Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike McMichaelson

Man takes it to the hole against the Poopshooters

Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head.  Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message.

Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play on words. He believes that it will raise awareness about their chosen profession while reminding people about the importance of a healthy colon.

“When I play defense, I’m not only schooling my opponents by rejecting shots, I’m schooling them on how to reject colorectal cancer through routine rectal examinations,” said Schuler. “When we’re on the court, opponents tell us that an exam can be too embarrassing. Well it can’t be half as embarrassing as getting beaten by my shake and bake crossover!”

Although some league members think that the name “The Poopshooters” is distasteful, Y.M.C.A. officials say that it’s no worse than previous teams, sighting the Dunkin Donuts “Dunking Donuts”, Ms. Betty’s Defensive Driving School “Women Drivers”, and the Men’s Overactive Bladder Support Group “Double Dribblers”.

“Through our team play, we want people to realize that colon health is an important team player in overall health,” said Schuler.  “Our team motto is simple.  We’ll take anyone to the hole that won’t take us to theirs.”

Hipster suffering heat stroke

Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.”

“He should have at least taken off the flannel or the scarf,” said friend Lacey Jameson, “but that beanie, covering the top-back 40 percent of his head, really did him in.”

Jameson and the other witnesses with Trapper reported that he started sweating profusely, he complained of a headache, his vanity glasses fogged up, and then he started to suffer from muscle spasms. They thought that he was just dancing ironically, but really he was having a heat stroke.

A heat stroke or heat exhaustion may occur when sweating cannot dissipate the heat generated within a person’s body during hard work, when in a hot environment, or when foolishly wearing layers and layers of clothing. Dehydration will also occur if the person doesn’t replace the water lost by sweating.

“I’ve never seen a person sweat so much,” remarked Jameson. “His TOMS must smell terrible.”

When Trapper’s friends realized something was wrong, they rushed him to St. Johns, where he is making a full recovery. “He’s gotten a lot better—he’s even been smoking again, which is a good sign I think,” said his doctor.

Trapper said he now plans to raise awareness about the dangers of heat strokes by creating a Tumblr photo blog, which will feature pictures of sweaty hipsters and their sweatier mustaches.

Urinary tract infection or Universal Technical Institute?

Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks.

“We were curious why people were calling in to discuss burning sensations they were experiencing when they peed,” said admission counselor Daniel Perkins. “The first five calls about urinary tract infections were…disturbing, but after answering a hundred we just wanted to help them.” To advise those asking for assistance, Perkins noted that he and his coworkers turned to Wikipedia and pamphlets a coworker brought in from a local clinic. “Basically, we’ve just been telling people to drink a lot of cranberry juice.”

Administrators believe their new advertising campaign for the school, featuring frequent commercials aired on Springfield stations, has played a role in the uptick of questions they received. “Looking back, deciding to make our website address UTI.edu was probably not a great idea,” said marketing director Ruth Rutter, “but it has given us the opportunity to clear up some misunderstandings about our school. Namely that our school color is yellow and that our campus smells whenever we serve asparagus in the cafeteria.”

In spite of the confusion, the spirits of the student body have not been dampened.  School officials recently sent all enrolled students an email requesting, for the time being, that they refrain from exclaiming “We’re Number One!” in association with the school.

Rutter was quick to note the experience had a silver lining. “In asking STD Flea Markets in Springfield how they’ve handled their poor naming, we were able to establish a friendly connection with a local business. Unfortunately, F.A.G. Bearings in Joplin won’t return our calls.”

A crowd from Boliver, MO protect themselves from H1N1 by hiring a groundling to burn a ring of fire around them

Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Health Department’s released this week’s health update yesterday. The Fight the Flu Web site has new documents on influenza and asthma, as well as “What to do When you Think You Have the Flu.” The H1N1 update is below.

All people who are suspected of having the swine flu, or H1N1, should take the proper steps to avoid further contamination of the populace. Those who deem themselves healthy should protect themselves by burning all manner of incense: juniper, laurel, pine, beech, lemon leaves, rosemary, camphor, sulpher and others 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Handkerchiefs may also be dipped in aromatic oils, to cover the face when going out.

The cure of sound is another effective remedy. Towns are encouraged to ring church bells to drive H1N1 away, for the ringing of town bells is done in crises of all kinds. Some towns may wish to fire cannons, which make a comfortingly loud din.

Other suggestions include searching out talismans, charms and spells that could be purchased from any local wise man or wizard. People who are desperate for a cure and willing try anything, no matter how outlandish or strange may seek out flagellants, which are believed by zealots to beat out the sins would to cleanse away H1N1. Bloodletting and leeching may also be attempted.

Last week 20 cases of flu were reported (18 Type A, 1 Type B, 1 untyped). For the latest flu numbers, visit our Web site at http://www.springfieldmo.gov/health/fluCases.html.

Scarecrows trash talk each other in anticipation of 2009 Cider Days

Springfield, MO—Cider Days marks the beginning of fall for most people living within the city limits. This weekend several thousand people will fill Walnut Street and greet the changing season with a cup of apple cider while taking in the arts and crafts native to the Ozarks area. Seldom few will notice the struggle for intelligence in the Scarecrow Village.

