Local man cuts down trees to make a landfill for used plastics for Earth Day

Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then I realized I could stop placing garbage into the recycling can.”

Ozarkers across the region took action during this awareness period. “I took to burning that pile of tires but then realized that today was Earth Day, so I’ll burn that heap next week to honor todays’ celebration,” said Brett Hollinjer of Buffalo, MO. “We was emptying hazardous waste material into a cave,” claimed Abigail Fruittonger, “but on Earth day I decided to find an empty dumpster to take my nasties to, it saves the cave and the Earth a day of processing my meth lab excess.”

Sam Hergusin of Nixa decided he was going to recycle his used batteries. Hergusin drove around town from location to location for about an hour and a half asking where he could take the consumed portable power sources. “Eventually, no one had any good ideas and I was running thin on patience so I returned the batteries back into Earth myself – by throwing them into the James River on my way home,” said Hergusin.

If you have a good idea on how to save the Earth, please drive a large gas-guzzling  SUV into the nearest potable water source and empty several cans of hairspray toward the sky like a beacon to signify your location where we can collect your idea to save the Earth’s natural resources.

Fart tsunami to engulf city

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the event.

Emergency management spokesman, F. Art Enmunose said, “Ozarkers need to seek cover immediately. The Sertoma Chili Cook-off has produced torrential fart cloud storms in the past and we anticipate record attendance at this years’ event, which would correlate with our predictions for an enormous fart cloud tsunami rolling over the Ozarks Plateau.”

A tsunami fart cloud has never been seen on this world but is estimated to be as powerful as snownados, hurriqueefs, and more dangerous than baconstreak straight line winds. The rolling thunder of gas is expected to engulf the upper-atmosphere and come striking down upon the surface of the Earth expanding out hundreds of miles.

“I’ve secured my home with car air fresheners and bottles of Febreze. I’m not gonna take this poop cloud lightly. I’ve also installed new filters in my vents and boarded up my windows. This chili cook-off was a great idea when it wasn’t so popular. Now so many people attend it is a health hazard,” said Yen Juli of Ravenwood South.

Mayor O'Neal with his Grillz

Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them.

Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of receiving the free oral jewelry, hosted by the Missouri Grillz Mission charity.

“We were surprised by the turnout — it ensures, rather guarantees that a person has more money than brains,” said, Tom Yankers, co-chair of the Missouri Grillz Mission.

“This program shows that if provided freely, any dreadful fashion – save fanny packs – will be embraced by the people who need it least,” said Dr. Newton Figgery, an opponent of such conspicuous spending.

The Grillz program was meant to show that one doesn’t have to be excessively wealthy to afford to put diamonds on their chicklets. “Gangsta dentures, expensive braces and metal mouthpieces should not only be made available to rich people. Everyone should have the right to wear gold, silver, diamond, and platinum between their gums,” said Rachel Norrisonvilleshire who had her teeth did at the event.

“Grillz are the ultimate sign of wealth and power, that’s why I got mine done, that’s a powerful image!” said Mayor Jim O’Neal.

Stupid Mayan Calendar screws us again

Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday.

According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just well forgot to tell anybody.” Springfield based money manager Louis Lotsacache said, “Yeah, the Mayan calendar predicted the failure of US financial markets in order to raise the value of gold. Large quantities of gold was used by the Mayans to create and decorate their alters, temples and worship centers to ancient aliens who visited Earth thousands of years ago and enslaved humankind to mine precious metals from the ground.”

The rise in gold will surely please Texas Congressman Ron Paul who is expected to strip off his fake rubber mask and reveal himself to the American people as an Alien sent to this planet to monitor our behaviors.

Americans who had recently recovered from the worst stock plunge since December 2008 could not believe their tremendous luck at having another prime opportunity to invest in the market once again. Norman Fuqt, of Nixa, said, “What the hell!? I was just about to retire three years ago, was hosed, then made up my gains and now I’m hosed again…” after taking a deep breath and chanting several phrases of restraint Fuqt continued, “I mean another opportunity to get in on the ground floor is great.”

Predicted rapture sends people into debt on Earth

Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21^st. When the earthquakes didn’t arrive, most cursed, started fistfights with others and urinated on city streets in protest.

“Shit, what the Hell am I going to do now? This means I have to go back to working my crap-ass job as a crossing guard, said Hank Gimmons, one of millions of people who were not “chosen” according to Family Radio’s host Harold Camping.

For a select few the rapture was real, sending thousands of believers into a life of debt, sorry and eternal hell on Earth. “I thought one group of people would rise up and those left behind would be screwed. Not I’m the one hosed with no possessions, no money and no job,” said Mary Hemmingway of Ozark.

“What a sham, I donated all I had in my retirement to Family Radio and I bet I’m not getting one damn dime back any of that money back,” claimed Lois Gentry. “If they want to give me that money back, I’ll be at Walmart greeting shoppers.”

A spokesperson for Family Radio said this was a successful rapture in their eyes as it raised 18 million dollars. “We can’t wait for Camping’s next rapture prediction!” said the spokesperson, “these rapture predictions are great for business.”

WTF zodiac?

SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used to.”

According to Funkle, horoscopes were only being read in Cosmo Magazine, and horoscopes had been being dropped from various publications over the past few years. “We ended up even losing our strongest demographics,” said Funkle, “which, of course, are the Godless, the morbidly obese, and the bored.”

