SGF Cheddar's location swirls evil feelings via fans to create its famous cookie monster dessert

Springfield, MO—A local family seeking a comfortable lunch was thrust into a nightmare dining hell this Sunday while attempting to dine casually at Cheddar’s. “I really was looking forward to having a nice lunch with the in-laws to cap off the weekend. I had no idea that it would be the most memorable dining experience I’ve ever had – it was completely awful!” said one of the party.

According to their website, Cheddar’s goal is “to be a great restaurant that serves quality food fresh from the kitchen in a friendly, comfortable atmosphere at a fair price.” However, the Springfield location may have misunderstood the simple mantra and seeks only to “be a great place of torture and mental anguish by exposing families with babies and grandparents to unbearable wait times, snobby and aloof hostesses, menu items with missing ingredients and a kitchen that pushes out salads, apps, kid’s meals and entrees at the same time.”

One family member horribly scarred from the dining experience said, “that Cheddar’s is one-of-a-kind. You can’t go just anywhere and be glared at by 5 hostesses huddled around a podium. Those poor girls likely were angry at us because they couldn’t figure out how to pull together two tables. So sad, but it is a dining event I won’t soon forget!”

The family reported that once their meals arrived, it was much easier to chew having grinded their teeth for an hour watching scores of diners be sat before them. “Yes, we had to wait a long time, but g-ma got lots of reading done. Fortunately when we mentioned our wait time to the general manager at Cheddar’s he half-heartedly comp’d our meal. Which gave us some bit of relief, which was quickly ripped away when our waitress came back weeping with the bill. Apparently the Cheddar’s staff told her she was a bad server. I guess it is easier to incorrectly blame one innocent person than the horde of idiots seating people.”

Man completes shopping without going to mall

Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall.  “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall.  Heck, I haven’t even been there in years.”

When asked how he was able to accomplish such an unusual feat, Dinkleman shared some of his shopping secrets with FCN.  “The big thing is that I found that there are several places all over Springfield that I can buy shoes, athletic wear, jewelry, candy, clothes of all kinds…even kitchenware you name it; there is another place in Springfield that sells it. If I get hungry, there is no waiting at a food court.  I just go to a drive thru and get burgers, tacos, chicken and even oriental food.  It’s just a simple deal.  The truth is I have always shopped like this.  Nobody knew I did it this way until I came home one night with a Target bag,” he said.

Sally Dinkleman, who was been married to John for over 20 years, was pleasantly surprised when she learned of her husband’s shopping secrets.  “I just can’t believe how good he does with the whole family’s gifts.  Everyone is happy and nobody complains.  I always thought he was a sucker for radio and TV ads for jewelry or a Lexus, cause that is what I usually get.  If his method of shopping ever gets out you may never see a married man in the Battlefield Mall again.”

Finally, Dinkleman revealed the universal truth in male shopping that could render being a marketing major in college a thing of the past.  “Let me tell you something.  And again its a simple deal.  WOMEN SHOP AND MEN BUY.  It’s true.  How many times have you been out with the wife or girl friend and look at shoes, for example.  Women can look at shoes all day and come home empty handed.  That would never happen with a man,” he said.

Man with limp pizza not impressed

Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza.
“I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, at best, mediocre. This is false advertising, I tell you! I demand a retraction!”

Apparently, Mr. Owings had driven by the location on South Campbell for the past several years, his curiosity building to the point that he soon became obsessed with the concept of a pizza so good it is described as Incredible.
“There’s no way to describe my disappointment. I was led to believe that the pizza would be beyond average, better than takeout and something to write home about. Turns out, if you don’t find go-karts and thousands of screaming children incredible, then you won’t be blown away by their pizza either.”

Despite his efforts to get the Springfield Chamber of Commerce to force Incredible Pizza to change its name to “Kinda Okay Pizza”, Mr. Owings has faced nothing but setbacks and letdowns. “It turns out, the Chamber isn’t all too concerned with truth in advertising. Typical” he groused, before heading to Big Whiskeys in search of a large tumbler of The Kicken’ Chicken.

A carpetbagger curses Artsfest with rain in 1908

Springfield, MO—The Cider Days Festival enjoyed beautiful weather much to the dismay of Artsfest organizers this past weekend. Artsfest, which usually occurs on a rainy weekend has longed for a weekend such as this for their event to bask in.

