An Ozarks father prepares for Prom season

Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand.

“It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states Roger Tombs as he polishes his Tarsus PT111 9mm semi automatic pistol. “But, that is the way it goes,” the father said as he empties a clip into a photograph of the star quarter back, most of the shots straight to the groin.

While the fathers are preparing for the festivities, mothers are busy buying the perfect dress for their daughters and giving “the talk” to their sons. “The talk” of course being “if you get hit, make a tourniquet out of your cummerbund and run to a safe house.”

“I tell my daughter just to have fun, but be safe,” says another local father, cleaning his Barrett M107 military grade sniper rifle. “I trust her..I just don’t trust the scum bag boy she is taking to this dry hump-a-thon,” he said as he seamlessly put the gun together, then apart while blindfolded. Local high school students are also getting ready for prom. The girls making appointment for their hair and nails; the boys buying Kevlar vest and putting their blood type on the bottom of their dress shoes.

“Yeah, I am little nervous,” said local father of 5, Randle Greenberg. “I have 4 boys, and she is my baby girl.” Randle then took out a vintage World War 2 panzerschreck (German Bazooka) and fired it at a tuxedo clad mannequin.

“My little princess is becoming a woman,” he stated fighting back the tears. After the boost of the economy thanks to prom, many shop owners are looking forward to the graduation seasons where sales of nostalgia, cheek to cheek photographs, and a now-or-never attitude will more than likely be at an all time high.

Moms signing up for pole dance workout at The Pony

Springfield, MO—The Pony Club, a local gentlemen’s club, is offering pole-dancing workouts during the day in an attempt to reach a new crowd of local health-seeking patrons. The classes will be offered during the club’s off hours, at 8, 9 and 10 am Monday through Friday.

“We thought we could capitalize on our empty stages and create a new revenue stream at the same time. Plus we are helping people shed some unwanted pounds,” said one club representative, Danny Shakers.

One unique aspect to the pole dance workout is that sessions will be open to the public. “Yes, people are encouraged to attend the pole dance workout and tip the exercisers, and we’ll have tubs of Jello on hand in case our class participants want to try and swim though it. It is very hard to swim though a gelatinous material, which provides a good cardiovascular workout,” said Shakers.

Regular dancers at the club will serve as instructors and will provide direction on a combination of stretching, strengthening, abdominal and cardio movements that firms, sculpts and tones the entire body to stripper music.

“We have a lot of time where our building goes unused, we think this is a great use of our facility plus it provides another workout option for moms who are seeking some adventures workouts,” said Shakers.

Passenger "turns her self around" during airport screening

Springfield, MO— The head of the Transportation Security Administration said Sunday that he would try to make airport screening “as minimally invasive as possible,” and introduced a new screening procedure that includes dancing the “Hokey Pokey” which will replace aggressive pat-downs that have rankled passengers and lawmakers.

As the busy travel season approaches, TSA agents at the Springfield-Branson National Airport (KSGF) will be the first to implement the new procedure in a test pilot program. If all goes well, the new security screenings will be rolled out across the nation.

Passengers at KSGF will be required to pass through metal detectors first putting their left hand in, then taking it out, then putting it back in and shaking it all about. The drill will continue for all major body parts. “The shaking part is very important,” said TSA agent Luke Attem, “if there are any hidden tubes of toothpaste more than 3 oz. in weight, they will be visible or will fall out due to the vigorous dancing.”

TSA Administrator John Pistole said in a statement Sunday afternoon the agency is “constantly evaluating and adapting” security and that procedures are refined “in fact, we considered requiring all passengers to dance the tango with a TSA agent, but that dance was deemed too suggestive so we settled on the Hokey Pokey.”

Travelers have greeted the TSA and their invasive pat-down procedures with rising anger over the past few months. The TSA says it is moving toward Israelification while maintaining tough security and “that’s what it’s all about,” said Pistole.

Springfield siren lures customers to crash their vehicles

Springfield, MO—For 24 years, a local frozen treat wagon has employed a hauntingly mannish hula dancer, with enchanting dance moves and gyrations, to lure passing drivers to stop and purchase “whips” to nosh upon after the distracted drivers wreck their vehicles.

According to lore, the dancing hula man-thing has distracted thousand of drivers to the point of collision, just as the Roman poets spoke of the Sirens; seductresses who lured sailors to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island.

