Robber escapes with wild jump over bank

Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe for KFC extra crispy chicken, as well as countless other prizes.
“I can’t believe it,” tells one witness. “One moment he runs in and the next he takes off in a solid orange car with a rebel flag on it. And for some reason there was a ramp right there, and when he was mid air some creepy southern voice told us, ‘Now that’s what I call a quick get away’”.
“We lost everything,” states Duke Hazard, president of the bank. “The ruby studded spittons, a fur coat made up of raccoon pelts, and a golden fiddle won from Satan himself.”
The bank assured its patrons that the best blood hounds are on the case.
“Nothing will stop those guys once they have the scent,” reports Officer Rawls. “Unless of course one dies from mountain lion attack and the other one dies of grief. But, that hardly ever happens.”

Couple celebrates their personal debt ceiling deal

Springfield, MO—Jerry and Trisha Thumbolt reached an historic agreement this week on a compromise to raise their new personal debt ceiling limit in exchange for more than $200,000 in long-term spending cuts.

Mr. Thumbolt emphatically passed the emergency legislation Tuesday to avoid a first-ever Thumbolt family default, rushing the legislation to Mrs. Thumbolt for her signature just hours before the deadline. The vote (3-1) capped an extraordinarily difficult battle pitting homemaker forces in the house against Jerry and free spending ways of the breadwinner.

House Leader Trish Thumbolt said, “both my cats and I gave more ground than we  wanted to. But we’re comfortable with the increase in debt allowances because we need a new couch in the side room and my Target Visa card is burning a hot-damn hole in my purse.”

Breadwinner Jerry Thumbolt said that the pact “will ensure significant cuts in family spending” and he assured his future children that a first-ever default on Thumbolt obligations won’t occur.

“We have made allowances for us to continue spending like hell without addressing any specific, immediate cuts. In fact, we Thumbolt’s have agreed to cut discretionary spending by $200,000 over the next 10 years. That’s like 20 grand a year. Hell, if I don’t buy a new car every year (like a really, really want to) I’ve got it made!”

“I had to cry for, like, all day,” said one executive. “Fortunately, this really expensive wine I’m bathing in is very soothing on my facial muscles.”

Agency sources confirmed that it was much easier to group all the “layoff crew” into one location to deliver the news instead of taking the time to meet with individual employees 1-on-1. “That would have taken like two days we had so many people to sh*t-can,” said a prominent agency insider who was wiping away crocodile tears with hundred dollar bills, “who am I going to bill for that!?”

Layoffs were administered quickly and without much explanation according to agency sources. “Usually we try to paint with broad strokes, blame the economy, client budgets, etc. We really don’t want to discuss our poor investments and lack of money management. That would be well, irresponsible,” said an upper-echelon exec as she crushed a Faberge Egg and snorted it off a subordinate male employee’s bare chest.

“I’m really surprised that they provided us no information regarding our health care options, life insurance continuance or filing for unemployment,” said one laid off employee who was hustled out the door, head spinning with unanswered questions.

“Additionally, they dangled a piss-poor severance package in exchange for our promise to never bring any charges against them. I’m not saying it is sexist but doesn’t that sound like someone trying to hide something?” said one male employee who was dismissed from a remaining team of all female associates.

“As a company who prides itself on trend analysis, I guess we really should have seen this coming, but damn, I guess we can now positively identify the next new hot trend as ‘Layoffs’,” said one executive as he motioned for someone to write that down, not realizing that the only people left to do the work were the overpaid elite who crushed the company with massive top-heavy, over-inflated salaries.