“I’m happy for Cider Days,” said an Artsfest committee member though clenched teeth. “I just wish that Artsfest could, for once, be held on a non-monsoon weekend. I’m trying really hard to be happy for Cider Days and their beautiful summer weather.”

Attendees claimed to have had a wonderful time at both events however not needing a slicker and umbrella seems to enlighten the experience for most walking Walnut Street. “I’ll always go to Artsfest, but I’ll always enjoy Cider Days more,” said Peyton Muriel, who was tagging along two English bulldogs.

Artsfest organizer Lam Juliea said, “We’ve tried everything, placing tents, deseeding rain clouds, dehumidifying the atmosphere, but it always ends up a downpour. Only people happy are those who sell decorated umbrellas. I wish I’d have been around when Slim Sanders cursed us those many years ago.”

According to legend, Artsfest was cursed in 1908 when a carpetbagger, Slim Sanders, attempting to sell “rain-makers” was banned from attending the festival. The offended vender was believed to have placed a curse of meteorological conditions as retribution for the town shunning his goods and labeling him a shyster.

If the rate hikes passes, CU will only accept payment in hundred dollar bills

Springfield Mo.-  Due to a proposed utility rate increase of up to 23% by October 2013, some residents of Springfield have threaten to disconnect services from City Utilities. “I have had it with all the rate hikes.  I’m not paying CU another dime,” commented Joe Natureback a soon to be ex-CU customer.  “I’m gonna dig a well for my water, put me up some solar panels and a windmill for power and use a woodstove.  I’m done with those guys.”

Natureback is not alone in getting off the grid of CU.  Several subdivisions in Springfield have been acquiring old Ferris wheels and with a few modifications changing them into generators for electricity.  They will be powered by various small animals providing an endless power source as well as an animal exercise program.

To justify the rate increases, CU spokesman John Witty says points to the economy.  “With the on going economic downturn, we find our customers are using less electricity, gas, and water.  We also predict less customer growth in the future than originally predicted.  This means no money coming in for the us so prices have to go up.  I have seen this ‘cutting back trend’ by people for some time now.  It really doesn’t matter what people do or save in every case when usage drops, we increase rates.  To us less means more.”

Another concern for CU is when the Southwest 2 power plant goes on line this year it will generate more power than it needs for local demand.  With no customer use for the extra power, one proposal has been for the utility company to buy the glut for themselves and pass the costs on to their customers, which would keep revenues up.

The final approval for the rate increase will be up to city council.  Until that vote occurs, City Utilities suggests leaving all lights on day and night and keep the water running while brushing teeth to increase consumption of power and drive down prices.

A book burning display will be featured in Greene County libraries this fall

Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Library District will unveil new  burning books displays this week at its six campuses. A prominent endcap will be constructed in each location that will house several books set on fire in an attempt to educate the public on past book burnings.

The burning of books has a long history as a tool wielded by authorities both secular and religious, in efforts to suppress dissenting or heretical views that are perceived as posing a threat to the prevailing order. The library says it wants to expose students both young and old to different and challenging ideas, because that is what free speech is all about.

“Holy freaking crap, they are burning books inside the library! That can’t be possible can it!?” said one library patron, Julie Kumlio. “I mean, there has to be a law against that these days, especially setting fires inside public buildings.”

A library spokesperson says a new canon of works will be torched each week to demonstrate the power of the destructive and symbolic act. “The burnings will begin in early September starting with ancient Chinese philosophy books, then Jewish holy books, followed closely by Roman history books and Torah and sorcery scrolls. By the end of the fall we hope to have moved onto more recent works including Christian books, the writings of Priscillian and even pop culture references such as the Beatles albums,” said the source.

Dickens Cider Coming Soon

Springfield, MO—Rumor has it that the Friday Farmer’s Market in downtown Springfield is about to get bigger and tastier with addition of a legendary local favorite — Dickens Cider. The Dickens Cider family recipe has been handed down for generations and has recently gained popularity with locals for its apparent health benefit.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an organizer of the Farmer’s Market told FCN, “My wife wouldn’t dream of starting her day without a little Dickens Cider.” He continued, “Heck, once my mother-in-law tried some Dickens Cider, she can’t get enough.”  Founded by the Dickens Sisters, the Republic orchard is renowned for growing some of the biggest and juiciest hand-picked produce anywhere, plucked fresh from the vine.

