Google Hipster car outside of Midnight Rodeo on Glenstone avenue

Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture the unique view on life. The Google Hipster car sports a large pair of trademark black geek-chic frames over the camera lens.

“I seen that Google car driving around and figured someone was a playin’ a joke on it,” said Newton Arthur, 87 of Springfield. The giant eyeglasses of increasing coolness and size are placed upon the camera lens to identify areas of interest for local and visiting hipsters to the area, such as independent art galleries or indie movie houses.

A Google spokesperson confirmed that when the Hipster view is selected on Google Maps a wide selection of filters are available including: Camero, Rise and Shine, Roaster or 1976. The soft glow street view will help Hipsters identify attractions such as beer gardens that serve PBR in cans, live music locations featuring bands that you’ve never heard of and locations where second hand  or vintage

Google Hipster car outside of Midnight Rodeo on Glenstone avenue

clothing is sold.

“I was looking for a great place to pass out, if I had access to Google Hipster view I could have found the perfect spot. Instead I wound up in a forbidden zone, nowhere near the part-time editorial assistant position that I was interviewing for in the morning,” said Champ Lewison, a self-denying hipster dressed in skinny jeans, plaid shirt, scarf and beanie above black rimmed glasses.

Google Hipster view hopes to ensure that hipsters find ways to be highly creative, intelligent, thoughtful, and witty as they search for purpose and inner worth – at least in their own minds or onscreen lives.

Jobs invented this awesome iPhone case

Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives.

“He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, too bad about that his passing, he would have made a good business man.” Others shared similar sentiments. “Steve Jobs changed my life by inventing the internet and Facebook. Oh wait and YouTube. He did that too,” said Neil Younger, a freshman at Hillcrest High School.

Several Ozarks residents were stunned with disbelief upon hearing the news. “Steve Jobs created one of my fondest memories…my neck tattoo of a naked lady with the head of a bison,” sobbed Mule Henderson of Sparta, MO, “that is the same Steve we’re talking about right? The tattoo artist down on the square that works in the alley?”

Jobs’ impact was felt across all economic landscapes. “Used to be, I could steal a radio and get 10 maybe 15 dollars for it. After Apple started making pocket computers, I could swipe an iPhone, iPad, iWhatever and haul in a nice payday on the black market. Thank you Mr. Jobs,” said meth addict and convicted thief Jonas DerFukensteinhandle of Boliver, MO.

Steve Jobs impacted the lives of Ozarkers by offering them access to revolutionary devices that were often used for unconventional purposes. “Like the twisty face thing in Photo Booth, man that thing is hilarious! Lemme show you this picture of me and my bird Scuttles that I sent to my friends around the world in a matter of seconds,” said Andrew Biwell as he reached into his pocket, fumbled his iPhone and dropped it to the ground shattering into a thousand pieces then spouted, “Aw piece of crap Apple!”

YouTube addicts hooked watching self-made videos

Springfield, MO – Much like the 1930′s, when thousands of unemployed workers took to
movie theaters to escape their grim reality of joblessness, thousands of laid off
workers use YouTube as a means for modern escapism. Also, the gainfully employed use
YouTube just as much to escape their own reality. In fact, according to a recent study, the numbers are exactly the same.

“I just can’t take it anymore. Every day is complete hopelessness. I wake up, and think ‘why did this happen to me,’” says Greg Marksfield, an employee of a prestigious accounting firm. “I start my day with an hour of funny cat videos, have a 3-hour lunch break entertained by funny dog videos, and end my day with 45-minutes of awesome sports injuries. I know it seems like a waste of time, but I need to be transported into another world, a world where cats freak out, like all the time.”

Ironically, that is almost the exact same schedule of Mark Lucas, who has been out of work for 18 months. “After rising and before I hit any of the job boards, I need to pump myself up with 2 hours of funny monkey videos, then I have lunch alone being entertained by some funny videos of kids falling down, then I end my day with 45-minutes of awesome car wrecks. I just have to keep my mind off my bleak present and future. The videos really help me out. For 2 minutes I am the funny monkeys, not some jobless loser,” said Lucas.

The recent report shows that typical workers waste about 5 hours a day on Pandora, YouTube, Facebook, and (at .0000000000001%) MySpace. It also shows that the jobless use the same internet sites as distractions from their unemployment for 5 and half hours a day.  Even in the most desperate of situations, where people have to live in tent villages (or Hoovervilles), they use smart phones and tablets to surf the net.

