Bully make good practice!

Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect their art.

“This really is our time to shine,” states Gary Garson while doing his shoving drills. “I have been doing bully yoga (where you really focus on your inner hate) and jogging over tires, which prepares me for stepping on nerd’s faces.”

The bullies also do a variety of other exercises to make sure their bullying skills stay sharp, such as: beating up punching bags filled with kindergarteners, running up stairs to a government building then toss an old man down the stairs, jump roping, grabbing lunch money out a child’s hand before he can close it, and running through swamps with their tiny bully instructors on their backs.

“Powerful bullies are,” states Bulda, an instructor who has trained bullies for years. “Focus on hate and self-loathing you must. Wet willy’s good also are.”

After training, most bullies have a plan before they even walk into the school. Usually it involves focusing on the small and weak of the herd, then slowing working their way up to more challenging prey such as somewhat popular kids, attractive girls, and first year teachers.

“I am very pumped for the new school year. I even bought an apple for my teacher,” states school bully Rick McDean. “I can’t wait to chuck it at her while her back is turned…or maybe right at her face, depending on my mood.

Ribbons proved too tempting at cutting ceremony

Springfield, MO—A planned celebration took a turn for the worse today as several children’s hair bows were snipped during the Hickory Hills ribbon cutting ceremony. The planned activities called for school district leaders to cut a gigantic blue ribbon to celebrate the LEED certified educational facility, unfortunately, several children were chased by parents and teachers running with scissors struggling to cut hair ribbons in the student’s hair.

“I screamed ‘don’t run with scissors, don’t run with scissors’ but the adults weren’t listening. They all wanted to cut a ribbon. And I had a big yellow bow tied in my hair. It was shredded in a matter of minutes,” said fourth grader Allie Sims.

The dedication ceremony scene was likened to watching hounds chase rabbits as parents and teachers chased students who scattered hap hazardously to save their hair decorations. Most boys were not pursued and left to observe the unusual ritual. “I was really surprised…it was awesome,” said fifth grader Joe Thurman, “those adults can run real fast!”

“I’m not sure what happened to me. I saw a ribbon sliced in two, and then there was a pair of snips in my hand… I was overcome with scissor fever and I had to cut ribbon for myself!” said an unidentified parent.

The district is still trying to figure out what to do with the scraps of ribbon produced during the ribbon massacre. As the new building at East Division and Farm Road 193 is environmentally friendly, they are currently researching a green way to reuse the material.

Local parent Jim Succall said, “I don’t need that political magician blowin’ pixie dust into my child’s ears makin’ them any smarter. That’s my job. To blow pixie dust…into their ears, tickling their brainwaves to make ‘em smarter. Pixie dust does that.”

The Department of Education says the president wishes to speak to children about the importance of school, and he will challenge them to set goals that they might achieve. “What? What the heck is he doing? He’s not a father, he’s a monster! I can’t stand people who try to help children,” said Hillary Stewart, local speech opponent, single parent of none, and jealous of the attention she isn’t getting from the President.

Springfield superintendent officials are quick to point out that those children who are withheld from the programming, at their parents request, will be able to access the speech immediately on their personal mobile devices during their first opportunity.

“The last time a president addressed our children was in 1850 when Millar Fillmore attempted it, now that lead directly to the Compromise of 1850, right?” said Tulie Rimmersfield.