Alco-Haul "Prohibition style"

Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the rounds.

“Yeah, if booze and tobacco were outlawed, we could charge a heck of a lot more for our delivery service, plus we could ride in a souped up 1933 Dodge sedan with rotating license plates and bullet proof windows. That’d be awesome!” said one employee.

Not content to glorify the rough-shot vigors of criminal pasts, Alco-Haul is merely looking for a way to spice up the mediocre trek to homes seeking an additional boost to their celebration, be it beer, wine, spirits, snacks or tobacco among other items on their menu.

“Driving at high speeds aside, think of the cool clothing we could wear; nice suits, short ties, fedoras, and smoking stogies as we raced around the town delivering to secret saloons and speakeasies—all the while avoiding the man,” pontificated one Alco-Haul driver.

Management has been provided with other options to make the job more exciting, however, they are adamantly opposed to breaking any current laws which makes such ventures as Metho-Haul, Illegal Cable-Haul, and Tax Evasio-Haul strictly off limits to the ownership group. “Our focus is to limit drinking and driving, so to take on an illegal activity such as Marijuana-Haul would go against our morals. But a guy can dream of delivering moonshine, keeping one step ahead of the Feds while sitting in traffic on Campbell Avenue at rush hour,” said one team member.

Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Carterville, has a revoked driver’s license and several outstanding warrants for tractor racing. The chief says his blood-alcohol level was 0.094 percent and he was too intoxicated to test the lawn mower driver’s blood-alcohol level. The legal limit for drivers is .08 percent.

Dennison is charged with misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, driving with a revoked license, driving an off-road vehicle on a highway and pathetic racing of lawn tractors. “Really what else is there to do in Carterville?” exclaimed Dennison who was challenged to a race by some “punk kid”.

Howard said people with revoked licenses or previous drunken driving arrests often think it is okay to operate a lawn mower while drunk but it’s illegal to drive any vehicle on a public thoroughfare while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, much less race them on public streets.

Says Howard, “There’s really not much else to do around here ‘cept drink and race lawn mowers. These people really need to find a new hobby before someone races their tractor off the side of a cliff.”

Areas selected for enforcement are based on a high number of drinking-related traffic crashes, high numbers of contacts with drivers who have been drinking, and officer input as to probable contact with DWI violators based on officers’ past experiences, according to a news release. Basically, they’re going to be parking outside of bars, local meth labs and kegger parties loaded with boozehounds.

“This is a classic case of hero—villain dependency,” said graphic novelist author Stan Lee. “The Joker needs someone to vex and Batman needs someone to keep in check,” he continued, “it seems to me that the authorities in Dallas County want to give the criminals a head start.”

“I just hope we get the chance to chase an offender for a while before we take custody of the perp,” said Trooper Joel Thunder. “We don’t get a lot of action out here. Please if you’re going to break the law, please drink enough to be over the limit but still be able to give chase in your vehicle.”

“I’ll swear to drunk, I’m not God, and I ain’t gon’ get caught again this summer,” said Puggle Combs, local drunk, as he removed his pants and flung them around his head like a helicopter before puking on his own feet. “I cannot wait for June,” laughed Thunder with a longing smile gently wiping vomit from Puggle’s scraggly beard.

Motorists are urged to report any driver they observe operating a vehicle while chugging a 40, discarding empty beer cans into the bed of a truck or brown bagging it down a country road. The public can contact the Missouri State Highway Patrol toll-free at 1-800-525-5555 or on their cellular phone at *55.