Man takes it to the hole against the Poopshooters

Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head.  Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message.

Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play on words. He believes that it will raise awareness about their chosen profession while reminding people about the importance of a healthy colon.

“When I play defense, I’m not only schooling my opponents by rejecting shots, I’m schooling them on how to reject colorectal cancer through routine rectal examinations,” said Schuler. “When we’re on the court, opponents tell us that an exam can be too embarrassing. Well it can’t be half as embarrassing as getting beaten by my shake and bake crossover!”

Although some league members think that the name “The Poopshooters” is distasteful, Y.M.C.A. officials say that it’s no worse than previous teams, sighting the Dunkin Donuts “Dunking Donuts”, Ms. Betty’s Defensive Driving School “Women Drivers”, and the Men’s Overactive Bladder Support Group “Double Dribblers”.

“Through our team play, we want people to realize that colon health is an important team player in overall health,” said Schuler.  “Our team motto is simple.  We’ll take anyone to the hole that won’t take us to theirs.”

Black Friday shoppers line up to recieve discounted medical treatment at St. John's Hospital

Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am.

“People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their claim in line. I think it is nuts but whateve,” said one hospital patient peering out of her window. The line of people extended from the St. John’s Hospital entrance through the parking lot to the St. John’s Surgery Center.

The Heart Rock Deli and Skyview Café provided snacks to those waiting in line for services ranging from emergency needs to elective surgery. “I’ve had a broken arm for two weeks and I’ve been waiting for the Black Friday sale so I could get a great deal on my ‘first aid’ and recovery fees,” said Huey Torrent, who broke his arm in an arm wrestling contest.

Several deal-seekers confided that they had been living with multiple health problems allowing them to pile up until this special season. “Last month my cough increased and my pregnancy resulted in a premature home birth, however, I thought I could wait a bit until I could get the best price to be admitted to a hospital. Thank you St. John’s!” said Roxie Jump, holding her newborn infant.

St John’s Health System offered half-price cancer treatments, 40% off all CyberKnife radiosugery in the neuroscience department, as well as, up to 80% off routine doctor visits.

“In this time of medical uncertainty for millions of Americans, we felt it necessary to provide an opportunity for every person to have access to medical care. Insured or uninsured, our discounted services apply to each person seeking treatment,” said St. John’s Health System President/CEO, Kim Day.

Albino Farm caretaker prepares for his first Mistic spray tan at Albi-No-More

Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, depending on who is telling you the story.

The present day owner of the property, Jerry Overholser, thought it was time for a change. “I’m plum tired of teenagers sneaking around on the property,” explained Overholser. “I figured if I can’t get the teenagers out of the albino farm, I’ll get the albino’s out of the albino farm.”

Overholser is hoping to begin a different perspective on the property. Albi-No-More is planned to have four standard beds, one Mystic spray-on tanning room, and one super powered machine designed specifically for modern day albinos called Burnt Toast. The interior is decorated with inspirational before and after pictures, with a picture of an albino on the left and a picture of the same albino glowing red on the right. Albinos, by the way will get a special punch card for one free tan after enduring nine. At the grand opening they plan to give away Oreos, with the cream licked out to the first 100 customers.
Standing near the newly asphalted parking lot, teenager Troy Spelster, is not in favor of the new plan. “I’ve had some of my best times on the Albino Farm. Ain’t nothing scary about a copper bronzed ghost chasing you.”
According to Overholser that’s exactly the idea, “A brand new, well lit steel building with office furniture, a wide variety of oils, and watts and watts of UV rays won’t scare off anybody. Well, unless you’re scared of cancer I suppose.”

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his four Tan Aura locations, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.

As part of Tan Aura’s exclusive B9 Bronze package, biopsies can be purchased 3 for $30 or 5 for $145 plus a 10% discount with any student i.d. or Relay for Life t-shirt.

In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”