“This is a great time for us,” states Mike (from Mike N Gary, a YouTube based sketch group that recently gained a YouTube partnership and has thousands of hits a day). “People hate their jobs, people hate not having jobs. People need to laugh and have an attention span of 2 minutes. This is a golden age of YouTube.”

Bosses are thinking of ways to curtail YouTube use at the office, but all the previous tactics are falling short. Some ideas on the drawing board are:  shock collars, YouTube smelling dogs, and becoming Amish.

Mike McMichaelson motivational speaker

The big reunion is coming up.  The year was 1991 and other than the obvious 40lbs I have gained since my high school graduation, I look a lot like I did back in the day.  Of course, things have changed a bit.  I haven’t worn a turtle neck under a button down shirt in a while or tight-rolled my jeans.  It has been some time since I cracked out the high top Reeboks, jam shorts and Ocean Pacific (OP if you are cool) shirts.  I rarely listen to my Huey Lewis cassette tapes anymore.  I no longer have a crush on Tiffany…still don’t know her last name either.  The one thing that still remains the same though…if I found the New Kids on the Block, I would kick their asses…all of them including that really tiny kid.  I may not have looked good then but man did I smell good.  There was a 6 year period that I sprayed enough Polo and Obsession cologne on myself to choke a hog and yet, all these years later, I realize that this was not the key to effective courting.  This chapter in our lives is typically riddled with a lot of emotions along with a lot of dry humping…it is fair to say that we really didn’t know what we were doing but were anxious to try.   I am sure there is some hot shot out there that started working out a few months ago so he could make a “good showing” at the reunion…not me.  The popularity contest ended years ago and I wasn’t the winner.  I think the motivational moment here would be…and this is for everyone young and old…enjoy all the days of your youth because you will get fatter and most likely less attractive…on a brighter note, however, now you can use Facebook to creep around and see who is even fatter and less attractive than you to make you feel better.

Keep em’ comin’ and watch em’ go.

Mr. Mike Michaelson

Facebook status confirms break up

Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts suspect this is partially because Black stayed in Springfield after high school, attending Missouri State University, while Taylor went to Mizzou in Columbia, MO.

“We were physically and emotionally becoming more and more distant,” said Emily Taylor, who initiated the breakup. “I felt like if we stayed together any longer I wasn’t going to get the full college experience.”

“I thought things were fine,” said Black. “Emily never told me about any of that before she broke up with me. And she had lots of chances to let me know, we Skyped all the time.” Black added, “What does she mean, ‘full college experience’?”

Previous to the breakup, the couple went to great lengths to prove their undying love for each other.

“I bought her a promise ring. She had me pose with her in at least half of her senior photos. I dedicated my senior quote in the yearbook to her. You aren’t supposed to break up when you do things like that,” said Black. “I even wrote her a song.”

“Yeah, he wrote me a song,” said Taylor, “it wasn’t good.”

The breakup seems to have been a big surprise to all of Black and Taylor’s friends and Facebook friends. Black’s friend, Brent Richardson, commented to Black’s newly single status, “What?!?? Dude, that sucks, txt me.” Nikki Nickels, on Taylor’s Wall, only managed to choke out “:(“.

Uranium enriched bagels receive glowing review

Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds.

The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. Mad scientists, Iranians, North Koreans, time traveling robots, terrorist, and Doc Brown are all very excited about the new tasty treat. The US government has also bought 3000 bagels for something that’s “really big and something they are really excited about”.

Not all are excited about the new bagels. “Stalin and Son’s Bagel Factory For The Glory of Mother Russia and the Workers” vows to steal the formula from the Brothers Einstein. “We Russians will not rest till these three things happen: moose and squirrel are dead, America hockey team beaten by magnificent crimson goliath that is USSR team, and bagel formula is in our hands,” states Gregory Stalin. When asked about plans Gregory stated, “We have been watching lot of Sponge Bob to use Plankton’s ideas. Also we like the Jurassic Park’s shaving-cream-with-hidden-compartment idea. That very good movie. Big hit in Motherland. Love to see capitalist pig lawyer getting eaten by glorious Tyrannosaurus Rex of the people. Also the kids are cute.”

Einstein Brothers says they are not worried about any attempt to steal the coveted recipe because it is kept under lock and key by Roger, the 16 year old night manager, and Kendra, his girlfriend, who sometimes hangs out there for the free soda.

Although the brothers are happy about the exciting new bagel, they are disappointed that their attempt to make a cold fusion scone has failed completely.

Drug dealer upset that neighborhood is going to pot

Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation.

“I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only by “Lucky Leon”. “I’m trying to run a business here, and all of this sinful behavior will make this a much less family friendly atmosphere. Them ho’s is killing us.”

