Building bleeds pain for Heer’s

Springfield, MO – The Hotel of Terror building recently exhibited an act of compassion by crying tears of blood for the plight of the nearby Heer’s building. When questioned, the Hotel of Terror building said, “well I just wanted to express my sadness for Heer’s. At least I have a populace that inhabits my space once a year during October for a few days.”

The Heer’s Building, who has been publicly vying for attention and a permanent tenant, was overcome with satisfaction. “I’m so happy that the Hotel of Terror building decided to spew red blood cells on my behalf. I mean, lots of buildings go unused, but I truly didn’t’ expect that a space used to horrify and scare people would even show feelings for me… I wasn’t even aware that a building could bleed. We’ve shared the same latitude for a long time,” said the Heer’s Building.

According to sources, many buildings have tried to express their sorrow for the Heer’s Building but have been apprehensive to show their true feelings in fear of scaring off current tenants. “I’ve been aware of the plight of Heer’s for a long time,” said the McDaniel’s Building, “I could always count on Heer’s to let me know when one of my lights had burned out on the marquee, but I really never knew how to show my feelings. Now I do, bleed from the windows.”

The Heer’s Building can be followed on Twitter at the handle: @HeersBuilding.

Is this here a Walmarts?

Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word.

“I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight never paid much attention to the signs before but  I did notice that this Market  store don’t have no “S” on it. It is a Walmarts, right?” said Joe Pug, of Buffalo, MO. The new market concept has would be consumers up in arms in several ways, least of which in the pending store closure across the street at Smillie’s.

“Smillie’s has the ‘s’ on the end, so should the Walmarts across the dang street. Its them little details that matter to folks like us,” said Norma-Barbara Fischer of Nixa.

“The Walmart Market is a smaller store design are meant to woo shoppers with easier parking, less crowded aisles and quicker checkout,” said a store representative, “we did not intend to misrepresent our brand by leaving off the “S”, we here at Walmart, er…Walmarts are good down home folk who want to provide the best possible shopping experience for our neighbors.”

The store is expected to add the critical “S” in the coming days before opening.

Long line of people waiting to eat pork products, which may include ribs, but not necessarily

Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines.  According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be a defining moment in anyone’s life.

“Crowds of people who expect to eat ribs is what this country was founded on. If we can’t offer cooked bone-in rib meat to people in an orderly and quick fashion for charity, then we should rename the event to something that is achievable,” said Timothy Ukiomwere, a recent visitor.

The lines in the name Pork ‘n Lines, is meant to not only represent the lines of people waiting to eat pulled pork but also the lines of traffic into and out of the event. Pork is meant to symbolize the pig meat consumed for charity.

The 2013 Pork ‘n Lines is currently seeking sponsors and has lined up special events for corporate sponsorship including “Waiting in Line”, “Eating Pork Contest” and “Waiting to Execute a Left Hand Turn”. Interested parties should contact the office directly where they will be placed on hold and accommodated by listening to an audible reading of William Shatner ‘s interpretive “Three Little Pigs”.

Wa-Pow! Surgical supplies delivered via ninja

Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it.

“Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and silent mode of locomotion. Today the need for ferocious fighters who can silently infiltrate enemy territories has dwindled. The folks at Hankins Surgical Supply have capitalized on the enormous talent pool of out-of-work ninjas and put them to work in a healthcare environment,” said historical professor Dwight Jennings.

The surgical supply ninjas are renowned for inserting key surgical instruments into the operating room at a moment’s notice. “I was in surgery and needed a secure, non-piercing hold or a pair of lightweight, disposable forceps and before I knew it they were on the table or in my hands, without me having to pick them up. These surgical ninjas are true heroes,” said emergency room surgeon Dr. Chris Sumpton.

One ninja who refused to be identified said, “これは私がよく待って、神のコンプレックスを持っているマスターを提供する多くの愚かな仕事を経験したことがないあなたに真実を伝えるには、1つの奇妙な仕事ですが、私は神の複合体を持っていたfuedal領主に仕えてきたと思います。それが完全に同じである私が間違っている”

Which, when roughly translated means “This is one weird job, to tell you the truth I’ve never experienced a more mindless job serving masters who have a god complex, well wait, I guess I have served feudal lords who had a god complex. I’m wrong it is completely the same.”

Robber escapes with wild jump over bank

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe for KFC extra crispy chicken, as well as countless other prizes.
“I can’t believe it,” tells one witness. “One moment he runs in and the next he takes off in a solid orange car with a rebel flag on it. And for some reason there was a ramp right there, and when he was mid air some creepy southern voice told us, ‘Now that’s what I call a quick get away’”.
“We lost everything,” states Duke Hazard, president of the bank. “The ruby studded spittons, a fur coat made up of raccoon pelts, and a golden fiddle won from Satan himself.”
The bank assured its patrons that the best blood hounds are on the case.
“Nothing will stop those guys once they have the scent,” reports Officer Rawls. “Unless of course one dies from mountain lion attack and the other one dies of grief. But, that hardly ever happens.”

