Botanist burnsout before heading to Bike to Work week

Springfield, MO—Local Harley enthusiast Lloyd “Mangus” Hamiltons was especially excited to learn that May 16-20 was Bike to Work week in Springfield, his newly acquired hog was “due for a good commuting test”.

Mangus, a local botanist at Mark Twain National Forrest, said, “I was totally afraid that the carbon emissions that my hog emitted would be bad for the natural environment that I work in every day, but hey if the City is going to endorse Bike to Work, well I’m more than happy to oblige.”

Previous to learning about Bike to Work week, Mangus would car pool with other co-workers in an effort to save money on gasoline, minimize oil consumption and reduce his carbon footprint. “This week, I’m kickin’ 10 mpg on my green gas guzzler! Yee-haw,” screamed Mangus as he kick-started his ride and burned his non-eco friendly tires on the street releasing toxic gases into the atmosphere that he has fought so hard to protect.

“After walking the line, telling people to recycle, watch their water consumption and take care of Mother Nature for 20 years, it feels good to cut loose for one week,” said Ari Nutrilla, an Earth friendly professor who teaches the class “Give Back to Mother Nature, then Take a Little More.”

Mangus plans to ride his Harley down the trails he perfected last spring through the Mark Twain National Forrest, however, he’s looking forward to spending some time at an upcoming company getaway at Busiek State Park this Friday. “Hell, I’ve been ready to ride those trails for some time now. Used to be on my mountain bike, but not since this is a work event, I’ll be easy riding right down the paths!”

A ginormous shop vac sucks rainwater from Springfield

Springfield, MO—After presenting two forms of identification and laying down a $50 deposit, The City of Springfield has rented a giant shop vac to remove rainwater from roads, bridges and basements. The 6000-gal. 2,300HP shop vac was deemed necessary following heavy rainfall on Wednesday, when 6 to 10.5 inches of rain covered the city causing multiple headaches across the region.

According to reports, the City was notified of the massive flooding by a wife who had just returned from running errands. “There is water everywhere, you need to come and clean this up now!” said the wife.

Mayor Jim O’Neal approved the use of emergency funds to pay for the gigantic shop vacuum, which will be operated by Public Works. Rumors swirled that the department could not find—and was feverishly looking for—an enormous ShamWow towel that was purchased via an infomercial last spring just for a situation such as this.

O’Neal confirmed that the enormous ShamWow was last seen in City Hall when the fire department was demonstrating that it could hold 12 times its weight in liquid. “It’s a towel that acts like a sponge, made by Germans – you know the Germans always make good stuff!” said O’Neal, “we just have to find where we put it.”

The City has until Friday at noon to return the rented shop vac before incurring late charges. Citizens have been called upon to gather at the Southwest power plant and assemble together as many electrical cords as possible to operate the ginormous sucking machine. More rain is expected in the coming days.

Springfieldians cool off by drinking beer in a kiddie pool

Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield.  “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department.  “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern Hills, Pearson Creek and Highland Springs, were just sitting outside in baby pools drinking beer.  That maybe ok for them to do it, but we do not want these “beating the heat” ideas to spread to the North and West side of Springfield.”
Thanks to a 3 million dollar federal stimulus grant, information will soon be available in the form of mass mailings, radio and television ads.  “This is great,” added Bosco, “Not only did the Federal government gave us money we didn’t even ask for, they threw in the actual ideas of how to stay cool.  This is truly government at its best.”

Below is a preview of what to look for in the following days:

TURN ON AIR CONDITIONING AND FANS—Apparently a lot of people were still in the “Ice storm” mode after all these years. They did not know there is a cool switch on their thermostat as well as heat. With the help of Springfield City Utilities, they will come to your house and turn it on for you.

WEAR COOL AND LIGHT COLORED CLOTHING—There are still people walking around in wool and flannel shirts and pants. Some of them are even wearing parkas and gloves. We will show them by wearing shorts, short sleeve shirts and tees they will feel instant relief. We do not want see people go overboard on this, however. The people at Party Cove at Lake of the Ozarks are not supermodels; we will keep a close eye on this one.

DRINK WATER—This is an important idea.  A recent study showed that 1 in every 4 people have peed in the pool.  With all these people sitting in the baby pools drinking beer, sooner or later they got to go.  This is where it really becomes a health issue especially with children involved.  By drinking water this may help the urge.

STAY OUT OF THE SUN—We like to get all of these baby pool’n, beer drinking people inside.  We suggest they go visit friends and neighbors or just hang out at the Battlefield Mall.

Bosco added, ”I am shocked that nobody has ever thought of this stuff before. These have got to be the best ideas ever. I mean ever!”

