Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go…

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Customers prepare insults as they wait in return lines

Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was shorted $2.00 by returning a book without printed confirmation.

Dr. Wighman, a consumer behavioral specialist explained, “most people who return gifts are victimized by their families and friends. These ‘families & friends’ force unwanted or un-thoughtful presents onto their loved ones out of laziness and self-gratification. The recipient usually can’t express their frustration directly to the giver, so they unleash their frustrations upon the person most tangibly responsible for their happiness, usually that is the retail worker who can give them access to the product or good that they desire.”

Multiple expressions were over heard at the Battlefield Mall and included, “You’ve stuck your hand into my chest and tittie-twisted my aorta by not having any more of these robots in stock!”, “Unless you produce my size of jeans, I’m going to rub my feet on your cash register,” and “Keep checking with the manager and I’ll have to start pulling out my nails and flicking them on the 85 other people waiting behind me in line.”

Retail workers report this season as the most rewarding and satisfying experience in their work lives. “Man, nothing beats this time of the year, yesterday I was told that I have ‘elfin’ balls in my pants’ which was quite possibly the funniest insult I’ve ever heard,” claimed Paul Kissinger.

Rest on 7 customers should look into a sleeping mat

Springfield, MO  – Owner of the Rest on 7 mattress shop on Independence street has decided to close shop permanently citing a need to rest every day, all day long. “Being in business is hard. Taking customer orders, donating a portion of that to ‘charity’, and working 6 days a week takes its toll on a person,” said ownership. Furious customers couldn’t agree more.
“Man, it is about time someone stole my money to donate to charity. I haven’t been ripped off in quite a while. I guess this is the season of giving. To someone. Only to receive nothing in return. Just wasn’t planning to give away hundreds of thousands of dollars in exchange for the buckwheat treatment,” said Hal Fuque.

Stores in Joplin, Branson and Springfield all shut down leaving mass confusion in their wake. “I know that all over the world people sleep without the aid of a wide selection of bedding including Sealy Posturepedic, and Tempur-pedic, however, I wasn’t expecting to be sleeping on the floor this Christmas,” scoffed Gerald Thimblemack who ordered a back-rubbing, breakfast-preparing incontinent-prevention mattress.

Angry customers expressed regret at their Rest on 7 purchase, and are prepared to find some answers by tracking down the owner and shaking his giant mattress where all deposits have been made to get their money back. “I really can’t believe that he stuffed all of our money under his mattress, but that is the story going around town. I’ll search for it 24/7, no rest on Sunday,” grumbled Thimblemack.

Before the office party got really weird

Springfield, MO- According to several sources, the office Halloween party at McMerchant Accounting Firm was somewhere between “totally crazy” and “off da hook.” The party goers, mostly accountants and executive assistants, all stated they had a wild time that will never be forgotten.

“I have such a hang over,” stated accountant Wildfred Marksdale. “I took so many shots. And then I totally made out with a girl from the cubicle across from me, then we had this séance and called unspeakable horrors from the neither realm. And then I photocopied my butt. It was awesome.”

Other wild and crazy antics included drunken twister, costume contest, making pacts with the dark lord, truth or date, somehow contracting a zombie like plague, eating way to much candy, and eating way to much human flesh.

“I was totally doing this upside down beer bong while pledging my soul to Lucifer and Saunders from the annex took a huge chunk out of my thigh with his already rotting teeth. So I popped him one. I never punched a man before. It was awesome,” states Mary Stargrant, a 67-year-old secretary.

Around 3:33 things got really crazy. A coven of witches, a pack of werewolves, and a stagger of frat boys joined the party. The group gorged themselves on man flesh, gave potions to numerous guest, and left. The witches and werewolves were also there, but were perfect guests.

“I know we all have some regrets,” said manager Grant Maxpert, “But, this is nothing compared to the Christmas Party. After last years’ I needed 9-months of therapy. Oh crap. Here come the flashbacks again. NO! NOOOO!!!!!!”

Pawned gold is a precious commodity during snowstorms

Springfield MO.-   With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.”  Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times.  “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, said Mike Snoozeman of Walmart.  “We have been swamped, people are buying milk, toilet paper, and frozen pizza.  You know the essentials.”

There apparently is another essential that people are buying and is going unnoticed by the media.  FCN has learned that there is also a run on gold and that every pawn shop and jewelry store in Springfield is sold out.  William Travesty of Travesty Jewelers reports that he has never seen anything like it in his 35 years of doing business.  “Normally our biggest times for sales are Christmas and Valentines day.  But with all this snow coming down people have been coming in and buying anything we had that was gold.”, he said.  “The fact is I am sold out and everyone else I know that sells gold is sold out too.  I will get new gold product in next week but customers seem to want it now and they leave here panic stricken.”

Jed Bodine of Ozark told FCN his reason for hording gold.  “Last ice storm we had, I thought I had everything to get by.  I had food, water,a generator, fuel for heat, everything you would want and enough of it to so I wouldn’t have to leave the house for 2 years.  But something was missing and that was gold.  I realized that I may have massive amounts of alcohol and granola bars but I really needed gold to get me by these hard times.  So this time I am fixed up.  I got a sack of double cheese burgers, a flashlight and a gorgeous gold necklace so bring on the snow!!”

Creepy-ass sign not getting point across

Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean that the surrounding area is a “safe place” for people who sneak up behind and then grab innocent bystanders.