Local resident Bobby Worthiness said, “Tell you what, if you want something extra special, just hold back a gallon jug for a while and before you know it,  you’ll have some really hard Dickens Cider.” He went on, “We’ll be in line early!” If the weather is cool, Farmer’s Market customers might even get some to enjoy some hot Dickens Cider. Looking to expand the Farmer’s Market appeal, FCN has also learned Feltersnatch Fish Emporium intends to sell their mouth-watering Feltersnatch Fish Tacos at the market beginning sometime in June. The Friday Farmer’s Market continues through late summer.

There's three of these dollar bills coming to the City if they want it

Springfield, MO – Floyd Harvill is making the City of Springfield an offer that he claims would be “irresponsible to refuse.” With the City recently taking back the much-hyped vacant lot after negotiations with local hotelier Johnny Q. Hammons failed, Harvill thought it was a good time to act.

“Fortune favors the bold, and lightning only strikes twice, so I thought I’d better act,” he told FCN after agreeing to meet at his office – which turned out to be a converted shopping cart behind a local liquor store. “When I found out that the City bought the land back for $1, I quickly headed to City Hall and offered them THREE TIMES THAT AMOUNT for the property. They’d be fools to ignore my offer, especially in this economy.”

It did not faze Mr. Harvill in the least when he found out that the property had originally been sold to Mr. Hammons for something in the area of $7 millions dollars. “That was then, this is now. If the City continues to behave irresponsibly in terms of their fiduciary duties, I’ll have no choice but to report them to the SEC. My original offer of $3 stands until next week, when I plan to use that money to buy some Lotto tickets.”

Man can't understand why he can't get a cheeseburger at sushi joint

Springfield, MO – Ozark resident Jim Stancil left Nakato’s Japanese Steakhouse irate after the chef refused to prepare a cheeseburger for Stancil’s picky daughter. Stancil was planning a special anniversary dinner when co-worker Bill Timson suggested he take his wife to Nakato’s.

Stancil said, “Bill told me this place was romantic or some crap like that, so I thought ‘why the hell not?’”

The Stancils couldn’t find a baby-sitter for their twelve year old daughter, so they brought her along. “I tried to tell him that they didn’t really have a kid’s menu, but he wouldn’t listen to me,” Timson stated.

Upon entering the restaurant, Stancil made general comments regarding his distaste for sushi and how fish was “meant to be cooked, goll-darnit!” Stancil’s outrage was further enhanced when the bar didn’t carry Budweiser in a can.

Once seated at the restaurant, Stancil noticed the children’s menu was similar to the adult menu, but with smaller portions and cheaper prices. Stancil’s daughter, plagued with a nervous stomach when she didn’t get her way, placed her hands over her mouth and promptly rushed to the bathroom as she began to vomit.

Stancil tried his best to negotiate with the chef in hopes to appease his daughter, but the encounter quickly escalated into a full-fledged argument as Stancil insisted, “real restaurants have cheeseburgers dammit! Hell, even Applebee’s has cheeseburgers!”

StormTracker3 has rendered StormTracker 1 & 2 obsolete

Springfield, MO—Officials at KY3 have announced plans to auction off old weather forecasting equipment given the proven reliance of StormTracker3. StormTracker1 & StormTracker2 will be listed at a public auction this weekend. All proceeds will go toward the the purchase of future needs and an anticipated StormTracker4.

During a dramatic camera pan Chief Meteorologist Ron Hearst said, “Stormtrackers 1 and 2 served us well in the beginning; we just have no use for them now that we have StormTracker3.”

Reports suggest that the separation from ST1 & 2 was a difficult task for several members of the news team. While the aged equipment no longer met the needs of the StormTeam, the machines produced strong feelings of nostalgia.

“I remember when I first started at KY when StormTracker2 was cranking out reports…those were the days,” said former news anchor Jerry Jacob. StormTracker1 was installed in 1961 by Fred Miller who created the storm tracking mechanism out of a shoe box, a gyroscope and a tube of mercury. ln 1985, when Tom Dye moved over from KOLR-TV, Miller instructed Dye on how to make StormTracker2 to suit his needs. The secret blueprints were then passed on to create what Ozarkers rely on today as StormTracker3.

Ned Reynolds has agreed to preside over the public auction of the antiquated StormTracker equipment in exchange for a new SportsTracker model to use during the evening news.