Mayor ready for another round!

Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office following his current obligations.

“No, no you heard wrong he has resigned,” commented an uninformed council member, “it means he won’t be coming back.” According to multiple sources, O’Neill was not going ‘all Ibarra’ and walking out on his responsibilities, rather he was re-signing for another round of torture by rhetoric.

“Not too many people can endure hours and hours of endless, mind-numbing conversation that spins in circles like a washing machine thrown in an eddy,” said Nerf Fredericksonn, a constant attendee at Council meetings. Fredericksonn went on to say that O’Neill was great on the board and is looking forward to another election year with O’Neill on the ballot.

O’Neill was unavailable for comment; however, reports indicate that he announced his intent to re-sign during a contentious debated around a handful of exemptions to the smoking ban.  “He lit up a stogie, and said due to personal and business pressures, he intended to re-sign. Immediately. He seemed pretty upset about it but I thought it was good news,” said Fredericksonn.

Road Warrior car will be outfitted with extra speed and a beer holder

Springfield, MO – City voters have bestowed a unique honor upon a brave councilman after he displayed dogged-determination and excellent decision making skills to pursue and confront a poor driver; the new position–a division of the street enforcement team – will be known as City Councilman Road Warrior.

“He’s pretty good at finding less than perfect drivers. We’re going to employ him to not only track down those who break minor traffic infractions but to also apply vigilante-style justice upon all offenders. He may choose to give them a warning but he has the authority to drag them down the street if he deems that is an appropriate consequence,” said Newt Nikerson of the street enforcement team.

According to reports, poor driving is a common occurrence in the Ozarks. Cleaning up city streets will be a task that should take a considerable amount of time to accomplish. “Man, I seen three people today going too fast, making lane changes without signaling and braking too abruptly. What we need is someone who can kick some butt and bring down serious road rage onto these idiots. I think we’ve found the right person in the City Councilman Road Warrior,” said concerned citizen Ima Passivisto.

The City Councilman Road Warrior will be immune from any and all prosecution as he administers individual judgments against those who choose not to obey simple traffic laws. “We have a problem in this city, and the last thing we want holding the City Councilman Road Warrior back is fear of consequences for his unorthodox and effective strategies. Also, he will be allowed to drink beer while on patrol; it is a stressful job that requires a little relief,” said an official statement.

This downtown street preacher might make a good hire

Springfield, MO—City council is suspending efforts to re-activate its red light camera system and opting to hire 12 people to monitor traffic at major intersections. The new hires are possible due to sales tax revenue increases of 2.28 percent over last year.

These new Red Light Regulators will be the first new hires in years and much will be expected from them. According to City leaders, “each RLR will be provided with a stopwatch, a Polaroid camera and a lawn chair.” The RLRs will be tasked with capturing photographs of motorists who blow through red lights in the city.

Red Light Regulators will be positioned at major intersections such as Glenstone and Sunshine, Campbell and Sunshine and Chestnut Expressway and Kansas Expressway, areas that experience the most negligence behind the wheel. Red Light Regulator applicants will be required to pass a eye exam and be able to sit through long periods of heat while responding quickly to violators.

“We’re looking at the people who carry ‘Going Out of Business’ signs, those who work as The Statue of Liberty outside of tax preparation joints, and even the guy who dances like a madmad in front of Little Caesar’s Pizza…he’s great!” said one source close to the hiring process.

If all goes according to plan, these traffic monitors will fill the revenue void left by a decaying traffic light camera system. The City hopes this investment will recharge a vital source of revenue and provide for a safer community while investing in local citizens who desperately need work in a strained economy.

Salt truck loading up white gold

Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants.

“I don’t know about you, but the Springfield Cashew Chicken Special #7 has been lacking a certain something as of late,” said Councilwoman Imogene Pearle at last nights meeting at City Hall, “and that something is Mono Sodium Glutamate, or, as I like to call it, the Salty Goodness”.

The health concerns or, quite honestly, the legality of the whole plan has been called into question by more than one concerned citizen, but this doesn’t seem to concern Councilwoman Pearle or any other council members.

“LOOK! We’re Ozarkers, and we’re resourceful! Plus we’re not too worried about silly issues like potential health concerns…that’s just big-city talk, perpetrated by, most likely, displaced Californians. We ain’t bending on our right to smoke in restaurants, so I can’t see why anyone would want to put up obstacles to more salt in our fried chicken in gravy with nuts and onions on top. It’s high time we take some initiative, and this salt sure as hell isn’t making us any money just sitting there in domes. Show me the down side!” she demanded, getting ever more agitated at being called into question over her initiative. “Dammit, all this talk is making me hungry. Let’s head to Mr. Fangs before I pass out from all this poppycock!”

We were unable to get a comment from the local Chinese Restaurant community, which seemed completely unaware that there was a problem with any of their fine cuisine.