The “Safe Place” signs actually indicate that a nearby organization will provide support and safety to children and adolescents who are “at risk” or are in crisis situations, as part of “Project Safe Place.” But no one knows that, and so local business owners are hoping that the creepy sign doesn’t pop up near them.

“It would be awful if a ‘Safe Place’ sign were displayed near us,” said Ryan Wiksell, owner of The Front Porch downtown, “I would hate for people to be afraid to come and enjoy hanging out here at the Front Porch. People need to feel safe to have fun, and the Front Porch is definitely a safe place, not a ‘Safe Place.’”

The downtown clothing store Vintage Vice is right across from The Rare Breed, which displays the frightening sign. “I’m terrified to cross the street alone,” said Vintage Vice owner, Shawn Matthews, “I even set booby traps everywhere inside and outside my store. I assume to keep a location from becoming a ‘Safe Place’, you have to keep it somewhat dangerous—and that means to customers and sneaker-uppers alike.”

Brangelina totally "saw" Marthy in Springfield!

Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street.

Pitt said, “OMG, I totally was in the same room with Marthy! They were buying books at the Barnes and Noble just like normal people. They were there with their kids and they were just shopping around, like we do!”

Jolie was equally impressed, “wow, I mean there they were just being themselves. I couldn’t believe that we actually saw them in the ‘real world’. They are amazing!”

Brad and Angelina started tracking the movements of Marthy by posting to Facebook and Twitter, encouraging their friends to try and get more information about them.

Brad’s Facebook status was littered with responses that read “no way!”, “that’s so cool” and “they’re just normal people like us”. Said Jolie, “it isn’t everyday that our town gets to see a power couple like Marthy. I was trying really hard not to say anything to them. I bet they just want to be left alone and not bothered. But I soooo wanted to go up and talk to them about, well, I guess I don’t really know them at all. But I wanted to say hi.”

Skyler less of a dick this year

Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year.

In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good with kids,” Pollard says, “Plus Skyler was kind of a dick. Can you call a kid a dick? Anyway, it got to the point that I’d stopped wanting to participate in holiday activities. But this year, something’s different. I can’t explain it. Skyler no longer makes me want to punch him in the head.”

A trend of mellowed-out youngsters seems to be on the rise, prompting a decrease in SRSD, according to Dr. Gwyneth Halbertson of The Institute for Pointless Research (IPR). “Shrieking and constantly-being-under-your feet are both down by 30% vs. last season, while asking ‘why?’ and demanding-things-from-just-out-of-reach are down by almost half,” Dr. Halbertson reports. Researchers are trying to explain this phenomenon, as currently there are no prescription drugs marketed for SRSD, and therefore no cure. She explains, “The economy’s been tough on everyone. Even small children are feeling the crunch and tightening their belts. They just can’t afford to be as annoying this year.”

Whatever the cause, Kevin Pollard looks forward to more pleasant interactions in upcoming holidays. “Who knows! I may even get to watch the Super Bowl this year!”

Man completes shopping without going to mall

Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall.  “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall.  Heck, I haven’t even been there in years.”

When asked how he was able to accomplish such an unusual feat, Dinkleman shared some of his shopping secrets with FCN.  “The big thing is that I found that there are several places all over Springfield that I can buy shoes, athletic wear, jewelry, candy, clothes of all kinds…even kitchenware you name it; there is another place in Springfield that sells it. If I get hungry, there is no waiting at a food court.  I just go to a drive thru and get burgers, tacos, chicken and even oriental food.  It’s just a simple deal.  The truth is I have always shopped like this.  Nobody knew I did it this way until I came home one night with a Target bag,” he said.

Sally Dinkleman, who was been married to John for over 20 years, was pleasantly surprised when she learned of her husband’s shopping secrets.  “I just can’t believe how good he does with the whole family’s gifts.  Everyone is happy and nobody complains.  I always thought he was a sucker for radio and TV ads for jewelry or a Lexus, cause that is what I usually get.  If his method of shopping ever gets out you may never see a married man in the Battlefield Mall again.”

Finally, Dinkleman revealed the universal truth in male shopping that could render being a marketing major in college a thing of the past.  “Let me tell you something.  And again its a simple deal.  WOMEN SHOP AND MEN BUY.  It’s true.  How many times have you been out with the wife or girl friend and look at shoes, for example.  Women can look at shoes all day and come home empty handed.  That would never happen with a man,” he said.

Distorted, deflated yard Santa horrifies passerbys during the day

Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes.

“We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store and the whole set up looked like a prison yard, coils of wire, cords and what looked to be barbed wire handing from every possible place,” said Holly Milnger a mother of four.

According to Milnger, her four-year-old son asked her why Santa was facedown in the front yard. “I didn’t know what to tell him. I said he was taking a nap. The blow up Santa looked like he had melted into the Earth. What am I supposed to say: ‘Santa was melted by the bad girls and boys terrible decisions?’” said Milnger.

Neighbors have also expressed concern. “I was out to get the paper and one of the deflated snowmen started to whip in the wind, it stood straight up for a second and its distorted face, crooked carrot nose, twisted smile, crossed eyes scared the eggnog out of me!”

To avoid frightening small children and unsuspecting adults, those who decorate their yard with blow up characters are urged to either keep them plugged in at all times or bring them inside every morning.