Humphrey Killow, an SPD traffic officer said, “yes, the hula dancer is a ‘siren’ of Springfield. Especially when the heat increases. Drivers are hot and desperately looking for relief. When they see the shaking hips they think it is a beautiful Hawaiian woman beckoning then in for a frozen treat, however, once a motorist approaches close enough to see the dancer’s face, they usually freak out and crash their automobile in horror.”

Crashing cars in parking lots seems to be an effective strategy for the frozen treat wagons. Most crashes necessitate vehicle repairs and a call to a towing service, leaving stranded drivers with several minutes or hours to wait for help—most, if not all, will purchase a tropical frozen dessert as they wait for a wrecker.

Timothy Ujim confessed, “I drove my car right into two parked cars at the Pineapple Whip. At first I thought it was the flyin’ Hawaiian Troy Polamalu, I was so excited that he endorsed the Pineapple Whip! While I waited for help, I had the orange, grape and the pineapple-strawberry-kiwi twist flavors.”

AAA motor club has identified three dangerous locations in the Springfield, MO area for drivers to avoid: 1309 S. Glenstone, Republic Road and Fremont, and 2536 N. Kansas, across from the Library Station.

Thousands of participants do the Artsfest Shuffle this weekend

Springfield, MO—Thousands of Artsfest attendees participated in the Artsfest Shuffle this past weekend, moving their feet at half the speed of normal pace. Slow walking and sidestepping were the main dance moves of choice among the herd of people who strolled Walnut Street.

“I’d always heard Artsfest was so crowded that you had to do a special dance just to make it from National to JQH street; this year I went and by golly, I had to do the Artsfest Shuffle all the way!” said Norman Kymacher of Reeds Spring, MO.

The crowded masses literally forced anyone walking the streets to do the shuffle. “I was going from craft stand to craft stand and didn’t even realize I was doing the Artsfest Shuffle. After 30 minutes I was like ‘I’m doing it! I’m doing it’,” said Lacey Coffman, a junior at Drury University.

The Artsfest Shuffle first emerged as the bipedal terrestrial locomotion of choice 30 years ago due to the popularity of Springfield Regional Arts Council’s Artsfest on Walnut street. Since that time visitors have shuffled along the street, taking pit stops at craft tents when a particular piece of art caught their eye.

“I was doing the Artsfest Shuffle while talking to my wife, who was behind me. I turned back to look ahead and the man next to me and I briefly held hands because the street was so crowded. Our hands literally smacked into each other. I thought I was going to be swung around thus starting the Artsfest Swing,” said David Donaldson.

Chimney sweep scam artists leap from roof to roof in Ozarks, robbing homeowners

Springfield, MO—Citizens are being warned of scam artists posing as chimney sweeps this fall. Homeowners should be particularly warey of groups of chimney sweeps who travel the country singing catchy tunes while performing choreographed dance routines.

Said one would-be victim Seth Goldrun, “I invited a man named Bert into my house who offered to sweep my flue for $25.00 and he said ‘Good luck will rub off when I shake ‘ands with you’. I did not shake hands with him.”

Checking fireplaces across the Ozarks is this band of merry criminals’ specialty. If an unknown person offers to sweep your chimney, you should be suspicious if he uses the phrase “Chim, Chim, Cher-ee”.

To protect yourself, only work with a reputable chimney sweep companies who employ persons with no singing or dancing skills.   You can find complaints with the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General‘s office if chimney sweeps are found to be dancing on your roof, jumping from house to house. Check to see if they’re certified with the National Chimney Sweep Guild or the Chimney Safety Institute or make this claim: No where is there a more ‘appier crew than them wot sings “chim chim cher-ee chim cher-oo!”

World-renowned climatologist Dr. James Hansen attributes this localized cloudburst to an “entire street filled with damn hippies”. Local street-stroller Glen Hooper believes the spring soaker is caused by “nature man…Ma nature is just giving the earth essential love.”

Springfield resident James Valentine says, “those tap girls on the dance stage are actually performing a ceremonial dance to invoke rain to ensure the protection of the coming harvest.” Dance instructors denied the dance Thunder Soaker had any effect on the weather then hurriedly fled to check their freshly planted fields.

The Springfield Regional Arts Council insists that the festival is not a concealed effort to bathe the areas “damn hippies” and is instead a celebration of springtime, food, fun, and the performing and visual arts. Maury Trimmons thinks the rain is simply God’s way to feature the divine artistic statement: the rainbow.

No one can deny that the moment tents are positioned in center city the universe recognizes the pattern of vinyl and polyester combined with nomadic artisans and responds with a drizzling spatter of downpours.