Conservationalist attempt to clean fisherman caught in oil spill

Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north to escape the inhospitable conditions of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida.

A Southern California human-rescue group is sending a team of volunteers to the Ozarks to save as many people as possible. Fort Leonard Wood Oiled Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in Missouri has already treated 203 oiled residents of the gulf.

The Red Cross has established a holding center at the Partnership Industrial Center tentatively dubbed “Tar Ball City” where oil drenched people are processed. “It’s taking 45 minutes to an hour plus to do the wash, so it’s a very stressful thing for them,” said Holly Flander. “We hydrate them, we give them intravenous hydration if needed, medication, get them some food and then, as they’re strong enough, then they go through the washing process.”

If deemed strong enough, first the humans are massaged in warm vegetable oil to break up the muddy oil from the spill.  Then the Gulf refugees are put into a sink filled with Dawn or other gentle dishwashing soap and the workers gently clean their skin and hair.  Extra care must be taken so the humans’ spirits are not damaged.  A toothbrush is used around their eyes and head.  This continues until all of the oil is washed away. Next the fisherman/tourist proprietors are dried in a “blow drying room” like the ones used at dog grooming salons.

Some experts—citing traditionally low survival rates for rescued humans—are controversially arguing it would be better to immediately and humanely kill the suffering refugees affected by the oil spill.

Jim Yilling, a local biologist said, “emotionally painful as it is, I would be for euthanizing those people if it can be shown that the probability of them being successfully rehabbed is low. Their industries that keep them alive are demolished…their habitat has been poisoned as have their bodies. What’s the point in rehabilitated fishermen who will die anyway as a result of oil exposure, due to kidney and liver damage caused by oil ingestion?”

The human apocalypse along the Gulf of Mexico coast has spread to other states as well, such as Arkansas and Tennessee. Local industry workers affected by the spill are becoming trapped by the oil and have been washing into neighboring states, coated in the sludge. The fallout from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is increasingly affecting the Ozarks, as well as other communities across Missouri.

Ozarkers add smoke stacks to their homes, burn coal, emit C02, and abandon recycling to "Go Black"

Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global warming this week with hopes to thaw the area by “Going Black”.

“Man, I’ve been buying extra gasoline and burning it in my backyard to speed up Global Warming, this cold weather is not for me,” said a homeless hippy who previously had considered himself a tree hugging environmentalist. Others have staged slash and burn events to encourage deforestation.

Avid recycler Joyce Fischer said, “I haven’t recycled anything the past two week and in fact I even took plastic bags at the grocery store the other day instead of using my green-bag to hold my groceries. C’mon global warming, I’m tired of these frigid temperatures.”

“I traded in my Toyota Prius for a gas guzzling ’89 Ford Bronco today, to help increase toxins in the atmosphere so my driveway can be cleaned,” said Coleen Shermore a local fourth grade teacher. “I even added two smoke stacks to my home to burn coal on the weekends. I’m encouraging all of my familys to do the same,” she continued. Reawakening the phenomenon known as global warming is thought to help release the icy grip that old man winter has on the Ozarks.

Scientist are quick to agree. “Since the industrial revolution we have done a lot of damage to the Earth, causing temperatures to rise. However, our recent efforts to reverse global warming have been so effective that we are in a global freeze period. I would encourage every person to “Go Black” so we can enjoy the tropical weather we all love so much,” said ecologist and geothermal pioneer Huey Thimble. “The more carbon dioxide we get into the air now, the quicker we can thaw out our gardens.”

Property owners claim contaminated spring is economic miracle

Springfield, MO—Recent event have forced a spotlight on the amazing diesel spring located on property owned by a local railroad company. Springfield officials are claiming that the DNR or EPA should investigate further, as the City doesn’t wish to accept responsibility for the contamination that runs into the Jordan River that deposits into Table Rock Lake.

A Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad spokesperson said, “I don’t know why any citizen would complain about a natural occurrence where usable fuel is bubbling up out of the ground. I mean pull up your big rigs people, fill ‘er up! Move over Texas tea, we’ve got Springfield ‘D’! Get it? The ‘D’ stands for diesel.”

The Director of the Watershed Committee of the Ozarks, says this is certainly not drinking water…a fantastic observation. Federal and Local Government officials will likely be fighting a long and involved process to shift blame and prevent action to find the source and get it cleaned up.

In the meantime, local homeowner Trent Yula said, “if I wanted to live next to a diesel spring, I would have moved to Oklahoma or wherever they have oil springing up out the ground. Now my dog has been drinking from this thing and he urinates a black stinky oil when he’s not sprinting around the yard trying to chase the an unknown rabbit.”

The source of the gaseous substance coming out of the spring will continue to feed the natural health hazard until someone has the balls to clean it up.