Flip cup game decided Brew Co ownership

Springfield, MO – The new ownership group of the Springfield Brewing Company won the right to purchase the establishment from The Paul Mueller Company after winning a series of drinking games, most notably: quarters and flip cups.

Head brewer for the Brew Co said, “We just happened to have the right people in the room. Someone suggested that our team could beat your team at flip cups, then we laid down a bet of $3 million purchase price for the brew-pub. Then it was on!

Sources report that the previous ownership group was attending a nice dinner when the speculative group arrived comprised of Barry Badrinath, brothers Jan and Todd Wolfhouse, “Fink” and the current head brewer.

“One thing lead to another after we started tasting a new holiday brew. Next thing you know, we had played quarters, beer pong, asshole, “Hi, Bob”, thumbmaster, questions, the Seinfeld game and were down to flip cups. I was nervous,” said Matt Gergenson, a former owner.

Witnesses reported seeing the two groups convene upstairs around a long table with 5 upside-down cups placed on each side, where a walled partition was closed off from public view. “We were pretty far along before the final flip cup game. Fortunately, we nailed our cups before they got theirs down. I was the last person and chugged my beer first. Boom, we won,” said Badrinath.

Donkey vomiting usually occurs at this point on the 1800’s coaster

Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s.

“We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast about a genuine old time experience, but we don’t do it. We have toilets instead of outhouses (a mistake we will fix next year), we use money instead of beaver pelts, and no malaria instead of everywhere malaria. But, the worst is our rides that use technology from as recent as last year, that is no way to run an amusement park,” states a spokesman for the park.

The rollercoaster will begin as two donkeys tow the coaster up to a 100 foot drop. At that time the donkeys will be put in the back to cars of the coaster. The coaster will then drop 100 feet and treat the guests to several curves causing many screams and donkey vomit. After that a team of under paid Irish immigrants will pull the coaster up another steep hill. After that the ride stops and a worker tells everyone to close their eyes and pretend the roller coaster is going upside down twice and does a barrel roll. Finally the donkeys get out of the back cars and pull the cart to the finish.

“Man that ride is so sad,” said park attendee Stanley Goalwater. “I couldn’t enjoy it at all. Have you ever heard a donkey scream? Not good. Not good at all.”

“Of course the ride sucks, states park PR rep John Randalls. “It is a tribute to the 1800’s. The 1800’s suck. That is why we got out of there to the 1900’s and so on.

Walsh's hot girlfriend even gave Pokemon cosplay a try

Springfield, MO–A silence swept across Metagames last Saturday as 21-year-old local Pokemon card competitor, Michael Walsh, stunned his fellow “Pokemon Trainers” by revealing that he not only has a girlfriend, but that she is attractive. “We were just in awe,” said friend and fellow Pokemon card competitor, Aaron Boshin, “This has never happened before to a guy like us! Not here in Springfield, not in Pallet Town, not anywhere!”

Nerds everywhere began asking: How did he do it? Our reporters asked him the same question, and after explaining how he arranged his “sweet new Gyarados deck,” he gave us the secret to getting an attractive girl to date you even when she knows you play Pokemon cards.

“They key,” said Walsh, “is to date for like four years before you start playing. My girlfriend already loves me, and it would be too much trouble to break up and sort out whose stuff is whose and meet someone else at this point, so she just puts up with it.”

“It almost killed me at first,” said Kara Miller, Walsh’s girlfriend, “I was just so embarrassed, but I’ve gotten over that now. At least it isn’t fantasy football or something.” “It took her a while to get on board,” said Walsh, “but all good things take time, right? I mean, Charizard didn’t evolve in a day!”

Walsh’s relationship with his attractive girlfriend has become a huge sensation in the Pokemon Card Game community. So huge, in fact, that “Trainers” typically call making love “making Walsh,” or “Walshing.”

Riverside Bridge to be stored in Heer's building

Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out.

“Really, if you think about it, there’s not a better solution out there” according to County Commissioner Steve Billips. “The building is the perfect storage center, with only a couple of transient pigeons and transient transients living there at any one time. Until the fate of the noble bridge is determined by the good people of Christian County, we’ll be renting out a few floors to keep it in.”