Man's chicken choked due to new city ordinance

Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, and  Lionel Biggerstaff, a-53-year-old multi-level marketing guru,  got physical — apparently the direct result of the recently passed fowl ordinance.

FCN has learned the two neighbors got in a scuffle after Biggerstaff saw Waddlesworth in his driveway unloading an enormous roll of chicken wire and 10’ fencing posts from the trunk of his Lexus.  Onlookers say all was well until Biggerstaff heard some muffled clucking coming from the backseat of the luxury car, walked over to investigate and pecked on the glass.

From across the street, Sally Fitzwhiter was pulling a pan of bake-sale goodies from the double-range, heard the commotion, and summoned authorities. “Wow, I have never seen anything quite like it,” Fitzwhiter exclaimed, “Lionel started choking Reggie’s chicken with both hands…it was, well, awful.”

As news of the chicken-choking incident spread, the five Council members favoring the ordinance expressed dismay and encouraged residents to avoid choking each other’s chickens. One was overhead saying, “This is as discouraging cock fighting.” The incident has local animal rights activists fuming and already petitioning City Council to pass an ordinance banning citizens from spanking their monkeys.

Goat waiting for council approval

Springfield MO—People that hope to raise chickens in their backyards may soon have goats to go along with them.  An attempt to allow the citizens of Springfield to have two goats on their property is being sponsored by Tom Tuttle, president of the Ozark Goat Ropers Club.

“With all this newfound evidence of growing and keeping it local, having a couple of goats in your yard is perfect for the times.  Most people don’t know that goat meat is the most consumed meat in the world.  When cooked right and put on a plate with some rice and Poke greens (considered a weed found in most backyards), it can be the next cashew chicken.  You can also get milk and cheese from goats thus making them the complete food source,” commented Tuttle.

According to Tuttle, another benefit to having goats is they keep your yard well mowed.  “You can put away all that expensive, air polluting lawn equipment.  What goats do all day is eat grass so the bigger the yard the better.  You can make arrangements with your neighbors to have your goats keep their yards as well chewed as your yard is.  The only by product of goats is their butt waste and that can go on your garden.  You certainly can’t put dog or cat poop in your garden.  Goats are also children friendly.  Kids will run and want to pet a goat any time as opposed to a mean looking dog,” stated Tuttle.

Ron Chaps, spokesman for the Goat Alliance welcomes the idea of having goats in the backyards of Springfield.  “Raising goats with their chicken brothers and sisters is perfect for us.  I look to a time when one day everything we eat will be grown locally.  With a little thought and vision I see certain city blocks in town being dedicate to growing tomatoes, other blocks growing corn, green peppers, okra and squash along with goats and chickens.  This was done a hundred years ago with neighbors trading and swapping vegetables and somehow we lost that.  The only problem I see is trying to grow bananas in the Ozarks.  I do like bananas and I’m trying to figure out how to get that done,” said Chaps.

When asked when Springfield city council will vote to have goats in the backyards of Springfield, Mayor Jim O’Neil had these comments.  “We will first have to form a citizens advisory committee to study this issue for at least 3 years.  Then based on their recommendations we will do our best to postpone a vote for a later time.”

If the rate hikes passes, CU will only accept payment in hundred dollar bills

Springfield Mo.-  Due to a proposed utility rate increase of up to 23% by October 2013, some residents of Springfield have threaten to disconnect services from City Utilities. “I have had it with all the rate hikes.  I’m not paying CU another dime,” commented Joe Natureback a soon to be ex-CU customer.  “I’m gonna dig a well for my water, put me up some solar panels and a windmill for power and use a woodstove.  I’m done with those guys.”

Natureback is not alone in getting off the grid of CU.  Several subdivisions in Springfield have been acquiring old Ferris wheels and with a few modifications changing them into generators for electricity.  They will be powered by various small animals providing an endless power source as well as an animal exercise program.

To justify the rate increases, CU spokesman John Witty says points to the economy.  “With the on going economic downturn, we find our customers are using less electricity, gas, and water.  We also predict less customer growth in the future than originally predicted.  This means no money coming in for the us so prices have to go up.  I have seen this ‘cutting back trend’ by people for some time now.  It really doesn’t matter what people do or save in every case when usage drops, we increase rates.  To us less means more.”

Another concern for CU is when the Southwest 2 power plant goes on line this year it will generate more power than it needs for local demand.  With no customer use for the extra power, one proposal has been for the utility company to buy the glut for themselves and pass the costs on to their customers, which would keep revenues up.

The final approval for the rate increase will be up to city council.  Until that vote occurs, City Utilities suggests leaving all lights on day and night and keep the water running while brushing teeth to increase consumption of power and drive down prices.