This year one brain, donated by the American Red Cross, has been strategically hidden along the path of sightseers, rubberneckers and lollygaggers walking the historic street, destined for one lucky hay brain. The village, located just east of the intersection of Walnut Street and John Q. Hammons Parkway, consists of multiple scarecrows designed by area businesses, service groups, churches, youth groups, schools and individuals and will be a hotbed of activity, debate and smack talk.

The 2007 Best of Show Scarecrow said, “I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry, If I only had a brain.” The 2008 Best Use of Recycled Materials Scarecrow scoffed, “Oh, I could tell you why the ocean’s near the shore. I could think of things I never thunk before. And then I’d sit, and think some more!” Best Named Scarecrow for 2005 chided, “With the thoughts you’ll be thinkin’ you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain.”

The scarecrows usually serve to heighten community awareness of various local groups and services, as well as provide an opportunity for the community to unite and share creative energy, spirit and pride; however, this year they will serve themselves as they compete for grey matter.

Icon girl totally waves at other dude while clubbing

Springfield, MO—Jeremy Childress, local telemarketer, attended ICON Nightclub on Saturday night. Midway through the evening, a hot chick with awesome blonde hair and a short pink dress waved in Childress’ direction. Childress responded by slyly peeking behind him, then twice pointing a finger at his chest while mouthing, “Me?” Surprised, but assured that she was indeed waving at him, Childress waved back, only to have a fellow ICON patron, Stett Brockton, come from behind and bump Childress on his way to full on make out with the hot chick.
“I was just trying to hit some dust out of the air,” explained Childress. “I knew she wasn’t waving at me the whole time. I have an allergy to dust mites.” Childress’ friend accompanying him on the outing known only as “Skeets” saw it differently, “Dude, he was totally like, ‘Oh look the hot chick is waving at me, she totally wants my body.’”
Although Childress is adamant that “Skeets” recollection is false, “Skeets” insists, ”Why would she be waving at him? He looks like the love child of a hobbit and a male gymnast. You got played, playa.”
Soon after the incident, Childress and “Skeets” made their way home to watch reruns of Grace Under Fire.

The two victims have been advised to receive anti-burn treatment needed to prevent scarring, Springfield-Greene County Health Department assistant director Clay Goddard said.

People who find fire on the ground during daylight or evening in particular should leave it alone, Goddard said.

“If it’s on the ground, it might not be raging, but it is hot,” he said.

While the two people currently show no signs of fever, laboratory tests confirmed the fire they handled was hot, he said.

“It was soo purdy, just glistening like an angel, well we just had to try to pick it up and take it with us. But when we tried, it bit us like a snake! Then I cried,” said one of the victims.

Burns are caused by extreme heat from a fire made via a chemical reaction between oxygen in the atmosphere and some sort of fuel (wood or gasoline) that has been heated to its ignition temperature coming into contact with skin.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that tens of thousands of people are successfully treated each year after being burned by a flame that may be hot, and it adds that a few people die every year because they don’t seek treatment. Burns are 100% preventable, especially if you restrain from picking it up and taking it with you.

“Thankfully, the DNR held that report and saved our business and tourism,” said Julie Richter who is fighting profuse diarrhea and high fever due to bacterial infection after swimming in the lake filled with Gram negative bacterium commonly found in the lower intestine of warm-blooded organisms that posses the ability to survive for brief periods outside the body which makes them an ideal indicator organism to test environmental samples for fecal contamination.

Heavy rains in May washed the bacteria into the lake, which has since returned to safe levels. For a month, the DNR refused to show the report to residents who were demanding to see it to ensure that business and tourism will be safe.

Local resident George Agapehandles said, “I need to know that my kids are safe when they play around business and tourism. This is a high recreation area and I cannot afford to expose my children to diseased and plagued businesses or tourism.”

DNR spokeswoman Susanne Medley said the agency wanted to make sure it didn’t panic the public. Some critics say the decision not to release the report immediately was a cover-up that put the economy above public health. In fact, “the healthcare industry was also pressuring us to keep the information silent in order to win more business over the holiday months,” said Medley.

Virulent strains of E. coli can cause gastroenteritis, urinary tract infections, and neonatal meningitis. In rarer cases, virulent strains are also responsible for hæmolytic-uremic syndrome (HUS), peritonitis, mastitis, septicemia and Gram-negative pneumonia. Diseased business and tourism can bring about recession, depression, job loss, inflation, lower consumer confidence, extreme poverty.

“Fortunately, the government made the decision to protect what they saw was their most valuable asset and buried the report that caused the largest threat to the public. God knows I can’t be trusted to make the appropriate decisions regarding my health,” continued Agapehandles who clearly cannot make appropriate decisions after being supplied sufficient input.

“My clientele is very busy with the lake, performances, etc., and they need a one-stop solution for all their tanning and cancer screening needs,” states Hutch.

The new service, now available at his four Tan Aura locations, allows customers to have oozing moles, seeping wounds, and discolored patches examined by an internet-certified dermatologist.

As part of Tan Aura’s exclusive B9 Bronze package, biopsies can be purchased 3 for $30 or 5 for $145 plus a 10% discount with any student i.d. or Relay for Life t-shirt.

In the future, Hutch hopes to add cameras inside each tanning bed to provide a 360º perspective of his client’s delicate epidermis. When asked if he considered this a breech of privacy, Hutch explained, “Early detection is key to helping our customers stay very tan for a very long time.”