Developer Kevin “Mac-a-Doodle” McCowan could not be reached for comment, as it was rumored he was down at HUD headquarters, either applying for yet another loan extension or engaged in a really, really wicked game of Jenga that he’d painted over with Heer’s logos and fake plywood for the windows.

“Really, it’s a win-win for everyone involved, but mostly for the bridge itself. It would be less than honorable to allow it to pass the time exposed to the elements and the indignities of the seasons” said Billips in a prepared statement, accompanied by a photograph of the Commissioner embracing the bridge in a moment of candid adoration.

The Saunders were jailed after playing McDonald's Monopoly game

Springfield, MO – Phillip and Mandy Saunders of Springfield were jailed after getting a “Go Straight to Jail” game piece while playing McDonald’s Monopoly game on Tuesday. The couple was escorted to the Greene County Jail by two pointing, uniformed officers with whistles. The couple has the options of paying 50 dollars or rolling doubles.

“We are definitely going for the doubles,” states Phillip.

The couple is still trying to get the doubles while staying in their cell.  Three armed guards have them under constant surveillance. Their families are having a candle light vigil and midnight chicken nugget runs.

The Saunders’ are not the only ones who had dealt with misfortune due to the Monopoly. Carl Parker of Nixa got a game piece stating “Luxury Tax,” having to pay 75 dollars to the US government.  Betty Smith found an “Assessed for Street Repair” piece and had to pay 40 dollars for a perfectly fine road.  But, the worst was Ben Weaver.

“They made me go to New York.  I got the stupid ‘Advance to Boardwalk’ piece and they held me at gunpoint and made me drive to New York.   They even made me watch Mamma Mia. MAMMA MIA,” stated Ben Weaver.

In a press conference, Mr. McDonald stated, “The general populace knows the risk. Have you ever played Monopoly?  It is hours and hours of hellish torture; no one enjoys it.  Why would they think McDonald’s Monopoly would be any different?”

Tourament of Champions produces more failure than champions

Springfield, MO—Moral victories will be handed out this weekend at The Tournament of Champions as eight elite basketball teams battle it out to produce seven eventual short comers and one true champion.

TOC execs confessed that “Tournament of Champions” tends to have a more positive spin and sells more tickets than the more accurate named “Tournament of Moral Victories”.

“We invite elite teams from around the country to compete against each other to produce an eventual ‘champion’,” said TOC management. They continued by saying, “Winners are celebrated in American society, much as they were in Roman culture. We’re assembling performers to battle against each other in a huge arena seating thousands of spectators much in the same way gladiators were pitted against each other in the Coliseum, dueling until the end to produce an eventual champion.”

“All of these teams are champions in their own right. Whether they lose or win in this tournament, they can still go on to be champions in their own conference even if they are eliminated from the final game,” said one observer.

Tournament of Champion losers will be provided with a Tournament of Participation Award upon elimination.

Deputies responded to a home on Highway 248, to check a report of a home invasion. They arrested a suspect and placed that character in the front seat of a detective’s automobile, however, the suspect managed to get into the driver’s seat and take off at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour.

The suspect said, “I was fairly certain I was living ‘real’ life and then the cops placed me into the car and I was certain this was a ‘virtual’ situation that I could beat.”

The actions of the suspect consisted of a mixture of action, adventure, driving, and occasional role-playing, stealth and racing elements and gained controversy for its adult nature and violent themes.

“He said he enabled a cheat code that affected the weather, his wanted status and his health. We caught him in the end so there’s no cheatin’ the law,” said Stone County Sheriff Richard L. Hill.

The man hit one vehicle, blew out a tire, but continued to drive north on Highway 65 until the Missouri Highway Patrol was able to deflate the vehicle’s tires using stop sticks.

They eventually tasered the man when he tried to run, about a mile south of Ozark depleting his health bar. The 36-year-old suspect is in the Stone County Jail awaiting a digital jail break mission.