The shift in the zodiac even includes a new sign: Ophiuchus, also known as “The Snake Holder,” or “The Cousin Oliver”. “Just think of it as giving a sitcom an additional character—that always makes the show popular again,” said Funkle.

“I love the zodiac’s shift,” said Springfield resident George Sheady, “it has totally revived my interest in horoscopes and destiny and stuff. I used to be an Aries and now I’m a Pisces—and I couldn’t be happier. I used to act all impulsive and I was a total control freak, but now I’m more creative and sensitive. However, my girlfriend and I don’t get along anymore. Also, I think I might be gay now.”

Not everyone is accepting the shift as well as Sheady. “The zodiac sold out,” said former horoscope supporter, Lynn O’Gorman of Nixa, MO, “and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Astrology used to mean something—it used to be a reliable science, like fortune telling or Farkle. How can I believe something that changes every few thousand years? Anything so fickle can’t be trusted.”

The general opinion on the zodiac shift has yet to be determined.

Special mullet in the moon gives salon extra attention

Springfield, MO—Recently, local hair studio Eclips has seen a huge surge of interest given the lunar Eclipse occurring this week. The hair-cuttery has even fielded requests for a special lunar deal.  The strange coincidence between the similar names has given new attention to the salon.

“I think if we bring in a picture of the lunar eclipse we should get 10% off a cut,” said Newt Yolander, a man with a meticulously manicured male-mullet. “Heck, I’d even come in during the lunar eclipse at 2 am to get a discounted hair cut if Eclips was open,” mused Yolander.

Located at 5133 South Campbell Avenue Suite 206, Eclips has considered hiring security to watch their salon given the strange surroundings. “I heard that the Nixa Hellhound comes out under a full moon. Who knows what the Hellhound would do under a full red-copper moon? Maybe the Nixa Hellhound would want a haircut? Eclips is located near Nixa so you never know!” said Nimmers Johnson, a local cryptozoologist and ghost hunter.

Cross-town owners of Summer Solstice Tanning and Hair Salon said, “we will have our day soon, when the Solar Eclipse comes our way we will be the beneficiary of the strange cosmic free advertising.”

Weather image featuring bad weather is groovy

Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks.

One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and the unicorn urinated on the clouds and caused snow to fall.”

Given today’s technological advances, many viewers were surprised at the understated approach to weather reporting. “I had no idea that they had access to this type of technology that makes high-tech look low-tech,” said Barry Howard. “Very forward thinking to go all retro with the precipitation illustration.”

Not all viewers were impressed, “I thought it was drawn by a 5 year-old or a drunk hobo,” said Louis Cavanagh. “No, it looked as if a damn hippy vomited a rainbow on the radar screen.”

Most viewers agreed that the groovy imagery provided a good vibe that made bad weather seem not so ominous. “I saw a pair of cool sunglasses bordered by the light of a prism and I felt okay with another round of icy, snow, cold-as-a-Spanish-dungeon kick in the sack from old man winter,” said Herb Grimes.

Ozarkers add smoke stacks to their homes, burn coal, emit C02, and abandon recycling to "Go Black"

Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global warming this week with hopes to thaw the area by “Going Black”.

“Man, I’ve been buying extra gasoline and burning it in my backyard to speed up Global Warming, this cold weather is not for me,” said a homeless hippy who previously had considered himself a tree hugging environmentalist. Others have staged slash and burn events to encourage deforestation.

Avid recycler Joyce Fischer said, “I haven’t recycled anything the past two week and in fact I even took plastic bags at the grocery store the other day instead of using my green-bag to hold my groceries. C’mon global warming, I’m tired of these frigid temperatures.”

“I traded in my Toyota Prius for a gas guzzling ’89 Ford Bronco today, to help increase toxins in the atmosphere so my driveway can be cleaned,” said Coleen Shermore a local fourth grade teacher. “I even added two smoke stacks to my home to burn coal on the weekends. I’m encouraging all of my familys to do the same,” she continued. Reawakening the phenomenon known as global warming is thought to help release the icy grip that old man winter has on the Ozarks.

Scientist are quick to agree. “Since the industrial revolution we have done a lot of damage to the Earth, causing temperatures to rise. However, our recent efforts to reverse global warming have been so effective that we are in a global freeze period. I would encourage every person to “Go Black” so we can enjoy the tropical weather we all love so much,” said ecologist and geothermal pioneer Huey Thimble. “The more carbon dioxide we get into the air now, the quicker we can thaw out our gardens.”

“I saw the UFOs coming over the sky and I was just certain that aliens were coming back to claim their planet Earth they abandoned 5000 years ago,” said Ricky Bumswag, local resident and UFOlogist.

Several flights in the area were delayed or rerouted to avoid the giant floating “L” as a safety precaution. One pilot, Scully Branford, who landed at the downtown Springfield airport encountered the object. “It was the biggest letter I’d ever seen, most likely a san serif font, anyway I had to bank hard to the right in order to avoid a mid air collision between it and my Cessna,” said Branford.

Local weathermen Tom Trtan, Brandon Beck, Ted Keller, and Ron Hearst agree that the mystic symbol indicates a changing weather pattern. “The Ozarks are experiencing a low pressure area, or “low”, which is a region where the atmospheric pressure is lower in relation to the surrounding area,” said Beck.