Mall rioters moments before the outburst

Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to history.

In 1999, Sbarro and Orange Julius attempted to secede from the mall. They claimed it was due to mall management growing too powerful and not recognizing store’s rights. Other stores, to the north of the food court, claimed the issue was over the low, or non-existent, wages they were paying their employees.

The first battle broke out when Sbarro employees marched down to Claire’s with piles of pepperonis in their hands throwing them at the merchandise and customers. A group of teenage girls banded together led by Katelyn Rew.  They grabbed cheap earrings and fended off the attack, forcing the marauders back into the food court.

Soon, both sides were organizing. JC Penney’s helped build a wall separating the food court from the rest of the mall using portable barbecue grills. Hot Topic customers were often on the front line, firing spiked collars over the wall.

The battle raged for hours, with many casualties. Orange Julius had the greatest losses, losing 5 employees, and 14 vats of “The Original,” which was used as ammo. The food court was occupied by both sides several times. Many from Abercrombie and Fitch were forced to choose sides, with bro fighting bro.

Before the battle ended, Famous Barr was assassinated while he watched a talent show.

The reenactment is scheduled for July 26^th, the 12 year anniversary, of the Treaty of Mastercuts. The organizers are still looking for people willing to portray soldiers. The organizers would like participants to dress like mall patrons of the time. Suggestions are bleach blonde hair for guys and Britney Spears’ schoolgirl outfit for girls.

Man completes shopping without going to mall

Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall.  “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall.  Heck, I haven’t even been there in years.”

When asked how he was able to accomplish such an unusual feat, Dinkleman shared some of his shopping secrets with FCN.  “The big thing is that I found that there are several places all over Springfield that I can buy shoes, athletic wear, jewelry, candy, clothes of all kinds…even kitchenware you name it; there is another place in Springfield that sells it. If I get hungry, there is no waiting at a food court.  I just go to a drive thru and get burgers, tacos, chicken and even oriental food.  It’s just a simple deal.  The truth is I have always shopped like this.  Nobody knew I did it this way until I came home one night with a Target bag,” he said.

Sally Dinkleman, who was been married to John for over 20 years, was pleasantly surprised when she learned of her husband’s shopping secrets.  “I just can’t believe how good he does with the whole family’s gifts.  Everyone is happy and nobody complains.  I always thought he was a sucker for radio and TV ads for jewelry or a Lexus, cause that is what I usually get.  If his method of shopping ever gets out you may never see a married man in the Battlefield Mall again.”

Finally, Dinkleman revealed the universal truth in male shopping that could render being a marketing major in college a thing of the past.  “Let me tell you something.  And again its a simple deal.  WOMEN SHOP AND MEN BUY.  It’s true.  How many times have you been out with the wife or girl friend and look at shoes, for example.  Women can look at shoes all day and come home empty handed.  That would never happen with a man,” he said.

Battlefield Mall patrons navigate a snow maze created by snowplow driver

Springfield, MO—Kyle Hertz, a local snowplow driver for the City of Springfield created the area’s coolest snow maze out of boredom yesterday in the Battlefield Mall parking lot.

Hertz was credit with the artistic, mind-challenging creation after several hours of work and tedious snow plowing. According to sources, Hertz was seen plowing excess snow into an enormous mound, grading it out into a flat plane 8 feet tall, then carved cryptic paths to create a fantastic maze entrance into the food court entrance at Battlefield Mall.

“I had to park about 100 feet from the door, but I really enjoyed navigating the stimulating puzzle to gain entrance to the mall,” said Stacy Herzog. Several people filled the parking lot to attempt the maze configuration only to be left confused and lost in the labyrinth.

Joey Ferguson said, “I was in there for 45 minutes before I saw another person. And no the yellow wall is not from me, it was a dog. I swear.” At press time, no dogs were confirmed entering the maze.

“I usually do my job as normal, clean the streets, drop the salt, etc. But today I felt the need to express myself. In a way that no other snowplow driver ever has in this town. A snow maze made sense to me, so I did it, and people really seen to enjoy it,” said Hertz.

Battlefield Mall food court sales up 45% as nearly everyone who made it though the maze was extremely hungry and couldn’t resist purchasing some snack to soothe their problem solving induced hunger.