Also known as Heri Cafeteria

Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why the General Assembly chose the popular cafeteria.

“First of all I want to send out my props to all the freedom fighters in cities across the US! Down with corporations, banks, the one percent, and anyone over thirty! But that’s just my opinion, not necessarily shared by any other protesters here today, right guys?
We decided to occupy The Heritage because, well, it’s getting colder outside and we need a place that has lots of seating and good food at a reasonable price. I mean, I really do ‘cause my parents are like totally hacked that I dropped out of school to occupy. Since our movement is really all about free choice we felt that the Heritage was a no brainer since everyone can choose what they want to eat from their extensive, home cooked variety of entrees, sides, and desserts.”

Suze Brenner, Assistant Manager at The Heritage, was guardedly pleased with the new customers. “They seem pretty peaceful and orderly, and really hungry! If they plan on occupying this many booths during the rush hours they’ll have to buy more than coffee, and hot tea with honey. I don’t think that will go over with the boss. Actually I tried to pass out some applications for a dishwasher position we have open, figured one of them must need a job since they’re here all the time, but so far no takers. Must be nice?”

When asked if he was in favor of occupying the restaurant, occupier Melvin Finger had this to say. “Like, we’re not positive that The Heritage isn’t a corporation so, like, The General Assembly, just to like, play it safe, said it was cool to order an entree and one side, but no dessert. Kind of a bummer since, like, I love the apple pie here. I’ll do it, like, ‘cause like, I’m in for the cause, to stop corporate greed and everything. And my girlfriend, like, put some Ho-Hos in my backpack before I like, came out this morning.”

Rainbow maple syrup introduced at "Martha's"

Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during the evening.

Organizers say the savvy business move makes sense as overhead will be reduced and a new group of clientele will cross-pollinate the two long-standing establishments. To support that effort the breakfast menu will introduce a new Glow-stick Eggs and Ham menu item as well as a Rainbow Maple Syrup that tastes great on pancakes during the day or licked off a bare chest at night.

“The name Martha’s has considerable brand equity in the Ozarks, but it is confusing as to which Martha’s one is referring to,” said local advertising executive Salem Jones. “When we were given the assignment to brand the new company, we took the lowest common denominator and leveraged it to provide instant recognition within the community. I mean, we considered ‘vineyard’ and ‘pancake house’ but those names didn’t have the instant appeal of ‘Martha’s,’” continued Jones.

One patron of both establishments expressed relief upon hearing the announcement. April Hosmotten said, “I was always confused when my friends said ‘Let’s go to Martha’s’. I’d always end up on the wrong side of town. Now with one Martha’s I won’t have to make that mistake anymore!”

Aunt Martha’s red barn will be relocated atop Martha’s Vineyard to complete the business merger.

Large motionless robot looms over the Ozarks

Springfield, MO—At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Missouri State University Observatory, reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. Moments later a large, mostly immobile Martian robot was seen hovering over Jordan Valley Park. The expressionless metallic invader stuck fear into nearby park goers, momentarily.

“I was eating a sandwich with my gal at the park when we were overshadowed by this ominous attack robot…only, it wasn’t attacking. In fact, it could barely move. We got out of there fast,” said Newton Hugler, a first-hand witness. According to reports a child was seen ambling towards the creature and begun to twist a wheel at the monster robots base. “I was terrified for the kid, when he started twisting the wheel the hellish robot flexed its joints, but couldn’t really make any progress. Then I wasn’t so worried,” said a nearby observer Helen Montja.

Local authorities had asked the governor of Missouri to place Greene County under martial law and were planning to prevent anyone access to this area except by special pass issued by state or military authorities. In fact, four companies of state militia were proceeding from Ft. Leonard Wood to Springfield, to aid in the evacuation of homes and businesses, but all efforts have been halted considering the robotic invader is mostly motionless.

General John K. Hashburg said, “We have secured the area. The robot doesn’t seem to be posing any threat to the general public. Unless a strong wind blows or a child turns its gears putting it into limited stages of animation, it pretty much just stands there. And for Pete’s sake someone turn off those tornado sirens they are killing me!”

Sherwood Forrest houses robbing criminals in this 'hood.

Springfield, MO—Greene County Sheriff’s deputies have tracked an outlaw gang to a Southside neighborhood in Greene County known as Sherwood Forrest located off highway 160 or Campbell Avenue. According to reports, the gang is responsible for multiple thefts across the city, numerous acts of mischief and several drive by arrow shootings.

