JRA kinda likes America

Springfield, MO—James River Assembly has bid adieu to America for the time being. Due to an upcoming summer of unknowing circumstances, JRA has decided to break up with America. Says a source, “We will always love America but we can no longer continue to date.”

James River Assembly and I Love America had been a constant fixture in the Ozarks for eleven years. According to management, some things must come to an end. “I was always skeptical of a relationship based on the Springfield ‘Underground’,” said annual participant, Newt Umphreys.

Overheard on the streets of Springfield, JRA was heard to have murmured to America “it’s not you, it’s me” while glancing out both sides of its eyes, looking longingly for some reassurance. America was found sobbing in the corner of Southwest Missouri by itself.

One observer, Shirley Idlebeullright, said, “sometimes people who have been together for an extended amount of time just need some time apart. I’m sure they will reconcile and James River will Love America in the future.”

JRA’s friend said, “I think that JRA is still in love with America, I just don’t think they know it right now. They’ll see it someday. It’s not like it is ‘I Like America’ it is love.”

Ozarkers add smoke stacks to their homes, burn coal, emit C02, and abandon recycling to "Go Black"

Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global warming this week with hopes to thaw the area by “Going Black”.

“Man, I’ve been buying extra gasoline and burning it in my backyard to speed up Global Warming, this cold weather is not for me,” said a homeless hippy who previously had considered himself a tree hugging environmentalist. Others have staged slash and burn events to encourage deforestation.

Avid recycler Joyce Fischer said, “I haven’t recycled anything the past two week and in fact I even took plastic bags at the grocery store the other day instead of using my green-bag to hold my groceries. C’mon global warming, I’m tired of these frigid temperatures.”

“I traded in my Toyota Prius for a gas guzzling ’89 Ford Bronco today, to help increase toxins in the atmosphere so my driveway can be cleaned,” said Coleen Shermore a local fourth grade teacher. “I even added two smoke stacks to my home to burn coal on the weekends. I’m encouraging all of my familys to do the same,” she continued. Reawakening the phenomenon known as global warming is thought to help release the icy grip that old man winter has on the Ozarks.

Scientist are quick to agree. “Since the industrial revolution we have done a lot of damage to the Earth, causing temperatures to rise. However, our recent efforts to reverse global warming have been so effective that we are in a global freeze period. I would encourage every person to “Go Black” so we can enjoy the tropical weather we all love so much,” said ecologist and geothermal pioneer Huey Thimble. “The more carbon dioxide we get into the air now, the quicker we can thaw out our gardens.”