City council approves loan to redevelop historic hot dog stand

Springfield MO- With some reservations about the plan, Springfield city council voted unanimously for a loan for the redevelopment plan for Calumet City, an abandoned Hot Dog Stand located in downtown Springfield behind the main post office.  The developer, Ken McCow has already received a $3 million dollar loan from the Missouri Development Board as well as a $50 million dollar loan from the federal Department of Housing and Urban Development.

Despite this financing McCow found himself $47.18 short to continue with the project.  Since the city council came through with the loan McCow promised to complete the the project on time and on budget.  “Without council’s backing on this, I don’t know what I would have done,” he stated.

Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neil said special tax districts will be created to help fund the loan.  “I know some people would prefer tax money not be used on this, we felt we had no choice because without the $47.18 the whole thing would shut down.  This is needed to boost the downtown and help the economy in general. The city cannot leave that building empty.  If this wasn’t going to happen we were going to have to tear it down thus losing a part of Springfield history.

FCN has learned that the city will pay half the amount of the loan which is $23.59 when the project is half way completed.  The remaining $23.59 will be paid when the project shows a 75% completion rate.  “This will make sure the developer follows through with renovation and won’t bail on us,” stated O’Neil.

According to McCow the old hot dog stand will now be home to a Kansas City Hereford Steak House, a professional roller derby ring, several upscale specialty shops and either another Ziggy’s or Braums Ice Cream location.  The roof will feature “green technology” and have a swimming pool and several hiking and biking trails.

Kathy Casher, a local banker called councils actions “creative and innovative”.  “This is not only a good investment for downtown, this is a guaranteed and secure loan for me.  I just wish council would find more of these old buildings to invest in,” she commented.

McCow had nothing but good things to say on how easy it was to get the paperwork done with the city.  “I couldn’t believe how simple it was.  I just pulled up to the front door and walked in.  In less than 10 minutes it was done and I left with cash in my pocket.  The best part was I got to keep my car!”

Sonny Pomade dreams of not renovating Heer's

Springfield, MO—Local maverick businessman, Sonny Pomade, showed up at Monday night’s Springfield City Council meeting and offered to not develop the controversial Heer’s Building for a mere fifty dollars.

“I just felt it was my duty to take the burden of not moving forward with the renovation on my own shoulders,” Pomade commented, as he sipped on decaf at a sidewalk table in front of The Coffee Ethic, shaded by the afternoon shadow of the iconic monolith.

“The City Council is going to fork over two million beans to some guy who claims he will bring the building back to its glory days, with restaurants, offices, a fortune teller’s tent, and a ground-level go-cart track, if I’m not mistaken. Get outta here! What if he doesn’t get it done? Can the people of Springfield take another Heer’s letdown? I’m thinking no!”

Pomade stated that he needed the token sum of fifty dollars as a down payment to a representative of a local informal “loan agency” and that the $1,999,950 saved could be used to build a dog track or something the people of Springfield could really get behind.

“In this economy it doesn’t make any sense to spend huge sums of money on projects that aren’t absolutely necessary, or, for that matter, never materialize,” Pomade added. “Besides, people often underestimate the importance of having something to gripe about. Without it some folks might cease to exist. In my opinion my proposal is sound all around. Cheap, too!”

Citizens correctly identify vacant buildings such as Heers

Springfield Mo.-  City officials in the Building Services Department in Springfield Missouri say the public response to the call to locate and identify vacant buildings has caught them completely off guard. A recent editorial in a publication called the News- Leader urged the general public to call officials when they saw an abandoned building.

“Our phones have been ringing non stop since the call for action came out.”, said Fred Nosquat spokesman for the BSD.  “The response has been great.  We know that abandoned buildings pose a safety hazard that invite vagrants, passersby, animals, curious kids and in some cases politicians that have lost elections.  Our usual course of action is to have our own employees identify them while doing their routine chores.  We did not have anyone dedicated to get out and look for problems. The calls we have been getting have given us a real boost.”

Nosquat added, “Once we are aware of an issue we can negotiate with the property owner to board up or demolish the structure.  If that fails, the city does have the power to fine landlords, use city funds to tear down structures and place liens on properties.”

When asked for the list of buildings that the public had tagged for vacancy, Nosquat admitted that there were only two.  It seems that every call they had received identified only the Heers and Woodruff buildings in downtown Springfield has being abandoned.

“Thanks to the public for pointing this out to us. We will now take the appropriate action on this.  We will point this out at the next city council meeting and wait for their answer.”,added Nosquat. In the meantime, structures that are determined to be vacant and abandoned will be painted with a giant red X.  A note will also be spray painted along with the X saying ” This paint mark is not graffiti. Do not erase.”

Editors note:  After this story was submitted, FCN has learned that the city council plans to relocate the Heers and Woodruff buildings to the Battlefield Mall.  “This gives us more retail space so people in the Ozarks can go somewhere and buy clothing and much needed shoes for women.”, commented a spokesman for the mall.