Motivational Columnist/Speaker

I went to a nice restaurant recently…that will remain unnamed…and it came to my attention that some people here in Springfield really think they are a “big deal.”  Seriously, let me remind all of you, we are a far cry from the “big city” and in this Podunk town, there is no such thing…being a “big deal” that is.

Sure, we have more franchise restaurants than any city in the world but have you seen or heard the local car dealership commercials…I mean come on, are these people serious?  When I go out on the town and see what I like to call the “beautiful people,” it makes me ill.  Some people want so badly to believe that in Springfield there is some kind of “high society” but at the end of the day, we still have more cashew chicken restaurants than fine dining and it is still a big deal when your neighbor gets a boob job…like who really cares.  It is our nature to want to keep up with the Jones’ here in Springfield and thus our desire to try and keep up with the big city folk.  Whether you like it or not though, we have  none of the really good franchise restaurants, no Costco, no Whole Foods and you can drive in any direction and get to a tattoo parlor or a flea market in under 5 minutes.

Sure, I am not a “big time columnist” and I am obviously “not that attractive” and I’m “not even that great a writer” and I “don’t typically bath daily,” but I do know my place and that is here in good ole’ Springfield, Mo.  Honestly, I love it here because it is a small town.  This is to all you “big timers” out there…wake up and smell the Folgers…the only difference between you and the people in…say…Spokane, is…well…about 15 to 20 miles.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Yours Truly,
Mr. Mike McMichealson

Owner Darin Patterson said all he needed to do was to push, pull or drag in his old loan in exchange for the new loan. He says all you need to do is “pick a loan, pick a payment” and you’re off to the bank. “I even got a free hot dog and cola at the big, big, big, loan lot. The big loan lot.”

A combined $250,000 has been awarded to 10 businesses, Gov. Jay Nixon announced Friday adding, “We’re losing our shirt on this deal; these loans won’t be here tomorrow!”

A remainder of $1.75 million is available to help small southwest Missouri businesses weather the economy. The Missouri Department of Economic Development and Missouri Finance Board boys are dealing the program to consumers as of earlier this year and claim loan recipients are not required to buy an extended warranty on the loan to participate. Additionally, they promote their program as a place where “it’s fun to buy a loan”.

Patterson plans to thank Nixon for placing his used-car dealership in the first round of recipients and claims “I can’t wait to get into Nixon’s office—what a place!”. Nixon claims that if you don’t get a loan from him, he can’t save YOU any money. “Now what’s it going to take to get you into this loan today?” asks the Governor. Jefferson City is only 1 minute from Springfield at 3,650 miles per hour†.

*Qualified lenders only. Credit scores based on position of Venus in final stages of super-hyper descent within Orion’s Belt. All offers on specific loans only, no double coupons or factory rebates. Tags, tax, titles, license fees and administrative costs will be expensive.
† Please do not drive this fast. If you can drive this fast, you don’t need a government loan. You could be a bank robber and outrun any police vehicle or enter your fast car in illegal street drag races and win money under the table.

“Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar story to those across the Ozark. Gorillas of all shapes and colors have been cast aside as the bleak economy continues to devastate the car industry. Their big goofy grins and wide-eyed stares barely cover the pain they feel inside. To make ends met the gorillas try jobs out of their usual skill set.

“Tam-Tam no understand,” says Tam-Tam as he stares at a computer screen while temping at Harlow & Associates. “What shiny black box do?”

Other than temping the large inflatable gorillas have also tried working at fast food restaurants, chain retails stores, and joining the military. All with poor results.

“The idea of an iron-clad gorilla charging the battle field with shoulder mounted rocket launchers is exciting and terrifying. But having a large purple balloon that could be ruptured by bullets or even a tack is not an effective strategy,” said Gen. P. Thornbird. “So, no. We aren’t hiring a lot of large inflatable gorillas right now.”

No jobs for large inflatable gorillas means a decline in large inflatable cash so other industries are also failing. Sales of large inflatable bananas, large inflatable coconuts, and large inflatable tree huts are at an all time low.

Governor Jay Nixon is trying to give some relief with free helium kitchens.