Indian Ghost waits in line to enter and terrorize White Water

Branson, MO- Horror and mayhem came to a head yesterday when the ancient 100-year-old prophecies of Branson’s demise came true. Creatures arose from Marvel Cavern, a sea beast attacked the Landing, and ghosts appearing throughout the 76 strip. The prophecy was first foretold by a hillbilly witch doctor named Cthulhu, living in the woods who only survived by consuming June bugs and honey from bees he wore in his beard.

He foretold other events such as the construction of the St. Louis Arc, the numerous Cardinals World Series victories, and the miraculous coming of Brad Pitt (he totally didn’t see the Jennifer break up though). His prophecies were delivered in forms of filthy, filthy limericks, too grotesque to publish.

The terror occurred at the stroke of midnight where demonic creatures arose from Marvel Cave, shrouded by an eerie red-tinted fog. Then Achoochoo (Cthulhu’s hillbilly yokel cousin) rose slowly from the waters near the Branson Landing. Then Indian ghosts, ghosts from the Titanic, and the ghost from that one guy who totally died when he stood up on the roller coaster all appeared on Baldknobber Mountain and walked toward the city in a ghoulish parade. Also Branson Satan showed up, who is a lot like regular Satan, only he uses his pitchfork for actual farm chores, wears a funny hat, and mostly just challenges people to fiddle competitions.

“We had this coming,” said Billy Barnsllow, a resident of Branson for 89 years. “We buried the whole damn town on an Indian burial ground. Well, we killed all the Indians first then buried them there.”
The monstrous beings wreaked havoc on the town so terrible it can only be described as “an orgy of blood and pain”, “God’s vengeance personified”, and “totally like that one scene in Gremlins 2, you know the one.”

A band of rag-tag survivors tried to destroy the creatures, thus ushering a new era of peace. But, with most people “raptured” to a better place (taken by bus to The Cedars Resort) it was in vain. Now that Branson is a smoldering hellscape of brimstone and anguish, many local tourist stops are hoping for more business.

“This is great for us,” states a Hot Springs hotel owner. “Of course when the dragon that is heating our waters awakens in 36 years we are going to be in the same boat.”

Ghost mourns the loss of a house to haunt

Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are also trying for government assistant through the ghost of Lincoln and Grover Cleveland.

“I cannot believe it,” said the ghost of a 1920’s factory worker. “You haunt a place for years, and now I am haunting a Starbucks till they close then I haunt the bus station. And I thought the most depression part of my life would be when I died in that industrial accident. Nope, bus station at 3 in the morning.”

The ghost is not only dark denizen facing hardships. Poltergeists are forced to sit at intersections with signs proclaiming, “Will Haunt For Ectoplasm”. Demonic apparitions are no longer beckoning men to kill their families with axes, but tempting house wives to buy the non-low-fat cookies at the grocery store. And vampires, being evicted from their coffin rich basements, must sleep in coffin shaped card board boxes that were once used to deliver coffins.

“You have to take it on day at a time,” sighed Vlad Parksdale, a 5,000 year old vampire. “I have lived through about 278 recessions so I know I can make it through this one. The crowds at the blood lines are horrible though. I have to wait hours for a pint.”

Many of the monsters are moving back to their native soil. Werewolves returning to their packs in Romania, vampires to Transylvania, witches to Britain, and demons back to the bowels of Hell.

“I mean it isn’t perfect. Come on, it is Hell. But, at least it is a warm place to stay. And I do mean very, very warm. Plus we get three square meals of human flesh a day, so no complaints” moaned a demon whose name is unpronounced with the human tongue.

The creatures of the night are hoping to return to their haunting and possessions when the economy gets an upswing, but they are cautiously optimistic.

“Brains, brains,” groaned Hollister McMillion, a recent zombie. “Brains is what will make America great again We just need another Ford, Jobs, or Zuckerberg to get us out of this funk. I want more brains.”

After completing certification, ghost seek license to haunt

Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Pythian Castle was officially certified as a haunted location; now the castle owner, Linda Finny, says the spooks are taking the next steps to achieve full licensing. “Certification was a long tedious process, but it is essential to earning a full license to haunt,” said Finny.

“Paranormal activities in the castle include voices, cold spots, images and strange sounds,” said Dr. Peter Stantz, “all prerequisites for certification.” The certification process took several years to achieve and confirmation is not easily attained. Stantz continued, “the people of this community should be very proud of the work accomplished by the Pythian Castle spirits.”

According to sources, several entities currently reside within the castle. One well-known ghost is referred to simply as “Jeff”. Finny said “Jeff” approached her several months ago and showed interest in becoming “a fully licensed apparition,” said Finny.

Dr. Stantz speculates that with hard work and persistence, “Jeff” and the entire Pythian Castle poltergeist crew can become licensed to haunt. “Right now the spirits are in a development stage of haunting. They have perfected the art of spinning dishes off of shelves, creating extreme temperature patches, etc, however they will need to display an advanced knowledge of phantasmal perfection in order to become fully licensed,” said Stantz.

The Pythian Castle is scheduled to complete ongoing renovations this summer. At that time Finny says she will  focus all her efforts to the licensing procedure. “It would mean a lot to ‘Jeff’ and the other spirits to take the next leap in paranormal accreditation,” she says.

Albino Farm caretaker prepares for his first Mistic spray tan at Albi-No-More

Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, depending on who is telling you the story.

The present day owner of the property, Jerry Overholser, thought it was time for a change. “I’m plum tired of teenagers sneaking around on the property,” explained Overholser. “I figured if I can’t get the teenagers out of the albino farm, I’ll get the albino’s out of the albino farm.”

Overholser is hoping to begin a different perspective on the property. Albi-No-More is planned to have four standard beds, one Mystic spray-on tanning room, and one super powered machine designed specifically for modern day albinos called Burnt Toast. The interior is decorated with inspirational before and after pictures, with a picture of an albino on the left and a picture of the same albino glowing red on the right. Albinos, by the way will get a special punch card for one free tan after enduring nine. At the grand opening they plan to give away Oreos, with the cream licked out to the first 100 customers.
Standing near the newly asphalted parking lot, teenager Troy Spelster, is not in favor of the new plan. “I’ve had some of my best times on the Albino Farm. Ain’t nothing scary about a copper bronzed ghost chasing you.”
According to Overholser that’s exactly the idea, “A brand new, well lit steel building with office furniture, a wide variety of oils, and watts and watts of UV rays won’t scare off anybody. Well, unless you’re scared of cancer I suppose.”