A local shopper presses on to take advantage of winter storm savings

Springfield, MO—The coldest winter storm to hit the Ozarks in a decade will be brought to you by your local supermarkets this week. The local grocers network has pooled funds to sponsor the dangerous weather that will render this area helpless and immobile. Better stock up now before the paranoia promotion ends.

“We derive a significant portion of our sales to bad weather and ‘bulk up’ occasions from shoppers,” said Leif Wilted a local produce manager.  Doctor Phillip Yercart, a consumer behavior consultant said, “the association between bad weather predictions and shopper behavior is well known. As worse weather is forecasted, consumer packaged goods sales increase. It’s a direct relationship that deserves considerable attention.”

Local news channels will feature storm tracking emblazoned with supermarket logos to promote specials, encouraging visits to stores. Preapproved scripts have been distributed to newscasters across Southwest Missouri that suggest reporting such as “The cold front will move through the Ozarks Wednesday evening and temperatures will begin to plunge like the prices of canned goods at your conveniently located grocery store!” and “Extreme cold and extreme savings in the deli department.”

Local weatherman, Shea O’Ray, reported this morning by saying, “be sure to stock up on supplies at your local grocery before this weather rolls in. I hear frozen pizzas are on sale with a manufacturer’s coupon.”

As the sunshine ends, and the winter storm races across Montana over the Dakotas and hurdling through Nebraska to crush Springfield in snow and wicked cold temperatures, consumers will be comforted by the knowledge that name brand cereal will be “buy one, get one free” through the end of the week.

Supermarkets across the country are already anticipating a surge in sales in the final quarter of 2012 as the Mayan calendar closes out the end of the world.