Truffle Shuffle Gang terrorizes Ozarks' financial institutions

Rolla, MO—In what was initially thought to be the same man robbing three banks, Missouri law enforcement have identified the “Truffle Shuffle Gang” as a dangerous group of fleshy felons. The endomorphic criminal element took police on, “a ride we’ll never forget,” according to Moberly City Policeman, Kevin Diggs. “We thought it was just one super obese guy robbing these banks, but it turns out there are three of these corpulent crooks,” exclaimed Diggs. The robbers are described as 40 to 50 years old, 5’7”, and “so chubby he makes Free Willy look like a tic-tac.”

Rolla police say the robbers not only look similar based on surveillance footage but also shared the same method of operation and get-away vehicle. In each case, the robber, waddled around the rope line dividers, assumingly to avoid ridicule, approached the teller, pulled out a handgun from pants that seemed impossible to squeeze anything else into, pointed it at the teller and demanded money. The suspect took the cash and stuffed into a used Doritos bag. The man exited the bank in what witnesses were calling “painfully slow and kind of funny,” and escaped in a white minivan.

Sedalia Police Chief, Roger Macolm, explained, “these guys shouldn’t be too difficult to apprehend.  We’ve got undercover officers at all Golden Corrals and Logan’s Roadhouse in the state.” Sedalia Police have released photos of what the suspects might look like if they have changed vehicles to novelty-sized motorcycles.