Truffle Shuffle Gang terrorizes Ozarks' financial institutions

Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one super obese guy robbing these banks, but it turns out there are three of these corpulent crooks,” exclaimed Diggs. The robbers are described as 40 to 50 years old, 5’7”, and “so chubby he makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.”

Rolla police say the robbers not only look similar based on surveillance footage but also shared the same method of operation and get-away vehicle. In each case, the robber, waddled around the rope line dividers, assumingly to avoid ridicule, approached the teller, pulled out a handgun from pants that seemed impossible to squeeze anything else into, pointed it at the teller and demanded money. The suspect took the cash and stuffed into a used Doritos bag. The man exited the bank in what witnesses were calling “painfully slow and kind of funny,” and escaped in a white minivan.

Sedalia Police Chief, Roger Macolm, explained, “these guys shouldn’t be too difficult to apprehend.  We’ve got undercover officers at all Golden Corrals and Logan’s Roadhouse in the state.” Sedalia Police have released photos of what the suspects might look like if they have changed vehicles to novelty-sized motorcycles.

700 Person Melee Nets One Arrest

Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief.

According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. Security pushed the instigators outside where the brawl eventually became a series of smaller fights among 600 to 700 people.

“I would say I assaulted about 12-15 people with my boot-to-the-face hop-kick,” said an elusive woman identified only as “Kiss-andrea”. The fisticuffs eventually shut down a segment of Campbell Avenue where officers formed a blockade line to help control the crowd.

There were no significant injuries. There was only one arrest of a person with a gun.
“One arrest. Seriously? That’s it? You go back out there and find some perps!” said Springfield Police Chief, “go get that Kuss-andra woman for crying out loud!” he continued.

It took about 45 minutes to clear the crowd; there were 40 Springfield officers at the scene and up to 10 Greene County officers. And one arrest.

Recap: 700 street fighters, more than 50 officers, 45 minutes of fighting, one street closure and one arrest. One arrest.

Both face first-degree felony child endangerment charges, however, most people would prefer that they be publically humiliated rather than face child endangerment charges.

“We would prefer if the suspects would simply light their own head on fire while running on a treadmill for 8 hours. Oh, and they should have shocking electronic nodes connected to their nipples too,” said Camdenton Police Chief Laura Wright.

“I can’t believe people would do that to children, I bet they are more than stupid enough to light their heads on fire, or place them in an over, or a microwave,” said Lucille Hollins, possibly the nicest person in Lebanon.

Local companies are chipping in to help prevent future acts of child endangerment in the area. Independent Stave Co has offered to donate several barrels to throw at the two individuals and Chicago Cutlery has donated several rusty knives to line the offender’s underwear as they run the treadmill.

If the utility sold today it would fetch $1.59 billion. In 2010, when the Southwest 2 plant comes online, the value would exceed 2 billion dollars.

City Attorney Dan Wichmer said cashing in on the utility’s value and using the proceeds for another purpose would require a citywide vote. Policeman Earl Jones says, “not only could we replenish the Police-Fire Pension Fund, we could totally trick out our patrol cars with that kind of cash!” Local fire fighter Louis Herald was optimistic as well. “We could increase our presence at the Sertoma Chili Cook-Off next year with, like, an extra $1 billion.”

As of press time, the city’s Parks department found and planned to sell multiple
buildings positioned around the city with extra tall garage doors and equipped with dancing poles. The Health department also says it found a large body of water on the south side of the city and plans to auction it off as it would “bring a pretty penny and would benefit the residents of Springfield because this lake produces lots of mosquitoes during the summer.