Local resident Gloria Shiffold said, “I’ve lived in Sherwood Forrest for several years and I’ve never been afraid to leave my house. But now that this group of outlaws are hiding here I worry that I might be robbed of my fondest treasures.”

Apparently police have staked out the location known to house the criminals and found nothing more than a few scraps of green clothing, a recently used fire pit and a few stray arrowheads.

A police spokesperson confessed, “We know they are stealing high dollar items from luxury neighborhoods in the Springfield area. We just aren’t sure where they are keeping the loot. To date we have reports of a missing 56” flat screen television, a stolen Bentley and hoards of jewelry. You’d think we’d be able to find a stash such as this within their hideout.”

As recently as last week, SPD had one suspect in custody identified as Marion of Loxley County, Alabama. However, the suspected band of men hiding out in Sherwood Forrest released her after a daring jailbreak.

According to a flyer posted in Sherwood Forrest, Greene County Sheriff’s deputies plan to oust the gang leader by holding an impromptu archery contest at the parking lot of Bass Pro Shops this Saturday.

An outsourced jury hears outsourced court cases for Greene County, MO

Springfield MO—The overwhelming caseload for Greene County attorneys looks to be tamed by a much needed solution; starting August 15^th, excess court cases will be outsourced to attorneys in India and Pakistan.  Video teleconferencing in Greene County courtrooms will allow remote debating to conduct trails.  Attorneys from foreign countries will be granted licenses to practice law in Missouri despite never having studied here, provided they pass the required exams by August 1^st. The county hopes to decrease the current caseload and reap the benefits by saving approximately 85% of the costs of using local public defenders and prosecutors.

“This is a great deal for everyone,” cited Judd Russell a spokesman for the Missouri State public defenders office.  “With the technology we have today, with real time communication, I’m surprised we haven’t thought of using this before.  It is a win-win situation for our lawyers because they will not be putting their licenses at risk of be subject to malpractice by taking on more cases than they can handle.”

Russell also added, “Local judges will not have to appoint private attorneys to take cases against their will thus making them concerned with their own caseload.”

With the projected savings incurred with outsourcing, the budget director’s office is looking at reducing the current staff of 20 attorneys to 3 and funding the Springfield police and firemen pension.

“We’re in a global market now, with global crime. Why not use global prosecutors and public defenders to hear our American legal squabbles?” said Russell.

A dragon attempts to raze the Palace at Chesterfield Village

Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day.

Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects Chesterfield, stated, “It was a horrible hell-beast. Scales like iron and claws of steel. It’s alabaster teeth almost tore me to shreads as I saved Lady Arabell from his clutches.”

Frendrel road into battle with out warriors such as Brom Killtroll, Joseph Stormraver, and Millicent Gladewalker. After rallying at the Palace gates the champions finally drove back the beast. Although many lives were lost, and many buildings were burnt to ash it was still seen as a victory. Luckily the Palace that the village surrounds was unharmed.
This was not the first attack from a mythical beast Chesterfield has had to deal with. Numerous trolls, hellhounds, giants, and ogres have attacked the hamlet, but all were defeated by the group of warriors.

“It is true, we have had our share of troubles. Banshees, ghouls vampires (the non-glittery kind), and werewolves (the non-shirtless kind), and lawyers have all come to our humble hamlet. Mostly because of the tasty restaurants and nice apartments. But, we have destroyed them all. Except the ghouls. The ghouls kick our butts every time.”
The serfs of the village have pledged to rebuild their town no matter what the cost. The next dragon attack is due in about two weeks.

Springfield, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Springfield, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!”

Recently Springfield citizens, those who work and play downtown specifically, have been subjected to a multitude of awkward confrontations from strangers asking for names and addresses to put on their petitions for often murky subject matter.  “I signed one a couple weeks ago about some dogs or something, I didn’t have time to read the whole thing”, said Mike Dawson, who is not a registered voter anywhere.  “I mean, I had a dog when I was growing up.  I like dogs, so it seemed like the noble thing to do.”

This month, however, the petitioners have slowed their pace.  Perhaps they’ve moved to new territories, or collected all the signatures necessary.  “When I’m out, I just can’t be bothered enough”, said Dawson, “I like giving money to dudes who need just a little extra change to get bus fare to their new jobs, but sometimes that’s not enough.  Signing those petitions made me feel like I was doing something responsible and active in my community.  I signed the same one probably six times last month.  I really hope they get done whatever they’re trying to get done.”