Un-forking believable

Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market of the Ozarks would not be allowed to participate in the Battlefield Mall location and should concentrate on giving hand-jobs to hobos.

“We’ve built our business on well-fertilized ground. Might as well use that extremely fertile ground to influence our politics,” said one source, “Bull shat built America. We’re using it to our advantage by forcing the most popular vendors out of the GSFM so that we can build up the less popular vendors into the most popular vendors. Soon the lady with the cat-skin purses will be our lead horse.”

Local consumers are more than engaged, “I think the GSFM has positioned themselves as an exclusive market, one that nobody wants to shop at…that’s pretty exclusive company,” said Nelli Harborson. GSFM execs have said, “Hey fagghetabout it, des people who wanna run dey business can give it a name. No we ain’t no organized crime syndicate, c’mon.”

The Farmers Market of the Ozarks responded to the allegations by offering free solar produced energy to all prospective members.

Man found in fetal position inside Battlefield Mall

Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a  new pair of jeans.

The labyrinth of straight hallways and crowds of people confused Strafford to the point of bewilderment and he could not find his way back to the food court, a predetermined location of rendezvous with his wife. “I had my compass strapped to my jeans belt loop but it was no good. I couldn’t tell which was way up and the crowds of people only added to my frustration. That little girl with the multiple facial piercings haunted me for days. She just stared at me with a blank face, like I pity you.”

Strafford was too embarrassed to ask for help and frequently hid away in a side room to spend the night among mannequins and overstock. “I survived on dippin’ dots and Auntie Ann’s most of the time. I would have talked to the mall police but they were on motorized horses that scared the devil out of me,” said Strafford wiping a tear from his eye.

“I found Jerry crawling on his hands and knees outside a calendar kiosk, I think he was looking for loose change for the candy machine. It was bittersweet, I was happy to have him back but devastated that a shopping mall experience could destroy a man in this way,” said his wife.

Customers prepare insults as they wait in return lines

Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was shorted $2.00 by returning a book without printed confirmation.

Dr. Wighman, a consumer behavioral specialist explained, “most people who return gifts are victimized by their families and friends. These ‘families & friends’ force unwanted or un-thoughtful presents onto their loved ones out of laziness and self-gratification. The recipient usually can’t express their frustration directly to the giver, so they unleash their frustrations upon the person most tangibly responsible for their happiness, usually that is the retail worker who can give them access to the product or good that they desire.”

Multiple expressions were over heard at the Battlefield Mall and included, “You’ve stuck your hand into my chest and tittie-twisted my aorta by not having any more of these robots in stock!”, “Unless you produce my size of jeans, I’m going to rub my feet on your cash register,” and “Keep checking with the manager and I’ll have to start pulling out my nails and flicking them on the 85 other people waiting behind me in line.”

Retail workers report this season as the most rewarding and satisfying experience in their work lives. “Man, nothing beats this time of the year, yesterday I was told that I have ‘elfin’ balls in my pants’ which was quite possibly the funniest insult I’ve ever heard,” claimed Paul Kissinger.

Solo F'n Yo Company spewing frozen yogurt

Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness in bulk, projecting the blend from the giant cup’s straw in front of the building.

“For years now, we’ve tried to find a perfect tenant for the 1.35 million square feet structure. With the frozen yogurt craze
in full force, we feel that this trend will push well into the future,” said developer Oren Pistuk. The search ended when investors realized that they could manufacture, distribute and successfully sell mass quantities of the yummy goodness and project it from the existing cup and straw.

Project backers claim that the overall business plan seemed shaky at first glance, until the attention turned to the unique distribution plan. “The straw was a big draw for us,” said angle investor Gary Truckem, “the ability to produce in mass quantity only as important as getting the product to market. The giant straw will spew frozen yogurt into nearby tankers, waiting train cars, local delivery vehicles and into the buckets of any patrons wishing to take home a 5-gallon bucket for their family.”

Reports indicate that the new company name is expected to be “Solo Cup F’n Yo” however sources have yet to confirm that information. The giant straw is scheduled to begin projecting yogurt in early spring.

Happy Holiday Traffic Nightmare

Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic.

Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide smile upon his face, he noticed a far off twinkling…a red and blue flashing light. Little did he realize that his quick trip to the local mart was about to be mauled by police working a fender bender.

“I seen Lewis drive by tappin’ his steering wheel as he left our neighborhood. I prayed to God Almighty that he’d return safe. Lord knows I wouldn’t dare go out into that highway of hell at this time of the year,” said Yancy Liferton, a southeast neighbor.

Hankerton quickly entered the corridor of calamity known locally as the intersection of Glenstone & Battlefield and cursed his unfortunate timing. Quick thinking encouraged Hankerton to turn left at the intersection and take Primrose to circumvent the looming traffic accident head only to be stopped short at by a snarling line of red brake lights at Luster & Republic.

Popping his car into gear, Hankerton sped past the monotonous line of motorists to make a quick left and arrive to his megastore destination. Parked car relieved, he quickly took up shopping cart to battle the imposing traffic down the aisles of annoyance.