Another dealer, “Ragsy”, went on to say “Listen, this building is known for two things: rats and good, quality, crack cocaine. I won’t have its reputation sullied by becoming a massage parlor known for its happy endings.”

When asked what they planned to do about the incursion of the world’s oldest profession onto their turf, both men had the same answer: absolutely nothing. “It’s the free market, and a down one at that. I guess we’ll just have to make do,” sighed Ragsy before offering this reporter a deeply discounted vial of crack.

FCN goes backward in technology...who agreed to this again?

Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement.

“I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to swat flies with,” said Norman Donaldson of Nixa, “That FCN is printed on paper worse than my bulk purchased single-ply toilet paper, and the content is about as mindless as the backside that I clean it with.”

According to reports, Fair City News decided to publish a paper version to help revitalize the “dead tree press, because, in this economy, if anyone needs help it is the newspaper industry. God bless Steve Gutenberg and his printing press technology.”

Fair City News was founded in 2009 as a technically savvy weblog, connected to hip social media sites such as Twitter and Facebook and was recognized as a hot local blog full of promise. Now, in the “future” FCN is basically a pick-up and read by the crapper quick-fix.

Missouri State University Professor of Journalism, Hal Victor, said, “FCN was cute when it was a blog, now that it is a printed publication it makes a great homeless person’s blanket.”

One print edition reader, Haley Newsome said, “The press on screen is not as appealing as appealing as the print on the paper. I prefer to have the ink stain my fingers as I read the satire that drips into my mind.” The blog version of FCN can still be found at www.FairCityNews.com.

Fair City News management has revealed that the trend in reverse-technology has proved to be successful and plans to launch a FCN branded helium-filled zeppelin to report satire news in the near future, source a team of vagabonds to pass stories via the spoken word from generation to generation, implement fireside chats on the furniture-sized radios, deploy news releases via 8-track and vows to avoid run-on sentences…from time to time.

Surprisingly, AgroMix Ozarks went largely unnoticed

Nixa, MO—It seemed like the perfect business plan in the red-hot social media boom, but a Nixa man’s agriculture-themed photo sharing site folded today, mere hours after its initial public offering failed to draw a single investor. “She’s as stillborn as a two-headed calf,” bemoaned LarryEarl Smith, founder and creator of the now defunct AgroMix social media network.

Smith based his business model on similar sites that have enjoyed sustained success in drawing visitors and advertising revenue. Unlike those sites, which feature photos of hip, young metropolitan city-dwellers enjoying Springfield’s nightlife — often in scant or racy attire — Smith’s site took visitors well outside the city limits.  “Not everyone enjoys pictures of young, thin college girls with all their teeth,” Smith explained.

Sample photo collections on AgroMix included such topics as “Milkmaids of Marshfield,” “Babes of Bois D’Arc” and the highly anticipated “2011 Christian County Tractor and Lingerie Collection”. “He was simply trying to tap into the rural market,” said Ray Don Cheeter, a cousin of Smith’s who said he seriously considered investing in the project. “I’d have done it, too, but the MegaMillions got up to $315 million that same week, and I ended up investing my money there instead. I mean, I’ve got my retirement to think of,” Cheeter said.

Cheeter said his cousin may have simply overestimated the demand for another social media site. “I’m not even sure they can get Internet service in Bois D’Arc, other than sattelite — and hell, you may as well paint your bass boat gold for what you pay for that — and I told him that,” Cheeter said.

Smith says he remains undeterred, and is considering moving his operations to the Branson area. “I think with a little tweaking, this could still work to fit a Branson audience,” Smith said. “I even purchased the domain name today, so look for BlueHairMix.net.”

Brangelina totally "saw" Marthy in Springfield!

Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street.

Pitt said, “OMG, I totally was in the same room with Marthy! They were buying books at the Barnes and Noble just like normal people. They were there with their kids and they were just shopping around, like we do!”

Jolie was equally impressed, “wow, I mean there they were just being themselves. I couldn’t believe that we actually saw them in the ‘real world’. They are amazing!”

Brad and Angelina started tracking the movements of Marthy by posting to Facebook and Twitter, encouraging their friends to try and get more information about them.

Brad’s Facebook status was littered with responses that read “no way!”, “that’s so cool” and “they’re just normal people like us”. Said Jolie, “it isn’t everyday that our town gets to see a power couple like Marthy. I was trying really hard not to say anything to them. I bet they just want to be left alone and not bothered. But I soooo wanted to go up and talk to them about, well, I guess I don’t really know them at all. But I wanted to say hi.”