Until now, one could only hope that with the weather warming up and foot traffic increasing daily, that more annoying petitions would arise.  But a local group has taken the matter into their own hands, with the petition for more petitions. “People don’t just want to go out and do what they came to do.  They want to be stopped, hassled, and solicited for their autographs”,noted  an anonymous spokesperson for the group.  “They get to feel like rock stars and sports heroes, with their signatures being so valuable.”

“I’m just glad there are going to be more petitions to sign”, said Charlie McBride, “those people seem authentically caring and passionate about what they do.”  One petitioner, when stopped for interviewing said, “I don’t really know what this thing is about, I haven’t read it yet.  They said I’d get $7.25 an hour if I got people to sign this thing.  Now that tax season is over, my job as the waving statue of liberty outside Liberty Tax Service was phased out…Oh, dude!  Are you a registered voter in Greene County?”

Douchebags invade eastern Greene County

Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.”  It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag queries.
The new roadside sign sits on the edge of a small community and it’s at the center of local conversation. The Greene County Sheriff wants it to spark even more talk. “Basically it’s a way for us to notify people that douchebags are in our community,” says Sheriff Jim Arnott.

“Oh gosh, that’s less than a mile away,” says Jillian Grover, who lives in the area. For some people, the sign may be their first clue of increased douchebags in the area, but others have already been alerted. “I heard probably 2 or 3 weeks ago from a friend who lives up the hill on Panther Creek, and she mentioned that her neighbor had been a douchebag,” says Grover.

“We put up a sheriff’s douchebag alert, and basically, if residents have any questions about the douchebag alert, they can contact the sheriff’s office or go to our website,” says Arnott. Douchebags, or “shower pockets” seem to be targeting the rural setting. Arnott says d-bags are stealing anything from guns to televisions to lawnmowers, farm equipment and engaging in total douchebaggery.

HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad observes a pink jail cell

Mt. Vernon, MO—With great fanfare, HGTV’s Color Splash mega-star and host David Bromstad, has singled out the recently remodeled Lawrence County Missouri jail’s all pink theme as “….bold, daring, and just a bit little naughty.” The idea of going all pink was the brainchild of Sheriff Brad Delay who cited hard data suggesting “…pink has a calming effect on prisoners. Who knew?”

Delay went on, “Just walking through the hot-pink cell block one gets a sense of serenity and inner-peace.” Bromstad who was secretly vacationing in nearby Miller, MO., was tipped off to the makeover and demanded to see it first-hand. “To say I was blown away would be the biggest duh moment of the century,” gushed Bromstad, adding, “What genius! Sheriff Delay not only painted the cells an over the top shade of luscious pink but he carried the theme to a natural conclusion by providing coordinating pink jumpsuits for the inmates.”

Known for creating one-of-a-kind art pieces on his runaway hit television show, Bromstad told FCN, “I intend to gift an art project in tribute to the citizens of Lawrence County and their forward thinking Sheriff for elevating jailhouse design to the next level.” Pushing back tears he added, “…my inspiration for the custom piece came from a charming visit with an old and gentle trustee affectionately known by fellow Lawrence County cell mates as Lil’ Dickie.”

A spokesman for Sheriff Delay said he intends to create a Power Point presentation showcasing the new digs including several candid pictures of inmates modeling their new attire. The presentation will be shared at the upcoming Missouri Sheriffs Association meeting to be held later this spring at Lake of the Ozarks. Entitled “Pink On The Inside: It ain’t your daddy’s old joint” the presentation will feature Bromstad and Sheriff Brad sharing their vision of how this sort of radical thinking will revolutionize the modern small-town penal system process.

Bromstad has promised to conclude the presentation with the unveiling of his custom art piece for the Lawrence County jail hinting, “All I will say is it will be very, very huge and of course, very, very, pink.”

Garrison's ghost pulls one last prank before Riverside Inn closes forever

Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday.

The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail after begin arrested for operating an illegal gambling enterprise. In 1973, Garrison said, “Some of my best vacations were spent in jail.”

No one reported seeing who returned the painting or even noticed anyone in the area before the subject matter was returned; further proof that Garrison was up to his old hijinks.

According to reports, people have seen plates thrown through the restaurant. Some have seen a green-glow of Garrison, walking with his cigar. Voices from unknown sources have been heard in the greenhouse. Most agree that the reigning apparition of Riverside Inn is displeased with the coming changes.

“I’m sure he’s just getting his kicks in before the restaurant is vacant. Who’s he going to haunt once the staff and diners are gone?” said one patron.