feelings of nostalgia.

“I remember when I first started at KY when StormTracker2 was cranking out reports…those were the days,” said former news anchor Jerry Jacob. StormTracker1 was installed in 1961 by Fred Miller who created the storm tracking mechanism out of a shoe box, a gyroscope and a tube of mercury. ln 1985, when Tom Dye moved over from KOLR-TV, Miller instructed Dye on how to make StormTracker2 to suit his needs. The secret blueprints were then passed on to create what Ozarkers rely on today as StormTracker3.

Ned Reynolds has agreed to preside over the public auction of the antiquated StormTracker equipment in exchange for a new SportsTracker model to use during the evening news.

"Speed Hump" signs are all sixes and sevens according to sign man

Springfield, MO—City officials are standing firm behind their decision to post a sign stating “Speed Hump” on St. Louis Street, west of downtown indicating a bump used to reduce vehicle speed. Opponents have suggested that the sign promotes promiscuity at high velocity and state the original authors are out of touch with modern conversation. Proponents point to the literal translation and simply feel that phrase has been taken out of context for amusement purposes for the less educated masses.

At an open neighborhood meeting Himiny Shelvesfield, the original sign author said, “the issue is queer as a nine bob note and the difference is clear as day and Newgate’s knocker. We’re not to squeaky bum time yet, but a majority of us feel the question has gone off at half-cock and is only sweet Fanny Adams.”

“Clearly, Shelvesfield and his cronies are speaking English, however, I have no idea what they are saying,” said John Young, who finds amusement in the controversial text. “Hey Shelvsfield, my Dixie wrecked!” he heckled from the back row.

Shelvsfield continued by saying, “This reminds me of my salad days and I’d like to make a clean breast of it, and say this issue is all sixes and sevens. I truly believe the sign is the mutt’s nuts and is not a meat and two veg affair.” Those in attendance stared at him with blank faces, lips pursed trying to comprehend what was just uttered from the man’s mouth.

“This is not some pig in a poke that will peter out when the weasel goes pop for a piece of the action,” injected Shelvsfield. At that time, a sign opponent stood up from the crowd and yelled, “Stop talking like that! It sounds offensive and I don’t understand it!”

Reportedly, Shelvsfield told the man to “put the wood in the hole” on his way out of the room. Several attendees squirmed not knowing exactly what that meant