Reportedly, 35-year-old Roz Russell was driving recklessly at around 3:00 a.m. She was pulled over a by a deputy and then refused to submit to an intoxication test. “I can’t submit to a test I’ve not even been studying for,” said Russell stumbling over a case of Bailiff Beer-Ale that had fallen out of her vehicle.

The Benton County Court—presided over by the young, unorthodox Judge Harold T. “Harry” Stone—was scattering to find a replacement bailiff since Russell was originally scheduled to fill in for a co-worker. When contacted to report for work while vacationing in the Florida Keys, bailiff Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon replied, “Ohh-kay”.

The deputy booked the bailiff on charges of misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, refusing to submit to an intoxication test, and driving with a suspended or revoked license. “Now that’s a good trick Roz,” said Judge Stone.

Russell was arrested back in April for similar charges. She was released from Benton County Jail on Sunday and is scheduled to appear in night court on August 31st where she’ll serve as defendant and bailiff. Dan Fielding plans to go easy on Russell as long as Christine Sullivan agrees to have dinner with the lecherous, sex-obsessed narcissistic prosecutor.

Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Carterville, has a revoked driver’s license and several outstanding warrants for tractor racing. The chief says his blood-alcohol level was 0.094 percent and he was too intoxicated to test the lawn mower driver’s blood-alcohol level. The legal limit for drivers is .08 percent.

Dennison is charged with misdemeanor driving while intoxicated, driving with a revoked license, driving an off-road vehicle on a highway and pathetic racing of lawn tractors. “Really what else is there to do in Carterville?” exclaimed Dennison who was challenged to a race by some “punk kid”.

Howard said people with revoked licenses or previous drunken driving arrests often think it is okay to operate a lawn mower while drunk but it’s illegal to drive any vehicle on a public thoroughfare while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, much less race them on public streets.

Says Howard, “There’s really not much else to do around here ‘cept drink and race lawn mowers. These people really need to find a new hobby before someone races their tractor off the side of a cliff.”